Week 6 - Vs. Wingmen

May 24, 2010

Wingmen: 4
Conundrums: 14 (5 Innings)

Attendance: 0

Year To Date Attendance: 8

One Year Comparison to 2009: +13%

Puzzlers Clip Wing Guys, Leave ‘em Flapping In The Wind

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - The Conundrums continued their onslaught of terror upon the Lakewood E League circuit Monday night, blasting yet another victim, the Wing Men in a 14-4 five inning game-shortened delight. The contest featured the first ever with the “Fair-Feathered Flappers” and it was hardly in doubt from the old get go. The Puzzlers began their Wing Fest with a quick 5 in the bottom of the first, thanks in part to a 2-run shot by Jason Emmot, which helped secure his first game Crunchoclaty MVP award this season. The "Flappin’ Wings" mounted a microscopic comeback, cutting the margin to 6-3 in the top of the 3^rd, but the Mystery Boys put them away with 4 in the 4^th and 3 in the 5^th for their 4^th consecutive win and 3^rd straight win by 10 or more runs. The only disappointment emanating from this week’s laugher is that the ‘drums are unable to carry their momentum into next week. Due to the observance of Memorial Day, a forced holiday is being assessed the Conundrums, thereby delaying another softball massacre until June 7.

“Is There A Statistician in the House?” - At 4-2, the Conundrums keep the pressure on the Fat Old Men who may or may not have sole possession of 1^st place. We say that with a straight face as the Lakewood League official statistician continues to fall behind in his/her duties to update the league standings in a timely manner. In a prepared statement, a spokesperson for the league said that “recording the final score for 4 games and then loading them to the Lakewood Softball website on a weekly basis is a trifling affair, requiring a unique skill and years of experience with a masters degree in Probability and Statistics – unfortunately the labor pool to pull from is rather sketchy, but rest assured we’re doing everything that can be done to increase our manpower to mitigate this situation.”

The Human Magnet – Tom “Solenoid” Hodorff sets a modern day record for recording somewhere in the neighborhood of 8-14 putouts including all 3 opportunities in the 1^st frame. After setting the mark, the modest Hody emerged from the dugout to make a curtain call at the beckoning of the mostly partisan Wing crowd. It seemed that no matter where the ball was hit, it ended up in the 3^rd year Conundrum’s glove. At one point, the laws of physics were stretched when a line drive off the bat of the Wing Ding began a natural trajectory to the right field corner, only to suddenly change course and then mystically take an abrupt left turn towards the waiting Hodorff at short. Hodorff explains his killer attraction: “While your average stud might be a babe magnet, I’ve always attracted round stitched up objects. What can I say? When you got it, you got it!”

In Select Company - He has hit safely in his last 12 consecutive AB’s including 2 dingers, 3 triples and 10 knocks. Who is he? No, it’s not Bob Tomey (bahahahaha!). It’s Paul “The Natural” Ries. With this amazing feat, Ries will go into the Conundrum record books with the longest hit streak in franchise history – likely never to be broken. Many have already compared this with DiMaggio’s 56 game hit streak in 1941, Johnny Vander Meer’s back to back no-no’s in 1937 and Tomey’s near record shattering 18 pennies caught off his right elbow in 2010.

Still Got Something Left In The Tank - Former Conundrum pitching ace, Sean Butcher, recently called up from the ‘drums BBB affiliate in Commerce City to fill the temporary vacancy left by Dale “Absent-Minded” St. Aubin , turns in a gem against the frustrated Wing dudes, allowing only 4 runs on roughly 38 hits. Looking like the Butcher of old, his impressive performance Monday night forces coach Tomey to keep the hurler on the active roster while resurrecting murmurs of a pitching controversy. These days, the only thing Butcher has been hurling is last night’s pink chicken, but his mound mastery Monday night may be the shot in the arm to revive a once-stellar career. Since his banishment to the farm team, the normally effervescent veteran has taken his demise hard – Sean spends much of his time collecting as many photos of Tomey as possible while purchasing the best darts money can buy.

“Get a Grip, Dave!” – Leading off the Conundrum 1^st, Dave “slippery When Wet” Brubaker nearly decapitates veteran Lakewood home plate umpire, Sam Mahoney when he inexplicably lost control of both the bat and his senses. After Brubey was fooled badly on a nasty Wing Man dipsy doodle pitch, the metal stick became violently dislodged towards the backstop. Mahoney, a former Golden Gloves champion in 1947, was nearly struck by the projectile, but for an instinctive “bob and weave” move may have saved his life, not to mention another assault/battery felony on Dave’s bulging rap sheet.

Did You hear The One About the Cow Rustler? Enjoying his best season since the last solar eclipse, Ryan Wilcoxen is back in the saddle again, hitting a healthy .556 clip through 6 games. His batting instructor says he’s never looked more comfortable at the plate. In a special TWICS Pubs Investigative Report, we analyzed the secret to Ryan’s renaissance. It wasn’t his abandonment of golf, his drop down to the 6^th spot in the lineup or his reduction in dairy products consumption. No, according to Ryan, his re-emergence links back to his roots. After years of futile efforts, Wilky finally traced his family line back to his great, great, great grandpa, Alfred Wilcoxen, who spent much of his 19^th century life knocking ‘em dead as a stand up act touring the wild west saloon circuit from Tombstone to Carson City. Ryan’s genealogical discovery was liberating, allowing the 8-year Conundrum to finally relax at the plate. A beaming Wilky added: "Great, great, great grandpa Alfred was a pioneer in his craft, a man ahead of his times”. (Alfred Wilcoxen and family pictured below, courtesy of the Ryan Wilcoxen Archives, circa 1867)

Week 6 MIA Report:

1. St. Aubin – left message on coach’s blackberry he’s got to rise at 0400 hours Tuesday morning; According to wife Darcy: “If Dale doesn’t get a solid 40 winks, he’s the devil to live with.”
2. Layton – sent email to coach that he heard from 9News Kathy Sabin that the front range was going to get socked with a foot of snow at precisely 9:15pm;
3. Batt – sent telegram to coach and we quote: “I will only play if I can lead off [STOP] You must also grant assurances that nobody shall covet my Bud Lights [STOP] If you cannot meet my demands [COMMA] you can kiss my sweet patooty [EXCLAMATION POINT]

Week 6 Postscript: TWICS Publications would like to apologize for the omission of the Pulitzer award-winning photos our readers are normally accustomed to viewing on these hollow, er hallowed pages. We regret any inconvenience this may have caused.

Week 5 @ Fismits

Conundrums: 19
Fismits: 2

Attendance: 6
Attendance YTD: 8

Fans Rush to Bandwagon as Donuncrums Foncound Fismits....Run Record to 3-2

Lakewood, CO (TP) – Fans turned out in droves on Monday night at Lakewood Park to watch the Conundrums manhandle the perpetually mediocre Fismits Softball Club of West Denver. The Puzzler’s didn’t disappoint, as a total of 6 people/animals packed the south stands in anticipation that the home-town team would inch their way back into Leisure League title consideration.

David “What’s New is Old Again” Brubaker, and Eric “Part-Time Waterboy” Swanson, started the game off with a bang as the lead-off duo coupled for an in-the-parker followed by a Swanny solo. All told, the Conundrum’s five first inning runs proved to be enough, as Dale “Frenchy” St. Aubin produced another gem on the mound, limiting the Fismits to 2 runs on 8’ish hits (or so…who’s counting?).

Not Quite Random: Coach Tomey rolls out new/improved defensive line-up, leaving team scratching heads, and reaching for collective graphing calculators and/or abacuses. When queried about queer line-up, Tomey admitted that, “this penny thing has me a bit preoccupied”.

Great Organ Hits: Inspired by recording done 35 years prior, team Catcher Eddie “Insurance” Layton continues hot streak at the plate. Said Ed, “My organ masterpiece “The Dipsy Doodle” is the perfect hitting tune. Everyone should pick up a copy, and maybe you too can be “Mr. Lucky” at the plate. Literally…the album is Out of this World”.

A Penny for your Thoughts: Coach Bob provided post-game “entertainment” as he attempted to set a Colorado State record (Seniors Division) by catching 50 pennies stacked on his elbow. Tomey blames windy weather, and increased weight of non-wheat pennies for failed attempts. Tune in next week, as new guy Brandon shows off blindfolded unicycling skills.

Internationally Known: The Conundrums web site continues to spread the Crunchchocolaty word across the globe. This site has viewed by people in 4 Countries and 10 US States. The Upper Midwest is HOT, while the Pacific NW and the North Eastern States remain cool to the ‘drums. In an attempt to drive additional viewership from those areas, the Conundrums are pleased to seed the following keywords into this week’s blog entry: Boston Red Sox Suck, New York is for D-Bags, Seattle Sounders blow, Portland beer is weak piss, Vermont = West New Hampshire. Thank you…TWICS Pubs.

Next Week: Come watch your Conundrums take on Wing Man, and their Left Fielder who sports yellow boxer shorts and knee high socks.

Week 4 vs. Fat Old Men

May 10, 2010

Fat Old Men: 8
Conundrums: 23

Attendance: 1

Year To Date Attendance: 2

One Year Comparison to 2009: -67%

Angry Drum-Sticks!

Conundrums End Early Season Timidity, Unleash Fury on Not-So Fat, Not-So Old Men In 4 Inning Rout

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - It was just a matter of time. After 3 games of frustratingly mediocre softball, the team favored in many pre-season polls (Beer League Weekly, Slo-Pitch Illustrated), to win the Lakewood Leisure League finally kicked it into gear, and not a moment too soon. The Conundrum lineup, from top to bottom, turned it up a notch, schooling a formidable Fat Old Men squad with a tenacious attack that never let up. Led by this week’s Co-Crunchoclaty MVP’s Dale St. Aubin (3-4, 5 RBI’s), and Paul Ries (3-3, HR, 3 RBI’s), the ‘drums broke out the heavy metal early and often, jumping out to a quick 3-0 first inning lead and watched their lead bloat to 11-0 before the “Old Men” answered. The FOMers narrowed the margin to 13-8 before the Conundrums put them away with a 10 run 4^th a game-called 23-8 whitewashing. The win evens the Mysterians record to 2-2 and puts them back in the Leisure League mix.

Putting On His Own Spin - For the second straight week, Lakewood Park was the scene of frigid temps and gusting winds, but it was the Conundrum bats that blew away the Old Men’s swagger, who came into the evening’s matchup sporting a perfect 3-0 beginning. Puzzler starter, St. Aubin, making his first start on the hill in over 2 years, kept the “Fat” off the basepaths for much of the game-shortened contest, turning in a dazzling performance stymieing the opposition with an array of unorthodox pitches, but none more effective than his bread and butter hurl, best described as a backspin cutter. When asked what he calls this unique pitch, a straight-faced Aubby responded, “I call it the backspin cutter”. Touché.

The Old 1-6-3 Double Dip – The Conundrums ended the 1^st Inning Old Man threat when a liner back through the box was tipped and redirected by Aubin. Racing to his left, SS Tom Hodorff nabbed the airborne ball and doubled off a hung up Old Man runner at 1B, thus completing a most unusual double play. Not so fast says coach Tomey: “That’s a designed play. We practice that during spring training until sundown. I gave the 1-6-3 sign. It was a well executed play.”

Singled Out - For Paul Ries, life was almost a cycle. With the Conundrums leading 21-8 in the 4th, the youngster from Anytown, Iowa stood anxiously in the on-deck circle, one single away from the ever so rare cycle. Ries had already slammed a 2-run HR, a run scoring triple and a double to boot, when all that was needed was a love tap in any direction. But standing in his way and ultimately foiling a date with destiny was St. Aubin, who unabashedly ended the game with a 2 run single, increasing the scoring margin to 15 runs, by rule ending the game and with it the dream of a Ries. Unable to face reality, a disbelieving Pauly stood for hours at home plate long after the team celebration ended, long after the field lights darkened the cold night. From a distance far, far away, the whimpered pleadings of a lonely man to nobody in particular saturated the otherwise peaceful Lakewood streets: “Pitch the ball! Pleeeeeease! Pitch the ball!”

Silence of the Horn – Back in the day, the time honored tradition of “around the horn” was commonplace among the Conundrum diamond. During the reign of Satriano-Tomey from 1998-2006, the practice was executed to near perfection. The infield during those years racked up an impressive 98% error-free rate, mostly because the first basemen, Pat Sullivan/Brian Richie were not allowed to participate. But alas in recent years the infield doesn’t toot its horn much anymore. Satriano has retired, Tomey’s been relegated to 1B. The new infield regime, led by Tom Hody Doe Hodorff seems content to get the ball to the Conundrum hurler and bypass the “horn toss”. In a written statement, Hody was quoted as saying, “i don’t much care for this horn business. What if we overthrow it? Then what? If somebody wants to go around the horn, let them sail off the southern tip of Africa or get themselves a tuba. Around the horn? Not on my watch, mister.”

You’re One of Us Now – Week 4 saw the return of Jason “Lumbaritis” Emmot to the lineup after being sidelined last week with a bruised lower back injury. Prior to the game, Emwa and Tomey exchanged meds, sport crèmes and back-healing heat wraps. Later Emmot beamed with pride as he showed off an honorary pin Tomey presented him in the shape of a L5 disc. Em was also seen leaving the parking lot with this bumper sticker on his vehicle:

Ray Bradbury, Eat Your Heart Out - Sean “The Raconteur” Butcher concludes his weekly telling of The Abduction, by turning the already snooze-worthy plot into an anti-climactic calamity. In the final excerpt released by TWICS Publications (you’ve had enough, we’ve had enough, let’s move on), Chapter 3’s “Take Me To Your Leader” chronicles Sean’s encounters with the alien beings. Sean writes: “I was held for over 3 hours, primarily because of the delayed arrival of the one translator in the entire galaxy who was familiar with Wheat Ridge English.” In the end, the alien beings realized Butcher’s talents were limited to remedial card counting, underhand tossing of spherical objects, and buying/selling products on eBay. Subsequently he was released behind a local Circle K. In order to ensure they didn’t abduct him a second time, the men from the Andromeda Quadrant branded him with the mark of Earthly unworthiness, otherwise known as three dots on the ankle.

For further reading, see The Abduction, due to arrive in bookstores later this century.

Next Week’s Featured Article: Come one, come all, the fun continues when Tomey attempts to catch a record 50 pennies off his elbow. Be there when the Puzzler skipper tries to make cents of it all. Free admission for children under 5. (Please do not attempt this at home.)