Week 10: At The Ralphies

Conundrums 12
Ralphies 6
Attendance: 4
Season Attendance to Date: 14

Ralphies Can’t Solve the Puzzle
Conundrums Dominate Upchucks, Take 2-Game Lead In Leisure Stretch Run

Tim Doherty accepts his second Crunchoclaty of year, going an astounding 5-5 but it was his leadership directing outfield traffic that sealed the deal - his presence is commanding.

LAKEWOOD, CO RAY ROSS PARK (TP) In the last of 2 games played at Ray Ross Park this season, the game of the year won’t exactly be remembered as a TWICS classic, but was nonetheless a well played affair that was equally entertaining. The Conundrums walked away with a convincing 12-6 win over the Ralphies who entered the game just ½ game behind the league leading Puzzlers. Despite playing minus the services of key full time employees, Jason “BBQ” Emmot, David “Late Nite in Kiowa” Brubaker, and part time worker, Dan “Turf-Toe Gout” Batt, the Puzzlers led all the way - from start to finish if you will (because sometimes you won’t). After the Posers jumped out to an early 1st inning 4-0 spurt, the Ralphs fought back, chiseling away at the lead until the 4th inning when they narrowed the gap to 7-6. But some timely hitting in some key situations at the most opportunistic moments by the most unlikely candidates in a world full of shimmy sham on a day leathered with heat exhaustion allowed the Mystery Boys to pull away and batten down the hatches on the frustrated Ralphs, who later went on to be upset by the once mighty Maptek T-Bones. The double loss dropped the Ralphies (8-3) two games back of the Posers, while 3rd place Rusty Machine (7-4) dropped their contest to the FOP Dawgs. They now trail the Conundrums by a shocking 3 games. This leaves the Puzzle Heads (10-1) clearly in the driver’s seat for a possible league repeat. As they say in the sports cliché’ biz, “it’s theirs to lose”.

Stone’s Throw from a TWIX – Emmot, on hiatus in Kansas City, allegedly conducting “phony” business with his new CenturyLink compadres, attempts to become the first non-participating MVP Crunchoclaty recipient by instructing ‘drums’ pitching ace, Dale St. Aubin to throw another gem as the key to stifling the Ralphies. Indeed, Aubbie pitched a typical great game allowing just 6 runs. Emmot followed the game, inning by inning via the first ever streaming text messaging as communicated by Tomey’s better half, wife Holly “Teacher, Teacher” Tomey. Upon learning of the outcome, Em, sitting in a KC bar, jumped for joy (spilling his pint of Speights Pale Ale in the process), exclaiming, “a gem on my counsel, the TWIX is mine, mine, mine!” Ah but not so fast Broadband Jason. Technically Aubbie threw a “dandy”, not a “gem”. Emmot cried foul and threatened legal action, citing precedent law in Jim Dandy vs. Gem Crow” (1966). The dispute was settled out of Kangaroo Court when Tomey promised Em five pieces of M&M’s upon his return to the team next week.

“I Can Take A Ribbing As Well As The Next Guy” – in déjà vu fashion, Tomey once again gets hung out to dry when 3B coach Aubin sends “Scooter” home on a Sean Butcher single, only to be cut apart from Ralphies’ bulldog catcher known only as “Tank”. Tomey, expecting to score easily, barrels into the Tank who applies the tag while crushing the same rib cage that was shattered 8 years prior when Mark Satriano sent the battered player/coach down the river in a similar incident. Talking to reporters afterwards, Butcher was asked how the coach was feeling: “Terrible! That S.O.B. cost me an RBI…..Oh you meant Bob!”

His Hero Was Curt Gouty: Know this! Hideously deformed toes are not your friends! Influenced by the grossly misshapen toe in the J. Emmot-authored article in the 7/11 TWICS (TP will never show it again on these pages), Dan Batt worries that the self-diagnosed turf toe is actually a form of gout and hurries over to his Granby physician, Wendell Tu Boot. Dr. Tu Boot, who also acts as the town’s Court Bailiff, City Planner and Bingo Coordinator examined Dan and proclaimed the monstrous toe was indeed turf toe, not gout as feared. The good doctor did however caution Batt to lay off the bleached tripe and fried liver and stop reading the TWICS for 2-3 weeks minimum.

Layton’s Awakening: In his second straight appearance since conquering his sleeping sickness affliction, Eddie “Toss ‘n Turn” Layton puts on a masterful backstop show, chasing down not one, but two behind the plate popup snags. And if that wasn’t enough (it never seems to be), “Fast Eddie" added a 2-4 plate performance. To top it off, the man who resides in Lafayette also managed to stay awake long enough to witness the last out recorded. Yes, as we head down the stretch towards the final 5 games, “Fast Eddie” is in mid-season form. Tuck that under yer pillow!

I Don’t Always Play Ball, But When I Do…This week’s MVP crunchoclaty award goes out to Tim “Sporty” Doherty who shocks the free world with his 5-5 performance. But the clincher was Timmy’s artful leadership of the Conundrum outfield, directing players like a symphony director his orchestra, carefully barking out “Back! Back!”, “In! In!” then “Back!, no In!, I mean Ba-in!” to his mates. He so captivated his fellow outfielders that after one routine catch with nobody on, Ryan Wilcoxen asked him what base to throw to. On another sky-high fly to left, he once instructed Paul Ries to take 4 steps back, 3 steps in, do the Icky shuffle, perform 5 backward flips all while reciting the star spangled banner in the King’s English before finally catching the ball. Tim Doherty – he is the most interesting man in the outfield.

Week 9: At The Rebels

Conundrums 13
FOP Dawgs 2

Attendance: 4
Season Attendance To Date: 10

Riddlers Sack Rebs, Showdown With Ralphies Loom

MVP recipient Bob Tomey proudly accepts this week's Cruncholclaty after going 2fer2, including double, 2 runs scored and 2 RBI's to boot. After Tomey accepted the award from Bob Tomey, he broke down and cried. It was very uncomfortable.

LAKEWOOD, CO - Ray Ross Park (TP) In their first ever game away from the friendly confines of Lakewood Park Monday night, the Conundrums bats were as sizzling as the 95 degree game-time temps. Since 1998, the Conundrums/Vipers/Bombers have called the park at 6^th/Kipling “home sweet home”, but Monday night they journeyed to Ray Ross Park just a zip, zig and a zag away down yonder over and about Alameda/Harlan to decisively crush the Rebels 13-2. Named after the legendary pioneer of Lakewood stand up comedy (‘what’s the deal with harvest tomatoes anyway…”), Ray Ross Park was no laughing matter for the struggling Rebs. As has been customary during their current nine game winning streak, the Puzzler offense peppered the hapless Insurgents inning by inning until the 5^th stanza when the Radicals finally displayed their white flag thus ending the euthanasia affair. Dale “Stinky Finger” St. Aubin hurled another gem, blanking the Rebs for 4 and 2/3 innings until an errant throw from 2^nd string SS Paul “I’ve got a Gun and I’m Not Afraid To Use It” Ries sailed a mere 30 feet over 1-sacker Bob Tomey’s outstretched Wilson. The extra out allowed the Rebs to break through with 2 meaningless runs before they were extinguished. The win kept the ‘drums (9-1) a half game ahead of the Ralphies (8-1) and set up their anticipated showdown next Monday, again at RRP.

Thank you, Bob! You’re welcome, Bob! - Coach Tomey ignores pleas from loyal Tom Hody Do Hodorf supporters, and accepts recommendations from the Crunchoclaty Board of Electors (Tomey’s the only member) to award this week’s Crunchoclaty Award to….Bob Tomey. In scandalous fashion, coach Bob takes home his first MVP since June 2008 despite Hody’s 2fer2 and one Sac Fly, two dazzling 5^th inning catches in unfamiliar left field territory and promise to all Conundrums and their families for a 90% discount on all Handy-Hody in-home services. With caramel cookie crumbs dripping childishly from his chin, Tomey responded defiantly to criticism that the decision was self-serving: “Possession is 9/10ths of the Conundrum bylaws…now will somebody please bring me a napkin!” No statement was forthcoming from the Hody camp except to say he’s being forced out of the handyman business.

Aunt Swanny, is that you? Eric “Rubber Arm” Swanson’s 2nd base throw to 1B in the 2^nd frame literally floats over to an out-stretched Tomey, and beats Rebels’ slowest runner by a photo-finish hair. The feeble toss by Wisconsin’s favorite gouda incited several catcalls from the Conundrum outfield, including Ryan Wilcoxen who demanded to know why Swanson’s aunt Hester was allowed on the team. Tomey, pushing 51 and as brittle as petrified wood nearly pulled a hammy in the process. To reassure his detractors, Swanny vowed to start pumping 2 ounce weights going forward.

Pity For The Rebels? With the Conundrums clearly in control, St Aubin pulls a Mark Satriano and hints at letting up on the inept Rebels. To prove the point, the Riddler mound ace lobbies hard for former #1 pitcher Sean “Head Janitor” Butcher to relieve him on the hill. Butcher, who hasn’t pitched a game since 2010, declines, growling he’s not performing “mop-up work”, but adds hopefully: “if you need someone to underhand the ball, who better than Swanny?”. Editors Note: TWICS Pubs regrets the slanderous venom flung Swan Song’s way in this week’s edition, and will do everything to discourage such taunts in the future.

Score Me Some Barbs, Bro: Looking refreshed, Eddie “No-Doze” Layton fights off Sunday night sleep demons, making just his 3^rd appearance of the season. Asked how he was able to overcome his infamous sleep apnea, the son of a German chocolate cake baker responded cheerily: “one word: prescription drugs”. TWICS Pubs goes on record as stating that while the pills appear to hamper right brain activity associated with mathematical skills, there’s no denying he’s back in full force. The Conundrum catcher’s catlike scampers to the backstop were vigorous, the throws back to St Aubbie were purposeful and to top it off, “Medicated” Eddie notched his first hit of the season, thus raising his BA an astounding 200 points. Keep it up, Eddie! A special TWICS cudos to Eddie’s pharmacist, who we also congratulate for successfully fighting off 3 illegal drug laundering suits in the last 10 years!

Funny Guy, Brubey: Monday’s game produced a desperately needed shot in the arm to the Conundrum’s pitiful season attendance totals. The game’s virtual turnstile was busy this steamy evening as 4 patrons were on hand to witness the game, the second largest crowd this year. Attendance could have been larger but Conundrum leadoff hitter Dave “Sundance” Brubaker’s promise to recruit an additional 3.25 fans proved as shallow as it was empty. Brubey, admirer in his own right of Robert Redford films, arrived to the park empty handed. He later admitted there was no crew, no entourage, nothing. He fabricated the whole sick, twisted sham for his own personal glee. When nobody laughed at the prank, Diamond Dave was taken aback. “Sheesh, you’d think that I committed crimes against humanity.” Don’t mess with attendance, Dave. Don’t mess with attendance.
Injury Report: Turf Toe Dan Batt – out indefinitely – Breaking News from Batt’s Granby retreat: Dan’s turf toe recovery has been complicated by the gangrene infection taking center stage in the Water Treatment guru’s battle back to health (see TWICS, posted 7/11/11). The infection allegedly developed when Batt treated the turf toe wound with a can of WD-40. “I panicked”, said Dan from his bedroom compound. “I thought it was a bottle of bactine. Oh well, next time I’ll know.”

Week 8: Double-Header

Game 1:
Classic Metals 3
Conundrums 13

Game 2:
Conundrums 13
FOP Dawgs 11

Attendance: 0 (again)
Season Attendance To Date: 6

Puzzlers Claim a Pair

Run Win Streak to 8; Remain in 1st Place

Butcher winning his first Crunchchocolaty of the night. Nothing goes better with a TWIX than a PBR.


Sean claims TWIX number 2 on the night. Like a shark on blood, once Butcher tasted that sweet, sweet chocolate (with carmel and cookie center) nothing could stop him from winning another.

Lakewood, CO (TP) – All four games were played at Lakewood Park on Monday night, in what has been hailed as the first sound decision made by the Lakewood Parks and Rec department in over 27 years. Citing a carve out of the Force Majure clause in the team’s registration agreement, League Coordinator Chris “We have Nice Toilets” Lucas, insisted that the show must go on despite the danger of severe weather, lest the city be held liable for intentional contractual breach.

Nothing could budge the steely Lucas from achieving his objective. Not the threatening rainclouds hovering over the foothills like a leviathan ready to devour (or at least spit upon) its prey. Not the heavy precipitation that clearly rolled through the park earlier in the day. The waterlogged outfield complete with 12 inches of unmowed turf, and the muddy infield best suited for a swine sty, were summarily dismissed as inconsequential. Thus, the games were commenced, completed, and decided in spectacular fashion.

Game 1 vs Classic Metals: Had you told the team in advance that Sean Butcher would be the “MVP” of the game, it would have been assumed that the Conundrums lost in astonishing style. However, the Puzzlers effortlessly dismissed the last place metal workers 13-3 in a 5 inning contest. Aside from Butcher’s exploits at the plate, and Eric “Water Board” Swanson’s Holy (errr…holey) glove, nothing occurred during the contest to justify this author taking the time to document.

Game 2 @ FOP Dawgs: Had you told the team in advance that Sean Butcher would be the “MVP” of BOTH games, it would have been assumed that the remainder of the team was killed in a disastrous airplane crash, or had been inflicted with Layton Disease (Acute Alternating Narcoleptic Insomniatic Disorder). Nevertheless, the Puzzlers rallied late at the plate, and held tough defensively in the bottom of the 7th inning, to claim the nightcap 13-11. Thanks to his 3-3 performance (2 singles and a double?!?...are you kidding me?) the team has labeled Sean “Mr. July 11”. The team looks forward to the 2016 season to see if Sean can live up to his moniker.

The Motorvator: Citing a long held distrust for the men in blue, roving outfielder and #6 hitter Ryan goes on a near-criminal rampage during the nightcap against the Fraternal Order of Police Dawgs. Accusations of assault, slander, disorderly conduct, public exposure, pubic exposure, failure to wash hands, utilization of teammate as beer screen, ineffective chatter, deficient pronunciation, utilization of a glass container at a public park, wearing of nonstandard head coverings, possession of an unlicensed jet pack, and defamation (thankfully not defecation) were leveled by one, or more, onlookers. Ryan made amends by sheepishly apologizing to FOP Dawgs players, Conundrum teammates, and Chris “Our Restrooms also have Nice Sinks” Lucas before departing the complex.

Thankfully, Ryan also has a long running hatred for Rebels (next week’s opponent), which team brass expects will result in angelic-like attitude from Mr. Wilky during the July 18 contest.

Injury Report:
“Fast” Eddie Layton: Zzzzzzzzzzz mmmph zzzzzzzzzzzzz (snort)

Dan Batt: Turf Toe or some other made-up ailment.

* - May, or may not, be Dan's actual toe

Next Game:
Monday July 18 (6:15pm)
Ray Ross Park Field 1 (they have nice toilets with sinks)


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