Week 3 vs. Swingers

Swingers: 10
Conundrums: 11
Attendance: Nada/Zilcho/Zippo

Sigh of Relief! Blustery Conundrums Rally in 7th, Swing to 1st ‘V’, Avoid 0-3 Start

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - Monday night was the battle of the Oh-fers at hallowed Lakewood Park. Minus their battered interim skip and Aquatic Lefty, the Conundrums break out of the 2010 funk and find a way to avoid a disastrous 0-3 beginning. On a cold, windy evening in Lakewood where one couldn’t be blamed for mistaking it for Candlestick Park, the Puzzlers (1-2) appeared to be heading for a season-ending cliff dive when suddenly in the 4th inning, the team caught fire and charged back from a 7-0 deficit to score 6 runs, sparked by a Swinger throwing error allowing leadoff hitter Eric Swanson to reach 1B and capped by a 2 run bases clearing twiple (with apologies to Mr. Fudd) by Ryan Wilcoxen. In the 5th the Mystery Boys surged ahead thanks to a thunderous 3 run shot by this week’s TWIX Crunchoclaty recipient, sophomore Paul Ries (that’s Reese for all you linguini, errr linguistic freaks). The Swingers (0-3) down, but not out, tied the score in the top half of the 6th, and took the go-ahead run in their half of the 7th before setting up the stage for the Puzzler dramatic comeback win. 54 year old Eddie Layton - the oldest man to ever don a Conundrum uniform - drew a leadoff walk then turned on the after burners taking 3rd base on a sharply hit single by the next oldest current Conundrum, Tim “I Remember When This Place Was a Cow Pasture” Doherty. Another single, this time from Dave Brubaker – a man who struggled through a fledgling acting career – driving home the tying run, setting up the stage for Swanny, who quickly is establishing his reputation as Mr. August (we don’t play in October). The man from Wontokamoso, Wisconsin put aside his fond memories of the Brat Stop for just one moment long enough to drive a no-doubter into LF, thus scoring a scampering Doherty home and with it possibly saving the ’10 season for the beleaguered, yet proud E League softball franchise. After the game, Conundrum manager, Bob “Cliché Smacking” Tomey pulled out all the rhetorical jargon by proclaiming the obvious: “This was a must win. We had our backs to the wall, but our guys didn’t quit. They showed a lot of heart out there. We just gotta look ahead now and take it one game at a time.”

Du Bist Ein Dunkoffs! Clearly the team wanted to avoid an 0-3 disastrous start, but the reasoning behind this fear will surprise even the most ardent Conundrum Insiders. Losing the first 3 games of a 14 game season is almost certain death to any post-season playoff seekers, but what frightened the players most was the Hitler-like rage of Sean "Fist-Pounding" Butcher. When the ‘drums failed to score after 3 straight innings of batting futility, the Wheat Ridge father of 1 began screaming at the team in Germanic tongues – “Ach du meine this!”, “Ich geschleibe bleibe that!”. Witnesses present were amazed as the hurler has never shown any predisposition towards any of the Bavarian languages, let alone his limited command of English (although it is widely accepted his mastery of 4 letter epithets is second to none). Fortunately Butchy’s mad ranting had the desired effect, the team roared back to life and all was forgiven. Heil, Butcher!

Please Don’t Jump, Jason! Citing a long period of deep mourning after suffering his first career loss as pro tem Skipper in Week 2, Jason Emmot spends the last two weeks trying to make sense out of his senseless interim world. After doing some soul-searching (and not finding any), he decides to take matters into his own hands. On a cold Littleton morning, he says goodbye to his wife and two small children, stands tall on top of his flatbed Ford, points to a 2008 Conundrum Team photo he’s clutching, shouts out “Sic simper Tyrannis” and to the horror of his immigrant gardener, jumps in a grandiose moment of despair. When it was all said and done, the doctors said it was a wonder the two and a half foot plunge didn’t do more damage than just bruise his lower lumbar. Emwa, the son of a retired Asst. Mass-Media Mogul, has been placed on a round the clock 24 hour watch and is reportedly in stable condition. A family spokesperson issued a statement that the 37 year old veteran Conundrum will seek counseling. At the insistence of wife, Carey, Emwa will sell the flatbed “just as soon as he can walk upright.” No timetable has been issued for Emmot’s return to the Conundrums.

Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You: Meanwhile on the other side of the Divide, Dan Batt has other matters to tend to – as he continues to dabble in Quantum Aqua Mechanics along the steppes of Granby and thus leaving his Conundrum mates high and dry, the Arvada, CO native continues to hobnob with some of the wettest engineers the world has known. H2O Dann officially notified team officials that until he and his team fully comprehend how, why and when water takes on a path of least resistance at altitude, his duties as a softball grunt must take a back seat. While Batt and his Budd Lights will be sorely missed, the team acknowledges that Dan’s dedication to science is beyond admiration.

Changing of The Mound: Despite Sean “The Crafty Lefty” Butcher displaying a rare moment of brilliance with his first backward k in nearly 7 years (we really don’t know, but TP feels obliged to fudge once in a backward k), Tomey stuns the Conundrum World after announcing longtime pitching hack Dale St. Aubin will start for the ‘drums in Week 5 against powerhouse Fat Old Men. This marks the first time during a pennant race that a healthy (well, relatively speaking) Butcher has been scratched from the hill, a bold move indeed that has spurred rumors Seanie has fallen into disfavor with the quirky coach. Noticing the murmurings, Skip swiftly responded, “There’s no pitching controversy”, adding with a twinkle in his eye, “reports of Sean’s demise have been greatly exaggerated – he’s our guy, we just need to give him a well deserved night off”. Leaving nothing to chance, however, Tomey left a box of chocolates on Butcher’s front porch with a note explaining the decision before ringing the doorbell and running like the dickens.

You Dropped My Rembrandt! Rather than run to 1B after releasing yet another of his legendary patented corn-o-can pop ups into the atmosphere, Avante Garde Wilky stands mesmerized at home plate admiring his latest gift to the world - but then something goes terribly, terribly wrong. To the horror of his mates, the Swinger fielder muffs the peacefully lazy fly ball as it falls safely to the Lakewood earth. Too late to run, Wilcoxen is easily thrown out at 1B, thus suffering a disgrace that makes Richard Nixon’s resignation appear like childplay; while publicly explaining that the whole incident was just a “silly misunderstanding”, privately, the Wilkster admitted it was his “greatest masterpiece ever.”

Should He Quit His Day Job? Despite the fact he was signed for his softball credentials, rookie Brandon Casey displays an uncanny talent for photography when he captured Tomey awarding the weekly TWIX Crunchoclaty MVP to Ries. Although Casey used a rather pedestrian cellular camera, and sure the first photo did in fact cut out Tomey’s ginormous head, eventually after 36 tries, the 27 year old youngster nailed it, snapping the dazzling photo image displayed on this page. Team officials noted that should Brandon’s batting average continue its southern descent, "we’ve got a place for him as a staff photographer.”

Everybody's Talking About It! Sean continues to captivate the younger Puzzlers in a post-game recanting of another excerpt from the literary classic, “The Abduction”. In chapter 2, “The Geometry of Leg Lesions”, Sean recounts the bizarre relationship between the English crop circles and the mysterious ones burning through his flesh, first discovered while coaching pee-wee football, at the still unripe age of 22: “After drilling the lads through a grinding workout, I looked down, noticed these perfect geometric circles on my calf that resembled the mysterious crops in England. I had no idea how this occurred, as I have never been anywhere east of Aurora. So I immediately consulted our family physician, who remarked he had never seen anything like it in the 22 years he had been practicing podiatry. At a loss to explain this paranormal phenomenon, he told me to rub two cloves of garlic on the affected area and call him in the morning”.

Next week: the chilling saga continues when Sean describes his encounter of a weird kind – don’t miss the gruesome Butcher tales from Chapter 3’s “Take Me To Your Leader”.