Week 1 vs The Swingin' Weenies

Conundrums: 13
The Swingin Weenies: 0
Attendance (Game): 1 dog
Attendance (YTD): 1 dog

Opening Day 2018

Lakewood, CO (TP) – The Conundrums, hot off another cold offseason, secured an 2018 Opening Day victory in their return to the diamond on Monday night at Lakewood Park.

The boys were all in good spirts, clearly related to the good (or at least adequate) spirts consumed prior to, or shortly after, arriving at the field. Beers shared, cleats donned, roster signed, and introductory handshakes out of the way, the Conundrums embarked on their third decade as an organization.

The ghosts of the Puzzlers would have been proud, as the McDonald’s Maulers blanked the Swingin’ Weenies 13-0 in a run-shortened contest.

Return of the TWICS: After exactly 2 years and 50 weeks on the shelf, the TWICS are back. The group responsible for the TWICS resurrected the storied publication in part to honor the 20th anniversary of the Conundrums, but mostly due to Emwa being nearly unemployed and thus finally having the time and energy to devote to such a ridiculous and frivolous endeavor….errr “tradition”. While the publisher, editor, and writer have NOT provided a full season guarantee on providing “quality content” to the site, the Conundrums Softball Club wishes to thank those involved in the production of the TWICS. Thank You. You’re Welcome.

Newbies: While Conundrums fans were disappointed to hear about the retirement of the team’s long-time infielders Brandon Casey (3B) and Thomas Hodorff (SS), new Conundrum free agents Jeremy (3B) and Matt (SS) made a good showing in their place. The Conundrums other offseason acquisition, Tim, was reassigned to the Conundrums single-A affiliate in La Junta for one week, and fined a 6-pack of beer, for failure to appear at Opening Day ceremonies.

ZOINKS!!!:  Puzzler Dave Brubaker was offered a role in the upcoming film Scooby Doo 5: The Curse of the Long Ball, after talent scouts from Warner Brothers Motion Pictures noticed the Left Fielder’s incredible ability to take 36 quick steps without moving an inch. Congratulations to Dave. Make us proud.  

Quick Hits:

• Despite the return of the TWICS, the team has not yet seen a return of the TWIX due to trademark infringement claims made by Mars, Inc.  The team hopes to have this legal matter resolved in “weeks not months”.

New for 2018, the Conundrums dis-MVP will be “awarded” a Princess Yum-Yum beer courtesy of Denver Beer Co. 

• Notwithstanding his aggressive attempts to call in sick prior to the game, Conundrums pitcher Sean Butcher set a team record on Monday night, hurling three (3) strike-outs and zero runs against the Swinging Dongers.  Management would like to wish Sean ill health for the remainder of the season. 
  

Next: The Conundrums return to action next Monday, when they host league newcomers Natural in a 9:15 contest at Lakewood Park. Next week will also mark the Conundrums first annual Peruvian Heritage Night. Bring your favorite Pisco Sour to share.

Week 1 @ Crush

Conundrums: 13

Crush: 8
Attendance (Game): 0
Attendance (YTD): 0

 

Conundrums Start Hot, Look Hot

 

Tom Hodorff (4-4, R, RBI) accepts weekly

MVP Award (and handshake) from Coach Emmot 

 

Lakewood, CO (TP) - After two previously failed attempts at taking a turn on the diamond, Mother Nature finally relented in her continuous attempts at soggy sabotage, allowing the Conundrums their first bite at the proverbial softball apple.

 

Looking dapper in fresh duds, the team, not formally sponsored by the Golden Arches but looking every bit the part, took the field against on-again/off-again foe, Crush.  Starting the game a man short, which also resulted in the squad being a glove and bat short, the Conundrums got out of the gate exactly as one would expect.  Even simple men, those strolling through their daily lives without the benefit of crystal balls or texts authored by Nostradamus (or his prediction-producing contemporaries) would have expected the Conundrums to be in mid-offseason form.   And such prognostications proved true.

 

The new look Q-markers quickly found themselves in a hole.  Thankfully, the aforementioned hole was not of such girth and depth which one would find escape to be impossible.  Rather, this particular hole was of the variety which one may unexpectedly step into, twist an ankle, and utter a few choice expletives before cleverly devising a plan to extract oneself from said abyss.

 

The plan upon which the Conundrums staked their reputation was plain and straightforward:  add another player to the defensive line-up.

 

As if angels took personal notice of the team’s plea, aid arrived at 6:45 pm Mountain Daylight Time in the form of one Mr. Ben Metz.  Strolling into the field complex without any perceived sense of urgency, and lazily lacing his softball boots upon his feet, Metz donned his hat, secured a bat and went immediately to work.  While his physical contributions did not overwhelm the opponent, the psychological chasm this additional defender created was one which the Crush simply could not extricate themselves from as effortlessly as the variety which the Conundrums encountered previously in this story.

 

A few additional things occurred, none of which would provide the reader with any additional clarity of the goings-on, before the Conundrums secured a well-earned 13-8 victory for themselves and Conundrum supporters around the globe.  Huzzah!

 

Last to Show, First to Leave: Exhibiting the true Conundrum spirit, Mr. Metz, who if you’ll recall, arrived to the park a full 30 minutes after the first pitch, while employing a well-worn excuse related to his apparent belief that the game started an hour after it actually did, returned to his cozy abode as soon as the last out was harkened by the aged fellows in blue, and the teams had completed their traditional exchanging of post-game pleasantries.

 

When questioned about his unusual haste, considering he was leaving at the exact moment he thought he was expected to arrive, Metz replied, “I just have to go”, leaving teammates to surmise that Metz had contracted a nasty case of diarrhea between 6:45p and 7:15p.  The Conundrums would like to wish Metz a rapid and unsoiled recovery.

 

Johnny Football: Team catcher, Sean Butcher, made his teammate's hearts skip a beat, as he initiated a rousing game of football in the bleachers with a youngster named Johnny, who was unsurprisingly dressed in a koala costume.  When pressed if this young man was a new addition to the Butcher line-up, the ladies-man denied all involvement in, including the witnessing of, the child’s conception.  However, Butcher’s lack of kinship failed to stop his paternal instincts.  Said Butcher, “Blood may be thicker than water, but I’ll be damned if it is thicker than love”.  Johnny’s mother, meanwhile, maintained a keen eye on the proceedings.

 

Pay Up Foos!: Interim Team Coach, Uniform Designer, and Treasurer Jason Emmot will not be in attendance for next week’s match-up against the struggling Maptek T-Bones.  As such, it is expected that all players bring check, or paper currency, to the game on May 18^th.  Failure to adhere to the team’s strict payment policy may result in knees being touched by bats.