Week 10 - Vs. Crush

7/6/09

Crush Nearly Drive Conundrums To Limits, Squeezers Finally Snuffed In 6th With Final ?-Marker Push, Team All Smiles this “Photo Night”

Conundrums 18
(vs) Crush 8
Attendance = 8 (New All-time, Single Game Record!)
Year to Date = 22

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – With nothing to lose, everything to gain, desperate, winless Crushers give ‘drums all they can handle, matters stay interesting until Puzzlers finally extinguish Mashers with 6th inning rally – Conundrums (9-1) stay half step in front of Rusty/Dawg rivals, more importantly win ensures happy, happy, joy, joy 8th Annual Team Photo Night.

Keep Him On 24 Hour Watch! Despite coach’s pre-game admonitions, (“don’t let up, boys, keep the pressure on!”), Conundrums do ease up on throttle ever so slightly against lowly Crush, one week removed from biggest comeback over Dawgs – as players drown selves in celebratory post-game suds, skip takes perceived letdown personally, last seen moping near hot dog stand, muttering incoherently, “Where did I fail them?”, “How Can I regain their respect?”, annoyed vendor finally has enough, says, “Listen mac, are you gonna buy a brat or what?”

Ries Be Cursed? Ignoring club’s golden rule, “thou shalt not take leave of absence until all hazing activities successfully completed”, rookie sensation Pauly Ries declares self “no-show” for Crushing contest, citing “more important matters to attend to” at Coors Field. Outraged Jason Emmot, “Minister of Conundrum Traditions” denounces rook as “blasphemous”, calling “Team Photo Night” shun “slap in the face” to all photogenic worshippers everywhere, alleges embattled Ries “afraid camera will steal his soul”, ends with climactic, “put that in your TWICS and smoke it” overture.

Every Picture Tells a Story, Donut: Club officials express shallow, er deep gratitude to Messrs. Satriano and Sullivan for participating in official team photos. While no longer fully-fledged club servants, team appreciates Sully for taking time off from Evergreen “Little Bear” Door Greeter position, Satriano for temporarily putting away hoes, spades and other gardening paraphernalia, special thanks to free lance photographer who correctly informed Tony/Mark that best side is looking away from, not into camera.

They Bear A Striking Resemblance: Not pictured, but ably representing their human spirits, “Broomstick Ries” and sidekick “Dust Pan Brubaker” steal photo show with dazzling attire, one impressed observer claimed effigies “swept us off our feet”.

Dan Didn’t Get Memo Confusing “Team Photo Night” with not yet invented “Team Parents Night”, chagrined Dan Batt invites ma and pa to park, makes unpleasant scene when informed team not handing out discounted coupons to Perkins Restaurant “Early Bird Special” Buffet…TWICS Board of MVP Awards appeases Lefty Dann with 1st Crunchoclaty of season, but senior Batts complain of faulty candy packaging, team issues public apology to family, officially sanctions 15th game of every season, now and forever “Dan Batt Parents Night”.

It’s Too Soon To Call Him 2nd Coming of E.Y. Declaring Steve Sax and Chuck Knobloch mortal enemies to all respectable 2nd sackers, Eric Swanson’s flawless “D” sheds “Mold Glove” image, proving once again, a man can rise up from his cheesy beginnings in a sleepy corn hole town along the Wausau River bank and be something to somebody, someday, soon.

Around The Bases in 80 Minutes Sean “Touch ‘Em All” Butcher goes yard for first time since ’06, revealing little known penchant for power few knew existed – unfortunately, Mysterians’ slugger, hardly known for rapid leg movement, takes full 8 minutes to complete HR trot, whence Butch finally crosses plate, umps come back from coffee break, resume game.

Nowhere to Go But Up Fast Eddie Layton hitting woes continue, frustrated back stabber, er back stopper struggles to recapture early season magic that earned him catchy title of “Eddie Layton, Hot Hitter of Conundrums Softball Club” – source of sinking BA attributed to errant golf swings, Eddie admits too many late nights at local Kiwanis Putt-Putt Course causing mayhem with mechanics, will have to lay off murderous 17th hole with killer dog leg – mates remain supportive as a jock strap, confident that veteran Q-Marker will turn fortunes around, although lucrative career on Sr. Putt-Putt Circuit always an option. On positive note, Eddie still has yet to make error tossing ball back to battery mate, Butchy – 208 games and counting!!!

He Said What? Years of spinal pain-killers taking its toll, Tomey suffers occasional hallucinations, latest episode occurs when player/coach attempts to score from 2nd on Wilcoxen foul ball, “Zonker Bob” realizing wobble home not challenged by bemused Crush, plays it cool, says he knew ball foul all along, adding he’s “just testing old turbo chargers”

Welcome home, Tim Doherty! Nephew to a parking lot czar returns from SoCal family outing, says Dodger Stadium cool place, reminds him of Lakewood Park, when asked of Disney Land experience, ‘drums leadoff hitter briefly describes shouting match with Mickey, being bitch-slapped by Cinderella, and “kindly” escorted out of Magic Kingdom, officials asking that he never ever return again…EVER! Other than that, Timmy said he had a blast.

Near This Date In Team History – July 7, 2003 – Make-up Twin Bill sees team celebrating 10-4 win over SSBC on Field #2 in 1st game without controversial Gary Smith, after estranged Conundrum abruptly quits team, apparently fed up with “Bad Boy” antics of Mark Satriano and Sean “The Butcher” – fittingly Sats ‘n Butch share game MVP though arguably Sean’s paltry .359 average nothing to write home to Gary’s mother about. Game 2 sees ‘drums go down at infamous Field #1 to FOP Dawgs, 18-12, lackluster performance blamed on back-to-back games, apparently long 32 foot walk from one field to other too much for road-weary Puzzlers, one bright spot is Mark Dushinske’s 4-4 performance; after 3rd sacker’s 4th hit, game halted temporarily when “Dushy’s Wooshies”, a group of biker chick fans toss filter-less Camels and empty Busch Lights onto field as tribute.

Fan-O-Meter Watch Dispute settled in favor of counting former/current players, Sats/Sully as actual fans, thus leading to single game attendance record – warm congratulatory remarks go out to Puzzler Director of Ticket Sales - He/she/it hereby commended for tireless efforts. Sr. club officials considering multiple “Team Photo-Night” promotions next season. Unnamed source tells TP “we should give them [fans] what they want…mediocre softball and photographic entertainment”*

* - Last bit courtesy of Jason Emmot, a frequent contributing TWICS writer, whose works include “Weed Wackers and Me”, “Breaking and Entering – An Idiot’s Guide to Softening New Gloves” – Emmot also shares prestigious title of Emeritus-Among-Us status at Society of Unprofessional Journalists.