Week 10 - at Fat Old Men

7/12/10
Conundrums 21
Fat Old Men 16

Attendance: 3
Year to date: 17

"Old Men" Can't Figure Out Puzzle, Conundrums Alone At The Top, Control Own Destiny

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – Billed as the "Battle of The Leisure Behemoths - Part Deux", the Fat Old Men Monday Night at Lakewood Park sought to exact revenge from the earlier 23-8 lopsided Conundrums massacre and reclaim sole possession of 1st place in the hotly contested Leisure League Standings. Instead, while it was not exactly deja vu, the streaking Puzzlers held the frustrated Old Guys at arm's length for most of the game, maintaining the lead for the entire 7 innings. The showdown lived up to the pre-game hype, with the Puzzlers ultimately pulling away in the late innings, taking a commanding 21-10 lead into the last of the 7th. But the FOM mounted a furious rally scoring 6 times before the 'drums finally extinguished the flames, thus walking away with their 8th straight win and more importantly, sole possession of 1st place. By virtue of sweeping the season series against the "Old Men", the Posers now hold a crucial tie-breaking advantage should the two teams end the grueling 14 game schedule in deadlock. To coin a softball phrase that was borrowed (with permission) from the International Ping-Pong Federation, the Conundrums now control their own destiny.

She's not Nutty, She's Confused - The game was marred by some "puzzling" umpiring calls affecting both teams. Home plate chief umpire (let's call her 'Millie') left both teams bewildered. For starters, Millie called a grounder "foul" that was authored by Tom "Hody Doe" Hodorff that clearly hit the 3rd base bag - to any student of the game, the ball should have been ruled fair. Later, 1st base ump, Jerry (apologies to all, his birthright name escapes TP) admitted to coach/first baseman Tomey that Millie's call implies a "new set of softball rules have been created" and why wasn't Jerry informed? Second, Millie allowed a Fat Old Man to stand 12 feet behind home plate, declaring that "there are no boundary limits where a batter may stand". Thirdly, the Millster called a FOM runner out at 3rd base, that was clearly to the contrary, even to 1st base sacker Tomey with his 20/400 vision. In general, Millie's strike zone was all over the map, calling balls hitting the plate strikes pitches landing just beyond the plate balls while redefining the pitching arc limit to an arbitrary 5 feet one inning, 20 feet the next. It was later learned that Millie is an avid fan of the random.org website, thus explaining her erratic adjudication behavior. TWICS Pubs, in a Freedom of Information filing, obtained Millie's Lakewood pre-employment background screenings revealing she's been in and out of dementia institutions for the last 30+ years. The Conundrums and Fat Old Men ball clubs issued a joint statement indicating no hard feelings against Millie, and just hope she can finally get the help she deserves.

May I Offer You a Complimentary Shave With That TWIX Bar? While receiving the weekly Coach's Choice Cruncholaty TWIX bar for game MVP, Jason Emmot got more than he bargained for when he was unceremoniously ambushed with a generous portion of Barbarsol Pie from fellow teammate Ryan "The Barber" Wilcoxen. With a little help from accomplice Paul "Partner In Crime" Ries, Wilky completed the fait accompli just as the cameras rolled to witness the weekly TWIX presentation. More shocking than a game where Tomey/Butcher reach base safely, the helpless Emwa was mercilessly attacked by the stealthy Wilcoxen with a Barbasol-saturated towel of foamy creme. So efficiently executed was this brutality, presidential secret service agents could not have intervened in time to save Emwa and his foam-soaked kisser. There was so much lathery foam at the crime scene, collateral damage was widespread. Some of the foam reportedly ricocheted off Em and struck innocent bystanders including TWIX Crunchoclaty Presenter and Conundrums Coach Bob Tomey, who screamed "I'm hit!" Team Safety Director, Sean Butcher responded immediately, calling 911 and bellowing "Man Down! Man Down!". Meanwhile Emmot looked in vain for a Gillette Fusion ProGuide Triple Action Power Razor. Making a hasty beeline for his Littleton home bathroom, he reportedly shaved for two hours before finally removing all foamy traces of the incident from his scrubbed mug. The attack puts all Conundrums on a heightened state of alert. No player is safe from Ryan's Foam of Terror. The current shaving creme threat level is now Orange.

Watch the complete video of Jason's creamation on YouTube. Copy/paste the following link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9MpXFhf8uI

Catching Up With Dan - Dan "Water Is My Life" Batt makes a Prodigal Son return, fresh from the Granby, Colorado highlands. The Denver Water employee, sometimes Conundrum, looked fresh at the plate, going a solid 3-5 and even managed to scoop a wobbly throw from rookie 3 sacker, Brandon "I can't buy a TWIX Bar" Casey. Contrary to popular opinion, Batt's rare appearances at Lakewood Park in 2010 are not necessarily the consequence of working on assignment in the mountain town of Granby; actually he's working on his first book, "Water is Wet, But It Doesn't Have To Be" (H2O Paperback), due out in Indie bookstores this Fall.

Fast Eddie Road Diaries, First Entry: Diary Notes from Easy Rider Layton's "Black Rebel Motorcycle Club" Great Southwest travels: July 10 - While leading the Club through the Four Corners region, I remember I didn't turn off the bedroom nightlight. I didn't panic. With a steady hand, I gave my fellow Rebels the signal to turn back. 14 hours later, we're back on track. Tired...must sleep now.

He's Smart, I Know That Much: Dave "Robert Redford's My Favorite Actor" Brubaker continues his on-again, off-again relationship with the Conundrums. The latest setback from the Puzzler leadoff man occurred when Dave was forced to work the night shift somewhere on the lonesome Interstate 70 mountain corridor, working who knows what with God knows who. When Sean Butcher was asked repeatedly what his longtime friend does to sustain a living outside of Conundrum softball, the Butchster explained rather emphatically, "I have no idea. He's an engineer of some sort - I think he works with calculators, rulers and tractors. No wait, it's protractors. Yeah, that's it."

Certified Scorekeepers Wanted! Tired of consulting with Rosetta Stone experts to crack the cryptic Conundrums game score card, team skipper Tomey has decided to hold a Conundrums seminar, "Idiot's Guide To Scorekeeping". "We've got scorekeepers circling this, crossing out that, adding footnotes here, filling in diamonds there, it's frustrating", said the clearly frustrated coach/team statistician. Upon completion of the course, players must be certified just to touch the book. A typical Conundrums scorebook is illustrated below (courtesy of the Conundrums). (Oooh, he's right, that is tough to read)


Team Photo Night Rescheduled Finally, TWICS Pubs would like to correct a story appearing in the June 21 edition of the TWICS reporting that Team Photo Night would occur on June 28. Team Photo Night was unexpectedly postponed when only 10 of the 13 roster players showed up. The team has yet to reschedule the celebrated event, but did issue this statement explaining the decision: "We simply didn't have enough broom effigies on hand to represent the missing players". The team asks that fans and interested parties "bear with us" during these trying times.