Ralphies 6
Attendance: 4
Season Attendance to Date: 14
Conundrums Dominate Upchucks, Take 2-Game Lead In Leisure Stretch Run
Tim Doherty accepts his second Crunchoclaty of year, going an astounding 5-5 but it was his leadership directing outfield traffic that sealed the deal - his presence is commanding.
LAKEWOOD, CO RAY ROSS PARK (TP) In the last of 2 games played at Ray Ross Park this season, the game of the year won’t exactly be remembered as a TWICS classic, but was nonetheless a well played affair that was equally entertaining. The Conundrums walked away with a convincing 12-6 win over the Ralphies who entered the game just ½ game behind the league leading Puzzlers. Despite playing minus the services of key full time employees, Jason “BBQ” Emmot, David “Late Nite in Kiowa” Brubaker, and part time worker, Dan “Turf-Toe Gout” Batt, the Puzzlers led all the way - from start to finish if you will (because sometimes you won’t). After the Posers jumped out to an early 1st inning 4-0 spurt, the Ralphs fought back, chiseling away at the lead until the 4th inning when they narrowed the gap to 7-6. But some timely hitting in some key situations at the most opportunistic moments by the most unlikely candidates in a world full of shimmy sham on a day leathered with heat exhaustion allowed the Mystery Boys to pull away and batten down the hatches on the frustrated Ralphs, who later went on to be upset by the once mighty Maptek T-Bones. The double loss dropped the Ralphies (8-3) two games back of the Posers, while 3rd place Rusty Machine (7-4) dropped their contest to the FOP Dawgs. They now trail the Conundrums by a shocking 3 games. This leaves the Puzzle Heads (10-1) clearly in the driver’s seat for a possible league repeat. As they say in the sports cliché’ biz, “it’s theirs to lose”.
Stone’s Throw from a TWIX – Emmot, on hiatus in Kansas City, allegedly conducting “phony” business with his new CenturyLink compadres, attempts to become the first non-participating MVP Crunchoclaty recipient by instructing ‘drums’ pitching ace, Dale St. Aubin to throw another gem as the key to stifling the Ralphies. Indeed, Aubbie pitched a typical great game allowing just 6 runs. Emmot followed the game, inning by inning via the first ever streaming text messaging as communicated by Tomey’s better half, wife Holly “Teacher, Teacher” Tomey. Upon learning of the outcome, Em, sitting in a KC bar, jumped for joy (spilling his pint of Speights Pale Ale in the process), exclaiming, “a gem on my counsel, the TWIX is mine, mine, mine!” Ah but not so fast Broadband Jason. Technically Aubbie threw a “dandy”, not a “gem”. Emmot cried foul and threatened legal action, citing precedent law in Jim Dandy vs. Gem Crow” (1966). The dispute was settled out of Kangaroo Court when Tomey promised Em five pieces of M&M’s upon his return to the team next week.“I Can Take A Ribbing As Well As The Next Guy” – in déjà vu fashion, Tomey once again gets hung out to dry when 3B coach Aubin sends “Scooter” home on a Sean Butcher single, only to be cut apart from Ralphies’ bulldog catcher known only as “Tank”. Tomey, expecting to score easily, barrels into the Tank who applies the tag while crushing the same rib cage that was shattered 8 years prior when Mark Satriano sent the battered player/coach down the river in a similar incident. Talking to reporters afterwards, Butcher was asked how the coach was feeling: “Terrible! That S.O.B. cost me an RBI…..Oh you meant Bob!”
His Hero Was Curt Gouty: Know this! Hideously deformed toes are not your friends! Influenced by the grossly misshapen toe in the J. Emmot-authored article in the 7/11 TWICS (TP will never show it again on these pages), Dan Batt worries that the self-diagnosed turf toe is actually a form of gout and hurries over to his Granby physician, Wendell Tu Boot. Dr. Tu Boot, who also acts as the town’s Court Bailiff, City Planner and Bingo Coordinator examined Dan and proclaimed the monstrous toe was indeed turf toe, not gout as feared. The good doctor did however caution Batt to lay off the bleached tripe and fried liver and stop reading the TWICS for 2-3 weeks minimum.
Layton’s Awakening: In his second straight appearance since conquering his sleeping sickness affliction, Eddie “Toss ‘n Turn” Layton puts on a masterful backstop show, chasing down not one, but two behind the plate popup snags. And if that wasn’t enough (it never seems to be), “Fast Eddie" added a 2-4 plate performance. To top it off, the man who resides in Lafayette also managed to stay awake long enough to witness the last out recorded. Yes, as we head down the stretch towards the final 5 games, “Fast Eddie” is in mid-season form. Tuck that under yer pillow!
I Don’t Always Play Ball, But When I Do…This week’s MVP crunchoclaty award goes out to Tim “Sporty” Doherty who shocks the free world with his 5-5 performance. But the clincher was Timmy’s artful leadership of the Conundrum outfield, directing players like a symphony director his orchestra, carefully barking out “Back! Back!”, “In! In!” then “Back!, no In!, I mean Ba-in!” to his mates. He so captivated his fellow outfielders that after one routine catch with nobody on, Ryan Wilcoxen asked him what base to throw to. On another sky-high fly to left, he once instructed Paul Ries to take 4 steps back, 3 steps in, do the Icky shuffle, perform 5 backward flips all while reciting the star spangled banner in the King’s English before finally catching the ball. Tim Doherty – he is the most interesting man in the outfield.
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