Week 3 @ Crush

5/11/09
?-Markers Deliver Crushing Blow, Handyman, Bachelor Lead Charge in 18-3 Laugher

Conundrums 18
(at) Crush 3
Attendance = 2

TWICS Publications - LAKEWOOD, CO

• Should winless Crush change name to “Crushed”?, Conundrums 18-run attack lends credence to notion as game finally ends in 6 inning abbreviated mercy killing.
• Handyman ends early season drought, breaks on through to other side, 3fer4 performance climaxed by 6th inning bases-clearing twiple (used by permission from Elmer Fudd), game halted in 1st to allow Hody curtain call, tip of the cap to standing ovation from Mysterians’ bench, brief scuffle ensues after Tom attempts to keep game ball as keepsake
• Rested St. Aubbie takes home 1st ever Crunchoclaty, smacks record four 2-baggers, Couch Potato shrugs off appeals for post game celebration, vows to fraternize more after end of TV season finales, although new “Million Dollar Password” supposed to be top notch (“Regis is super-cool!”)
• “Whooping Cough” Satriano calls in sick, St. Aubie reportedly outraged, claims Satriano plagiarizing “Call-In Sick Excuse” #22, the old scratchy throat/stuffy nose alibi, Sats offers truce, says he’ll share patented gardening secrets, how to grow basil & radishes side by side in peaceful coexistence
• In yet another shameful tale of Wall Street vs. Main Street, beer snobs, Doherty/Layton flash high class Heinekens at rest of team, forced by hard economic times into drinking PBR’s, Coors Lights; Dan Batt, Working Class Bud Light Poster Child, goes so far to insinuate Timmy/Eddie next Ponzi schemers
• Quote of the Week: “I have a small brain”, Cerebral Layton to Sean Butcher, context of conversation unknown but TWICS Pubs rules out statement in reference to Eddie thinking with Mr. Happy (we’re pretty sure)
• Talks with the Conundrum formerly known as Sully continue, Conundrums’ Special Envoy “Ambassador Butcher” reportedly close to signing deal that brings Sullen One back to team, primary roadblock is club’s refusal to cease shaming Sully in weekly notes, TWICS spokesperson for Dept. of Humiliation, citing 1st Amendment protection says “no deal, we debase whom we want, when we want”, adding “besides he’s our best customer!”
• Feels Like He’s Already Back – Emmot smacks long single off fence, instead of sprinting around bases, takes leisurely saunter to 1B, later reveals that the Spirit of Sully was within him, “I felt like I had no control over my legs, I felt this uncontrollable hatred for the government, but mostly I just wanted to get down to Texas as fast as possible”; Leading Sully Exorcists immediately summoned, pray for Jason
• Smashing 2nd HR in as many weeks, Babe Swanson poised to join ranks of slugging behemoths Emmot/Aubin, team’s traditional round-tripping monopolists, Swanny points to offseason training regimen as secret to success, decides against entering 2009 Iron Man FitExpo after mom reminds him of allergy to tanning/posing oil
  
• Final Swan: Turning cheers to jeers, Swanny displays questionable judgment by devouring post-game juicy brat in front of famished/hostile mates, declines to share, explaining he needs all the schlonger he can mustard, er muster
  
• Fan-O-Meter – Paid Attendance = 2, Season total to date = 5. This time last year, minus 2.

Week 2 vs. F.O.P. Dawgs

Who Let the Dawgs Out? Coppers Cite Conundrums for Hitting W/O License (5/4/09)

F.O.P. Dawgs 9
Conundrums 7
Attendance = 1

TWICS Publications
· Shut out of ’08 Tourney, Dawgs Even Score with ‘drums, late inning rally falls short after dramatic Batty Dann Liner falls safely in Sgt. O’Malley’s grimy mitt
· 3 week soggy field layoff water logs Puzzler sticks, sleepy offense - minus Aubin/Sats firepower - finally roused from slumber in 7th stanza - too little, too late, too bad.
· Eyes Bigger than their Gut – Busy in the Conundrum kitchen, sensing the carnivore in all Dawgs, veteran mound craftsman Butcher forces 5+ HR outs, serves up classic “Meatball Hurl” to salivating hungry Fuzz - Sean “The Chef” looks good in apron
· Did I St-t-t-tutter? – No sooner did coach shriek, “Keep it in the park!” when eager rookie Ries clears center field fence, marking 2nd time in as many games young ‘un defies skip instruction – incident reminiscent of similar scene 2 year prior, same coach admonishes veteran Satriano, “don’t hit into a DP”, outcome predictable, wistful coach left muttering “what we have here is a failure to communicate”
· This Week’s Special Report Filed by TWICS Correspondent, Sean Butcher: Hot off the wire: Bob(Stop), Write about Dan’s exploding calves(Stop) [end of report filed]. Editor’s Note: This might possibly be worst report ever filed in history of TWICS/TWIVS/TWIBS
· Hitless in Lakewood – Hody Doe, off to slow start, thanks in part due to “out of box” batting error, begs for TWICS mercy, asks Pubs stop presses this week only – editor weighs player’s street reputation vs. lost TWIC circulation, guess what decision is
· Holy Hody! – Friends note good thing Tom not shooting same blanks at home as on playing field…yikes!
· Sully Sighting – Still at large, Libertarian Sully facebooks Butcher, interrupting mound hurler’s weekly Saturday night bubble bath, takes opportunity to bash team for playing “sissy” game, real man’s game on tennis court, where one records shutout by yelling “40-Love”
· Ravishing Roger Clemens status, “I play when I want, where I want” Satriano missed on this semi-late ballgame, Mark reportedly curled in front of fire, wrapped in $19.99 Snuggy, donning old sweats (allegedly hasn’t seen washing machine in 60+ days), reading “History of Marxism”(Bolshevik Press, 89th Printing), in general having ducky time in semi-retirement
· Citing frigid Monday night 60deg temps, St. Aubie calls in sick, suspects infection by H1N1, formerly known as dreaded Emwa Virus, doc prescribes rest, relaxation and The Bachelor – Complete DVD Set as best remedy for recovery
· 1st career dinger as a Q-Marker clinches MVP, nevertheless coach frowns upon “Swan Lake Eric”, breaks unwritten code, devouring crunchoclaty in presence of mates, reminds impulsive 3rd year player “you never eat yer twix, when you’re sitting in the bleachers, there’ll be plenty of time for chewing, when the playing’s done"
· “Old Man” Tomey’s ‘09 debut shaky, can’t find 1B on Backstopper Layton toss, “Master of Blame Game” claims base was moved by sly FOP 1Bagger inning before – “it’s the oldest trick in the book”. Of course.
· Fan O-Meter – Tonight’s attendance (includes “Paid” and guests of club) = 1. 2009 Attendance to Date = 3 (thanks to “Turnstile” Emmot for taking time from busy schedule to record data)