Week 8 Vs. The Crush

June 21, 2010

Crush 13
Conundrums: 23 (6 Innings)

Attendance: 1

Year To Date Attendance: 12


STREAK OVER!
Ries Consecutive Hit Parade Stopped At 15, Q-Markers Roll To 6^th Straight Win

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – It was a historic night at the corner of Alameda and Kipling. Not because the Conundrums rolled to their 6^th straight win, drubbing the Crush 23-13, which they did. Not because their margin of victory was by 10 or more runs for the 5^th consecutive time, which it was. Not because they finally own a share of 1^st place in the Lakewood Leisure League Standings with the Fat Old Men loss earlier in the evening, but they do. No, history was made on this the first day of summer when Puzzler sophomore Paul Ries finally failed to record a hit on his first AB, grounding out on a sad 6-3 play in the 1^st inning, thus ending his extraordinary hit streak at 15 that spanned the previous 4 games. After making his first out in 4 games, Conundrum SS Tom Hodorff applauded Pauly’s feat and implored his mates to do likewise. In his second AB, Ries failed to reach base again, prompting widespread panic - reminiscent of HG Wells’ War of The Worlds - that Ries was suddenly in a slump. Order was quickly restored when the “cool as the other side of the pillow” Iowa cornfield native recovered in his next three AB’s with a single, 2bagger and triple. Coach Bob Tomey plans on holding a brief ceremony later this season and awarding Ries with an honorary TWIX candy bar in appreciation for the young phenom’s feat. As the façade, er face of the Q-Markers says, “there can be no better tribute than crunchoclaty goodness wrapped in the symbol of this fabled franchise.” Uh boy.

Crush Scare? – The Conundrums game plan followed standard operating procedures, kept to the script with another of their patented 1^st inning bursts, zapping the Crush with a 7-spot, but then sputtering in the second and third stanzas, thus leaving a crack in the door. In their top half of the 3^rd, thanks in part to some uncharacteristically sloppy Mystery Boys’ defense, the Crush stormed through with an 8-run counterinsurgency and suddenly the ‘drums found themselves in a pickle of dill proportions and down 12-7. But as usual, the team responded with consecutive rallies in the 4^th and 5^th innings. By the time they took to the bats in their half of the 6^th, they wasted no time with a “tap-in” run, ending the game with yet another game-shortened 10 run rout and in the process, sending the de-carbonated Crush home fizzling.

Butchered At The Plate – With Sean “Zero to 60 in 60 Minutes” Butcher sitting on 2B in the 5^th frame with the potential knockout run, Eddie Layton singles up the middle setting up a dramatic play at the plate. Say what you will about the basement dwelling Crush, their scouting report on the “less than speedy” Sean was spot on. With no sense of urgency at all, the journey of the ball from center field took a leisurely path to the shortstop to the left fielder, to the first baseman to a woman walking her dog, over to the Crush pitcher and so on and so forth…finally after a record 12 cutoff relays, the ball was mercifully rolled to the catcher who applied the tag on the sprinting Butcher for the 3^rd out of the inning. Said a clearly disappointed Seanie: “I wanted to try out the old hip-first slide I’d been practicing in my backyard, but those guys (Crush fielders) got the ball so quickly to the plate, I realized it was futile. All I can do is tip my cap.”

4 Outs Are Better Than 3 – With one out in the 6^th, runners on 1^st/2^nd, 2Bagger Tomey snags a liner, then calmly tosses to SS Tom Hodorf at the bag to double off the wandering Crusher, thus ending the inning. For some inexplicable reason we may never know the truth behind, Hody Do, perhaps carried away in the moment, decides “3 ain’t enough”, fires over to a salivating Butcher at 1^st in an apparent triple play that never was. In their bogus glee, Hodorff and Butcher did everything from the high five, low five, tummy slam, and happy dance. When the celebration morphed into a Russian waltz, the home plate ump chief said enough was enough and had them physically removed from the field for their own safety.

Batt and Emwa vacationing – While the Conundrums were working hard Monday night, it did not go unnoticed that Daniel Batt and Jason Emmot were off on separate but equal vacations. Emmot notified club officials his intent to visit San Diego California where he promptly dropped off his kids and wife Carey at SeaWorld, then disappeared presumably over to Pub Row, catching various World Cup matches, while enjoying a pint or two. Emwa made quite a few friends when he led bar patrons to a rousing rendition of The “Farmer and the Dell”. But he went too far: he had them at “the farmer takes a wench” but when he pulled out a vuvuzela he so offended the locals he was kindly asked to leave in peace. Batty on the other hand, who has not seen playing time for some 4 odd weeks, had a much more peaceful escape. Now somewhere in the black mining hills of Dakota there lived a young boy named Rocky Raccoon, one day his woman ran off…hang on, that’s a fab 4 song. Sorry, no clue where Dan went.

Crunchoclaty Jabber – Tim Doherty earns his first coach’s MVP tasty treat of the season. In a year where the Asphalt Painting Czar has seen a drop-off in his numbers, that crunchy, chocolaty caramel cookie sweetens some of the bitter taste…meanwhile over at the hot corner, rookie Brandon Casey has yet to get a sniff of the Coach’s cruchoclaty bar. After a slow start, Casey has picked up his game over the last 3 games and shows promise of one day taking home the coveted snack of Conundrums. No Puzzler rookie has ever gone an entire season without winning a game MVP. Is the rook feeling the heat? Hard to tell, he won’t stop sweating long enough to ask him... Meanwhile, perhaps the best player not to taste the award this year must be former “Can ‘o Corn Kingpin”, Ryan “Pop In His Bat” Wilcoxen. Wilky shrugs off the snub, saying he’s only happy he can contribute to the team’s success. Says “Faux Pas” Ryan, “Hey, there’s no ‘E’ in Team” Right. And there’s no “I” in eye.

Team Photo Night Coming Soon To a Lakewood Park Near You: It’s that magical time of the year when the flowers smell sweeter, the infield dirt looks dirtier, the beers taste draughtier. Yes folks, it’s Team Photo Night and it’s happening next Monday right after the Conundrums take on the Swingers. Don’t miss the fun when the team stands still, says cheese (as opposed to cutting it) and smiles to the candid camera in their tidy whiteys. Team officials expect that now that legendary Mark Satriano has retired, the number of photo takes should fall off significantly thus saving the team hundreds of dollars in photographer expenses. Come one, come all!