Week 9 @ Swingers

Conundrums 10
Swingers 7 (8 innings)

Attendance: 2
Year to date: 14

Conundrums Take 8 Innings to Win 7th Straight, and Season Series Against the Swingers

Lakewood, CO (TP) – The Conundrums once again lived up to their name Monday night at Lakewood Park. After jumping out to a less than impressive 6-0 lead, the Puzzlemen watched the Swingers make an incredible comeback to tie the game at 7’s in the bottom of the 7th.

But those lucky 7’s eventually proved fortuitous for the Conundrums. With the rally caps on their opponents heads, and the momentum going against them, the Puzzlers (unlike the US Men’s Soccer team against Ghana) mustered enough mustard in the extra stanza to take a 10-7 lead that they refused to relinquish.

Golden Gloves: The Conundrums once again proved that Championships are won with defense, flashing their gloves amongst the 12” tall grass, and knotty infield. Tom, Paul and Bob (yeah even Bob) each made incredible running, over-the-shoulder catches to rob the Swinger's swingers. Bob admitted after the game that his catch was sheer luck. “I was terrified,” said Bob. “All I could think of was Eddie running headlong into the right field fence, and picturing multiple butterfly bandages on my beautiful face. To be honest, I closed my eyes and fate take over.”

Eddie The Ham: Coach Tomey rewards Fast Eddie’s hot bat with a move up in the batting order. Eddie rewards coach by pulling his hamstring. To Eddie's credit, he apologized for the hammy pull, promising a more disciplined stretching regimen in future contests. Will the great experiment continue? Only the shadow knows.

Manny Corpas: In the bottom of the last inning with a comfortable two run lead, and a man on first, Starting/Closing pitcher Dale St. Aubin did his best Manny Corpas impression, serving up an ill advised “fast” ball which subsequently left the park to tie the game at 7’s. Said Dale, “Eddie called for a hanging slider. In hindsight, I should have taken his advice.”

Chocolateversy: The TWIX Crunchchocolaty Award was subject to debate this week, as Tom (4-5, RBI) snuck off with his second coach’s MVP nod of the season over weekly runner-up Brandon (3-4, RBI, SF). Tom justified his nomination by saying, “Let’s fact it, Sacrifice Flies are for sissies.”

MIA: Brubaker and Batt (a/k/a “the 2Bs) wandering the high country on secret highway and water theft expeditions. Wilcoxen takes mysterious leave of absence, leaving team hoping that Butcher’s aliens didn’t abduct Ryan too.

Tomey to High Country: Singing a John Denver tune in his head, and thinking about growing a “Mountain Vacation Beard”, Bob shirks off his weekly TWICS duties to an unprepared Emwa. Said the skipper, “To be fair, I won’t have time for the TWICS this week. Criticizing Atlas Shrugged on the banks of a high mountain lake, is at least a 7 day effort.”

Race for the Title: With their 7th win in a row, the Conundrums maintained their share of 1st place with the next opponent, and recipient of an early season 23-8 drubbing by the ‘Drums, the Fat Old Men. Not to stir up any controversy or anything, but the team should be aware that the F.O.M. are advertising the matchup as “Get Revenge on Those Beatches Night”.

Week 8 Vs. The Crush

June 21, 2010

Crush 13
Conundrums: 23 (6 Innings)

Attendance: 1

Year To Date Attendance: 12


STREAK OVER!
Ries Consecutive Hit Parade Stopped At 15, Q-Markers Roll To 6^th Straight Win

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – It was a historic night at the corner of Alameda and Kipling. Not because the Conundrums rolled to their 6^th straight win, drubbing the Crush 23-13, which they did. Not because their margin of victory was by 10 or more runs for the 5^th consecutive time, which it was. Not because they finally own a share of 1^st place in the Lakewood Leisure League Standings with the Fat Old Men loss earlier in the evening, but they do. No, history was made on this the first day of summer when Puzzler sophomore Paul Ries finally failed to record a hit on his first AB, grounding out on a sad 6-3 play in the 1^st inning, thus ending his extraordinary hit streak at 15 that spanned the previous 4 games. After making his first out in 4 games, Conundrum SS Tom Hodorff applauded Pauly’s feat and implored his mates to do likewise. In his second AB, Ries failed to reach base again, prompting widespread panic - reminiscent of HG Wells’ War of The Worlds - that Ries was suddenly in a slump. Order was quickly restored when the “cool as the other side of the pillow” Iowa cornfield native recovered in his next three AB’s with a single, 2bagger and triple. Coach Bob Tomey plans on holding a brief ceremony later this season and awarding Ries with an honorary TWIX candy bar in appreciation for the young phenom’s feat. As the façade, er face of the Q-Markers says, “there can be no better tribute than crunchoclaty goodness wrapped in the symbol of this fabled franchise.” Uh boy.

Crush Scare? – The Conundrums game plan followed standard operating procedures, kept to the script with another of their patented 1^st inning bursts, zapping the Crush with a 7-spot, but then sputtering in the second and third stanzas, thus leaving a crack in the door. In their top half of the 3^rd, thanks in part to some uncharacteristically sloppy Mystery Boys’ defense, the Crush stormed through with an 8-run counterinsurgency and suddenly the ‘drums found themselves in a pickle of dill proportions and down 12-7. But as usual, the team responded with consecutive rallies in the 4^th and 5^th innings. By the time they took to the bats in their half of the 6^th, they wasted no time with a “tap-in” run, ending the game with yet another game-shortened 10 run rout and in the process, sending the de-carbonated Crush home fizzling.

Butchered At The Plate – With Sean “Zero to 60 in 60 Minutes” Butcher sitting on 2B in the 5^th frame with the potential knockout run, Eddie Layton singles up the middle setting up a dramatic play at the plate. Say what you will about the basement dwelling Crush, their scouting report on the “less than speedy” Sean was spot on. With no sense of urgency at all, the journey of the ball from center field took a leisurely path to the shortstop to the left fielder, to the first baseman to a woman walking her dog, over to the Crush pitcher and so on and so forth…finally after a record 12 cutoff relays, the ball was mercifully rolled to the catcher who applied the tag on the sprinting Butcher for the 3^rd out of the inning. Said a clearly disappointed Seanie: “I wanted to try out the old hip-first slide I’d been practicing in my backyard, but those guys (Crush fielders) got the ball so quickly to the plate, I realized it was futile. All I can do is tip my cap.”

4 Outs Are Better Than 3 – With one out in the 6^th, runners on 1^st/2^nd, 2Bagger Tomey snags a liner, then calmly tosses to SS Tom Hodorf at the bag to double off the wandering Crusher, thus ending the inning. For some inexplicable reason we may never know the truth behind, Hody Do, perhaps carried away in the moment, decides “3 ain’t enough”, fires over to a salivating Butcher at 1^st in an apparent triple play that never was. In their bogus glee, Hodorff and Butcher did everything from the high five, low five, tummy slam, and happy dance. When the celebration morphed into a Russian waltz, the home plate ump chief said enough was enough and had them physically removed from the field for their own safety.

Batt and Emwa vacationing – While the Conundrums were working hard Monday night, it did not go unnoticed that Daniel Batt and Jason Emmot were off on separate but equal vacations. Emmot notified club officials his intent to visit San Diego California where he promptly dropped off his kids and wife Carey at SeaWorld, then disappeared presumably over to Pub Row, catching various World Cup matches, while enjoying a pint or two. Emwa made quite a few friends when he led bar patrons to a rousing rendition of The “Farmer and the Dell”. But he went too far: he had them at “the farmer takes a wench” but when he pulled out a vuvuzela he so offended the locals he was kindly asked to leave in peace. Batty on the other hand, who has not seen playing time for some 4 odd weeks, had a much more peaceful escape. Now somewhere in the black mining hills of Dakota there lived a young boy named Rocky Raccoon, one day his woman ran off…hang on, that’s a fab 4 song. Sorry, no clue where Dan went.

Crunchoclaty Jabber – Tim Doherty earns his first coach’s MVP tasty treat of the season. In a year where the Asphalt Painting Czar has seen a drop-off in his numbers, that crunchy, chocolaty caramel cookie sweetens some of the bitter taste…meanwhile over at the hot corner, rookie Brandon Casey has yet to get a sniff of the Coach’s cruchoclaty bar. After a slow start, Casey has picked up his game over the last 3 games and shows promise of one day taking home the coveted snack of Conundrums. No Puzzler rookie has ever gone an entire season without winning a game MVP. Is the rook feeling the heat? Hard to tell, he won’t stop sweating long enough to ask him... Meanwhile, perhaps the best player not to taste the award this year must be former “Can ‘o Corn Kingpin”, Ryan “Pop In His Bat” Wilcoxen. Wilky shrugs off the snub, saying he’s only happy he can contribute to the team’s success. Says “Faux Pas” Ryan, “Hey, there’s no ‘E’ in Team” Right. And there’s no “I” in eye.

Team Photo Night Coming Soon To a Lakewood Park Near You: It’s that magical time of the year when the flowers smell sweeter, the infield dirt looks dirtier, the beers taste draughtier. Yes folks, it’s Team Photo Night and it’s happening next Monday right after the Conundrums take on the Swingers. Don’t miss the fun when the team stands still, says cheese (as opposed to cutting it) and smiles to the candid camera in their tidy whiteys. Team officials expect that now that legendary Mark Satriano has retired, the number of photo takes should fall off significantly thus saving the team hundreds of dollars in photographer expenses. Come one, come all!

Week 7 - At F.O.P. Dawgs

June 7, 2010

Conundrums: 15
F.O.P. Dawgs 4 (5 Innings)


Attendance: 3 (Avg Age = 11.3)
Year To Date Attendance: 11
One Year Comparison to 2009: +22%

Who Let the Dawgs Out?
Puzzlers Avenge Opener Loss, Cruise to 5th Straight

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - Ever since the Conundrums disappointing loss to the once formidable FOP Dawgs on Opening Day, the Puzzlers marked June 7 on their mysterious calendar. That day of reckoning came Monday night. The Q-Markers, coming off the required Memorial Holiday break hotter than ever, proceeded to punish/pound the K-9's, then sent them howling back to the doghouse. Any questions that the Conundrums would come off the bye week with a letdown were refuted instantly when Dale St. Aubin's 3-run jack fueled a 1st inning 6-run barrage. As with the previous 3 games, the first inning ambush set the pace for another anticlamatic finish. But St. Aubin wasn't the only star to shine in that potent Conundrum lineup. He had plenty of help with 3fer3 performances by "Lonesome" Dave Brubaker, Eric "The Waterboy, Part II" Swanson, Paul "The Streaker" Ries, and Ryan "Where'd He Come From" Wilcoxen. The Puzzlers teased their new arch nemesis until the 5th when a 7 run explosion buried the Dawg bones for good. St. Aubin returned to the hill after a three week hiatus and allowed one earned run, improving his record to 4-0 as he continues to befuddle the league with that patented backspin cutter. It was the 5th straight win for The Conundrums and 4th straight by 10 or more runs. Pending the late outcome of the Fat Old Men contest, the win keeps the 'drummers within striking distance of the top of the Lakewood E League heap.

Streak Watch - With his 3fer3 hit performance Monday, Ries improved his record hit streak to 15 consecutive AB's. The Dawgs attempted to rile the cool-mannered Ries on his final AB by forcing the Iowa native to take a walk on the wild side. But with the count 3-0, Ries purposely fanned at ball four then proceeded to drive the next pitch off the left field fence, thus preserving his cycle of perfection over the last 4 games. Pauly's hot-hitting exploits have garnered national attention as media hounds from across the land flock to Lakewood Park to see the "Freak with a Stick" perform his super human feats. ESPN reportedly recalled 3 of its FIFA World Cup correspondents from Johannesburg this week because as one source, who requested anonymity said, "you can watch a bunch of guys kick the ball around every four years, but this? This is a once in a lifetime thing."

Conundrum Martyr, Or Scapegoat? – Bearing the brunt of Coach Tomey's humanistic fielding strategies is never easy, and nobody suffers that burden more than Tim "The Utilitarian" Doherty. Skip walked a slippery slope with his "Fairness in Fielding Doctrine" by inserting Doherty at SS in place of starter Tom "Scooter-ino" Hodorff in the 1st inning of last night's affair. The strategy backfired as the Dawgs attacked often and hard with a steady diet of zingers one after another at Doherty, aka "the Conundrum Without a Home". The Dawgies scored three times while Timmy fought the assault bravely, but with his glove literally in tatters, eventually he had to pull out his mostly-white hanky and waved it gallantly before they called off the Dawgs. The Conundrums survived "The Massacre Up The Middle" but speculation abounded after the game that the move may have cost Tomey Coach of The Year. Jason "Sharp As An Earlobe" Emmot reminded all that "he's the only one in the running, we're stuck with him, now deal with it." Upon hearing this, the embattled Diamond Director made peace that this was as close to a vote of confidence he'll ever get.

They Said It:
"He runs like a bad toilet" - Jason Emmot describing Eric Swanson's persistent running prowess after hitting a triple.
"I went hitless tonight because there's nobody to protect me in the order" - Bob Tomey after going 0-3. Sean Butcher would later kick himself for not coming up with the quote first.

Rebels Without a Cause - Sean Butcher, Bob Tomey, Eddie Layton lobby hard, then fail to pass a referendum that would eliminate batting statistics from being recorded "ever, ever, ever" again. The proposal known as a "Batting Average to Nowhere" fails to garner enough team support to allow for a formal vote. Said Butcher: "I knew when Wilky didn't bite, we were dead in the water." Although their motives are purely speculative, it's safe to conjecture that the fact that they went a combined 0-8 Monday night may have contributed to the failed stats coup. In a final footnote, the "Big 3 of Zero" agreed to change their names until further notice to their porno alter ego: "Beau Chase" (Butch), "Sophie Whitcomb" (Tomey), "Snoopy West 67nd Avenue" (Fast Eddie)

Get Yer Mr. Potato Head Outta My Face! He's the youngest heckler to come along in softball circles since Nancy "The Embryo" tormented Wichita umpires from the womb of Bertha Bazunga during her last two trimesters in 1973. Monday night, little Dale St. Aubin Jr., all of 2 and a half years old came out swinging after the Conundrums' big win. Junior, known for his vile tongue as the Conundrums Bench Coach, took exception to a number of "questionable" calls from home plate ump, Billy "The Bull" Shamalaya during the Dawg contest. While the Conundrums' hurling battery duo, Dale and Fast Eddie Layton were conducting their weekly post-game pitch selection review, Junior Aubin strayed from daddy to settle a personal score with The Bull while umping the Wing Men/Swinger game. From behind the backstop, Tiny Aubbie heckled Billy to no end, referring to him with some rather unflattering epithets and making references to his mother in an equally unkindly manner. Witnesses allege Junior's words were incomprehensible (his baby teeth have not come in yet) but his nasty tone was unmistakable. The game was delayed for 10 minutes while Father Dale dragged his kicking/screaming offspring away. Shamalaya gave the youngster the boot, making him the youngest heckler to be removed from Lakewood Park. The commissioner's office is reviewing the case to determine the extent of any fines and further sanctions.

I Said 'Hold The Cockroaches'! Ever since he walked into his first Perkins Restaurant with his high school sweetheart after their senior prom, Brandon Casey dreamed of opening his own "greasy spoon". The Puzzler rookie recalled how he was mesmerized observing the kichy kitchen banter between cook and busboy and the manager's warm greeting to every patron who walked through the door. He turned to Betsy and said, "Bets, take a good look at that guy, someday that's gonna be me." Ten years and three bankruptcies later, the hotshot Conundrums 3rd sacker finally made good on his promise, opening his first fine dining eatery on the corner of 6th and Federal, complete with bullet proof glass. Westword named "Brandon Casey's" the "best place in Denver to grab a burger, while watching the ambulances scurrying to and fro "Denver General". Hats off to Brandon from all of us at Conundrum Central.



Next Week: Take a nap, then come on out, catch the 9:15 late nighter, stay up with the 'drums as they look for their 6th straight 'V" and even the score with Popo's Bloopers - tell your mother, your father, your sister, your brother, your mistress, your parole officer, tell 'em all!