May 24, 2010
Wingmen: 4
Conundrums: 14 (5 Innings)
Attendance: 0
Year To Date Attendance: 8
One Year Comparison to 2009: +13%
Puzzlers Clip Wing Guys, Leave ‘em Flapping In The Wind
LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - The Conundrums continued their onslaught of terror upon the Lakewood E League circuit Monday night, blasting yet another victim, the Wing Men in a 14-4 five inning game-shortened delight. The contest featured the first ever with the “Fair-Feathered Flappers” and it was hardly in doubt from the old get go. The Puzzlers began their Wing Fest with a quick 5 in the bottom of the first, thanks in part to a 2-run shot by Jason Emmot, which helped secure his first game Crunchoclaty MVP award this season. The "Flappin’ Wings" mounted a microscopic comeback, cutting the margin to 6-3 in the top of the 3rd, but the Mystery Boys put them away with 4 in the 4th and 3 in the 5th for their 4th consecutive win and 3rd straight win by 10 or more runs. The only disappointment emanating from this week’s laugher is that the ‘drums are unable to carry their momentum into next week. Due to the observance of Memorial Day, a forced holiday is being assessed the Conundrums, thereby delaying another softball massacre until June 7.
“Is There A Statistician in the House?” - At 4-2, the Conundrums keep the pressure on the Fat Old Men who may or may not have sole possession of 1st place. We say that with a straight face as the Lakewood League official statistician continues to fall behind in his/her duties to update the league standings in a timely manner. In a prepared statement, a spokesperson for the league said that “recording the final score for 4 games and then loading them to the Lakewood Softball website on a weekly basis is a trifling affair, requiring a unique skill and years of experience with a masters degree in Probability and Statistics – unfortunately the labor pool to pull from is rather sketchy, but rest assured we’re doing everything that can be done to increase our manpower to mitigate this situation.”
The Human Magnet – Tom “Solenoid” Hodorff sets a modern day record for recording somewhere in the neighborhood of 8-14 putouts including all 3 opportunities in the 1st frame. After setting the mark, the modest Hody emerged from the dugout to make a curtain call at the beckoning of the mostly partisan Wing crowd. It seemed that no matter where the ball was hit, it ended up in the 3rd year Conundrum’s glove. At one point, the laws of physics were stretched when a line drive off the bat of the Wing Ding began a natural trajectory to the right field corner, only to suddenly change course and then mystically take an abrupt left turn towards the waiting Hodorff at short. Hodorff explains his killer attraction: “While your average stud might be a babe magnet, I’ve always attracted round stitched up objects. What can I say? When you got it, you got it!”
In Select Company - He has hit safely in his last 12 consecutive AB’s including 2 dingers, 3 triples and 10 knocks. Who is he? No, it’s not Bob Tomey (bahahahaha!). It’s Paul “The Natural” Ries. With this amazing feat, Ries will go into the Conundrum record books with the longest hit streak in franchise history – likely never to be broken. Many have already compared this with DiMaggio’s 56 game hit streak in 1941, Johnny Vander Meer’s back to back no-no’s in 1937 and Tomey’s near record shattering 18 pennies caught off his right elbow in 2010.
Still Got Something Left In The Tank - Former Conundrum pitching ace, Sean Butcher, recently called up from the ‘drums BBB affiliate in Commerce City to fill the temporary vacancy left by Dale “Absent-Minded” St. Aubin , turns in a gem against the frustrated Wing dudes, allowing only 4 runs on roughly 38 hits. Looking like the Butcher of old, his impressive performance Monday night forces coach Tomey to keep the hurler on the active roster while resurrecting murmurs of a pitching controversy. These days, the only thing Butcher has been hurling is last night’s pink chicken, but his mound mastery Monday night may be the shot in the arm to revive a once-stellar career. Since his banishment to the farm team, the normally effervescent veteran has taken his demise hard – Sean spends much of his time collecting as many photos of Tomey as possible while purchasing the best darts money can buy.
“Get a Grip, Dave!” – Leading off the Conundrum 1st, Dave “slippery When Wet” Brubaker nearly decapitates veteran Lakewood home plate umpire, Sam Mahoney when he inexplicably lost control of both the bat and his senses. After Brubey was fooled badly on a nasty Wing Man dipsy doodle pitch, the metal stick became violently dislodged towards the backstop. Mahoney, a former Golden Gloves champion in 1947, was nearly struck by the projectile, but for an instinctive “bob and weave” move may have saved his life, not to mention another assault/battery felony on Dave’s bulging rap sheet.
Did You hear The One About the Cow Rustler? Enjoying his best season since the last solar eclipse, Ryan Wilcoxen is back in the saddle again, hitting a healthy .556 clip through 6 games. His batting instructor says he’s never looked more comfortable at the plate. In a special TWICS Pubs Investigative Report, we analyzed the secret to Ryan’s renaissance. It wasn’t his abandonment of golf, his drop down to the 6th spot in the lineup or his reduction in dairy products consumption. No, according to Ryan, his re-emergence links back to his roots. After years of futile efforts, Wilky finally traced his family line back to his great, great, great grandpa, Alfred Wilcoxen, who spent much of his 19th century life knocking ‘em dead as a stand up act touring the wild west saloon circuit from Tombstone to Carson City. Ryan’s genealogical discovery was liberating, allowing the 8-year Conundrum to finally relax at the plate. A beaming Wilky added: "Great, great, great grandpa Alfred was a pioneer in his craft, a man ahead of his times”. (Alfred Wilcoxen and family pictured below, courtesy of the Ryan Wilcoxen Archives, circa 1867)
Week 6 MIA Report:
- St. Aubin – left message on coach’s blackberry he’s got to rise at 0400 hours Tuesday morning; According to wife Darcy: “If Dale doesn’t get a solid 40 winks, he’s the devil to live with.”
- Layton – sent email to coach that he heard from 9News Kathy Sabin that the front range was going to get socked with a foot of snow at precisely 9:15pm;
- Batt – sent telegram to coach and we quote: “I will only play if I can lead off [STOP] You must also grant assurances that nobody shall covet my Bud Lights [STOP] If you cannot meet my demands [COMMA] you can kiss my sweet patooty [EXCLAMATION POINT]
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