Week 1 vs Fismits

THIS WEEK IN CONUNDRUM (TWIC) NOTES - 4/13/09

Fismits: 11
Conundrums: 16
Attendance: 2

They'rrrre Baaack! ?-Markers Celebrate New Threads, New Blood, with Opening Day Drumming of Pesky Siftims
TWIC Publications
LAKEWOOD, CO - In front of wandering throng of 2 in attendance, Conundrums splash into '09 campaign with solid performance, stifling Misfits, er Tismifs, er Fismits with timely hitting, web-like gems, other stuff…

1st Fun Fact of '09: Mystery Boys stay perfect on season openers running amazing record to 6-0 since 2003, advent of modern Conundrum era…

Out with old, in with new: Mysterians trade black/grey pinstripe unis for green/whites, fashion statement hailed worldwide from Paris to Milan… Known for sensible temperament, mound ace Butcher pushes for early "Team Photo Night" reminding all that diamond dirt, underarm sweat, & Papa Johns marinara sauce "tidy whitey's worst enemies"...Reaction to new unis swift: AAA Printing, under guise of proprietor Stan Lemonovich (yes, you heard right), named official Conundrum Team printer, don't ask Stan for digital photos, he's not sure where to load the film (joke used by permission, courtesy J. Emwa Yucks Are Me, LLC)…

Offseason Mayhem #1: Longtime softball star, "Peacenik" Satriano, weary of long road trips, announces retirement, attempts by Tomey/Butchy to alter strange mind unsuccessful, then in wisp of luck, agrees to part-time position in exchange for non-related, non-sexual services to be performed by Tomes/Seanster - Sats is club's all-time leader in at-bats, runs scored, as well as gripes against neo-cons...

Mayhem #2: Longtime beer-moocher, Pat Sully, beset by tax hecklement/nagging injuries quits team, has change of heart, applies for reinstatement, too late, finally agrees to "on-call, as-needed" contract, just wants to be part of Team Photo Night (who doesn't?) - Sully is team's all-time leader in unexcused absences, tardy appearances, late payments.

New Guy Ries: Furthering team's commitment to youth movement, Conundrums recall H2O enterprising whiz Paul Ries from "Dan Batt Public Water #1", Puzzler's AAAAAA affiliate - rookie Ries impressive in "big league" opening act despite on-field run in with coach - says Tomey, "the kid has potential, sure I'll end up suspending him about a dozen times, but you gotta love his spunk"...Ries, latest recruiting score by Dan "Scout's Honor" Batt (official recruitment officer of the Conundrums)...

Final Ries: Aside from on-field play, onlookers note new guy Paul dead ringer for Eric "I'll never play 3B again" Swanson, rumors abound they're test tube twins, confused Tomey considering branding iron going forward...

Crunchchoclaty: Quickly being dubbed, "Cookie Crunch Scandal", Em gets MVP cold shoulder, coach fails to present coveted Crunchoclaty award - embarrassed skip cites interrupted supply caused by TWIX factory fire in Norfolk, VA plant, vows to contact friends in TWIX black market to right wrongs...

DNP Report: Tomey (back) self scratch from lineup, no blood drawn...

New Injury Report: "Backstopper" Layton, still trying to make team after 11 years, feverishly chases foul pop, sadly tweaks lumbar scabiscus in process, listed as every other day to every other day...

Chilled to the bone: "Shivering" Wilky shamefully covers up jersey with warm sweatshirt in 1st inning desecration, sensitive coach promises horrified anti-publicity seeker will not report incident in TWICS, later scumball scribe recalls Hippocratic oath, prints them anyway…

Reality Sucks: Aubin foregoes normal chitchat, makes hasty post-game exit, wants to get good seat at Sloppy Sally's Bar 'n Grill for showing of Real Housewives of Orange County...

Fin: In recognition of last player to submit league dues, big congrats out to Swanny, this year's recipient of "Pat Sullivan Award", throw out yer chest young man, you've earned it!...