8/3/09
2nd Place in Bag, Conundrums’ End Season with Random Win
(vs) Ten Rightfielders 9
Conundrums 17
Attendance = 2
Year to Date = 36
LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – With nothing left to play for but foolish random pride, with not an ounce of arbitrary meaning on a meaningless night, Conundrums indiscriminately throttle band of 10 Rightfielders after the deliberate Rusty Crash, thus, by chance ending the 2009 season quietly victorious, under accidental conditions.
Up was Down, Black Went White: With 2nd place secure, and their 7th consecutive berth in the prestigious Lakewood Softball Tourney sewn up, Conundrums’ “brain trust” - itself an oxymoron by definition - capriciously shuffle lineup in what is now infamously known as “Random Puzzler Night” using accidental technology powered by team unofficial partner, “random.org” – fans, unaware of the spoof, arrive to park unpredictably, astonished to see Sean Butcher/Eddie Layton 1-2 in the order, while former ‘roids juicer, Dale St. Aubin and Eric “Cheese Wiz” Swansong, normally on top half of batting bill, anchored towards the bottom of the card. Adding to the chaotic madness, players located randomly at arbitrary fielding positions, inning by inning. Imagine the varied shockwaves caused to one’s ticker to see perennial 5th string RFer, Pat Sully trying to dodge sharply hit grounders at SS, Sean “Slower Than Molasses” Butcher patrolling the LC speed gaps, or the paradox of left handed Batt playing a right-handed 2B position; asked whether the team will repeat this random act of playing next year, erratic skipper whimsically replied “we can’t predict an event we have no control over”.
When Do I Get My Ice-Cream? Just 5 days after successful appendix removal surgery, Ryan “Cuts Life a Knife” Wilcoxen returns to a welcoming team as rooter/scorebook keeper. Wilky described the unbearable pain as wife rushed him to nearby Swedish Hospital not knowing if ailment was allergic reaction to foul pepperonis or nausea after reviewing latest personal stats; when told by Doctor Switchblade that ruptured appendage needed removal, LCer Wilky instinctively asked if he’ll ever play softball again; Wilkster relaxes when doc assures him he’ll be on field driving that BA further south again in no time.
It’s Good To Have You Back: In effort to revive a batting average on verge of extinction, Eddie Layton, just back from assignment to Batting Cage Instructional League, rebounds with 4fer4 plate performance, including a 2-sacker and 3 runs scored. With aid of personal hitting trainer, Tim “Splendid Splinter” Doherty, Layton’s recently anemic swing looked lively, smooth, fluent and full of smacking zest again; while it’s not likely that coffee shop talk will mention Tony Gwynn and Eddie Layton in same sentence anytime this decade, team coaching staff relieved that rehabilitated Fast Eddie has assimilated into Conundrum Hitting Society once again;
Crunchoclaty Cell Reproduction 101: In an odd precedent on a peculiar night, weekly Crunchoclaty prize split between Sean Butcher and Eddie Layton. Eddie awarded the left half selected by coach, while Sean in keeping with theme of the night, receives the right half, chosen completely at random. Please congratulate Dr. Butchy as the first recipient of the “At Random Crunchoclaty MVP Award”. Nice work, you’ve earned it boys. That is, Eddie has.
On This Day In Conundrum History: July 26, 2004 – Despite a season ending defeat 11-7 at hands of who else, Rusty Machine, thus spoiling a season of perfection, Conundrums win league title with a 13-1 season record. Dom “Where Have You Gone” Morelli named coach’s game MVP, hitting team’s last inside park dinger; the swift-footed Morelli, after crossing the plate, headed straight for restroom, thus answering any questions as to what motivated his speedy resolve around bases;
A Farewell to Markie, We Hardly Knew Ye: In final act of a controversial brilliant career, Mark Satriano delivers his farewell address to the team, retiring as a member of the franchise he helped nearly destroy in 1998. The speech, chock full of humorous anecdotes, while mostly incoherent, was truly inspirational, if not for its bluster than its heartfelt insincerity. The beloved SS, who owns a plethora of team records is still the only player in history of recorded beer league softball to show up drunk as a happy skunk and be ousted during a 1998 game as team chieftain in what was infamously dubbed the “Monday Night Massacre”; Sats recalled fondly how he played the game “the right way”, always taking a dive when he felt the other team was too far behind, or mentoring young players, explaining there’s no shame in making multiple errors in a game/inning that might lose your team a game; Tony/Mark talked about his ill-fated efforts to organize a player’s union, remembering with some bitterness that if it weren’t for the “double-crossing, two-timing scabs” in their ranks, “we woulda busted the “scumbag Robber Barons” of softball capital; Looking squarely at coach Tomey, Sats reminded all to be wary of “softball elitists” threatening to take down the game he grew up with on the playgrounds of Arvada; he was retiring he said because the game had passed him by, he no longer could put himself through the team’s excruciating spring training rituals consisting of one 30 minute practice, and that he wanted to devote more time focusing on gardening activism, to speak out on behalf of the endangered beefsteak tomato in hopes of preserving their juicy survival. In his parting words, he warned against the looming softball industrial complex and said unless all anarchy-loving softball minds banded together, an iron fist of authority will “descend upon every which one of you”. The “Wizard of Conundria” concluded with these words: “old softball players never die, they just become 6-4-3’s.” As he walked off, the remaining 2 players still listening gave the “old pro” a rousing ovation. There goes the master. There goes Mark/Tony/Phlish/27 Echos/Squib/Sea Urchin Satriano.
Fan-O-Meter Watch – After setting yet another single game record during long-anticipated Rusty match up with 10 fans, game finale a real fan deflator, with just 2 faithful on hand to see “Random Classic”. Team ticket gurus hail season as most successful since ticket counting first recorded; On behalf of the players and coaches, Conundrums Softball Club thanks fans for unflinching support.
At The Tourney We Shall Meet Again: While the season has come to its natural conclusion, stay with us, cheer your favorite Conundrums on as the team takes to the field in the Lakewood Post-Summer Season Tourney, scheduled Sunday August 23, time and place TBA.
2nd Place in Bag, Conundrums’ End Season with Random Win
(vs) Ten Rightfielders 9
Conundrums 17
Attendance = 2
Year to Date = 36
LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – With nothing left to play for but foolish random pride, with not an ounce of arbitrary meaning on a meaningless night, Conundrums indiscriminately throttle band of 10 Rightfielders after the deliberate Rusty Crash, thus, by chance ending the 2009 season quietly victorious, under accidental conditions.
Up was Down, Black Went White: With 2nd place secure, and their 7th consecutive berth in the prestigious Lakewood Softball Tourney sewn up, Conundrums’ “brain trust” - itself an oxymoron by definition - capriciously shuffle lineup in what is now infamously known as “Random Puzzler Night” using accidental technology powered by team unofficial partner, “random.org” – fans, unaware of the spoof, arrive to park unpredictably, astonished to see Sean Butcher/Eddie Layton 1-2 in the order, while former ‘roids juicer, Dale St. Aubin and Eric “Cheese Wiz” Swansong, normally on top half of batting bill, anchored towards the bottom of the card. Adding to the chaotic madness, players located randomly at arbitrary fielding positions, inning by inning. Imagine the varied shockwaves caused to one’s ticker to see perennial 5th string RFer, Pat Sully trying to dodge sharply hit grounders at SS, Sean “Slower Than Molasses” Butcher patrolling the LC speed gaps, or the paradox of left handed Batt playing a right-handed 2B position; asked whether the team will repeat this random act of playing next year, erratic skipper whimsically replied “we can’t predict an event we have no control over”.
When Do I Get My Ice-Cream? Just 5 days after successful appendix removal surgery, Ryan “Cuts Life a Knife” Wilcoxen returns to a welcoming team as rooter/scorebook keeper. Wilky described the unbearable pain as wife rushed him to nearby Swedish Hospital not knowing if ailment was allergic reaction to foul pepperonis or nausea after reviewing latest personal stats; when told by Doctor Switchblade that ruptured appendage needed removal, LCer Wilky instinctively asked if he’ll ever play softball again; Wilkster relaxes when doc assures him he’ll be on field driving that BA further south again in no time.
It’s Good To Have You Back: In effort to revive a batting average on verge of extinction, Eddie Layton, just back from assignment to Batting Cage Instructional League, rebounds with 4fer4 plate performance, including a 2-sacker and 3 runs scored. With aid of personal hitting trainer, Tim “Splendid Splinter” Doherty, Layton’s recently anemic swing looked lively, smooth, fluent and full of smacking zest again; while it’s not likely that coffee shop talk will mention Tony Gwynn and Eddie Layton in same sentence anytime this decade, team coaching staff relieved that rehabilitated Fast Eddie has assimilated into Conundrum Hitting Society once again;
Crunchoclaty Cell Reproduction 101: In an odd precedent on a peculiar night, weekly Crunchoclaty prize split between Sean Butcher and Eddie Layton. Eddie awarded the left half selected by coach, while Sean in keeping with theme of the night, receives the right half, chosen completely at random. Please congratulate Dr. Butchy as the first recipient of the “At Random Crunchoclaty MVP Award”. Nice work, you’ve earned it boys. That is, Eddie has.
On This Day In Conundrum History: July 26, 2004 – Despite a season ending defeat 11-7 at hands of who else, Rusty Machine, thus spoiling a season of perfection, Conundrums win league title with a 13-1 season record. Dom “Where Have You Gone” Morelli named coach’s game MVP, hitting team’s last inside park dinger; the swift-footed Morelli, after crossing the plate, headed straight for restroom, thus answering any questions as to what motivated his speedy resolve around bases;
A Farewell to Markie, We Hardly Knew Ye: In final act of a controversial brilliant career, Mark Satriano delivers his farewell address to the team, retiring as a member of the franchise he helped nearly destroy in 1998. The speech, chock full of humorous anecdotes, while mostly incoherent, was truly inspirational, if not for its bluster than its heartfelt insincerity. The beloved SS, who owns a plethora of team records is still the only player in history of recorded beer league softball to show up drunk as a happy skunk and be ousted during a 1998 game as team chieftain in what was infamously dubbed the “Monday Night Massacre”; Sats recalled fondly how he played the game “the right way”, always taking a dive when he felt the other team was too far behind, or mentoring young players, explaining there’s no shame in making multiple errors in a game/inning that might lose your team a game; Tony/Mark talked about his ill-fated efforts to organize a player’s union, remembering with some bitterness that if it weren’t for the “double-crossing, two-timing scabs” in their ranks, “we woulda busted the “scumbag Robber Barons” of softball capital; Looking squarely at coach Tomey, Sats reminded all to be wary of “softball elitists” threatening to take down the game he grew up with on the playgrounds of Arvada; he was retiring he said because the game had passed him by, he no longer could put himself through the team’s excruciating spring training rituals consisting of one 30 minute practice, and that he wanted to devote more time focusing on gardening activism, to speak out on behalf of the endangered beefsteak tomato in hopes of preserving their juicy survival. In his parting words, he warned against the looming softball industrial complex and said unless all anarchy-loving softball minds banded together, an iron fist of authority will “descend upon every which one of you”. The “Wizard of Conundria” concluded with these words: “old softball players never die, they just become 6-4-3’s.” As he walked off, the remaining 2 players still listening gave the “old pro” a rousing ovation. There goes the master. There goes Mark/Tony/Phlish/27 Echos/Squib/Sea Urchin Satriano.
Fan-O-Meter Watch – After setting yet another single game record during long-anticipated Rusty match up with 10 fans, game finale a real fan deflator, with just 2 faithful on hand to see “Random Classic”. Team ticket gurus hail season as most successful since ticket counting first recorded; On behalf of the players and coaches, Conundrums Softball Club thanks fans for unflinching support.
At The Tourney We Shall Meet Again: While the season has come to its natural conclusion, stay with us, cheer your favorite Conundrums on as the team takes to the field in the Lakewood Post-Summer Season Tourney, scheduled Sunday August 23, time and place TBA.
