Week 12 - at Classic Metals

Conundrums 25
Classic Metals 1 (3 Innings)
Attendance: 2
Season Attendance To Date: 16

Heavy Metal Thunder!
Conundrums Smash Metals in Classic Fashion – Magic Number at 2

Ryan Wilcoxen Lends Coach Tomey his ear after winning this week's
MVP Crunchoclaty Award: 4-4, 3 RBI's, 2B (2)...He found the missing
pen, dang it!

LAKEWOOD PARK (TP) A monsoon blew across Lakewood Park’s rickety Field #2 Monday night and it had nothing to do with the weather. After a quiet 1st inning, the Conundrum bats stormed the hapless Classless Metals with a barrage of ceaseless hail, producing 25 runs in 2 innings, by far the most productive span of offense ever produced in the club’s fairy tale history. After the corroded Metals miraculously managed to eek out one run in the bottom 3rd stanza, the game was mercifully called in a 25-1 massacre that would make a Chicago slaughterhouse shudder. With the game in hand, Conundrum starting hurler, Dale St Aubin was texting the stars of “American Idol”, “The Bachelor”, and “Keep Your Poodle Off My Schnauzer, Or Else!” in between pitches. It was nolo contendere from the get-go. The Ralphies suffered their 3rd straight loss and they now trail the Conundrums by 3 games with 4 to play bringing the magic number to repeat down to 2 games.

I’m Afraid I’m Going To Have To Ask You To Leave – Sensing his calling to lead the team in a category other than career strikeouts, Sean “The Chosen One” Butcher gets the heave ho from the home plate ump for consuming a cold brew during the game. The toss out was the second in Butcher’s stormy softball career, thus bestowing the Wheat Ridge inhabitant as the undisputed all-time team leader in game ejections. Sean, never one to hold a grudge, offered the home plate ump a post-game PBR to show no hard feelings. They killed off the remainder of the 12-pack amid a new kinship then stumbled over to nearby Hooters where they were asked to leave after inciting a wing-ding fight. Two ejections in one night? All in all, it was a pretty good evening.

Clean It Up, Buddy Once Butcher was expelled, St. Aubin became the next target. The feisty father of two boys lost his composure after a questionable pitch went the hitter’s way. Aubbie glared in at the umpire, exclaiming “dang it!” but luckily was only given a warning. Any further use of profanity such as “darn”, “shoot”, “gosh”, “blasted”, “doggone” and “shucks” and Aubbie would suffer the same fate as Butchy. When “Filthy Mouth” Dale responded with “oh for crying out loud”, the puritanical officiator told him he was skating on thin ice. Team officials vowed to “talk” to Dale, advising him to refrain from hanging out with truck drivers going forward.

You Can’t Put a Price On a Bic: Coach Tomey loses the official Team pen, causing panic and mayhem. Eddie Layton offers up a cheap knock-off used exclusively for his personal grocery lists. Initially Tomey scoffs. Sure it works for documenting foodstuff items, but how can it stand up to the scribbling rigors of a softball scorebook? Hastily, the skip puts aside his hubris and accepts Eddie’s offer. Ah but the second-hand pen fails to inspire Puzzler hitters and the team racks up blanks in the first inning. Fortunately, Ryan “Sherlock Holmes” Wilcoxen discovers the official pen, and once re-commissioned, the Poser offensive siege begins in earnest in the 2nd/3rd frames. Contrary to popular belief, it was not Wilky’s 4-4 performance that secured his rise to Crunchoclaty glory. Rather it was his heroic rescue of the little ink-filled receptacle that sealed the deal.

The Write Pen: Official Conundrum Pen - Don't Score Games without it.

Judge Judy’s a Whore! Jason “Litigious” Emmot is presented the five M & M’s from Coach Tomey in the out of court settlement that nearly rocked the blissful Puzzler family. While they agreed to disagree over the meaning of dandies and gems, Tomey and Emmot agreed to allow slumbering canines to remain still. The five M&M award was the largest legal payout from the Posers since 2002 when the club agreed to compensate Donnie Baker with a case of pork rinds after he was unceremoniously given a team pink slip. To this day, Baker is unwavering that he got the better of the deal.

He Never Side Steps An Issue Tom “Oopsie” Hodorff single-handedly revives the Batting Error (BE) stat after being called out in the 3rd inning for stepping out of the batter’s box prematurely. As a result of Tom’s accomplishment, the Conundrums will rename the BE in his dishonor. TWICS Pubs is proud to be the first to announce the renaming of the “BE” to the “Double H” (Hody-Ho). Some people like to think outside the box, Hody chooses to step outside one. Bravo Tom!

Are You Flipping Kidding Me? In a nod to Random Night, the lopsided score allowed outfielders to switch roles with the regular infield crew. The boys didn’t disappoint as the game ended with a Wilky to Ries to Brubaker twin killing DP. Aubbie was relieved by Brandon “Rolaids” Casey who came into the game to protect a 24 run lead. Brandon shut down the Metals and was pleased with his overall performance despite a few butterflies. “I was a little nervous” said the 2nd year Puzzler. “I wasn’t used to coming into a game with such a short lead”.

Week 10: At The Ralphies

Conundrums 12
Ralphies 6
Attendance: 4
Season Attendance to Date: 14

Ralphies Can’t Solve the Puzzle
Conundrums Dominate Upchucks, Take 2-Game Lead In Leisure Stretch Run

Tim Doherty accepts his second Crunchoclaty of year, going an astounding 5-5 but it was his leadership directing outfield traffic that sealed the deal - his presence is commanding.

LAKEWOOD, CO RAY ROSS PARK (TP) In the last of 2 games played at Ray Ross Park this season, the game of the year won’t exactly be remembered as a TWICS classic, but was nonetheless a well played affair that was equally entertaining. The Conundrums walked away with a convincing 12-6 win over the Ralphies who entered the game just ½ game behind the league leading Puzzlers. Despite playing minus the services of key full time employees, Jason “BBQ” Emmot, David “Late Nite in Kiowa” Brubaker, and part time worker, Dan “Turf-Toe Gout” Batt, the Puzzlers led all the way - from start to finish if you will (because sometimes you won’t). After the Posers jumped out to an early 1st inning 4-0 spurt, the Ralphs fought back, chiseling away at the lead until the 4th inning when they narrowed the gap to 7-6. But some timely hitting in some key situations at the most opportunistic moments by the most unlikely candidates in a world full of shimmy sham on a day leathered with heat exhaustion allowed the Mystery Boys to pull away and batten down the hatches on the frustrated Ralphs, who later went on to be upset by the once mighty Maptek T-Bones. The double loss dropped the Ralphies (8-3) two games back of the Posers, while 3rd place Rusty Machine (7-4) dropped their contest to the FOP Dawgs. They now trail the Conundrums by a shocking 3 games. This leaves the Puzzle Heads (10-1) clearly in the driver’s seat for a possible league repeat. As they say in the sports cliché’ biz, “it’s theirs to lose”.

Stone’s Throw from a TWIX – Emmot, on hiatus in Kansas City, allegedly conducting “phony” business with his new CenturyLink compadres, attempts to become the first non-participating MVP Crunchoclaty recipient by instructing ‘drums’ pitching ace, Dale St. Aubin to throw another gem as the key to stifling the Ralphies. Indeed, Aubbie pitched a typical great game allowing just 6 runs. Emmot followed the game, inning by inning via the first ever streaming text messaging as communicated by Tomey’s better half, wife Holly “Teacher, Teacher” Tomey. Upon learning of the outcome, Em, sitting in a KC bar, jumped for joy (spilling his pint of Speights Pale Ale in the process), exclaiming, “a gem on my counsel, the TWIX is mine, mine, mine!” Ah but not so fast Broadband Jason. Technically Aubbie threw a “dandy”, not a “gem”. Emmot cried foul and threatened legal action, citing precedent law in Jim Dandy vs. Gem Crow” (1966). The dispute was settled out of Kangaroo Court when Tomey promised Em five pieces of M&M’s upon his return to the team next week.

“I Can Take A Ribbing As Well As The Next Guy” – in déjà vu fashion, Tomey once again gets hung out to dry when 3B coach Aubin sends “Scooter” home on a Sean Butcher single, only to be cut apart from Ralphies’ bulldog catcher known only as “Tank”. Tomey, expecting to score easily, barrels into the Tank who applies the tag while crushing the same rib cage that was shattered 8 years prior when Mark Satriano sent the battered player/coach down the river in a similar incident. Talking to reporters afterwards, Butcher was asked how the coach was feeling: “Terrible! That S.O.B. cost me an RBI…..Oh you meant Bob!”

His Hero Was Curt Gouty: Know this! Hideously deformed toes are not your friends! Influenced by the grossly misshapen toe in the J. Emmot-authored article in the 7/11 TWICS (TP will never show it again on these pages), Dan Batt worries that the self-diagnosed turf toe is actually a form of gout and hurries over to his Granby physician, Wendell Tu Boot. Dr. Tu Boot, who also acts as the town’s Court Bailiff, City Planner and Bingo Coordinator examined Dan and proclaimed the monstrous toe was indeed turf toe, not gout as feared. The good doctor did however caution Batt to lay off the bleached tripe and fried liver and stop reading the TWICS for 2-3 weeks minimum.

Layton’s Awakening: In his second straight appearance since conquering his sleeping sickness affliction, Eddie “Toss ‘n Turn” Layton puts on a masterful backstop show, chasing down not one, but two behind the plate popup snags. And if that wasn’t enough (it never seems to be), “Fast Eddie" added a 2-4 plate performance. To top it off, the man who resides in Lafayette also managed to stay awake long enough to witness the last out recorded. Yes, as we head down the stretch towards the final 5 games, “Fast Eddie” is in mid-season form. Tuck that under yer pillow!

I Don’t Always Play Ball, But When I Do…This week’s MVP crunchoclaty award goes out to Tim “Sporty” Doherty who shocks the free world with his 5-5 performance. But the clincher was Timmy’s artful leadership of the Conundrum outfield, directing players like a symphony director his orchestra, carefully barking out “Back! Back!”, “In! In!” then “Back!, no In!, I mean Ba-in!” to his mates. He so captivated his fellow outfielders that after one routine catch with nobody on, Ryan Wilcoxen asked him what base to throw to. On another sky-high fly to left, he once instructed Paul Ries to take 4 steps back, 3 steps in, do the Icky shuffle, perform 5 backward flips all while reciting the star spangled banner in the King’s English before finally catching the ball. Tim Doherty – he is the most interesting man in the outfield.