Week 6: @ Rusty Machine

Conundrums: 15
Rusty Machine: 5

Attendance: 4 (yes, you read the right)
Season Attendance To Date: 5

Rusty, Rusty
Well oiled ‘drums take it to Rusty Rivals

Jason Emmot's 3-3, 2RBI's, 3 doubles, 2 runs scored earned him his first TWIXie
game MVP of the season. Coach Tomey presents the Crunchoclaty crown jewel.

Lakewood, CO (TP) – The Conundrums Softball Club ran their record to 5-1 at Lakewood Park Monday night after a convincing victory over long time rivals Rusty Machine. True to their moniker, Rusty struggled throughout the contest as the Riddler’s bats, gloves, arms, legs, and dumb confidence proved to be too much for the geriatric Machine to handle.

Despite missing co-matrimonial participants, and infield duo/wiseguys, Brandon Casey and Eric Swanson, the puzzlers put on a perplexing performance of patience at the plate, drawing a record 27 bases on balls (give or take) during the 7:15 affair.

Rusty struggled on the mound all evening, using a League record 3 different pitchers throughout the six-inning contest. Long-time umpire Art “Corner” Alvarez, dumbfounded by the apparent inability of the Machine’s pitching corp. said, “I’ve never in my illustrious career seen a more inept battery of arms. I nearly overturned the no alcohol during the game rule, just to keep my sanity in check.”

Return of the Layton: Despite sleeping for less than 6 hours in the previous 12 day period, catcher Eddie Layton returned to the team for the first time in 4 weeks. When asked about mysterious insomnia, Fast Eddie simply stated, “I have two questions. Who are you, and do you have any strong coffee in that water bottle”?

Attendance Up: Team’s marketing efforts pay off again, as a season record 4 Conundrum fans turned out for the team’s 6th annual Alumni night. Said coach Tomey’s wife, and long-time Conundrum supporter, Holly, “I’m always looking for a good deal, and when I saw the free ticket offer on Groupon I figured it was just too good to pass up. Just like the two yards of fill dirt I found for $5 on Craigslist. It’s been sitting in our driveway for 3 weeks but I couldn’t pass it up.”

Socialist Coach: In a strange turn of events, coach Bob finds a pile of money on the first base line to kick off the 5th inning. In true socialist fashion, instead of returning the money to the rightful owner, Bob instead asks for audited tax returns for all of the players. After donning a green brimmed visor for a few minutes, coach unilaterally determines that a young Rusty Machinist outfielder is most “needy” and therefore should be the recipient of the stimulus funding. Calls seeking commentary from the Tea Party went unreturned at press time.

Week 5: at Our Bats, Your Balls

Week 5: at Our Bats, Your Balls

Conundrums 18
OBYB 4 (5 Innings)
Attendance: You Cannot Be Serious!
Season Attendance To Date: Stuck on 1

Poser Bats Pummel Their Balls

Eddie Still Not Snoozin', Swanny Hitches Up

Coach Tomey presents TWIX to Ryan Wilcoxen -(2-4, HR(2), RBI (7) - who became
the first Conundrum to hit two HR's and take a 'K' in the same game. Many say it's
a feat that will never be broken

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – Despite coming off 3 straight idle weeks, the Conundrums were in mid-season form, smacking Our Bats, Your Balls around the park Monday night, with an impressive balanced attack. The 5 inning game-shortened matchup featured a Conundrum lineup from top to bottom that peppered the Bats ‘n Balls gang repeatedly. Although he did his best to throw himself out of contention with a Scarlett K, former “Pop(Up)” star, Ryan Wilcoxen set an all time record with two ding-dongs including an inside the park job and 7 RBI’s that all but sealed his first MVP Crunchoclaty since sweeping the TWIXes on Random Night in 2010. Wilky had plenty of contenders including Dave “Sundance” Brubaker (4fer4), and Dan “Gimme Some Water” Batt (4fer4). Even Tom “Hody-Doe” Hodorff broke out of an early season slump with 3 knocks to raise his average hundreds of points. On the hill, Dale St. Aubin continues to dominate the opposition with that classic ball movement (oh it moves, baby!) and his fondness for smacking meaningless long balls over the fence otherwise known as the dreaded HR-outs.

She’s Likes Her Highballs - The newly instituted 10 foot pitching arc was put on temporary hiatus by home plate ump Marge Largesse, who apparently hasn’t seen a strike she didn’t like. Both pitchers enjoyed unfettered freedom of expression as Marge consistently called pitches that were higher than the” Heroes of Hemp Association”. Marge repeatedly put hitters from both teams on notice that it was open season on the 10 foot pitching arc. Several players from the OBYB’s nearly got run when they questioned how a pitch soaring higher than the backstop fence could be strike-worthy. Although admitting to an occasional ocular disorder seizure, Marge insists there’s nothing irregular about her depth perception. She later blamed 8 failed attempts to grab the car door handle on dirt-smeared corrective lenses.

“Run Jimmy Run!” - The post-game TWIX presentation ceremony was marred with scandal when Wilky took temporary leave of his senses as he attempted to offer his prized TWIXie to a frightened toddler passing by. The boy’s “don’t take candy from strangers” instinct kicked in as he ran from the bewildered Wilky. His good intentions notwithstanding, Mr. Wilcoxen has been suspended from the South Denver PTA and stripped of his duties as Boy Scout Leader of Troup #642 indefinitely. On the bright side, the Denver Diocese Archbisop Chaput issued a statement that should the Wilkster ever receive the “calling”, the Catholic Church would be very interested in discussing a career change.

Week 5 MIA Report: Sadly, Eddie Layton’s sleepless Sundays continue. Apparently the advice from teammates in the infomercially “I’m So Tired” TWICS Short Film had no positive impact on Sleepy Hollow Eddie. We’ll follow this story through a successful conclusion or when it puts our TWICS Subscribers to sleep, whichever happens first….Eric “Ball ‘n Chain” Swanson finally made good on his threat to get hitched and is presumably on his way to the Hawaiian Islands, hoping to consummate his matrimonial vows with something other than an offering of Canadian cheddar cheese and a game of cornhole. We’re not really sure what all this means, but it makes for interesting press.

Like Eric, like Brandon: Unbeknownst to many but only the most exclusive TWICS insiders, when Swanny announced last year his bridal engagement, Brandon Casey thought that a bloody good idea, dumped his mannequin, hokey pokeyed his way down to Safeway and hung out in the Produce section until Mrs. Casey walked his way. 5 weeks and 3 restraining orders later, he finally met his soulmate which will culminate in yet another Conundrum walking down the aisle and biting dust this Saturday. Congratulations to the Caseys!

Rule Book, Please! - This week's Einstein Award goes to none other than part-time Puzzler, Dan "H2O" Batt. “E=MC²” Dan suffered two brain farts, the first happening sometime between the first and last inning, failing to run from 2B after the ball was hit into play with two outs; blunder #2 occurred later in the game sometime after the first incident but before the game ended. This time, Danny Boy froze at the plate after putting a pitch in play that was initially called “illegal” by Marge. Responding to criticism after the game, the confounded acting Denver Water Manager of Path of Least Resistance stated he’s been gone from the game so long “they must have changed the rules."

Sean's "Unlimited" Power - After somehow miraculously hitting safely in his first two plate appearances, Sean Butcher advised Dan Batt to stick around the vicinity of first base, implying that his services as a substitute runner for the "weak in the knees" Butch would surely be needed. True to his word, Butchy knocked his third hit of the game, his first multi-hit game performance in nearly 7 years. Keen to the moment, Assistant Coach Jason Emmot noted that Butchy's unparalleled swagger was inspired from attending a Tony Robbins seminar. "He clearly read Tony's Awaken The Giant From Within" said a tongue-in-cheek Emwa. "If Sean awakens any more of the giant within himself, we'll have to sew two Conundrum shirts together to comply with Lakewood Softball requirements." Give yourself a hand Sean! You have UNLIMITED POWER!

(Or at least enough to get to first base!)

The Loneliest Number – Through 5 games, the Conundrums aggregate attendance is 1, averaging an astounding 0.2 fans per game. With less than one person rooting on the ‘drums, the situation has become so dire the only creatures lining up for a pre-game Tim Doherty autograph are the park squirrels. Team officials, hoping to circumvent further embarrassment have ordered manniquins as an illusionary tactic. One unnamed source stated cheerfully, “if we pull this off, we’ll eat like kings.”