Week 14 - at Crush

8/2/10

Conundrums 14
Wingmen 4

Attendance: 4
Year to date: 25

The End Of The Year As We Know It, Posers Feel Fine

Random Night Wraps Up Championship Season In 'Puzzling' Fashion


2 For The Price of One Ryan Wilcoxen shows off matching
TWIXeys, becoming the 1st Puzzler to haul away two of the
precious confectionaries in one night.

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) Even for a game dubbed "Random Night", Monday evening at Lakewood Park turned out to be surprisingly bizarro. The Conundrums dominated the hapless Lakewood Leisure League basement dwellers, The Crush 14-4, thus ending the season with an 11-3 record. But that became a secondary byline in a game that was rendered meaningless after the 'drums clinched the league title one week earlier. The season-ending finale, which featured the "2nd Annual Random Night", a disorderly evening whereby the Conundrum batting order and the player inning-by-inning fielding positions were selected totally at random, had more twists 'n turns than an episode of "The Edge of Wetness" soap opera. For starters, the game was pushed back to 6:30 when both players and umpires were stuck in traffic as a result of a Morrison brush fire that caused officials to close a stretch of Hwy C-470 during the evening commute. That proved a prelude to other ominously arbitrary events. Let's begin our random tales with "Wildfire Sean".

Sean to Wildfire: "BLEEP U!" - Nobody was more impacted by the wild fire than our very own Sean Butcher. The Wheat Ridge resident, who ironically lives closest to the park, was the last to arrive. "I live 5 miles from the (bleeping) park", said a clearly perturbed Butchy moments after finally arriving to the game. "Every (bleeping) street I took turned out to be mother (bleeping) worse than the previous route. I hate these (bleeping) Colorado wildfires! They ruined my whole (bleeping) evening!!" Later in the evening, Sean's mood took a turn for the worse. But that's another story for another time.

Down Goes Emwa! Down Goes Aubbie (Again): This TWICS segment is dedicated to "seconds" - For the second time this season, Jason "Beckham" Emmot is sidelined with an achy/breaky back injury. He also complained of a broken toe, his first of the season. Allegedly the injuries were suffered when the former USC (that is, University of Southern "Colorado") grad was kicking it around last Saturday in a Littleton, CO soccer charity tournament benefiting the "Cure For Turf Toe Foundation". Not to be outdone, for the second week in a row, Dale "Mr. Softball" St. Aubin called coach to excuse himself from the game Monday night. coincidentally, Mr. Softball was also afflicted by the old spinal contusion bug. According to transcripts obtained from Coach Tomey's voice messaging system, Mr. Softball injured his back while dreaming he was the mythical Atlas. Apparently while holding up the world, Mr. Softball felt a twinge in his lower back, woke up and voila! - the dream became a reality. Clearly shaken, Mr. Softball reportedly donated his highly cherished Rand McNally globe to Goodwill.

Random Notes - It's odd enough to see Paul Ries playing 3B, Ryan Wilcoxen chasing down errant Sean Butcher pitches to the backstop or Tom "Hody Highty Highty Ho" Hodorff kicking balls from the other side of 2B. But the only thing weirder than watching an inning featuring Eddie "Catching is My Life" Layton at SS is...well two innings of Eddie at the QB of all QB infield positions. But those are the cards Random.org dealt us on this chancy night. Sadly, Fast Eddie didn't get an opportunity to showcase his buried talents as the Crush failed to cooperate and nothing was hit his way. Nevertheless, Eddie demonstrated he was the commander in chief of the infield when he barked out, "ok now, let's turn two!" This impressed the coaching staff even though there was nobody on base and there were already two outs...later, in the bottom of the 6th inning, leading by 10 runs, with the Conundrums needing to shut the Crush down in order to end the game early, hurler Butcher shocks the Poser world when he inexplicably hands the ball to a bewildered Bob Tomey. With the pressure on, a 10-run save situation looming, the Mystery Boys' field manager bent, but didn't break. After giving up a rocket launched from the leadoff Crush hitter that landed no less than 40 feet beyond the center field fence (alas, it was recorded as a HR-out), Tomey settled in and frustrated the Crush hitters with his own version of the "Lebanese Slurve" (because he's Lebanese, y'know). Despite serving up a cheap single and a harmless walk, Tomey held the Crush scoreless and when Hody literally kicked a grounder over to 1st sacker Wilky, Tomey recorded his first ever save in his first ever pitching appearance as a Conundrum. The save preserved Butcher's 4th win of the year. Butcher called Tomey "still very dangerous" but added "Bob, you can be my wingman anytime", to which Tomey retorted, "Bull****! You can be MY wingman! (PBR's for everyone!)


Getting His Kicks Tom "Hody Do" Hodorff prefers feet over
glove after ending game kicking ball from 2B to 1st.

Say It Ain't So, Eric! - Coming into the game, Paul "Wiz Kid" Ries led in all three Triple Crown categories (HR's/RBI's/BA). Ries appeared to be on his way to become the first Puzzler to win the trifecta of softball since 2004 when St. Aubin was the last to pull it off. But a funny thing happened on the way to the Crown - somebody forgot to tell Eric "The Spoiler" Swanson that history was beckoning. Ries' 3-4 performance improved his BA to .660. But Swanny's 4-5 raised his average to a heartbreaking .661, edging Ries by a nano point, thus denying the sophomore Conundrum the coveted Triple Crown. Neither player was available for comment, but it's safe to say Swanson won't be getting a fruit cake from the kid this Christmas.

How Can I Get Swanny Kicked Off The Team? Ries, moments
after hearing disappointing Triple Crownless news

When 2=3 In the 4th inning Tim "Line Painter" Doherty hit into an unconventional double play that ended with "Crazy Legs" Ries getting called out at the dish. As a result, the Crush believed the inning over and came to the dugout. The Conundrums believed the inning over and began to take the field. Only problem was the inning wasn't over. In a case of misguided arithmetic, only two Conundrums came to bat, so by the laws of modern mathematics it was virtually impossible for 3 outs to be issued. After much confusion, somebody produced an abacus and it was finally agreed upon that indeed only two outs were recorded and order restored. Later, it was learned that a group of former members of the Flat Earth Society (FES) attempted sabotage. They were promptly ejected from Lakewood Park, which according to FES folklore, is the edge of the earth, so we can only speculate as to their current whereabouts.


This Is An Outrage! Brandon Casey learns he did not win
the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes

What Chewy Choclaty Caramel Does To A Man: In a year where records went down faster than a 2-bit hooker, Ryan Wilcoxen becomes the first Conundrum to bag two Crunchoclatys in a single game. Wilky took down the coach's traditional game MVP, then by the good grace of Random.org, the man who calls himself Ryan completed an improbable TWIX coup d' etat and was awarded the Random Crunchoclaty award. In an uncharacteristic moment of glee, the normally composed Wilcoxen exclaimed, "what a beautiful night for a crunchoclaty, let's eat two". The ceremony was not without controversy. Both Swanson and Ries - with arguably better game numbers - filed formal grievances with the "American Association of Softball Festivus". We'll stay on top of this, and update this story should any new reports emerge from this "festivus for the rest of us" development.

What Was He Thinking? "Ahhh, what if I had THREE
Crunchoclatys? Oh baby"

Final Attendance Tally - While averaging a respectable 1.8 fans per game, 2010's total attendance of 25 fell well short of 2009's record 36 patrons. TP analysts ruled out many factors for the decline in attendance including the stagnant economy, the lack of modern facilities at the ballpark, etc. The 119 page document, released yesterday concluded "the decline can be directly attributed to dumb luck. The science is irrefutable."

Farewell to 2010 Puzzles: It's been a memorable season, climaxing with the Conundrums claiming their 2nd league title and solidifying yet another berth to the post-season tourney on August 22. Don't miss the victory parade Saturday August 7. Players will begin their march in a gully under the 6th Avenue aqua duct adjacent to an alley by an unnamed road next to the Lakewood landfill. Facial masks will be supplied.

Congratulations to the Conundrum players, the fans and to the entire organization. Kudos on a job....done. See you next year for another rendition of This Week In Conundrumball (TWIC) Notes.

Epilogue: The writers of TWICS Publications would like to issue a public apology to our subscribers for the often lengthy writing on these blog pages. Some people like to hear themselves talk, we enjoy watching ourselves write. We regret any inconvenience and/or constipation, er consternation to our readers.