7/20/09
Em’s Blast Catches Tigers By Tail, Butch Shuts Down Feeble Kitty Kat Attack
(vs) Tigers 4
Conundrums 10
Attendance = 2
Year to Date = 24
LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – Expecting a beastly Tiger ambush, a roaring hitting attack, Conundrums ready to execute plan to repel a deathly mauling, but instead welcomed by a few harmless meows, some playful scratching, a ball of yarn, and a request from a few kitty junkies for some Columbian Cat Nip –Shut-down pitching by “Doctor Deception”, aka Sean The Butcher, combined with 6 RBI’s by Jason “Blast From The Past” Emmot lifts Conundrums to next week’s Rusty Summit.
It’s Not How You Play The Game Going into Week 13 showdown, 10-2 underdog Puzzlers look to wrangle Lakewood Crown from “Machine Goliaths” (10-1), hoist first league banner since 2004; recognizing daunting task before them, team officials vow to throw every trick in book at RM, including but not limited to: slipping Rustys pre-game mickeys in their Ovaltines, releasing false venue changes that game switched to Field #3, instructing hurler Butcher on the benefits of a yo-yo softball, bribing key Rustys with crunchoclaty TWIX bars in return for unspeakable “favors” – Conundrum players ordered to watch “8 Men Out” flick, study the life and times of Shoeless Joe Jackson, clearly this is serious biz.
Still Crafty After All These Years: He may be past his prime, rainbow arcs may not be as pretty as they used to be, he may even stalk off mound whenever opposition’s #14 hitter takes him deep, but every 4 years or so, Sean “Money” Butcher, holder of every Conundrums pitching record imaginable, turns in a gem, such as on this night when frustrated Tiger hitters kept off balance with southpaw’s classic sky balls, fidgety flatliners, plate knocking nibbles, and most deadly pitch in his arsenal, the old “6-finger Trapezoid Knuckler”, which to this day continues to stifle softball sluggers, not to mention attracting Euclidean Geometry teachers everywhere.
Aw, shucks it weren’t nothing, folks: Handy Hody puts on fielding clinic for the ages with not one but two sweet-as-saltwater rain backhand snags far, far to his right. Later, Hody Do pulls off statistical impossibility with not 1, but 2 unassisted double plays…in the same inning! With sparkling plays like these, coach later affirms that despite Hody’s unsightly BA, team will keep AAA option clause on back burner.
Professor Crunchoclaty At Your Service: Game knotted at 4 apiece and all 2 fans on edge of their seats, ‘drums break it open in 4th with Jason Emmot bases clearing jack, grand slammy 2nd in son of a "Lineman for the County’s career" - shot all but seals deal, after game MVP Emwa reveals secret to success is dining on nutritious TWIX bar every lunch prior to game – smelling a pennant, coach immediately mandates every roster and non-roster player to consume one standard-size bar for lunch every Monday – Emmot agrees to hold seminar on proper TWIX etiquette, including do’s and don’ts for mates to chew on.
Old Satrianos Don’t Die, They Just Get Thrown Out at 1st: After watching Mark “Face of the Franchise” Satriano lumber down 1st base line only to be “punched out” by a hair, reflective coach remarks that a “younger Mark would have easily beat that out”, adding non-poetically, “he reminds me of me, and that cannot be”. Upon return to the dugout, Tomey puts arm around Tony/Mark’s shoulder, saying only “it’s time”, then tearfully accepts Sats’ letter of resignation – afterwards, skip remarks to hot dog vendor Hector, “there goes a legend in his own mind, what a great – Hey! I said no mustard!”
Your mama so ugly: From the dugout, Sean “The Heckler” playfully jeers 1st base ump for call that goes Tiger way. Although Sean said he meant no harm when he said “we know you’re blind, we’ve seen your wife”, ump surprisingly takes offense - tempers flare, and only by the good grace of 1B Tomey’s ambassadorial intervention, did the near rhubarb chill out – said Robert: “I knew my training as an international arbitrator would one day pay off.”
Wilky’s In The Immaterial World: In honor of MIA Wilcoxen, team sets record for most pop ups in 7-inning game. Although not physically present, with each lifeless ball floating harmlessly into a waiting Tiger glove, Lakewood Park was filled with the spirit of the Pop-Up Messiah – players report of strange, uncontrollable urges to upper cut or swing early, thus propelling ball into an all too familiar flight pattern. It was if Ryan was with us all along.
Stay Focused, Eric: What started out as a textbook-perfect rundown execution, ends in a botched disaster of epic proportions – Tomey has Tiger runner hung out to dry between 2nd and 3rd, freezes him, tosses to 3B Doherty who then corners trapped runner back to 2nd, fires ball to 2nd for inevitable tag – but a funny thing happened on the way to the tag out, when ball mysteriously pops out of glove of normally sure-handed Swanson, thus allowing lucky Kitty to escape – said chagrined Eric: “at that moment when the ball impacts the glove, I wondered whether I remembered to pay my water bill, you know, since I work for the water company and all.”
Near This Date in Conundrum History: July 23, 2007 – Lowly Wolverines shock Conundrums with 16-12 upset - anger, grief, only way to describe varying emotions when 'drums leading in 6th, seemingly with game in bag as clock ticks down, make 3rd out with 0.0000000298313991234 seconds on clock allowing new life to hungry Wolves, who show gratitude by finishing off dumbfounded Puzzlers in 7th with 5- run game ending rally – many remember game not for remarkably poor clock management but for coach’s expletive-filled rant that included all of George Carlin’s 7 words that you can never say at a softball game. It was truly a spectacle.
Fan-O-Meter Watch: 2 fans on hand, arrive at ballpark with tickets purchased online, complain bitterly about website problems - team director of ticket sales issues following statement – “This is puzzling - we purchased enough bandwidth to handle 4-6 users at a single time – I can assure all of our fans the ISP rep will get an earful.”
