Week 1 Vs. F.O.P. Dawgs

THIS WEEK IN CONUNDRUM (TWIC) NOTES - 4/12/10

F.O.P. Dawgs: 19
Conundrums: 14
Attendance: 1

Conundrums Usher in Decade with Age of New Media, C.O.P.’s Spoil Opening Night, Overexpose Posers 14-9

TWIC Publications
LAKEWOOD, CO – On a historic evening, the Conundrums Softball Club entered their 13th season and celebrated the new decade by rolling out the first “talkies” to ever record the team’s antics. The Conundrum Broadcasting Network (CBN), launched during the offseason as part of the team’s effort to keep up in the age of new media, was already embedding the first digital images of Conundrums Jason Emmot and Eric Swanson when the club’s core players began filing into the ballpark. After recording pre-game warm-ups and soliciting choice “sound bytes”, the crew of 1 focused on the task at hand, documenting Game 1 of the 2010 Leisure League campaign against the F.O.P. Dawgs, better known for their “rollover and die” trick after remarkably taking a dive during the final 6 games of the 2009 season. What began as a promising evening for the Puzzlers ended in disappointment when the Dawgs, down 12-8 entering the 4th inning, exploded with 7 runs and went on to hold off the Posers, 19-14. The Conundrums season began with an impressive 1st inning barrage, scoring 7 times thanks in part to a 3 run shot by perennial slugger, Dale St. Aubin. But the Mystery Boys peaked too soon, and the bats thereafter slumbered peacefully, allowing the Dawg Patrol to mount their comeback and take control of the game.

No Crowded House - Surprisingly, the franchise’s Opening Night drew only 1 in attendance, its shortest crowd ever, unless you count that infamous 2001 night when five fugitives, allegedly related to former ACS Viper, Gary Stout were apprehended by police thanks in part to a park informant’s tipoff, thus setting a record for the largest and smallest crowd simultaneously. Monday’s Conundrum crowd of 1 attempted to rally the team on with a solo wave, but after the team failed to respond, fan Debbie soon tired and reportedly suffered a triceps muscle strain, and had to be attended to by a woman who stayed at a Holiday Inn two weeks earlier. Deb's soul mate Dan Batt, a Conundrum of 5 years, was clearly distressed and vowed to start an anti-wave movement aimed at educating sports fans of the dangers of arm flailing. Debbie was reportedly in satisfactory condition at Dan’s upper west side Denver home.

Gemocide Sighting - 2nd year Conundrum, Paul Ries (pronounced "Reese" and no relation to Pee Wee, or Wee Wee for that matter) attempting to make a comeback after suffering a fractured ankle late last season, committed the first Gem-Out since 2007. In his first AB, Ries, called out by veteran Lakewood Park umpire old Blind Eye McGillicuddy for wearing a cowhide necklace, appeared bewildered on his way back to the dugout. Technically there was no jewelry or gem-like substance around the Conundrum sophomore’s neck, but nevertheless it was the first time in nearly 3 years that such a call was made. Ries would later say he wasn’t aware of the rule, which forbids a player from wearing jewelry of any kind, and expressed disappointment that he won’t be able to show off the leather ornament he recently picked up at an Iowa City flea market. Coach Bob Tomey, holds both the season and career record for Gem-Outs when he was called on such an occasion twice during the ’07 campaign. When asked to reminisce on the subject, coach explained that after the first offense he wore a rabbit’s foot around his neck. The result of course, was predictable and embarrassingly devastating: not only did this prompt a second rule violation, but he had to be told that rabbit’s feet are symbolic for luck, not as a reminder. Clearly uncomfortable where the conversation was headed, Tomey shrugged his shoulder and said simply: “well that’s one for the ages”.

Quote of the Night - “It’s disappointing to say the least. It limits the pitches I can throw in my vast arsenal. It’s just no fun anymore. And you know how much fun I have on the mound!” – Sean Butcher, longtime Conundrum/Viper/Bomber commenting on the new rule change limiting the maximum pitching arc from 12’ to 10’.

Should They Stay Or Should They Go - With the retirements of legendary Conundrum Mark Satriano, who is currently producing a Gardening DVD, “My Life As A Vegetable”, and Pat Sullivan, reportedly organizing local Evergreen Teapot activists, the Conundrums landscape continues to evolve. To fill these voids, the Conundrums were busy signing new recruits. Brandon Casey - no relation to the mighty legendary fictional character who struck out over 100 years ago – is the team’s latest upstart rookie and comes with high credentials. According to the scribbled notes from Team Scout and Executive Recruiter, Dale St. Aubin, “this guy has a decent bat, quick reactions, and NEVER EVER misses an episode of “America’s Next Top Model!!!”. Also, the on-again off-again Conundrums’ association with Dave Brubaker is on again. Brubey was recently given his unconditional release by his long-time alter-ego Conundrum Monday Night team, and the Puzzlers picked him up on waivers. Dave was a "no-show", stating only that his commitment to the Denver Nuggets superseded his obligations to his new team. This is not the first time Brubaker has fiddled with controversy. In 2005, the alter-ego Conundrums fined him 328 sunflower seeds for failure to attend a scheduled team sliding clinic. Meanwhile, in Brandon’s debut, the rookie went 1-3, with a BB, run scored and RBI. After his first hit as a Conundrum the ball was thrown out, but later it was re-inserted into the game when umps exhausted all game softballs. Coach Tomey gave the rook a dollar, mussed up his hair and said “nice job son”.

Back To Back Aches – Player/Coach Tomey was a last minute game scratch after injuring his back Sunday morning. This marks the second straight Opening Night skip has missed due to spinal-related injuries. Apparently, Tomes was bending behind the couch for the TV clicker when the latest mishap occurred. Wife, Holly rushing to the scene, asked the long-time Conundrum how bad the pain was, to which Skip responded, “It’s horrible! I can't reach the remote!”

Get That Thing Out of My Face! The historic HD video shot Monday night created quite a buzz among the players. The CBN plans on editing highlights from each game and posting it on a social network site, such as YouTube in the near future. While most of the Conundrums reacted with mostly quizzical bemusement, not everyone is buying into the new technology. SS Tom Hodorff, the first Crunchoclaty recipient in 2010 was clearly taken aback when coach attempted to present the award in front of the cameras (er, camera). During the awkward interview, Hody Do muttered, “What is this? What’s going on here? I didn’t sign up for this.” The interview was shelved and later Hody stated he’ll be giving out no media interviews for the rest of the season in deference to the Denver Broncos offensive line. Should Hodorff qualify for future Cruncholatys, fellow Conundrum, Eric Swanson, has volunteered to accept the TWIX bar as Tom’s representative. Swanson recently admitted to a cookie and caramel crunch addiction and spent the better part of 2008-9 in and out of confexionary rehabilitation centers.

Final Hody - Witnesses reported seeing Hodorff arguing with one of the CBN's Paparazzi in the parking lot. One unconfirmed account allegedly claims that Hody, apparently losing his composure, gave the poor videographer an atomic wedgie and telling the frightened young man what he can do with his flash memory card. Calls to the Hodorff residence were not imediately returned.

Mid-Offseason Update

‘Tis the season. American Idol, the Super Bowl, and Major League Soccer are back. What does this mean? No…not another Emwa wet dream (we’ll explore that later in a mid-season feature piece). It means that Leisure League Softball pitchers and catchers report back in less than 60 days. Given the uncertainty involving availability of other players, this might represent the core of the new decade’s Puzzle Makers.

As we embark on the team’s historic 11th year in existence (according to the official Conundrums Record Book), TWICS Publications is compelled to provide the second bi-annual, mid-offseason Conundrums/TWICS update. For the first time ever, this pre-season TWICS update features an historic scribal partnership between Jason Emmot and Bob Tomey – Not since Lennon-McCartney has the artistic world been vexed with such a collaboration of this magnitude.

Broken Batt
Extensive negotiations between Conundrums Management, the Leisure League Softball Players Union, and Denver Water broke down at the 11th hour, resulting in the transfer of Dan Batt to the Conundrums Steamboat Springs minor league affiliate, the Skinundrums.

Batt, the 2009 Comeback Player of the Year, 2005-2009 Golden Batt award recipient, and official team ham/photo usurper, will spend the next two years measuring water quality on the Yampa, perfecting his fly fishing cast, and making plans to divert the Western Slope’s “god-given” water rights to Denver.

Fret not, Batty Maniacs - you can still cheer Danny Boy in 2010; to spur ticket sales, the team plans on bringing Batt up to the parent club for selected games, holding several unannounced Dan Batt promotional nights. While Battman settles into his new Gothic City surroundings, H2O sidekick, and current Conundrum Eric “Boy Wonder” Swanson, praised him as a softball mentor of “epic proportions”, proclaiming Dan as the most important influence in his beer-league softball life alongside the Baseball Wii.

We would like to thank Dan for his commitment to the team and especially to Kentucky Bluegrass along the entire Front Range. Thanks Dan! We’ll think of you as we hose down our collective driveways.

Eddie = Elway?
Unnamed sources have indicated that Conundrum’s longtime backstop Eddie Layton is considering retirement. Calls to Fast Eddie’s agent were not immediately returned, but allegedly the 10 year veteran’s nagging injuries and lingering disagreement with the pitching staff on strategy are the primary catalysts behind his decision. Eddie’s representatives have apparently indicated that he has a burning desire to “go out on top like Elway” after going 4-4 in his last game, and securing what is thought to have been his first ever Crunchchocolaty Award. The team plans to honor Eddie during Waffle-Face Night at Lakewood Park. Run face-first into a chain-link fence and receive free admission to a game of your choice.

Injury Update(s)
Ries (ankle) listed probable
Tomey (back) listed as geriatric
Emmot (knees) listed as cyborgic
Sullivan (heart), no report
Butcher (gut) listed as bigger and better than ever
Wilcoxen – No injury, we just thought he would like to see his name in print


Site Traffic
TWICS Publications is happy to report that the team is actively tracking traffic to the site via web analytics software, and due to popular demand has added a hit counter. The site has already received its first International visitor (from Conundrum’s sister city Athens Greece). In honor of this gesture of international respect, the team plans to pay tribute to the Athenians by awarding the MVP recipient with a feta cheese gyro in the season opener. With this breakthrough, Pubs expects a spike from Beijing after we release our hard-hitting expose on Chinese abuses of human rights. A snippet from the article is below:

….”According to Chinese activist Bao Tong, governmental officials required clean-up hitter Gao Zhisheng to use the state-sanctioned wooden bat, and forced him to hit in the 8 hole during a game against the Chinese Ministry of State Security (the MSS Dawgs). Officials also restricted the intake of Gatorade to top players, and employed governmental officials as game umpires in violation of the UN ratified Easton-Worth Convention.”

WOW!