Saturday, May 14, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Week 4: F.O.P. Dawgs at Conundrums
Conundrums 20
Attendance: 4th Verse, Same as the 3rd
Season Attendance To Date: Still 1
Coach Bob Tomey presents Paul Ries with the Week 4 "Bridesmaid" TWIX Crunchoclaty award, who was the 3rd choice. Ries' bruised ego
was neutralized by his love for cookie crunchoclaty goodness
(Dave Brubaker looks on,attempting to sabotage the photo op.)
LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – Coming into the contest with the Conundrums Monday night, the FOP Dawgs fancied a winless record of 0-3. But the K-9s gave the Mysterians a scare, all they could handle, keeping a close distance for most of the contest. The Conundrums - led by a record 7 RBI’s by mound-tosser Dale St. Aubin - kept the Dawgs at paw’s length throughout the game, but the outcome was in doubt until time expired during the bottom of the 6th inning, giving the ‘drums their third straight win to stay within a game of the front-running Maptek T-Bones in the competitive Lakewood Leisure League standings. Aubin declined to accept a 2nd straight Crunchoclaty MVP award, complaining that he still had not removed all the caramel residue from his teeth since devouring last week’s prize. Coach Bob Tomey’s 3rd choice (2nd choice Brandon Casey also declined the once-coveted cruchoclaty delight) was Paul “Wünder-Kind” Ries, who went 3-4, and scored 3 times. Not the most remarkable MVP performance but he was the closest player within Crunchoclaty distance, so what the hey. In recognition of Paul playing 3rd fiddle, the award is hereby renamed this week only to “Coach’s Bridesmaid Award”.
“You Wouldn’t Know a Strike If it Struck You!” – Debating the legality of pitch height in the first frame, St Aubin nearly gets the heave-ho when arguing balls/strikes with umpiring chief Michael Hfuhruhurr. The confrontation reached epic levels when the feisty Conundrum claimed he understood pitch height more clearly than umpie. After a few “Oh Yeah…Yeah!” exchanges, Aubie was told one more word and he’d be watching the rest of the game in the clubhouse. Recognizing that no such facility existed, Dale kept quiet the rest of the game.
Scoreboard Watching – For the first time this season, the left field scoreboard was back in operation. For weeks, players were forced to squint up at a 4”x 2” makeshift scoreboard behind the screen while the league ordered refurbished light bulbs for the decrepit left field fixture. Although the scoreboard still had some quality control issues (4’s looked like 3’s, 3’s looked like Q’s), senior players Tomey/Doherty were finally able to read the score without use of their bifocals.
Week 4 Absentee Report -
Eddie Layton - Still looking for zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’s. Official press release lists the once rested Conundrum backstopper as “tired of being tired”. During an exclusive TP interview, Sleepy Eddie said he tossed ‘n turned so many times Sunday night he felt like a Greek salad. He even tried reading an old This Week in Conundrumball article, but that failed to induce any notion of a slumber. Taking it up a notch, concerned teammates sound off and offer Eddie tips for nodding off in the short film, “I'm Sooo Tired”, available above just a mouse-click away.
Sean Butcher – Environmental Activist, Sean “Inconvenient Truth” Butcher was officially out for Week 4 due to “global warming”. The 40ish year old veteran Puzzler said he began noticing a gaping hole in the ozone layer directly over Lakewood Park weeks ago. The Al Gore groupie complained to park officials about dangerous levels of radiation hovering over Field #2, but was unceremoniously dismissed, and told simply to apply “a really good glob of sunscreen” before entering the grounds. Butcher vows to stay away from the park until they enclose the area in a dome or he can afford a NASA-certified jumpsuit (whichever comes first).
Dan Batt – Still trying to tunnel way out of a Red Chinese prison
TWIX Thievery? –As Coach Tomey was about to present the Crunchoclaty to an eager Ries, skip discovered the prized TWIX was missing. A Heist! Coach Tomey - gripped with panic, fear, hunger - was convinced it was an inside job and immediately ordered park lockdown. Happily, moments later the TWIX was discovered safe and sound. The felon, obviously fearing reprisal, lost his/her nerve, dropped the bar and fled. The scoundrel remains at large, is considered extremely dangerous and is described only as having good taste. Oh, and it’s likely that he/she has sticky fingers (with apologies to Mick/Keith).
Monday, May 2, 2011
Week 3: The Rebels at Conundrums
Conundrums 23 (4 Innings)
Attendance: What Do You Think?
Season Attendance To Date: 1 (Thank You, Debbie!)
Week 3's Crunchoclaty Recipient goes to perrenial slugger,Dale St. Aubin: 4-4, 3-Run HR, 4 RBI's - Dale was gracious enough to pose for this
photo-op before scampering home to catch some late-night Apprentice
Dale: 'love the Donald!'
LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - On a redundantly cold and chilly night, the air might have been frigid, but the Conundrum bats were positively sizzling. Finding their stride in Week 3 of the 2011 Lakewood Leisure League campaign, the Mystery Boys crushed the Rebellion, aka The Rebels 23-8 in a 4 inning “blowout the candles” abbreviated contest. It was a bloodbath from the old “get go” as the Puzzlers blasted the Rebs early and often, including 8 and 10 run bursts in the 1st and 3rd innings respectively. Admitted former HGH user, Dale St. Aubin took home the Crunchoclaty MVP this week with a perfect 4 for 4 at the plate that included a two-run bomb and 4 RBI’s. The Conundrums slugger and ace hurler (from the pitcher’s mound, not the porcelain bus) reluctantly accepted the coach’s award and was quoted as saying “there are those far more deserving than I”. Privately, however, Aubbie simply wanted to get home and watch highlights from William/Kate’s wedding. If it wasn’t too late, he’d indulge himself with an Apprentice to boot.
Defective Metal? - On this late night, everyone was hitting. Well… almost everyone. The only ‘drum-sticks that were not beating properly were from the “Velveeta Connection”, otherwise referred to as Eric Swan Song and Thomas Hody Ho-dorf. After destroying yet another Conundrum rally, Tom pleaded with Coach Tomey to throw him to the back of the lineup from now on, but coach said “no can do”. “Why do you think my average is as sick as it is?” said a clearly guarded coach. Swanny was still recovering from his bachelor party from the previous weekend in his digs in Aurora. TWICS Pubs didn’t get the inside story of what was no doubt a raucous affair; the official news from the Swanny camp was simply, “what happens in Aurora, stays in Aurora”.
Who You Calling Yellow? – Like any other game, the Conundrums-Rebel matchup was adjudicated by two league officials. What was unusual, however, was the home plate umpire, Alfred E. Shooman shunned the normal blue attire in favor of the bright yellow jacket. It was a confusing time for many of the players, who did not know how to address Big Al. At the game’s conclusion, one player requesting anonymity, said good naturedly, “Hey Yellow, nice game!”, which you can imagine caused quite a stir. Shooman had to be restrained by his blue colleague. Shouts of “Who you calling yellow!” and “you better watch your back, jack!” echoed throughout the empty park. On a personal note, this reporter was more struck at the resemblance of the yellow-jacketed ump to Colonel Mustard than anything else…but hey, that’s just me.
Injury Report – Week 3
Sean (The) Butcher – too sick
Eddie “No-Doz” Layton – too tired
Team physicians advised both veteran Conundrums to get plenty of rest. Additionally, Butcher was given plenty of cold medicine while Eddie was advised to cut back on his 6 daily naps and to download a sheep counting app
