Week 12 vs. Tigers

7/20/09

Em’s Blast Catches Tigers By Tail, Butch Shuts Down Feeble Kitty Kat Attack

(vs) Tigers 4
Conundrums 10
Attendance = 2
Year to Date = 24

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – Expecting a beastly Tiger ambush, a roaring hitting attack, Conundrums ready to execute plan to repel a deathly mauling, but instead welcomed by a few harmless meows, some playful scratching, a ball of yarn, and a request from a few kitty junkies for some Columbian Cat Nip –Shut-down pitching by “Doctor Deception”, aka Sean The Butcher, combined with 6 RBI’s by Jason “Blast From The Past” Emmot lifts Conundrums to next week’s Rusty Summit.

It’s Not How You Play The Game Going into Week 13 showdown, 10-2 underdog Puzzlers look to wrangle Lakewood Crown from “Machine Goliaths” (10-1), hoist first league banner since 2004; recognizing daunting task before them, team officials vow to throw every trick in book at RM, including but not limited to: slipping Rustys pre-game mickeys in their Ovaltines, releasing false venue changes that game switched to Field #3, instructing hurler Butcher on the benefits of a yo-yo softball, bribing key Rustys with crunchoclaty TWIX bars in return for unspeakable “favors” – Conundrum players ordered to watch “8 Men Out” flick, study the life and times of Shoeless Joe Jackson, clearly this is serious biz.

Still Crafty After All These Years: He may be past his prime, rainbow arcs may not be as pretty as they used to be, he may even stalk off mound whenever opposition’s #14 hitter takes him deep, but every 4 years or so, Sean “Money” Butcher, holder of every Conundrums pitching record imaginable, turns in a gem, such as on this night when frustrated Tiger hitters kept off balance with southpaw’s classic sky balls, fidgety flatliners, plate knocking nibbles, and most deadly pitch in his arsenal, the old “6-finger Trapezoid Knuckler”, which to this day continues to stifle softball sluggers, not to mention attracting Euclidean Geometry teachers everywhere.

Aw, shucks it weren’t nothing, folks: Handy Hody puts on fielding clinic for the ages with not one but two sweet-as-saltwater rain backhand snags far, far to his right. Later, Hody Do pulls off statistical impossibility with not 1, but 2 unassisted double plays…in the same inning! With sparkling plays like these, coach later affirms that despite Hody’s unsightly BA, team will keep AAA option clause on back burner.

Professor Crunchoclaty At Your Service: Game knotted at 4 apiece and all 2 fans on edge of their seats, ‘drums break it open in 4^th with Jason Emmot bases clearing jack, grand slammy 2^nd in son of a "Lineman for the County’s career" - shot all but seals deal, after game MVP Emwa reveals secret to success is dining on nutritious TWIX bar every lunch prior to game – smelling a pennant, coach immediately mandates every roster and non-roster player to consume one standard-size bar for lunch every Monday – Emmot agrees to hold seminar on proper TWIX etiquette, including do’s and don’ts for mates to chew on.

Old Satrianos Don’t Die, They Just Get Thrown Out at 1^st: After watching Mark “Face of the Franchise” Satriano lumber down 1^st base line only to be “punched out” by a hair, reflective coach remarks that a “younger Mark would have easily beat that out”, adding non-poetically, “he reminds me of me, and that cannot be”. Upon return to the dugout, Tomey puts arm around Tony/Mark’s shoulder, saying only “it’s time”, then tearfully accepts Sats’ letter of resignation – afterwards, skip remarks to hot dog vendor Hector, “there goes a legend in his own mind, what a great – Hey! I said no mustard!”

Your mama so ugly: From the dugout, Sean “The Heckler” playfully jeers 1^st base ump for call that goes Tiger way. Although Sean said he meant no harm when he said “we know you’re blind, we’ve seen your wife”, ump surprisingly takes offense - tempers flare, and only by the good grace of 1B Tomey’s ambassadorial intervention, did the near rhubarb chill out – said Robert: “I knew my training as an international arbitrator would one day pay off.”

Wilky’s In The Immaterial World: In honor of MIA Wilcoxen, team sets record for most pop ups in 7-inning game. Although not physically present, with each lifeless ball floating harmlessly into a waiting Tiger glove, Lakewood Park was filled with the spirit of the Pop-Up Messiah – players report of strange, uncontrollable urges to upper cut or swing early, thus propelling ball into an all too familiar flight pattern. It was if Ryan was with us all along.

Stay Focused, Eric: What started out as a textbook-perfect rundown execution, ends in a botched disaster of epic proportions – Tomey has Tiger runner hung out to dry between 2^nd and 3^rd, freezes him, tosses to 3B Doherty who then corners trapped runner back to 2^nd, fires ball to 2^nd for inevitable tag – but a funny thing happened on the way to the tag out, when ball mysteriously pops out of glove of normally sure-handed Swanson, thus allowing lucky Kitty to escape – said chagrined Eric: “at that moment when the ball impacts the glove, I wondered whether I remembered to pay my water bill, you know, since I work for the water company and all.”

Near This Date in Conundrum History: July 23, 2007 – Lowly Wolverines shock Conundrums with 16-12 upset - anger, grief, only way to describe varying emotions when 'drums leading in 6th, seemingly with game in bag as clock ticks down, make 3^rd out with 0.0000000298313991234 seconds on clock allowing new life to hungry Wolves, who show gratitude by finishing off dumbfounded Puzzlers in 7^th with 5- run game ending rally – many remember game not for remarkably poor clock management but for coach’s expletive-filled rant that included all of George Carlin’s 7 words that you can never say at a softball game. It was truly a spectacle.

Fan-O-Meter Watch: 2 fans on hand, arrive at ballpark with tickets purchased online, complain bitterly about website problems - team director of ticket sales issues following statement – “This is puzzling - we purchased enough bandwidth to handle 4-6 users at a single time – I can assure all of our fans the ISP rep will get an earful.”

Week 11 vs. Maptek T-Bones

7/13/09

Scabula! Posers Can’t Map Comeback This Time – T-Bone 7th Inning Surge Drops Puzzlers in Season Rematch




(vs) Maptek 16
Conundrums 13
Attendance = 0
Year to Date = 22


LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – With an unfamiliar scene playing out in familiar territory, on this mildly turbulent July evening, Puzzlers spot Teks 8 runs early, but like a cat clamoring to gain entry into a house of litter, Mystery Boys scratch ‘n claw way back to eventual deadlock with late flurry, only to surrender 3 in top of 7th, no story book ending to tell grandkids this time as Conundrums suffer 2nd loss of season, hopes dashed for run at Rusty’s closely guarded league title.

I’m Sick of this guy Team comes out of gate flatter than Twiggy, sluggish fielding woes, sleepy bats dig Humdrums into hole unable to climb out from; but no excuses - bottom line at end of day when all was said and done, when push came to shove, when last man out turned out the lights, when there were no more prepositional phrases to lunge for, simple truth is on this date, on that field, from those guys, them T-Boners outperformed our Conundrumly Posers and neither this, that nor the other thing can change all that is what should never be.

Did Mr. Cheney Authorize This? Despite disappointing loss, Conundrums still on pace for perennial 2nd place finish and automatic berth to 145th annual Lakewood Leisure Tourney; FOP Dawg meltdown continues, losing 3rd straight contest – word from CIA (Conundrum Intelligence Agency) is that Copper collapse at hands of Conundrums 2 weeks earlier, triggered irreparable damage to team morale leading to chaos, anarchy; unconfirmed sources from FOP Central report of players being pistol whipped, cuffed to one another and denied basic Miranda rights - other atrocities cannot be confirmed at this time.

I Said No Means No! - Loss taken particularly hard from veteran of Conundrum Wars, Sean Butcher, who abruptly departs through park’s secret back passageway presumably to avoid media circus; despondent hurler declines teammates’ invitation to share post-game libation saying only, “not tonight, I have a headache”.

Blog Beauties Eric “Swansong’s” diving 2B stop cuts down runner at 1st, Bob “Flat Foot” Tomey’s bases jammed 1B line drive snag kills Tekkie rally, Paul “Cheetah” Ries outruns, reels in LF drive heading for gap, Jason Emwa/Eddie “Catcher in the Rye” Layton team up to nail sneaky T-Boney heading home…WOW!

Anyone Up for a Round of Russian Brewlette? Wilky preps for big game by indulging in pre-game Coors Light Delight, but still unsigned LFer accidently opens bottle of brew left over from Beerhunter tournament, resulting in unplanned shower to nearby passersby – Given that TWICS Lakewood Park correspondent witnesses entire debacle, Ryan correctly surmises story will end up in TWICS print.

Tune Of The Day: (Sing it With Us) We can’t believe the news today – Danny Batt has slid and torn his knee away – how long, how long must we watch him bleed? How long? How long…Dan-Batt, Bloody Dan-Batt…Dan-Batt, Bloody Dan-Batt…

Cheesehead Rivalry Puzzler 3 year vet, Eric Swanson files formal protest to Board of Crunchoclaty Arbitrators, disputes coveted TWIX award when cross-town Outagamie County rival Tom Handy Hody prevails in coach’s game MVP – things get heated when Swanny suddenly strikes bewildered Hodorff with used hanky, then demands “satisfaction” – bemused Hody claims he doesn’t own any Mick Jagger tunes and matter quickly blows over as fast as it began.

Near This Date In Team History – July 16, 2001 – Team formerly known as ACS Vipers hold on, nip nemesis Machine, 15-12 in 'rusty' nail biter; Sully's 7th inning gaffes remind observers of 1919 Black Sox Scandal, teammates refer to him as "Shoeless Pat"; in era before candy bars were in vogue, Doug Fabrizio/Tom Satriano share co-MVP just for the honor of it; in memory of dearly departed Conundrum, we recall Chris Pisciotta anecdote when Chris lobbied (unsuccessfully) for MVP despite going 0-fer, adding that if hitless night were primary criteria for MVP’s, coach would be unanimous vote-getter.

Fan-O-Meter Watch – After setting record attendance in back to back previous games, good times end, Conundrums’ ticket turnstile bubble bursts; team’s lobbyists on way to DC in case any TARP greenbacks still available.

Week 10 - Vs. Crush

7/6/09

Crush Nearly Drive Conundrums To Limits, Squeezers Finally Snuffed In 6th With Final ?-Marker Push, Team All Smiles this “Photo Night”

Conundrums 18
(vs) Crush 8
Attendance = 8 (New All-time, Single Game Record!)
Year to Date = 22

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – With nothing to lose, everything to gain, desperate, winless Crushers give ‘drums all they can handle, matters stay interesting until Puzzlers finally extinguish Mashers with 6th inning rally – Conundrums (9-1) stay half step in front of Rusty/Dawg rivals, more importantly win ensures happy, happy, joy, joy 8th Annual Team Photo Night.

Keep Him On 24 Hour Watch! Despite coach’s pre-game admonitions, (“don’t let up, boys, keep the pressure on!”), Conundrums do ease up on throttle ever so slightly against lowly Crush, one week removed from biggest comeback over Dawgs – as players drown selves in celebratory post-game suds, skip takes perceived letdown personally, last seen moping near hot dog stand, muttering incoherently, “Where did I fail them?”, “How Can I regain their respect?”, annoyed vendor finally has enough, says, “Listen mac, are you gonna buy a brat or what?”

Ries Be Cursed? Ignoring club’s golden rule, “thou shalt not take leave of absence until all hazing activities successfully completed”, rookie sensation Pauly Ries declares self “no-show” for Crushing contest, citing “more important matters to attend to” at Coors Field. Outraged Jason Emmot, “Minister of Conundrum Traditions” denounces rook as “blasphemous”, calling “Team Photo Night” shun “slap in the face” to all photogenic worshippers everywhere, alleges embattled Ries “afraid camera will steal his soul”, ends with climactic, “put that in your TWICS and smoke it” overture.

Every Picture Tells a Story, Donut: Club officials express shallow, er deep gratitude to Messrs. Satriano and Sullivan for participating in official team photos. While no longer fully-fledged club servants, team appreciates Sully for taking time off from Evergreen “Little Bear” Door Greeter position, Satriano for temporarily putting away hoes, spades and other gardening paraphernalia, special thanks to free lance photographer who correctly informed Tony/Mark that best side is looking away from, not into camera.

They Bear A Striking Resemblance: Not pictured, but ably representing their human spirits, “Broomstick Ries” and sidekick “Dust Pan Brubaker” steal photo show with dazzling attire, one impressed observer claimed effigies “swept us off our feet”.

Dan Didn’t Get Memo Confusing “Team Photo Night” with not yet invented “Team Parents Night”, chagrined Dan Batt invites ma and pa to park, makes unpleasant scene when informed team not handing out discounted coupons to Perkins Restaurant “Early Bird Special” Buffet…TWICS Board of MVP Awards appeases Lefty Dann with 1st Crunchoclaty of season, but senior Batts complain of faulty candy packaging, team issues public apology to family, officially sanctions 15th game of every season, now and forever “Dan Batt Parents Night”.

It’s Too Soon To Call Him 2nd Coming of E.Y. Declaring Steve Sax and Chuck Knobloch mortal enemies to all respectable 2nd sackers, Eric Swanson’s flawless “D” sheds “Mold Glove” image, proving once again, a man can rise up from his cheesy beginnings in a sleepy corn hole town along the Wausau River bank and be something to somebody, someday, soon.

Around The Bases in 80 Minutes Sean “Touch ‘Em All” Butcher goes yard for first time since ’06, revealing little known penchant for power few knew existed – unfortunately, Mysterians’ slugger, hardly known for rapid leg movement, takes full 8 minutes to complete HR trot, whence Butch finally crosses plate, umps come back from coffee break, resume game.

Nowhere to Go But Up Fast Eddie Layton hitting woes continue, frustrated back stabber, er back stopper struggles to recapture early season magic that earned him catchy title of “Eddie Layton, Hot Hitter of Conundrums Softball Club” – source of sinking BA attributed to errant golf swings, Eddie admits too many late nights at local Kiwanis Putt-Putt Course causing mayhem with mechanics, will have to lay off murderous 17th hole with killer dog leg – mates remain supportive as a jock strap, confident that veteran Q-Marker will turn fortunes around, although lucrative career on Sr. Putt-Putt Circuit always an option. On positive note, Eddie still has yet to make error tossing ball back to battery mate, Butchy – 208 games and counting!!!

He Said What? Years of spinal pain-killers taking its toll, Tomey suffers occasional hallucinations, latest episode occurs when player/coach attempts to score from 2nd on Wilcoxen foul ball, “Zonker Bob” realizing wobble home not challenged by bemused Crush, plays it cool, says he knew ball foul all along, adding he’s “just testing old turbo chargers”

Welcome home, Tim Doherty! Nephew to a parking lot czar returns from SoCal family outing, says Dodger Stadium cool place, reminds him of Lakewood Park, when asked of Disney Land experience, ‘drums leadoff hitter briefly describes shouting match with Mickey, being bitch-slapped by Cinderella, and “kindly” escorted out of Magic Kingdom, officials asking that he never ever return again…EVER! Other than that, Timmy said he had a blast.

Near This Date In Team History – July 7, 2003 – Make-up Twin Bill sees team celebrating 10-4 win over SSBC on Field #2 in 1st game without controversial Gary Smith, after estranged Conundrum abruptly quits team, apparently fed up with “Bad Boy” antics of Mark Satriano and Sean “The Butcher” – fittingly Sats ‘n Butch share game MVP though arguably Sean’s paltry .359 average nothing to write home to Gary’s mother about. Game 2 sees ‘drums go down at infamous Field #1 to FOP Dawgs, 18-12, lackluster performance blamed on back-to-back games, apparently long 32 foot walk from one field to other too much for road-weary Puzzlers, one bright spot is Mark Dushinske’s 4-4 performance; after 3rd sacker’s 4th hit, game halted temporarily when “Dushy’s Wooshies”, a group of biker chick fans toss filter-less Camels and empty Busch Lights onto field as tribute.

Fan-O-Meter Watch Dispute settled in favor of counting former/current players, Sats/Sully as actual fans, thus leading to single game attendance record – warm congratulatory remarks go out to Puzzler Director of Ticket Sales - He/she/it hereby commended for tireless efforts. Sr. club officials considering multiple “Team Photo-Night” promotions next season. Unnamed source tells TP “we should give them [fans] what they want…mediocre softball and photographic entertainment”*

* - Last bit courtesy of Jason Emmot, a frequent contributing TWICS writer, whose works include “Weed Wackers and Me”, “Breaking and Entering – An Idiot’s Guide to Softening New Gloves” – Emmot also shares prestigious title of Emeritus-Among-Us status at Society of Unprofessional Journalists.

Week 9 @ F.O.P. Dawgs

6/29/09

Alone At The Top! Gloom ‘n Doom Ends in Triumph ‘n Jubilation, Posers Tame Growling Dawgs in Heart-Pounding Comeback

Conundrums 21
(at) F.O.P. Dawgs 15
Attendance = 5 (Season Record)
Year to Date = 14

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – Before packed house of 5 reticent supporters, Conundrums send hearts soaring again, roar back from depths of despair, erase 10 run F.O.P. Dawg deficit, 19 run outburst in 3-inning eruption stuns previously undefeated “Woof-Woofs”, victory avenges earlier loss against Dawgies, catapults Puzzlers atop Leisure Standings, team takes pivotal step towards first league crown since 2004

Against All Odds - Just when Dawgs thought it safe to bury Puzzler bones, lightning strikes, sending FOPers yelping - Dan’s Conundrum Batts catch fire with 4 plate crossings in 3rd, another 6 in 4th, climaxing with orgiastic 9 in 5th against dominant F.O.P. team many thought would oust Rusty Machines as masters of Leisure League universe - bewildered Dawgsters, ambushed, never recover, thus completing one of dramatic human competitive comebacks since Jimmy Ping defeated Albert Pong in 1964 World Cup Table Tennis Championship - WHOOOIE!

Conundrums’ Bad Boy After smacking team-leading 3rd round tripper of season, Dale St. Aubin, widely recognized as John McEnroe of softball, charges field ump, goes on tongue-lashing tirade, reminiscent of “You Cannot Be Serious!” episode, chastising ump for 1st base blown calls, spewing out expletives Andrew Dice Clay would find distasteful - to his credit, severely myopic umpy does not give “Boiling Dale” proverbial heave ho, but admonishes fiery Aubbie that “5 more outbursts like that, and you’re gone, pal” – “Dale’s Rant Heard ‘Round The World” thought to be spark to ‘drums’ hitting awakening.

Tequila! Somber Conundrum rooters all but give up fight, prior to St. Aubin outburst they appear ready to head for exits, beat brutal Lakewood traffic, but when Mystery Boys finally break out big sticks, Margarita-infested fans come alive, electrified by resurgent comeback

All Is Forgiven - Despite having generally rough evening handling ball in fields of play, "Dynamic Sausage Duo" of Swanson/Hodorff make key plays in 2 critical sit-u-a-she-owns: 2nd inning, Hody Doe’s alert recovery of miscued ball from 2B partner retires F.O.P. runner, quelling unruly rally, while Swanny’s late inning chat with “The Butcher" of Wheat Ridge on pitching Dawg hitters inside helps calm frazzled veteran’s nerves at game’s critical juncture.

Quote of The Night: “It doesn’t matter, give me the damn ball” – Sean Butcher, when asked prior to mowing down FOP in final inning if Dawgs have 15 or 16 runs

Sully Legacy Arriving just moments before game time, coach refrains from reprimanding Tardy Dale, citing paragraph 3 of slugger’s contract, known simply as “Superstar Clause”, exempting team’s elite player from adhering to club rules – key excerpts of provision, thought to have originated from “Pat Sullivan Principle” apparently mock any reference to player standards of conduct

Secret Weapon? Poised to make everyone forget Mark Dushinske, Gary Stout and other legendary franchise ghosts of the hot corner past, newly self-appointed 3Ber, Jason Emmot unveils brand spankin’ new leather glove, thus dawning in Conundrums’ new age of third base mediocrity – not leaving anything to chance, son of a Telephone Company Operator announces new socks will leave opposition shaking in collective spikes

This Date In Club History: April 25, 2005 – Dom Morelli discovers his telephone really does work, calls GM Butchy, announces end to club holdout, returns to team with 2 for 3 performance, including scoring 2 runs, all for not as Speeco edges ‘drums 13-12, spoiling return of “Sparkplug Morelli”

Nothing Like a Fresh Havana - Reflecting serenely after historic classic over, Emmot keenly observes “no lead is safe in hallowed Lakewood Park", noting that in order to level playing field with nearby Addenbrook Park, team should consider purchasing “The Winston”, long hailed as the premium humidor of its time

He’d Look Good in Fishnets – Swansong conveniently forgets wallet, announces that in order to make drive back to suburban Goodland, KS cushy home, will have to take temporary job hooking on Kipling St., Dan Batt intercedes, lends “Red Light” Eric $20, hopes never to see him in back of vice squad wagon

Talking Down to Americana - Latest "Institute of American Softball Writers Guild" poll shows that 68% of all TWIC Note readers consider writing snobbish, highbrowing, condescending, 53% say it is incoherent dribble, often drifting off beaten path, 32% of respondents insist writers are talent-lacking TWICless twits, when asked if they plan to boycott long-time Conundrums’ publication, 98% said they’ll begrudgingly continue subscriptions, one poll recipient with rather bad skin compared it to an itchy rash, summarizing wryly: “you can’t live with it, you can’t live without it”

Fan-O-Meter Watch – Attendance reaches zenith when 5 people admitted into park, marking largest crowd to watch a club softball game since long, long ago before such records were discussed

Team Photo Night – It’s that strange, wonderful time of year again! Notch 7/6/09 on yer calendar – you won’t want to miss team in spiffy new uniforms; many of them plan to wash new threads just for this event!