Week 11 - vs. Fismits

7/19/10
Conundrums 12
Fismits 5
Attendance: 2
Year to date: 19

Puzzler "D" Shuts Down Fizzy Mits - Magic Number 2

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – On a sizzling night where temps climbed near 90 at 6:15 game time, the Conundrum bats hovered just above freezing. But thanks to some stellar defense, solid pitching and some "sacrifices" from all around, the Mystery Boys of Lakewood Summer cruised to a 12-5 win over the pesky Fismits. The contest featured a Conundrum record four sac flies, including two by Dale "Sacrificial Lamb" St. Aubin. While the Puzzler offense staggered - three nameless players (Tomey/Butcher/Hody Do) went hitless - the defense more than picked up the slack. Highlighted by Eric "Air Jordan" Swanson's well timed jump at 2B to snag a would-be line drive hit, the entire field of 10 played a solid 7 innings. St. Aubin, who improved his record to 8-0 once again kept the opposition at bay, had his backspin cutter dancing around the Fismits, forcing more can 'o corn pop ups than Ryan Wilcoxen can shake a stick at. With 3 games left to go, the Conundrums (9-2) magic number to clinch the league title is 2. Any combination of 2 losses by the Fat Old Men or 2 wins by the Posers will secure the team's 2nd Lakewood Leisure League Crown and first since 2004.

Running Down A 'drum - For the second straight week, a Conundrum player was hung out to dry in a rundown of epic proportions between 2nd and 3rd. Last week rookie Brandon "Houdini" Casey got caught in a self-induced pickle, but miraculously escaped, while living to tell about it. Eric "Tennis Ball" Swansong, on the other hand, was not so fortunate this Monday, and after several back and forth lobs between bases (we stopped counting after 14), the Modest Mouse groupie was apprehended by the swarm of Fismit pursuers. When the chagrined Swanny returned to the dugout, he was greeted by hoots, catcalls and other jeers of mockery. One unnamed source muttered rather indignantly: "he's no Brandon Casey, and I know Brandon Casey."

Just An Ordinary, Average Guy - Since making a seamless move from starting pitcher to first base, Sean Butcher has proven he's no Pat Sullivan or Brian Richie. For those of you too young to remember, during their playing days, former Conundrums Sully/Richie provided more drama catching routine infield throws than a Shakespearean actor playing Hamlet, Othello or Ren and Stimpy. Since sharing the 1B duties with Coach/Player/Statistician/Photographer/Videographer/GM/Finance Director/Team Psychiatrist Bob Tomey, Butchy has made easy plays look hard, hard plays look impossible, and impossible plays look reprehensive. Monday night, Butcher illustrated one of these points (which one?) in the fourth inning when he caught an unproblematic toss from one of the Puzzler infielders that a six year old paraplegic would likely have made. Yet Sean staunchly defended his average play: "My catch was the turning point of the game." That's debatable. Tim Doherty's dazzling crotch scratch in the 2nd inning helped snuff out a Fismit rally...or how about outfielder Paul Ries getting the ball into the infield after a base hit in the 3rd? And let's not forget Jason Emmot wiping the sweat off his forehead in the 5th, moments before hurler St Aubbie throwing a strike that may have reduced # of runs the Fizzles scored 2 innings later? Were Sean's 1B actions the single most pivotally unremarkable event of the game? TP will let our subscribers decide.

Hopes of Immortality Dashed - Sometime between the 1st and 7th inning, backstopper "Fast Eddie" Layton's failed attempt to chase down a foul pop up was an apparent case of mistaken identity. Just as the ball appears to be within his grasp, he suddenly pulls back, and it falls harmlessly to the earth. Later, Eddie swore that he heard a frightening roar and was about to be squashed by a powerful freight train. It wasn't a locomotive, but rather the imposing figure of Sean "Train Kept a Rollin All Night Long" Butcher, rushing in from 1B to assist. While Layton was relieved that his life was spared, he was bitter nonetheless: "Sean cost me not just a chance to make a catch, but clinch my election into the Lakewood City Softball Hall of Fame. Damn. I'll never become immoral now". TP is pretty sure he meant "immortal", but who really knows.

Quote of the Day: "We didn't hit a home run tonight...Come to think of it, we didn't hit a HR-Out either. Huh" - Eric "Aristotle" Swanson reflecting on the finer points of E League softball.

For Members Only - In a rarity, three Conundrums failed to hit safely in the same game. While it has been a common theme to look up at the box score and see "Oh for this, oh for that" next to Butcher and Tomey's name, it was rather shocking to see Tom Hodorff join such dubious company. Hody was welcomed into Bob and Sean's exclusive "Swing and a Wiff Club" Monday night when he joined the hapless hitting duo with his own 0-3 performance. Tomey - heading for his first subpar .500 season in franchise history - and Butcher presented Tom with an honorary Wiffy award as depicted below (printed with permission by Tomey-Butcher Make a Wiff Foundation)


Tom was apparently very touched and asked if he could come by the club next week. Said Bob: "Anytime, Tom, anytime"

Roger Maris Would Understand - After flirting with the Crunchoclaty for weeks, only to be denied time and again, Brandon Casey finally achieves chewy confectionary glory Monday Night, when Coach mercifully awarded the game MVP to the rook from Anytown USA. Casey avoided the unsavory distinction of being the only Conundrum rookie not to win at least one game MVP in a season, by taking home the prestigious award after 11 games. It is the longest streak any rookie has gone without biting into TWIX Treasure. Brandon was obviously relieved the ordeal was finally over and accepted the award without comment. In the weeks leading up to Monday night, the pressure was enormous. Reports of Casey's body hair and fingernails falling out were widespread. Never has one man, suffered so much for so long - unless you count the fielders forced to play alongside Pat Sullivan over the course of 10 seasons.

Team Photo Night Update - Team officials were still working out the final details as we went to print, but it appears a safe bet that Team Photo Night will finally happen next week before/during/after the Puzzler twin bill. The announcement has been delayed as plans to gather all 13 roster players are being finalized. The holdouts, Dan "Granby Pamby" Batt and Dave "Night Shift" Brubaker have given Coach Tomey positive feedback of their plans to attend the two games. The team's equipment manager, however, is not leaving anything to chance and intends to secure enough brooms for player effigies should one or both players renege on promises, promises. The magnitude of this decision has sweeping proportions.