Games 15 and 16 - vs. Rusty Machine, Ralphies

1st Game

Rusty Machine 20
Conundrums 7 (5 Innings)

2nd Game
Ralphies 20
Conundrums 15

Attendance: 1
Season Total: 25

Back Door Champions!
Puzzlers Swept Away In Season Finale, But Ralphie Loss Clinches 2nd Straight Title

2011 Leisure League Champions
Front Row: Dave Brubaker, Blue Brubaker, Jason Emmot, Paul Ries, Tim Doherty, Ed Layton
Back Row: Ryan Wilcoxen, Dale St. Aubin, Eric Swanson, Bob Tomey, Tom Hodorff, Sean Butcher, Dan Batt
Not Pictured: Brandon Casey

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - 'Twas nothing short of ugly, but years from now who will notice that the Conundrums back-doored their way to their 2nd straight Leisure League championship. The Puzzlers lost 3 of their final 4 games of the season, including a Monday night doubleheader sweep to their biggest Leisure League rivals, Rusty Machine and The Ralphies. But thanks to a 20-15 loss at the hands of The Rebels, in game 1 of their twin-bill, the Ralphies were eliminated, thus clinching the title for the Conundrums, who suffered a crushing loss to Rusty Machine, 20-7 in the opener. The Ralphies' loss produced an anti-climactic, irrelevant final matchup, allowing the Posers to go forward with their 3rd annual Random Game, now a tradition for the final game of the season. Unfortunately, the Conundrums looked anything but champions in either game, exhibiting their worst defensive showing of the season. Add to boot, a steady stream of baserunning gaffes against Rusty and the evening spelled disaster with a capital "D". By securing the league title, the 'drums assured themselves of no less than a #3 seed for the annual post-season tournament to be held Sunday, August 28. But coach Bob Tomey, who removed himself during the first game against Rusty due to lower back pain was emphatic as he commented on the team's performance: "That was brutal. I'm in a lot of pain right now and it has nothing to do with my back." The Mystery Boys won their first Leisure tourney last year, thanks to 3 near miracle comeback wins. With the club ending the season on a low note, heading into the Sunday tournament, it's time once again to find a mountain peak, summon the softball gods and pray for devine intervention.

Emmot Launchpad - It's been a record year for team HR-O's this year. Nothing typified this more after Jason "DC Power" Emmot slammed three meaningless balls over Field #2's fences in the DH opener against Rusty. Just back from his unathorized vacation in Cabo, the refreshed Littleton resident set a single game record with 3 HR-O's Monday. Fittingly, Emwa crushed the ball like the Machine crushed the Conundrums - early and often. Fellow Puzzler Bash Brother Dale St. Aubin was as impressed as anyone and publicly challenged Emmot to an HR-O Derby. TP calls to Jason's agent requesting comment were not immediately returned.

Pleased To Meet Me - Something was rotten in the park of Lakewood Monday and it had nothing to do with Conundrum jerseys that have escaped a washing machine this summer. No, the foul malodor was coming from the Rusty bench that was allegedly laced with ringers. How else can one explain why there were a surplus of Rustys in a season where the Machine has strugged to pull together a a full team game in and game out this year. Puzzler players smelled a rat when Rustys were observed introducing themselves to each other. Despite Paul Ries' appeal to coach Tomey, the Conundrums declined to file a protest with the League office, given the team's proud tradition and commitment to "gentlemenly sportsmanship". Ries was given an Old Chub in hopes the acrid brew would elicit an acid reflux reaction, thus diverting his attention from the matter.

Moon Over Lakewood Park - Scientists blame Conundrums' near season collapse on full moon Monday night

Curses To The Accused! - The 2nd game Crunchoclaty MVP award was given to Emwa, mostly for his grand slam HR, the only legitimate one of 4 he launched this evening that amounted to a hill of beans. But controversy again reared her/his/its ugly head when Tomey correctly guessed the random number 2 known only to Dan Batt lady friend, Debbie during the Random Game MVP selection. Eric "TWIX-Deprived" Swanson objected vehemently and accused Tomey and Deb of plotting some wicked conspiracy while both were observing the game from the Conundrum bleachers. "This is an outrage", said the outraged Swanny. "I demand an inquisition!" added the inquisitive Eric. The Puzzler Skipper dismissed such senseless charges as "dismissive" and insensible". While the evidence offered by Swanson remains circumstantial at best, these circumstances have brought out the worst in all of us.

Mirror TWIXES: Above, coach Tomey presents Emmot with Game 2 Crunchoclaty, Right, Emmot presents Tomey with Random Crunchoclaty. Uh, maybe....maybe it's Tomey getting Random Crunchoclaty above, Em on right?...... Hmmm

I'm Not Really a Hody Agent, But I Play One In TWICS Life - In appreciation of the Rebels knocking off the Ralphies, Coach Tomey offered Old Chubs for each Reb. Oddly, Tomey's kind offer of the tasteless, er tasty Scottish Ale was rebuked by one Rebel, who many will recall years ago was the victim of a brutal slide attack by then Poser rookie Tom Hodorff, known globally as "Hody Do". After four separate but equal knee surgeries to repair the torn miniscule bisicuous ligament, the Rebel man spent the next few years fighting his way back to the leisure league level he aspired to since his late 30's. Tomey, recognizing that even a premium piss-ale the quality of Chub would be an insult, offered Reb-man a lifetime 50% discount on all Handy Hody home improvement services (while supplies last). When the deal was happily consummated, Tomey informed Hody of the obligation by text mail one hour after Tom departed from the ballpark.

Week 13 - vs. Our Bats, Your Balls, vs. Maptek T-Bones

Our Bats, Your Balls 13
Conundrums 8

Maptek T-Bones 6 (4 Innings
Conundrums 24
Attendance: 8
Season Attendance To Date: 24

After 6 takes, the MVP award for games 1 and 2 were finally recorded;

Coach awards Game 1 Crunchoclaty to Paul Ries, Game 2 MVP nod goes

to Ed Layton. Lesson learned: Never give camera to mohito-challenged

photographer.

11's Enough!

OBYB End 'drums' Streak; Maptek Drubbing in Nightcap Cuts Magic # to 1

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - The Puzzler woes on cavernous Field #1 continued Monday night as the team failed to clinch the Leisure League title. With a dreary performance in the first game of a doubleheader, the Conundrums fell to Our Bats, Your Balls - or OBYB in shorthand-speak - by a 13-8 margin. The FOP Dawgs were requested to issue an APB for the offense and defense as both of these typical Conundrum traits were MIA. The loss snapped the Conundrums’ 11 game win streak, but the Posers rebounded with some dignity in the second game as they buried Maptek “Give That Dog Some” T-Bones 24-6, avenging their opening game loss to the Tekkies. The split reduced the magic number to clinch the league title down to 1. With 2 games left in the Leisure circuit, the ‘drums need to take 1 game or require the Ralphs to lose 1 of 2. The Puzzlers square off with the Ralphies in the season finale, the second contest of another doubleheader next Monday evening.

No Field of Dreams – They built it, but the Conundrums didn’t want to come. Lakewood Park’s Field #1 has been a source of grief for the franchise whenever forced to make up games there. Just why the team suffers on the big field remains a conundrum. On the bright side, the scoreboard is 37% functional, which is a big plus for our inebriated fans who wish to track the game in between shots of mohitos.

Go Team Go! (Burrrp!) The Puzzlers set a new record for single game attendance when eight patrons packed the stands. The crowd was as spirited as you’ll ever see. The rowdies, fueled by mohitos, were in a cheering mood, even when the Conundrums were going down in flames in the first game. It was difficult to determine at times whom the Mohito Mauraders were rooting for. When Ryan Wilcoxen mysteriously muffed a routine pop fly, the drunken patrons were heard screaming “yeah Ryan!. Way to go, dude!” It was the first time anyone can remember the home crowd requesting a player curtain call for dropping a ball. Never one to disappoint, Wilky gladly tipped his hat to the appreciating crowd on his way back to the dugout. (Or was that his middle finger?)

After 12 games, Puzzler fans finally show up in (loud) droves; Puzzler Rooter celebrates Paul Ries grand slam by chugging home-made prune juice brew; Former Conundrum Mark Satriano shares a cordial moment with Ryan Wilcoxen as amused Eric Swanson looks on.

Son Of Eddie? A funny thing happened on Eddie’s way to scoring Monday. The veteran Conundrum did what every hard-nosed catcher does to his counterpart: “Pudge” Layton lowered his scapula and nearly decapitated the Maptek backstabber, er backstopper, ala Buster Posey. Eddie was heard as far away as Field #3 rounding third base, screaming, “this one’s for Buster, you turkey!” Nobody knew what drove Eddie to near madness, but then the same may be asked of the Boston Strangler for weeping very softly, er for crying out loud.

When Bad Boys Go Good - Mark it down – Monday night was the first week in ages that no Conundrum experienced a run-in with either the umpiring crew or opposing team – gone were Ryan Wilcoxen-like rants, absent were the Dale St Aubin dag-nab expletives, lacking were the Sean Butcher beer-guzzling game-consumptions that led to the heave and a ho. Have the Mysterians lost their edge, shedding that Broadstreet Bully mantra in favor of the bible-thumping soft-spoken Colorado Rockies? Seriously...it’s not a rhetorical question.

The Old Emwa And The Sea - Many blame the team’s loss to OBYB on the absence of team BA leader, Jason “Club Med” Emmot, whose only objective while vacationing in the sands of Cabo this week was to snare a 55 pound giggling marlin. What makes this piece so peculiar is that the Gigglin Marlin is actually a bar & grille in downtown Cabo. And that’s no laughing matter (with apologies to deep-sea fishing aficionados everywhere)

Hat Thievery Is A Felony Where I Come From: And finally, if anyone knows the whereabouts of Coach Tomey’s sweat-soaked Conundrum ball cap, please return it to the team’s Lost ‘n Found receptacle located at the far end of the outside foyer near the edge of the parking lot next to the park’s dumpster. The perpetrator will not be castigated, although there is no guarantee that the fiend will escape un-castrated.

Week 12 - at Classic Metals

Conundrums 25
Classic Metals 1 (3 Innings)
Attendance: 2
Season Attendance To Date: 16

Heavy Metal Thunder!
Conundrums Smash Metals in Classic Fashion – Magic Number at 2

Ryan Wilcoxen Lends Coach Tomey his ear after winning this week's
MVP Crunchoclaty Award: 4-4, 3 RBI's, 2B (2)...He found the missing
pen, dang it!

LAKEWOOD PARK (TP) A monsoon blew across Lakewood Park’s rickety Field #2 Monday night and it had nothing to do with the weather. After a quiet 1st inning, the Conundrum bats stormed the hapless Classless Metals with a barrage of ceaseless hail, producing 25 runs in 2 innings, by far the most productive span of offense ever produced in the club’s fairy tale history. After the corroded Metals miraculously managed to eek out one run in the bottom 3rd stanza, the game was mercifully called in a 25-1 massacre that would make a Chicago slaughterhouse shudder. With the game in hand, Conundrum starting hurler, Dale St Aubin was texting the stars of “American Idol”, “The Bachelor”, and “Keep Your Poodle Off My Schnauzer, Or Else!” in between pitches. It was nolo contendere from the get-go. The Ralphies suffered their 3rd straight loss and they now trail the Conundrums by 3 games with 4 to play bringing the magic number to repeat down to 2 games.

I’m Afraid I’m Going To Have To Ask You To Leave – Sensing his calling to lead the team in a category other than career strikeouts, Sean “The Chosen One” Butcher gets the heave ho from the home plate ump for consuming a cold brew during the game. The toss out was the second in Butcher’s stormy softball career, thus bestowing the Wheat Ridge inhabitant as the undisputed all-time team leader in game ejections. Sean, never one to hold a grudge, offered the home plate ump a post-game PBR to show no hard feelings. They killed off the remainder of the 12-pack amid a new kinship then stumbled over to nearby Hooters where they were asked to leave after inciting a wing-ding fight. Two ejections in one night? All in all, it was a pretty good evening.

Clean It Up, Buddy Once Butcher was expelled, St. Aubin became the next target. The feisty father of two boys lost his composure after a questionable pitch went the hitter’s way. Aubbie glared in at the umpire, exclaiming “dang it!” but luckily was only given a warning. Any further use of profanity such as “darn”, “shoot”, “gosh”, “blasted”, “doggone” and “shucks” and Aubbie would suffer the same fate as Butchy. When “Filthy Mouth” Dale responded with “oh for crying out loud”, the puritanical officiator told him he was skating on thin ice. Team officials vowed to “talk” to Dale, advising him to refrain from hanging out with truck drivers going forward.

You Can’t Put a Price On a Bic: Coach Tomey loses the official Team pen, causing panic and mayhem. Eddie Layton offers up a cheap knock-off used exclusively for his personal grocery lists. Initially Tomey scoffs. Sure it works for documenting foodstuff items, but how can it stand up to the scribbling rigors of a softball scorebook? Hastily, the skip puts aside his hubris and accepts Eddie’s offer. Ah but the second-hand pen fails to inspire Puzzler hitters and the team racks up blanks in the first inning. Fortunately, Ryan “Sherlock Holmes” Wilcoxen discovers the official pen, and once re-commissioned, the Poser offensive siege begins in earnest in the 2nd/3rd frames. Contrary to popular belief, it was not Wilky’s 4-4 performance that secured his rise to Crunchoclaty glory. Rather it was his heroic rescue of the little ink-filled receptacle that sealed the deal.

The Write Pen: Official Conundrum Pen - Don't Score Games without it.

Judge Judy’s a Whore! Jason “Litigious” Emmot is presented the five M & M’s from Coach Tomey in the out of court settlement that nearly rocked the blissful Puzzler family. While they agreed to disagree over the meaning of dandies and gems, Tomey and Emmot agreed to allow slumbering canines to remain still. The five M&M award was the largest legal payout from the Posers since 2002 when the club agreed to compensate Donnie Baker with a case of pork rinds after he was unceremoniously given a team pink slip. To this day, Baker is unwavering that he got the better of the deal.

He Never Side Steps An Issue Tom “Oopsie” Hodorff single-handedly revives the Batting Error (BE) stat after being called out in the 3rd inning for stepping out of the batter’s box prematurely. As a result of Tom’s accomplishment, the Conundrums will rename the BE in his dishonor. TWICS Pubs is proud to be the first to announce the renaming of the “BE” to the “Double H” (Hody-Ho). Some people like to think outside the box, Hody chooses to step outside one. Bravo Tom!

Are You Flipping Kidding Me? In a nod to Random Night, the lopsided score allowed outfielders to switch roles with the regular infield crew. The boys didn’t disappoint as the game ended with a Wilky to Ries to Brubaker twin killing DP. Aubbie was relieved by Brandon “Rolaids” Casey who came into the game to protect a 24 run lead. Brandon shut down the Metals and was pleased with his overall performance despite a few butterflies. “I was a little nervous” said the 2nd year Puzzler. “I wasn’t used to coming into a game with such a short lead”.