Week 7 @ Rusty Machine

6/15/09
Conundrums 23
(at) Rusty Machine 20
Attendance = 0
Year to Date = 7

Throw-Back Night Thrilla! 8 Not Enough For Rusty, Wilky-Led Puzzlers Fend Off Short Handed Machine in Game for the Ages

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – Rainy Days on Mondays never bring ‘drums down, epic battle of softball behomoths goes down to soggy wire, Mystery Boys hold off short-handed Rusty siege in yet another clash of Titans between storied rivals, Machine’s last desperate gasp to storm Puzzler castle finally repelled after Wilky chases down soaring liner to put last nail in Rusty coffin, win moves Puzzlers into 2nd place.

What’s All The Buzz About?: Despite massive offensive in first 2 innings, Conundrums see leads of 5-0 in 1st, 12-3 in 2nd evaporate as Rustys counter with hornet-like stinging time and again - 7 run burst in 4th finally catapults RM to 19-16 lead, seemingly taking control of contest over frustrated Hum-drummers, but behold! Mysterians somehow, someway corral one last assault with 6-run rally in game-shortened 5th inning, thus delivering final KO blow, silencing Machine’s furious buzz once and for all

1st Down and Ryan To Go: Rising from ashes, “Phoenix” Wilcoxen breaks out of batting funk, resuscitating badly needed hitting, racks up 4-4 plate perfection, smacks 1st round tripper since fall of Berlin Wall, earns 1st ever Crunchoclaty, 1st Coach’s MVP since (gulp!) game 2 2007, mates send Wilky out for game ending curtain call, tearful Ryan tips cap to empty bleachers, thanks invisible fans for support through difficult times, hoisting cookie crunch prize in air, proclaiming emotionally, “this one’s for you!”

Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Time for Nervous Breakdown Normally cool as a Kirby cucumber, resilient in manner, “Rock of Gilbraltar” Butcher, unaccustomed to being manhandled mercilessly by opposition, finally cracks before final frame, refuses to take hill, quick thinking coach recalls child psychology courses while studying at Ziegmund U., coaxes Butch out of fetal position, implores Sean with oxymoron “win one for the Gripper”, son of a Spartan Hater finally snaps out of it when coach threatens to take away Hooters VIP card

Got Throwback? Nearly buried amid evening’s chaotic bedlam, first ever Throwback Uniform Night pulled off, officals declare promotional event wild success with no less than 3 former flavors on display including traditional 2003-08 crimson/gray, ACS Viper 2000-02 blue/white threads, and former ZZZ affiliate Goodfellas, sponsored in part by NRA

Oh and By the Way, What’s a “Throwback”? Dan Batt-less sheepishly concedes never heard of “throwback” vernacular, discovers true meaning only after numerous consultations with family friend who dabbles in lexicography, thus avoiding humiliation, ridicule, mockery, contempt, scorn, embarrassment and other derisive lashings from past, current, future cohorts

Basepath Blunders, Part I – Uncharacteristic base running gaffes undermine team’s well-disciplined fabric, coaches blame runners, runners blame coaches, TWICS Pubs can’t help but wonder somewhere out there in Vitamin Cottage Land Brian Richie is smiling

Murder’s Row in 21st Century – “Card Shark” Tomey shuffles deck, deals out new 1-6 lineup, Doherty settling in nicely in leadoff role, meanwhile 4,5,6 combo anchored by Messrs. Ries, St. Aubin, Swanson producing timely middle lineup punch, coach hopeful luck be a lady rest of season

Mark Who??- Second year Puzzler, Tom, “Handy Hody” quietly having solid ’09 SS season, scooping up this, gobbling up that, making anybody who’s anyone forget legendary, semi-retired Mark “Scooter” Satriano – Hody Doe’s more moderate fielding positioning is a welcome change to Sats’ defiant left wing practices, thus providing a more balanced Conundrum infield of dreams

Scribal Scream – Substituting for traveling Tomey and due to Jason “Weed Whacker” Emmot’s landscaping assignment, Tim “Scoop” Doherty becomes latest guest TWICS writer to dip pen in company ink - staff’s Office of Recruitment impressed with Tim’s shallow prose, immediately tenders offer to join the fabled slanderous workforce – Doherty joins staff already loaded with yellow journalists, adding to toothless tradition readers have grown to loathe – Tim’s previous experience includes editor in chief for Parking Lot Weekly’s Arvada Bureau, please welcome Tim in his new unrewarding endeavor

Fan-O-Meter Watch –Nary a fan to be seen, Puzzler patrons becoming so rare, Ticket Dept. considers lobbying Congress to have Conundrum rooters put on Endangered Species List