Week 4 @ Maptek

5/18/09

‘Drums Win Seven Inning Game in One Inning; Solidify Hold on 3rd Place

Conundrums 21
(at) Maptek T-Bones 4
Attendance = 1

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – The Conundrums batted around, blasting 13 runs before surrendering their first out Monday night, eventually beating mining software conglomerate Maptek 21-4 in a mercy-ruled softball “contest” at Lakewood Park. Despite their apparent economic, educational, and hygienic advantages, the software boys dug their own Bingham Canyon, as the Puzzler’s massive 1st stanza proved to be more than enough to secure their 3rd victory of the season.

Scab: Emmot assumes coaching & TWICS duties on behalf of vacationing Tomey, as “highly unusual” line-up results in offensive fire-power not witnessed since the onset of Operation Desert Storm; defense only bested by the last gal Butcher tried to pick up at the local Olive Garden. Emmot runs his record to 5-0 as interim manager, and 0-5 as interim TWICS writer.

MIA: Manager/Statistician/TWICSter Tomey and Speedster/Outfielder Wilcoxen both absent due to “work-related” travel obligations. Team finds mutual travel schedule suspicious, hires Dick Tracy wannabe “Caliber P.I.” (Magnum’s little brother) to check up on traveling duo. Caliber reports: “Subjects last seen boarding Apple Fun Jet en route to Caribbean island of Curacao, rubbing tanning oil on shirtless backs and sipping strawberry daiquiris in airport lounge. All passengers in good spirits…smiles and pearl necklaces all around.”

MIA Too: TWICS’s favorite son, Pat Sullivan, remains on voluntary unpaid administrative leave due to pressure received by the Internal Revenue Service. IRS Commish Douglas Shulman has vowed to garnish all softball-related earnings as retribution for Sullivan’s failure to timely file client’s taxes. Said Sully, “It not my fault. I’m 99% certain the tax filings were stolen by the same person that nicked my Conundrum’s jersey”.

Shoegate 2009: A frantic Tom arrives to field with only one shoe. Missing shoe later found on the foot of team clepto Tim Doherty. Doherty cracks under extensive interrogation by FOP Dawgs. Claims size 11, left-footed Nike looked and felt exactly like a size 9, right-footed Mizuno. Authorities not convinced, still mulling charges ranging from 1st Degree Burglary to 2nd Degree Bungledry.

Salami: Trying to impress team’s only fan (which he brought to the game), new guy Paul smacks first grand-slam of the year. Game winning hit, Game winning RBI, Wilcoxen-like defense, ticket selling acumen, and yellow socks enough to secure big-hitter his first ever Crunchchocolaty Award. Paul requests TWIX bar is presented in private ceremony, says award not safe in the presence of Doherty.

Pitching Dual: 1B/P/Clean-up Hitter Dale St.Aubin lays claim to pitching supremacy, throws a no-hit last inning in relief of Butcher, matching his no-hit game at the plate. Said Eric, “If Batting Average is directly proportional to Earned Run Average, I bet Tom would be our best pitcher.”

Accolades: In recognition of last night’s Maptek mauling, the Federal Government has proclaimed next Monday to be Memorial Day, and has awarded the Conundrum’s with a much-needed mid-season bye. In support of our long-standing Manners Policy, please send your Congressman a personalized thank you note.