‘Drums Outlast Clawing Tigers, Weather in 12-9 Moisture-Laden Eeker – Hodorff Blast Sets Stage For Record Combined HR-O’s
Conundrums 12
(at) Tigers 9
Attendance = 0
Season Attendance To Date = 6
LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – On rain-soaked evening, Kitty Kats nearly dampen ‘drum spirits, take Mystery Boys to hilt, come close to upsetting heavily favored Conundrums, solid “D” down stretch saves team from humiliation, disappointment, coach’s ire, reminding all these aren’t your father’s Tigers.
Vitamin C Softballs: Unknown Tiger hitter in 1st stanza begins long ball journey with 2 run shot, answered in 2nd frame by Tom “I have nothing to prove, but geez I better hit better soon” Hodorff with 3-run bomb, each team then wastes 4 more HR-O’s in record fashion, causing conspiracy pundits to resurrect juicy, er juiced ball charges. If proven, will Minute Maid attempt to package? Don’t laugh, stranger occurrences happen. Retract that – intent of story is to invoke laughter, our apologies.
Handy Over Butch By Hair: Despite Seanster’s 3fer4, 2 ribbie plate production, handcuffing Tiger swatters with 6-seam slowball, coach gives photo finish MVP nod to Tom Hody Doe, thanks to Handyman’s first career 4-bagger as Conundrum, catapults Wizz Con Sinner to coveted Crunchoclaty, breaking early season funk, prompts GM Butchy to rescind trade offer to Maptek for spyware to be named later
Wrong Club?: Staying hot at plate, Fast Eddie Layton quietly records another MVP worthy night, proving to all naysayers who say nay, that ’08 season no flukey – asked how it feels to be bona fide member of .600 Club, “Evangelical” Eddie quips, “Fantastic! I got to meet Pat Robertson, it was quite a hymnal experience.”
Goo Goo Ga K’Choob:14 month old St. Aubin Jr., becomes team’s youngest ever bench coach, barking words of encouragement to ‘drum fielders from comfort of state of art Strap ‘n Go stroller, things get testy when normally composed Butcher takes exception to “waa, aahhhh, googoo” remarks apparently directed towards mound, goes toe to toe with Little Aubbie, finally separated after Junior’s drool too much for Sean to absorb.
Nepotistics 101: 5th inning drama unfolds when LF’er Emwa throws perfect letter high strike to 3Ber Ries, apparently nullifying Tiger base advance, but ump blows call resulting in futile protests from Conundrummers, foul play suspected when after game Tiger Captain overheard saying to adjudicator, “gee Dad, you called a great game tonight”
Caught Between Rock and 1st Base: Timmy Doherty keeps 7th inning rally alive, cleverly sets Meow Trap, decoys beastlies into mucked up rundown, allows speedster Ries to race home safely, Tiger comedy of errors matched only by Conundrum’s own diamond jocularities, too numerous to document herein.
Estranged Conundrum Report: Mark/Tony Satriano breaches part-time contract, takes proverbial “my lawyer will call your lawyer” posture; Patrick Sullivan continues to decline offer for full employment, citing poor hygiene (can’t find razor), declining health (let me count the eye bags); Dave Brubaker still on assignment in Albuquerque, sends regards, coach turns down requests to feed goldfish, forward mail
Riding The Storm Out: Waiting for downpour to subside, Noah’s Ark to arrive, long after Lakewood lights extinguished, Messrs. Butcher, Emmot, Tomey, Wilky take refuge in visitor’s dugout, Butcher reminisces days as ‘80s stagehand, alleges footage of U2’s 1987 “Rattle ‘n Hum” film at McNichols shows young Sean rockin' in front row, blurred footage of Irish Groupie inconclusive - ‘drums’ pitcher remains steadfast, claims bootleg version of “Sean’s Zagruder Film” shows Bono slow-dancing with Butch to “With Or Without You”
Fan-O-Meter Watch: Team records smallest crowd to date, ticket turnstile fails to move, officials blame zero turnout on inclement weather, unappealing game matchup, and Jonas Bros. concert going on at nearby Lakewood Cultural Center.*
* Jonas crack, used by permission, courtesy of Holly Tomey Gaffes, Ltd.
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