5/18/09
‘Drums Win Seven Inning Game in One Inning; Solidify Hold on 3rd Place
Conundrums 21
(at) Maptek T-Bones 4
Attendance = 1
LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – The Conundrums batted around, blasting 13 runs before surrendering their first out Monday night, eventually beating mining software conglomerate Maptek 21-4 in a mercy-ruled softball “contest” at Lakewood Park. Despite their apparent economic, educational, and hygienic advantages, the software boys dug their own Bingham Canyon, as the Puzzler’s massive 1st stanza proved to be more than enough to secure their 3rd victory of the season.
Scab: Emmot assumes coaching & TWICS duties on behalf of vacationing Tomey, as “highly unusual” line-up results in offensive fire-power not witnessed since the onset of Operation Desert Storm; defense only bested by the last gal Butcher tried to pick up at the local Olive Garden. Emmot runs his record to 5-0 as interim manager, and 0-5 as interim TWICS writer.
MIA: Manager/Statistician/TWICSter Tomey and Speedster/Outfielder Wilcoxen both absent due to “work-related” travel obligations. Team finds mutual travel schedule suspicious, hires Dick Tracy wannabe “Caliber P.I.” (Magnum’s little brother) to check up on traveling duo. Caliber reports: “Subjects last seen boarding Apple Fun Jet en route to Caribbean island of Curacao, rubbing tanning oil on shirtless backs and sipping strawberry daiquiris in airport lounge. All passengers in good spirits…smiles and pearl necklaces all around.”
MIA Too: TWICS’s favorite son, Pat Sullivan, remains on voluntary unpaid administrative leave due to pressure received by the Internal Revenue Service. IRS Commish Douglas Shulman has vowed to garnish all softball-related earnings as retribution for Sullivan’s failure to timely file client’s taxes. Said Sully, “It not my fault. I’m 99% certain the tax filings were stolen by the same person that nicked my Conundrum’s jersey”.
Shoegate 2009: A frantic Tom arrives to field with only one shoe. Missing shoe later found on the foot of team clepto Tim Doherty. Doherty cracks under extensive interrogation by FOP Dawgs. Claims size 11, left-footed Nike looked and felt exactly like a size 9, right-footed Mizuno. Authorities not convinced, still mulling charges ranging from 1st Degree Burglary to 2nd Degree Bungledry.
Salami: Trying to impress team’s only fan (which he brought to the game), new guy Paul smacks first grand-slam of the year. Game winning hit, Game winning RBI, Wilcoxen-like defense, ticket selling acumen, and yellow socks enough to secure big-hitter his first ever Crunchchocolaty Award. Paul requests TWIX bar is presented in private ceremony, says award not safe in the presence of Doherty.
Pitching Dual: 1B/P/Clean-up Hitter Dale St.Aubin lays claim to pitching supremacy, throws a no-hit last inning in relief of Butcher, matching his no-hit game at the plate. Said Eric, “If Batting Average is directly proportional to Earned Run Average, I bet Tom would be our best pitcher.”
Accolades: In recognition of last night’s Maptek mauling, the Federal Government has proclaimed next Monday to be Memorial Day, and has awarded the Conundrum’s with a much-needed mid-season bye. In support of our long-standing Manners Policy, please send your Congressman a personalized thank you note.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Where Are They Now - Brian Richie (2003-2007)
6 Questions With a Conundrum Alum
Although it’s been said many times, many ways, it bears repeating: Brian Richie’s unorthodox style at 1B was oftentimes entertaining, mostly exciting, and in some cases he actually held onto the ball. From 2003 through 2007, Richie paraded around 1B, daring anyone to challenge his career .422 fielding percentage, dug his heels in at the batter’s box with that menacing glare toward the mound, touting that .424 BA without an ounce of self-consciousness. Although Brian never did master the art of the backhand catch (the team sent him to multiple catching clinics, even spent the off-season with the Foster Elementary 5th grade gym class), there was nobody who was more confident about his average abilities. Nary had a game gone by when the Hooperville, OK native didn’t chew on the coach’s ear about another coat of baby oil in his precious mitt, or the countless hours spent in the cages perfecting that dismissive batting stance. “Hey skip, want to see my new swing?” (He had so many), “I think I’m gonna go 4fer 4 tonight”. But after four years of giving the team the best years of his life, Richie realized he was not a visionary. Literally. One clear, cool, yet sweltering evening, late in the 2007 season, after failing his routine eye exam, Mr. Richie alarmed his teammates, arriving at the park with a Guide Dog! Suddenly those 3.1 drops per game – 5 in one inning, a record to this day – made a lot more sense. When the season came to an end, sadly so too did the lackluster career of Brian Richie. Many of us at TWICS Publications and the team look forward to honoring the one-time Conundrum on “Brian Richie Day” slated for May 9, 2023.
In the meantime, we caught up with Richie for our next “Where Are They Now” segment, outside the Grand Opening of the Vitamin Cottage store in southeast Westminster and played 20 questions minus 14 with the former Conundrum. Almost two years removed from his playing days with the ?-Markers, Richie reveals his self-delusional heroics on the diamond, a previously unknown man-crush on legendary Mark Satriano, and shares workout tips with his primary love as a fitness pro/amateur. The same trademark ego-centrism that underscored his career on the diamond is still prevalent and confirms to any doubters Brian Richie is alive and well.
TWICS Staff: So Brian, what do you think of the new web site?
Brian: It's different from the old web site? I guess I never noticed, good pics of Satriano's legs though. Yowsie!! I always had a thing for wiry bus drivers. I’m just kidding, Mark! Seriously. I’m a happily married man, for crying out loud! (Is Mark going to be reading this?)
T: What have you been up to since leaving the Conundrums?
B: Well I'm trying to make a comeback, I’ve been working out with the Foster kids, coach says I should crack the starting lineup anytime now. if I could just see out of my left eye and play better than I did when I actually played (although c’mon, it’s tough to improve a quality product, am I right? Heh, heh). But right now I’m just waiting until a roster spot opens up at designated bench warmer and assistant to Bob. Butcher fills that need currently, so who knows when I’ll get my shot.
T: What is your best memory of the team?
B: Well I would have to say the heroics of myself. [Pauses 5 minutes, appears to be taking in the moment]. I always felt like I was unstoppable. I figured the only thing that would get in my way was that fence when Eddie did his face plant. That was gruesome, but you know Eddie and me, we carried the bottom of the lineup, I finally figured out why we were called the Rockbottom twins. Mostly, I remember the good times seeing you goofballs on a weekly basis. Priceless.
T: What’s your favorite workout tip?
B: Don't do whatever Satriano or Tomey do as they always seem to be whining about some phantom injury to their backs or legs or something. It seemed like every week we had to listen to the same thing over and over with those knuckleheads. Seriously, I’ve never met anybody as self-absorbed as those dudes. They’re not like Eddie – that guy runs through fences, people bats or whatever and comes back ready the next week without ever complaining or missing time. Yep, Eddie’s a cool guy (will he be reading this?)
T: Jay Cutler 2009: Stud or Dud?
B: Tough question for me as I traded away my entire season last year during fantasy football for the doofus. Now I have to choose from Orton or Simms as my starting QB. Shouldn’t stop me from running the table, you know I’m the king of fantasy football. Hey, is it too late to get back Brees?
T: Wild Hogs or Easy Rider?
B: Are you kidding me? Wild Hogs has borderline gay adventures and bird in the face while Easy Rider was considered an all time classic, so my pick would be Wild Hogs of course.
Well if gay adventures suit your fancy, who are we to judge? Not that there's anything wrong with that! Thanks Brian for taking time from your new lifestyle to chat with us. Oh, and don’t call the Conundrums, we’ll…uh, well you know…
Although it’s been said many times, many ways, it bears repeating: Brian Richie’s unorthodox style at 1B was oftentimes entertaining, mostly exciting, and in some cases he actually held onto the ball. From 2003 through 2007, Richie paraded around 1B, daring anyone to challenge his career .422 fielding percentage, dug his heels in at the batter’s box with that menacing glare toward the mound, touting that .424 BA without an ounce of self-consciousness. Although Brian never did master the art of the backhand catch (the team sent him to multiple catching clinics, even spent the off-season with the Foster Elementary 5th grade gym class), there was nobody who was more confident about his average abilities. Nary had a game gone by when the Hooperville, OK native didn’t chew on the coach’s ear about another coat of baby oil in his precious mitt, or the countless hours spent in the cages perfecting that dismissive batting stance. “Hey skip, want to see my new swing?” (He had so many), “I think I’m gonna go 4fer 4 tonight”. But after four years of giving the team the best years of his life, Richie realized he was not a visionary. Literally. One clear, cool, yet sweltering evening, late in the 2007 season, after failing his routine eye exam, Mr. Richie alarmed his teammates, arriving at the park with a Guide Dog! Suddenly those 3.1 drops per game – 5 in one inning, a record to this day – made a lot more sense. When the season came to an end, sadly so too did the lackluster career of Brian Richie. Many of us at TWICS Publications and the team look forward to honoring the one-time Conundrum on “Brian Richie Day” slated for May 9, 2023.
In the meantime, we caught up with Richie for our next “Where Are They Now” segment, outside the Grand Opening of the Vitamin Cottage store in southeast Westminster and played 20 questions minus 14 with the former Conundrum. Almost two years removed from his playing days with the ?-Markers, Richie reveals his self-delusional heroics on the diamond, a previously unknown man-crush on legendary Mark Satriano, and shares workout tips with his primary love as a fitness pro/amateur. The same trademark ego-centrism that underscored his career on the diamond is still prevalent and confirms to any doubters Brian Richie is alive and well.
TWICS Staff: So Brian, what do you think of the new web site?
Brian: It's different from the old web site? I guess I never noticed, good pics of Satriano's legs though. Yowsie!! I always had a thing for wiry bus drivers. I’m just kidding, Mark! Seriously. I’m a happily married man, for crying out loud! (Is Mark going to be reading this?)
T: What have you been up to since leaving the Conundrums?
B: Well I'm trying to make a comeback, I’ve been working out with the Foster kids, coach says I should crack the starting lineup anytime now. if I could just see out of my left eye and play better than I did when I actually played (although c’mon, it’s tough to improve a quality product, am I right? Heh, heh). But right now I’m just waiting until a roster spot opens up at designated bench warmer and assistant to Bob. Butcher fills that need currently, so who knows when I’ll get my shot.
T: What is your best memory of the team?
B: Well I would have to say the heroics of myself. [Pauses 5 minutes, appears to be taking in the moment]. I always felt like I was unstoppable. I figured the only thing that would get in my way was that fence when Eddie did his face plant. That was gruesome, but you know Eddie and me, we carried the bottom of the lineup, I finally figured out why we were called the Rockbottom twins. Mostly, I remember the good times seeing you goofballs on a weekly basis. Priceless.
T: What’s your favorite workout tip?
B: Don't do whatever Satriano or Tomey do as they always seem to be whining about some phantom injury to their backs or legs or something. It seemed like every week we had to listen to the same thing over and over with those knuckleheads. Seriously, I’ve never met anybody as self-absorbed as those dudes. They’re not like Eddie – that guy runs through fences, people bats or whatever and comes back ready the next week without ever complaining or missing time. Yep, Eddie’s a cool guy (will he be reading this?)
T: Jay Cutler 2009: Stud or Dud?
B: Tough question for me as I traded away my entire season last year during fantasy football for the doofus. Now I have to choose from Orton or Simms as my starting QB. Shouldn’t stop me from running the table, you know I’m the king of fantasy football. Hey, is it too late to get back Brees?
T: Wild Hogs or Easy Rider?
B: Are you kidding me? Wild Hogs has borderline gay adventures and bird in the face while Easy Rider was considered an all time classic, so my pick would be Wild Hogs of course.
Well if gay adventures suit your fancy, who are we to judge? Not that there's anything wrong with that! Thanks Brian for taking time from your new lifestyle to chat with us. Oh, and don’t call the Conundrums, we’ll…uh, well you know…
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Week 3 @ Crush
5/11/09
?-Markers Deliver Crushing Blow, Handyman, Bachelor Lead Charge in 18-3 Laugher
Conundrums 18
(at) Crush 3
Attendance = 2
TWICS Publications - LAKEWOOD, CO
?-Markers Deliver Crushing Blow, Handyman, Bachelor Lead Charge in 18-3 Laugher
Conundrums 18
(at) Crush 3
Attendance = 2
TWICS Publications - LAKEWOOD, CO
- Should winless Crush change name to “Crushed”?, Conundrums 18-run attack lends credence to notion as game finally ends in 6 inning abbreviated mercy killing.
- Handyman ends early season drought, breaks on through to other side, 3fer4 performance climaxed by 6th inning bases-clearing twiple (used by permission from Elmer Fudd), game halted in 1st to allow Hody curtain call, tip of the cap to standing ovation from Mysterians’ bench, brief scuffle ensues after Tom attempts to keep game ball as keepsake
- Rested St. Aubbie takes home 1st ever Crunchoclaty, smacks record four 2-baggers, Couch Potato shrugs off appeals for post game celebration, vows to fraternize more after end of TV season finales, although new “Million Dollar Password” supposed to be top notch (“Regis is super-cool!”)
- “Whooping Cough” Satriano calls in sick, St. Aubie reportedly outraged, claims Satriano plagiarizing “Call-In Sick Excuse” #22, the old scratchy throat/stuffy nose alibi, Sats offers truce, says he’ll share patented gardening secrets, how to grow basil & radishes side by side in peaceful coexistence
- In yet another shameful tale of Wall Street vs. Main Street, beer snobs, Doherty/Layton flash high class Heinekens at rest of team, forced by hard economic times into drinking PBR’s, Coors Lights; Dan Batt, Working Class Bud Light Poster Child, goes so far to insinuate Timmy/Eddie next Ponzi schemers
- Quote of the Week: “I have a small brain”, Cerebral Layton to Sean Butcher, context of conversation unknown but TWICS Pubs rules out statement in reference to Eddie thinking with Mr. Happy (we’re pretty sure)
- Talks with the Conundrum formerly known as Sully continue, Conundrums’ Special Envoy “Ambassador Butcher” reportedly close to signing deal that brings Sullen One back to team, primary roadblock is club’s refusal to cease shaming Sully in weekly notes, TWICS spokesperson for Dept. of Humiliation, citing 1st Amendment protection says “no deal, we debase whom we want, when we want”, adding “besides he’s our best customer!”
- Feels Like He’s Already Back – Emmot smacks long single off fence, instead of sprinting around bases, takes leisurely saunter to 1B, later reveals that the Spirit of Sully was within him, “I felt like I had no control over my legs, I felt this uncontrollable hatred for the government, but mostly I just wanted to get down to Texas as fast as possible”; Leading Sully Exorcists immediately summoned, pray for Jason
- Smashing 2nd HR in as many weeks, Babe Swanson poised to join ranks of slugging behemoths Emmot/Aubin, team’s traditional round-tripping monopolists, Swanny points to offseason training regimen as secret to success, decides against entering 2009 Iron Man FitExpo after mom reminds him of allergy to tanning/posing oil
- Final Swan: Turning cheers to jeers, Swanny displays questionable judgment by devouring post-game juicy brat in front of famished/hostile mates, declines to share, explaining he needs all the schlonger he can mustard, er muster
- Fan-O-Meter – Paid Attendance = 2, Season total to date = 5. This time last year, minus 2.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Week 2 vs. F.O.P. Dawgs
Who Let the Dawgs Out? Coppers Cite Conundrums for Hitting W/O License (5/4/09)
F.O.P. Dawgs 9
Conundrums 7
Attendance = 1
TWICS Publications
· Shut out of ’08 Tourney, Dawgs Even Score with ‘drums, late inning rally falls short after dramatic Batty Dann Liner falls safely in Sgt. O’Malley’s grimy mitt
· 3 week soggy field layoff water logs Puzzler sticks, sleepy offense - minus Aubin/Sats firepower - finally roused from slumber in 7th stanza - too little, too late, too bad.
· Eyes Bigger than their Gut – Busy in the Conundrum kitchen, sensing the carnivore in all Dawgs, veteran mound craftsman Butcher forces 5+ HR outs, serves up classic “Meatball Hurl” to salivating hungry Fuzz - Sean “The Chef” looks good in apron
· Did I St-t-t-tutter? – No sooner did coach shriek, “Keep it in the park!” when eager rookie Ries clears center field fence, marking 2nd time in as many games young ‘un defies skip instruction – incident reminiscent of similar scene 2 year prior, same coach admonishes veteran Satriano, “don’t hit into a DP”, outcome predictable, wistful coach left muttering “what we have here is a failure to communicate”
· This Week’s Special Report Filed by TWICS Correspondent, Sean Butcher: Hot off the wire: Bob(Stop), Write about Dan’s exploding calves(Stop) [end of report filed]. Editor’s Note: This might possibly be worst report ever filed in history of TWICS/TWIVS/TWIBS
· Hitless in Lakewood – Hody Doe, off to slow start, thanks in part due to “out of box” batting error, begs for TWICS mercy, asks Pubs stop presses this week only – editor weighs player’s street reputation vs. lost TWIC circulation, guess what decision is
· Holy Hody! – Friends note good thing Tom not shooting same blanks at home as on playing field…yikes!
· Sully Sighting – Still at large, Libertarian Sully facebooks Butcher, interrupting mound hurler’s weekly Saturday night bubble bath, takes opportunity to bash team for playing “sissy” game, real man’s game on tennis court, where one records shutout by yelling “40-Love”
· Ravishing Roger Clemens status, “I play when I want, where I want” Satriano missed on this semi-late ballgame, Mark reportedly curled in front of fire, wrapped in $19.99 Snuggy, donning old sweats (allegedly hasn’t seen washing machine in 60+ days), reading “History of Marxism”(Bolshevik Press, 89th Printing), in general having ducky time in semi-retirement
· Citing frigid Monday night 60deg temps, St. Aubie calls in sick, suspects infection by H1N1, formerly known as dreaded Emwa Virus, doc prescribes rest, relaxation and The Bachelor – Complete DVD Set as best remedy for recovery
· 1st career dinger as a Q-Marker clinches MVP, nevertheless coach frowns upon “Swan Lake Eric”, breaks unwritten code, devouring crunchoclaty in presence of mates, reminds impulsive 3rd year player “you never eat yer twix,
when you’re sitting in the bleachers,
there’ll be plenty of time for chewing,
when the playing’s done" 
· “Old Man” Tomey’s ‘09 debut shaky, can’t find 1B on Backstopper Layton toss, “Master of Blame Game” claims base was moved by sly FOP 1Bagger inning before – “it’s the oldest trick in the book”. Of course.
· Fan O-Meter – Tonight’s attendance (includes “Paid” and guests of club) = 1. 2009 Attendance to Date = 3 (thanks to “Turnstile” Emmot for taking time from busy schedule to record data)
F.O.P. Dawgs 9
Conundrums 7
Attendance = 1
TWICS Publications
· Shut out of ’08 Tourney, Dawgs Even Score with ‘drums, late inning rally falls short after dramatic Batty Dann Liner falls safely in Sgt. O’Malley’s grimy mitt
· 3 week soggy field layoff water logs Puzzler sticks, sleepy offense - minus Aubin/Sats firepower - finally roused from slumber in 7th stanza - too little, too late, too bad.
· Eyes Bigger than their Gut – Busy in the Conundrum kitchen, sensing the carnivore in all Dawgs, veteran mound craftsman Butcher forces 5+ HR outs, serves up classic “Meatball Hurl” to salivating hungry Fuzz - Sean “The Chef” looks good in apron
· Did I St-t-t-tutter? – No sooner did coach shriek, “Keep it in the park!” when eager rookie Ries clears center field fence, marking 2nd time in as many games young ‘un defies skip instruction – incident reminiscent of similar scene 2 year prior, same coach admonishes veteran Satriano, “don’t hit into a DP”, outcome predictable, wistful coach left muttering “what we have here is a failure to communicate”
· This Week’s Special Report Filed by TWICS Correspondent, Sean Butcher: Hot off the wire: Bob(Stop), Write about Dan’s exploding calves(Stop) [end of report filed]. Editor’s Note: This might possibly be worst report ever filed in history of TWICS/TWIVS/TWIBS
· Hitless in Lakewood – Hody Doe, off to slow start, thanks in part due to “out of box” batting error, begs for TWICS mercy, asks Pubs stop presses this week only – editor weighs player’s street reputation vs. lost TWIC circulation, guess what decision is
· Holy Hody! – Friends note good thing Tom not shooting same blanks at home as on playing field…yikes!
· Sully Sighting – Still at large, Libertarian Sully facebooks Butcher, interrupting mound hurler’s weekly Saturday night bubble bath, takes opportunity to bash team for playing “sissy” game, real man’s game on tennis court, where one records shutout by yelling “40-Love”
· Ravishing Roger Clemens status, “I play when I want, where I want” Satriano missed on this semi-late ballgame, Mark reportedly curled in front of fire, wrapped in $19.99 Snuggy, donning old sweats (allegedly hasn’t seen washing machine in 60+ days), reading “History of Marxism”(Bolshevik Press, 89th Printing), in general having ducky time in semi-retirement
· Citing frigid Monday night 60deg temps, St. Aubie calls in sick, suspects infection by H1N1, formerly known as dreaded Emwa Virus, doc prescribes rest, relaxation and The Bachelor – Complete DVD Set as best remedy for recovery
· 1st career dinger as a Q-Marker clinches MVP, nevertheless coach frowns upon “Swan Lake Eric”, breaks unwritten code, devouring crunchoclaty in presence of mates, reminds impulsive 3rd year player “you never eat yer twix,
when you’re sitting in the bleachers,
there’ll be plenty of time for chewing,
when the playing’s done" 
· “Old Man” Tomey’s ‘09 debut shaky, can’t find 1B on Backstopper Layton toss, “Master of Blame Game” claims base was moved by sly FOP 1Bagger inning before – “it’s the oldest trick in the book”. Of course.
· Fan O-Meter – Tonight’s attendance (includes “Paid” and guests of club) = 1. 2009 Attendance to Date = 3 (thanks to “Turnstile” Emmot for taking time from busy schedule to record data)
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