Week 7 - At F.O.P. Dawgs

June 7, 2010

Conundrums: 15
F.O.P. Dawgs 4 (5 Innings)


Attendance: 3 (Avg Age = 11.3)
Year To Date Attendance: 11
One Year Comparison to 2009: +22%

Who Let the Dawgs Out?
Puzzlers Avenge Opener Loss, Cruise to 5th Straight

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - Ever since the Conundrums disappointing loss to the once formidable FOP Dawgs on Opening Day, the Puzzlers marked June 7 on their mysterious calendar. That day of reckoning came Monday night. The Q-Markers, coming off the required Memorial Holiday break hotter than ever, proceeded to punish/pound the K-9's, then sent them howling back to the doghouse. Any questions that the Conundrums would come off the bye week with a letdown were refuted instantly when Dale St. Aubin's 3-run jack fueled a 1st inning 6-run barrage. As with the previous 3 games, the first inning ambush set the pace for another anticlamatic finish. But St. Aubin wasn't the only star to shine in that potent Conundrum lineup. He had plenty of help with 3fer3 performances by "Lonesome" Dave Brubaker, Eric "The Waterboy, Part II" Swanson, Paul "The Streaker" Ries, and Ryan "Where'd He Come From" Wilcoxen. The Puzzlers teased their new arch nemesis until the 5th when a 7 run explosion buried the Dawg bones for good. St. Aubin returned to the hill after a three week hiatus and allowed one earned run, improving his record to 4-0 as he continues to befuddle the league with that patented backspin cutter. It was the 5th straight win for The Conundrums and 4th straight by 10 or more runs. Pending the late outcome of the Fat Old Men contest, the win keeps the 'drummers within striking distance of the top of the Lakewood E League heap.

Streak Watch - With his 3fer3 hit performance Monday, Ries improved his record hit streak to 15 consecutive AB's. The Dawgs attempted to rile the cool-mannered Ries on his final AB by forcing the Iowa native to take a walk on the wild side. But with the count 3-0, Ries purposely fanned at ball four then proceeded to drive the next pitch off the left field fence, thus preserving his cycle of perfection over the last 4 games. Pauly's hot-hitting exploits have garnered national attention as media hounds from across the land flock to Lakewood Park to see the "Freak with a Stick" perform his super human feats. ESPN reportedly recalled 3 of its FIFA World Cup correspondents from Johannesburg this week because as one source, who requested anonymity said, "you can watch a bunch of guys kick the ball around every four years, but this? This is a once in a lifetime thing."

Conundrum Martyr, Or Scapegoat? – Bearing the brunt of Coach Tomey's humanistic fielding strategies is never easy, and nobody suffers that burden more than Tim "The Utilitarian" Doherty. Skip walked a slippery slope with his "Fairness in Fielding Doctrine" by inserting Doherty at SS in place of starter Tom "Scooter-ino" Hodorff in the 1st inning of last night's affair. The strategy backfired as the Dawgs attacked often and hard with a steady diet of zingers one after another at Doherty, aka "the Conundrum Without a Home". The Dawgies scored three times while Timmy fought the assault bravely, but with his glove literally in tatters, eventually he had to pull out his mostly-white hanky and waved it gallantly before they called off the Dawgs. The Conundrums survived "The Massacre Up The Middle" but speculation abounded after the game that the move may have cost Tomey Coach of The Year. Jason "Sharp As An Earlobe" Emmot reminded all that "he's the only one in the running, we're stuck with him, now deal with it." Upon hearing this, the embattled Diamond Director made peace that this was as close to a vote of confidence he'll ever get.

They Said It:
"He runs like a bad toilet" - Jason Emmot describing Eric Swanson's persistent running prowess after hitting a triple.
"I went hitless tonight because there's nobody to protect me in the order" - Bob Tomey after going 0-3. Sean Butcher would later kick himself for not coming up with the quote first.

Rebels Without a Cause - Sean Butcher, Bob Tomey, Eddie Layton lobby hard, then fail to pass a referendum that would eliminate batting statistics from being recorded "ever, ever, ever" again. The proposal known as a "Batting Average to Nowhere" fails to garner enough team support to allow for a formal vote. Said Butcher: "I knew when Wilky didn't bite, we were dead in the water." Although their motives are purely speculative, it's safe to conjecture that the fact that they went a combined 0-8 Monday night may have contributed to the failed stats coup. In a final footnote, the "Big 3 of Zero" agreed to change their names until further notice to their porno alter ego: "Beau Chase" (Butch), "Sophie Whitcomb" (Tomey), "Snoopy West 67nd Avenue" (Fast Eddie)

Get Yer Mr. Potato Head Outta My Face! He's the youngest heckler to come along in softball circles since Nancy "The Embryo" tormented Wichita umpires from the womb of Bertha Bazunga during her last two trimesters in 1973. Monday night, little Dale St. Aubin Jr., all of 2 and a half years old came out swinging after the Conundrums' big win. Junior, known for his vile tongue as the Conundrums Bench Coach, took exception to a number of "questionable" calls from home plate ump, Billy "The Bull" Shamalaya during the Dawg contest. While the Conundrums' hurling battery duo, Dale and Fast Eddie Layton were conducting their weekly post-game pitch selection review, Junior Aubin strayed from daddy to settle a personal score with The Bull while umping the Wing Men/Swinger game. From behind the backstop, Tiny Aubbie heckled Billy to no end, referring to him with some rather unflattering epithets and making references to his mother in an equally unkindly manner. Witnesses allege Junior's words were incomprehensible (his baby teeth have not come in yet) but his nasty tone was unmistakable. The game was delayed for 10 minutes while Father Dale dragged his kicking/screaming offspring away. Shamalaya gave the youngster the boot, making him the youngest heckler to be removed from Lakewood Park. The commissioner's office is reviewing the case to determine the extent of any fines and further sanctions.

I Said 'Hold The Cockroaches'! Ever since he walked into his first Perkins Restaurant with his high school sweetheart after their senior prom, Brandon Casey dreamed of opening his own "greasy spoon". The Puzzler rookie recalled how he was mesmerized observing the kichy kitchen banter between cook and busboy and the manager's warm greeting to every patron who walked through the door. He turned to Betsy and said, "Bets, take a good look at that guy, someday that's gonna be me." Ten years and three bankruptcies later, the hotshot Conundrums 3rd sacker finally made good on his promise, opening his first fine dining eatery on the corner of 6th and Federal, complete with bullet proof glass. Westword named "Brandon Casey's" the "best place in Denver to grab a burger, while watching the ambulances scurrying to and fro "Denver General". Hats off to Brandon from all of us at Conundrum Central.



Next Week: Take a nap, then come on out, catch the 9:15 late nighter, stay up with the 'drums as they look for their 6th straight 'V" and even the score with Popo's Bloopers - tell your mother, your father, your sister, your brother, your mistress, your parole officer, tell 'em all!