Week 4 vs. Fat Old Men

May 10, 2010

Fat Old Men: 8
Conundrums: 23

Attendance: 1

Year To Date Attendance: 2

One Year Comparison to 2009: -67%

Angry Drum-Sticks!

Conundrums End Early Season Timidity, Unleash Fury on Not-So Fat, Not-So Old Men In 4 Inning Rout

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - It was just a matter of time. After 3 games of frustratingly mediocre softball, the team favored in many pre-season polls (Beer League Weekly, Slo-Pitch Illustrated), to win the Lakewood Leisure League finally kicked it into gear, and not a moment too soon. The Conundrum lineup, from top to bottom, turned it up a notch, schooling a formidable Fat Old Men squad with a tenacious attack that never let up. Led by this week’s Co-Crunchoclaty MVP’s Dale St. Aubin (3-4, 5 RBI’s), and Paul Ries (3-3, HR, 3 RBI’s), the ‘drums broke out the heavy metal early and often, jumping out to a quick 3-0 first inning lead and watched their lead bloat to 11-0 before the “Old Men” answered. The FOMers narrowed the margin to 13-8 before the Conundrums put them away with a 10 run 4^th a game-called 23-8 whitewashing. The win evens the Mysterians record to 2-2 and puts them back in the Leisure League mix.

Putting On His Own Spin - For the second straight week, Lakewood Park was the scene of frigid temps and gusting winds, but it was the Conundrum bats that blew away the Old Men’s swagger, who came into the evening’s matchup sporting a perfect 3-0 beginning. Puzzler starter, St. Aubin, making his first start on the hill in over 2 years, kept the “Fat” off the basepaths for much of the game-shortened contest, turning in a dazzling performance stymieing the opposition with an array of unorthodox pitches, but none more effective than his bread and butter hurl, best described as a backspin cutter. When asked what he calls this unique pitch, a straight-faced Aubby responded, “I call it the backspin cutter”. Touché.

The Old 1-6-3 Double Dip – The Conundrums ended the 1^st Inning Old Man threat when a liner back through the box was tipped and redirected by Aubin. Racing to his left, SS Tom Hodorff nabbed the airborne ball and doubled off a hung up Old Man runner at 1B, thus completing a most unusual double play. Not so fast says coach Tomey: “That’s a designed play. We practice that during spring training until sundown. I gave the 1-6-3 sign. It was a well executed play.”

Singled Out - For Paul Ries, life was almost a cycle. With the Conundrums leading 21-8 in the 4th, the youngster from Anytown, Iowa stood anxiously in the on-deck circle, one single away from the ever so rare cycle. Ries had already slammed a 2-run HR, a run scoring triple and a double to boot, when all that was needed was a love tap in any direction. But standing in his way and ultimately foiling a date with destiny was St. Aubin, who unabashedly ended the game with a 2 run single, increasing the scoring margin to 15 runs, by rule ending the game and with it the dream of a Ries. Unable to face reality, a disbelieving Pauly stood for hours at home plate long after the team celebration ended, long after the field lights darkened the cold night. From a distance far, far away, the whimpered pleadings of a lonely man to nobody in particular saturated the otherwise peaceful Lakewood streets: “Pitch the ball! Pleeeeeease! Pitch the ball!”

Silence of the Horn – Back in the day, the time honored tradition of “around the horn” was commonplace among the Conundrum diamond. During the reign of Satriano-Tomey from 1998-2006, the practice was executed to near perfection. The infield during those years racked up an impressive 98% error-free rate, mostly because the first basemen, Pat Sullivan/Brian Richie were not allowed to participate. But alas in recent years the infield doesn’t toot its horn much anymore. Satriano has retired, Tomey’s been relegated to 1B. The new infield regime, led by Tom Hody Doe Hodorff seems content to get the ball to the Conundrum hurler and bypass the “horn toss”. In a written statement, Hody was quoted as saying, “i don’t much care for this horn business. What if we overthrow it? Then what? If somebody wants to go around the horn, let them sail off the southern tip of Africa or get themselves a tuba. Around the horn? Not on my watch, mister.”

You’re One of Us Now – Week 4 saw the return of Jason “Lumbaritis” Emmot to the lineup after being sidelined last week with a bruised lower back injury. Prior to the game, Emwa and Tomey exchanged meds, sport crèmes and back-healing heat wraps. Later Emmot beamed with pride as he showed off an honorary pin Tomey presented him in the shape of a L5 disc. Em was also seen leaving the parking lot with this bumper sticker on his vehicle:

Ray Bradbury, Eat Your Heart Out - Sean “The Raconteur” Butcher concludes his weekly telling of The Abduction, by turning the already snooze-worthy plot into an anti-climactic calamity. In the final excerpt released by TWICS Publications (you’ve had enough, we’ve had enough, let’s move on), Chapter 3’s “Take Me To Your Leader” chronicles Sean’s encounters with the alien beings. Sean writes: “I was held for over 3 hours, primarily because of the delayed arrival of the one translator in the entire galaxy who was familiar with Wheat Ridge English.” In the end, the alien beings realized Butcher’s talents were limited to remedial card counting, underhand tossing of spherical objects, and buying/selling products on eBay. Subsequently he was released behind a local Circle K. In order to ensure they didn’t abduct him a second time, the men from the Andromeda Quadrant branded him with the mark of Earthly unworthiness, otherwise known as three dots on the ankle.

For further reading, see The Abduction, due to arrive in bookstores later this century.

Next Week’s Featured Article: Come one, come all, the fun continues when Tomey attempts to catch a record 50 pennies off his elbow. Be there when the Puzzler skipper tries to make cents of it all. Free admission for children under 5. (Please do not attempt this at home.)