Games 15 and 16 - vs. Rusty Machine, Ralphies

1st Game

Rusty Machine 20
Conundrums 7 (5 Innings)

2nd Game
Ralphies 20
Conundrums 15

Attendance: 1
Season Total: 25

Back Door Champions!
Puzzlers Swept Away In Season Finale, But Ralphie Loss Clinches 2nd Straight Title

2011 Leisure League Champions
Front Row: Dave Brubaker, Blue Brubaker, Jason Emmot, Paul Ries, Tim Doherty, Ed Layton
Back Row: Ryan Wilcoxen, Dale St. Aubin, Eric Swanson, Bob Tomey, Tom Hodorff, Sean Butcher, Dan Batt
Not Pictured: Brandon Casey

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - 'Twas nothing short of ugly, but years from now who will notice that the Conundrums back-doored their way to their 2nd straight Leisure League championship. The Puzzlers lost 3 of their final 4 games of the season, including a Monday night doubleheader sweep to their biggest Leisure League rivals, Rusty Machine and The Ralphies. But thanks to a 20-15 loss at the hands of The Rebels, in game 1 of their twin-bill, the Ralphies were eliminated, thus clinching the title for the Conundrums, who suffered a crushing loss to Rusty Machine, 20-7 in the opener. The Ralphies' loss produced an anti-climactic, irrelevant final matchup, allowing the Posers to go forward with their 3rd annual Random Game, now a tradition for the final game of the season. Unfortunately, the Conundrums looked anything but champions in either game, exhibiting their worst defensive showing of the season. Add to boot, a steady stream of baserunning gaffes against Rusty and the evening spelled disaster with a capital "D". By securing the league title, the 'drums assured themselves of no less than a #3 seed for the annual post-season tournament to be held Sunday, August 28. But coach Bob Tomey, who removed himself during the first game against Rusty due to lower back pain was emphatic as he commented on the team's performance: "That was brutal. I'm in a lot of pain right now and it has nothing to do with my back." The Mystery Boys won their first Leisure tourney last year, thanks to 3 near miracle comeback wins. With the club ending the season on a low note, heading into the Sunday tournament, it's time once again to find a mountain peak, summon the softball gods and pray for devine intervention.

Emmot Launchpad - It's been a record year for team HR-O's this year. Nothing typified this more after Jason "DC Power" Emmot slammed three meaningless balls over Field #2's fences in the DH opener against Rusty. Just back from his unathorized vacation in Cabo, the refreshed Littleton resident set a single game record with 3 HR-O's Monday. Fittingly, Emwa crushed the ball like the Machine crushed the Conundrums - early and often. Fellow Puzzler Bash Brother Dale St. Aubin was as impressed as anyone and publicly challenged Emmot to an HR-O Derby. TP calls to Jason's agent requesting comment were not immediately returned.

Pleased To Meet Me - Something was rotten in the park of Lakewood Monday and it had nothing to do with Conundrum jerseys that have escaped a washing machine this summer. No, the foul malodor was coming from the Rusty bench that was allegedly laced with ringers. How else can one explain why there were a surplus of Rustys in a season where the Machine has strugged to pull together a a full team game in and game out this year. Puzzler players smelled a rat when Rustys were observed introducing themselves to each other. Despite Paul Ries' appeal to coach Tomey, the Conundrums declined to file a protest with the League office, given the team's proud tradition and commitment to "gentlemenly sportsmanship". Ries was given an Old Chub in hopes the acrid brew would elicit an acid reflux reaction, thus diverting his attention from the matter.

Moon Over Lakewood Park - Scientists blame Conundrums' near season collapse on full moon Monday night

Curses To The Accused! - The 2nd game Crunchoclaty MVP award was given to Emwa, mostly for his grand slam HR, the only legitimate one of 4 he launched this evening that amounted to a hill of beans. But controversy again reared her/his/its ugly head when Tomey correctly guessed the random number 2 known only to Dan Batt lady friend, Debbie during the Random Game MVP selection. Eric "TWIX-Deprived" Swanson objected vehemently and accused Tomey and Deb of plotting some wicked conspiracy while both were observing the game from the Conundrum bleachers. "This is an outrage", said the outraged Swanny. "I demand an inquisition!" added the inquisitive Eric. The Puzzler Skipper dismissed such senseless charges as "dismissive" and insensible". While the evidence offered by Swanson remains circumstantial at best, these circumstances have brought out the worst in all of us.

Mirror TWIXES: Above, coach Tomey presents Emmot with Game 2 Crunchoclaty, Right, Emmot presents Tomey with Random Crunchoclaty. Uh, maybe....maybe it's Tomey getting Random Crunchoclaty above, Em on right?...... Hmmm

I'm Not Really a Hody Agent, But I Play One In TWICS Life - In appreciation of the Rebels knocking off the Ralphies, Coach Tomey offered Old Chubs for each Reb. Oddly, Tomey's kind offer of the tasteless, er tasty Scottish Ale was rebuked by one Rebel, who many will recall years ago was the victim of a brutal slide attack by then Poser rookie Tom Hodorff, known globally as "Hody Do". After four separate but equal knee surgeries to repair the torn miniscule bisicuous ligament, the Rebel man spent the next few years fighting his way back to the leisure league level he aspired to since his late 30's. Tomey, recognizing that even a premium piss-ale the quality of Chub would be an insult, offered Reb-man a lifetime 50% discount on all Handy Hody home improvement services (while supplies last). When the deal was happily consummated, Tomey informed Hody of the obligation by text mail one hour after Tom departed from the ballpark.

Week 13 - vs. Our Bats, Your Balls, vs. Maptek T-Bones

Our Bats, Your Balls 13
Conundrums 8

Maptek T-Bones 6 (4 Innings
Conundrums 24
Attendance: 8
Season Attendance To Date: 24

After 6 takes, the MVP award for games 1 and 2 were finally recorded;

Coach awards Game 1 Crunchoclaty to Paul Ries, Game 2 MVP nod goes

to Ed Layton. Lesson learned: Never give camera to mohito-challenged

photographer.

11's Enough!

OBYB End 'drums' Streak; Maptek Drubbing in Nightcap Cuts Magic # to 1

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - The Puzzler woes on cavernous Field #1 continued Monday night as the team failed to clinch the Leisure League title. With a dreary performance in the first game of a doubleheader, the Conundrums fell to Our Bats, Your Balls - or OBYB in shorthand-speak - by a 13-8 margin. The FOP Dawgs were requested to issue an APB for the offense and defense as both of these typical Conundrum traits were MIA. The loss snapped the Conundrums’ 11 game win streak, but the Posers rebounded with some dignity in the second game as they buried Maptek “Give That Dog Some” T-Bones 24-6, avenging their opening game loss to the Tekkies. The split reduced the magic number to clinch the league title down to 1. With 2 games left in the Leisure circuit, the ‘drums need to take 1 game or require the Ralphs to lose 1 of 2. The Puzzlers square off with the Ralphies in the season finale, the second contest of another doubleheader next Monday evening.

No Field of Dreams – They built it, but the Conundrums didn’t want to come. Lakewood Park’s Field #1 has been a source of grief for the franchise whenever forced to make up games there. Just why the team suffers on the big field remains a conundrum. On the bright side, the scoreboard is 37% functional, which is a big plus for our inebriated fans who wish to track the game in between shots of mohitos.

Go Team Go! (Burrrp!) The Puzzlers set a new record for single game attendance when eight patrons packed the stands. The crowd was as spirited as you’ll ever see. The rowdies, fueled by mohitos, were in a cheering mood, even when the Conundrums were going down in flames in the first game. It was difficult to determine at times whom the Mohito Mauraders were rooting for. When Ryan Wilcoxen mysteriously muffed a routine pop fly, the drunken patrons were heard screaming “yeah Ryan!. Way to go, dude!” It was the first time anyone can remember the home crowd requesting a player curtain call for dropping a ball. Never one to disappoint, Wilky gladly tipped his hat to the appreciating crowd on his way back to the dugout. (Or was that his middle finger?)

After 12 games, Puzzler fans finally show up in (loud) droves; Puzzler Rooter celebrates Paul Ries grand slam by chugging home-made prune juice brew; Former Conundrum Mark Satriano shares a cordial moment with Ryan Wilcoxen as amused Eric Swanson looks on.

Son Of Eddie? A funny thing happened on Eddie’s way to scoring Monday. The veteran Conundrum did what every hard-nosed catcher does to his counterpart: “Pudge” Layton lowered his scapula and nearly decapitated the Maptek backstabber, er backstopper, ala Buster Posey. Eddie was heard as far away as Field #3 rounding third base, screaming, “this one’s for Buster, you turkey!” Nobody knew what drove Eddie to near madness, but then the same may be asked of the Boston Strangler for weeping very softly, er for crying out loud.

When Bad Boys Go Good - Mark it down – Monday night was the first week in ages that no Conundrum experienced a run-in with either the umpiring crew or opposing team – gone were Ryan Wilcoxen-like rants, absent were the Dale St Aubin dag-nab expletives, lacking were the Sean Butcher beer-guzzling game-consumptions that led to the heave and a ho. Have the Mysterians lost their edge, shedding that Broadstreet Bully mantra in favor of the bible-thumping soft-spoken Colorado Rockies? Seriously...it’s not a rhetorical question.

The Old Emwa And The Sea - Many blame the team’s loss to OBYB on the absence of team BA leader, Jason “Club Med” Emmot, whose only objective while vacationing in the sands of Cabo this week was to snare a 55 pound giggling marlin. What makes this piece so peculiar is that the Gigglin Marlin is actually a bar & grille in downtown Cabo. And that’s no laughing matter (with apologies to deep-sea fishing aficionados everywhere)

Hat Thievery Is A Felony Where I Come From: And finally, if anyone knows the whereabouts of Coach Tomey’s sweat-soaked Conundrum ball cap, please return it to the team’s Lost ‘n Found receptacle located at the far end of the outside foyer near the edge of the parking lot next to the park’s dumpster. The perpetrator will not be castigated, although there is no guarantee that the fiend will escape un-castrated.

Week 12 - at Classic Metals

Conundrums 25
Classic Metals 1 (3 Innings)
Attendance: 2
Season Attendance To Date: 16

Heavy Metal Thunder!
Conundrums Smash Metals in Classic Fashion – Magic Number at 2

Ryan Wilcoxen Lends Coach Tomey his ear after winning this week's
MVP Crunchoclaty Award: 4-4, 3 RBI's, 2B (2)...He found the missing
pen, dang it!

LAKEWOOD PARK (TP) A monsoon blew across Lakewood Park’s rickety Field #2 Monday night and it had nothing to do with the weather. After a quiet 1st inning, the Conundrum bats stormed the hapless Classless Metals with a barrage of ceaseless hail, producing 25 runs in 2 innings, by far the most productive span of offense ever produced in the club’s fairy tale history. After the corroded Metals miraculously managed to eek out one run in the bottom 3rd stanza, the game was mercifully called in a 25-1 massacre that would make a Chicago slaughterhouse shudder. With the game in hand, Conundrum starting hurler, Dale St Aubin was texting the stars of “American Idol”, “The Bachelor”, and “Keep Your Poodle Off My Schnauzer, Or Else!” in between pitches. It was nolo contendere from the get-go. The Ralphies suffered their 3rd straight loss and they now trail the Conundrums by 3 games with 4 to play bringing the magic number to repeat down to 2 games.

I’m Afraid I’m Going To Have To Ask You To Leave – Sensing his calling to lead the team in a category other than career strikeouts, Sean “The Chosen One” Butcher gets the heave ho from the home plate ump for consuming a cold brew during the game. The toss out was the second in Butcher’s stormy softball career, thus bestowing the Wheat Ridge inhabitant as the undisputed all-time team leader in game ejections. Sean, never one to hold a grudge, offered the home plate ump a post-game PBR to show no hard feelings. They killed off the remainder of the 12-pack amid a new kinship then stumbled over to nearby Hooters where they were asked to leave after inciting a wing-ding fight. Two ejections in one night? All in all, it was a pretty good evening.

Clean It Up, Buddy Once Butcher was expelled, St. Aubin became the next target. The feisty father of two boys lost his composure after a questionable pitch went the hitter’s way. Aubbie glared in at the umpire, exclaiming “dang it!” but luckily was only given a warning. Any further use of profanity such as “darn”, “shoot”, “gosh”, “blasted”, “doggone” and “shucks” and Aubbie would suffer the same fate as Butchy. When “Filthy Mouth” Dale responded with “oh for crying out loud”, the puritanical officiator told him he was skating on thin ice. Team officials vowed to “talk” to Dale, advising him to refrain from hanging out with truck drivers going forward.

You Can’t Put a Price On a Bic: Coach Tomey loses the official Team pen, causing panic and mayhem. Eddie Layton offers up a cheap knock-off used exclusively for his personal grocery lists. Initially Tomey scoffs. Sure it works for documenting foodstuff items, but how can it stand up to the scribbling rigors of a softball scorebook? Hastily, the skip puts aside his hubris and accepts Eddie’s offer. Ah but the second-hand pen fails to inspire Puzzler hitters and the team racks up blanks in the first inning. Fortunately, Ryan “Sherlock Holmes” Wilcoxen discovers the official pen, and once re-commissioned, the Poser offensive siege begins in earnest in the 2nd/3rd frames. Contrary to popular belief, it was not Wilky’s 4-4 performance that secured his rise to Crunchoclaty glory. Rather it was his heroic rescue of the little ink-filled receptacle that sealed the deal.

The Write Pen: Official Conundrum Pen - Don't Score Games without it.

Judge Judy’s a Whore! Jason “Litigious” Emmot is presented the five M & M’s from Coach Tomey in the out of court settlement that nearly rocked the blissful Puzzler family. While they agreed to disagree over the meaning of dandies and gems, Tomey and Emmot agreed to allow slumbering canines to remain still. The five M&M award was the largest legal payout from the Posers since 2002 when the club agreed to compensate Donnie Baker with a case of pork rinds after he was unceremoniously given a team pink slip. To this day, Baker is unwavering that he got the better of the deal.

He Never Side Steps An Issue Tom “Oopsie” Hodorff single-handedly revives the Batting Error (BE) stat after being called out in the 3rd inning for stepping out of the batter’s box prematurely. As a result of Tom’s accomplishment, the Conundrums will rename the BE in his dishonor. TWICS Pubs is proud to be the first to announce the renaming of the “BE” to the “Double H” (Hody-Ho). Some people like to think outside the box, Hody chooses to step outside one. Bravo Tom!

Are You Flipping Kidding Me? In a nod to Random Night, the lopsided score allowed outfielders to switch roles with the regular infield crew. The boys didn’t disappoint as the game ended with a Wilky to Ries to Brubaker twin killing DP. Aubbie was relieved by Brandon “Rolaids” Casey who came into the game to protect a 24 run lead. Brandon shut down the Metals and was pleased with his overall performance despite a few butterflies. “I was a little nervous” said the 2nd year Puzzler. “I wasn’t used to coming into a game with such a short lead”.

Week 10: At The Ralphies

Conundrums 12
Ralphies 6
Attendance: 4
Season Attendance to Date: 14

Ralphies Can’t Solve the Puzzle
Conundrums Dominate Upchucks, Take 2-Game Lead In Leisure Stretch Run

Tim Doherty accepts his second Crunchoclaty of year, going an astounding 5-5 but it was his leadership directing outfield traffic that sealed the deal - his presence is commanding.

LAKEWOOD, CO RAY ROSS PARK (TP) In the last of 2 games played at Ray Ross Park this season, the game of the year won’t exactly be remembered as a TWICS classic, but was nonetheless a well played affair that was equally entertaining. The Conundrums walked away with a convincing 12-6 win over the Ralphies who entered the game just ½ game behind the league leading Puzzlers. Despite playing minus the services of key full time employees, Jason “BBQ” Emmot, David “Late Nite in Kiowa” Brubaker, and part time worker, Dan “Turf-Toe Gout” Batt, the Puzzlers led all the way - from start to finish if you will (because sometimes you won’t). After the Posers jumped out to an early 1st inning 4-0 spurt, the Ralphs fought back, chiseling away at the lead until the 4th inning when they narrowed the gap to 7-6. But some timely hitting in some key situations at the most opportunistic moments by the most unlikely candidates in a world full of shimmy sham on a day leathered with heat exhaustion allowed the Mystery Boys to pull away and batten down the hatches on the frustrated Ralphs, who later went on to be upset by the once mighty Maptek T-Bones. The double loss dropped the Ralphies (8-3) two games back of the Posers, while 3rd place Rusty Machine (7-4) dropped their contest to the FOP Dawgs. They now trail the Conundrums by a shocking 3 games. This leaves the Puzzle Heads (10-1) clearly in the driver’s seat for a possible league repeat. As they say in the sports cliché’ biz, “it’s theirs to lose”.

Stone’s Throw from a TWIX – Emmot, on hiatus in Kansas City, allegedly conducting “phony” business with his new CenturyLink compadres, attempts to become the first non-participating MVP Crunchoclaty recipient by instructing ‘drums’ pitching ace, Dale St. Aubin to throw another gem as the key to stifling the Ralphies. Indeed, Aubbie pitched a typical great game allowing just 6 runs. Emmot followed the game, inning by inning via the first ever streaming text messaging as communicated by Tomey’s better half, wife Holly “Teacher, Teacher” Tomey. Upon learning of the outcome, Em, sitting in a KC bar, jumped for joy (spilling his pint of Speights Pale Ale in the process), exclaiming, “a gem on my counsel, the TWIX is mine, mine, mine!” Ah but not so fast Broadband Jason. Technically Aubbie threw a “dandy”, not a “gem”. Emmot cried foul and threatened legal action, citing precedent law in Jim Dandy vs. Gem Crow” (1966). The dispute was settled out of Kangaroo Court when Tomey promised Em five pieces of M&M’s upon his return to the team next week.

“I Can Take A Ribbing As Well As The Next Guy” – in déjà vu fashion, Tomey once again gets hung out to dry when 3B coach Aubin sends “Scooter” home on a Sean Butcher single, only to be cut apart from Ralphies’ bulldog catcher known only as “Tank”. Tomey, expecting to score easily, barrels into the Tank who applies the tag while crushing the same rib cage that was shattered 8 years prior when Mark Satriano sent the battered player/coach down the river in a similar incident. Talking to reporters afterwards, Butcher was asked how the coach was feeling: “Terrible! That S.O.B. cost me an RBI…..Oh you meant Bob!”

His Hero Was Curt Gouty: Know this! Hideously deformed toes are not your friends! Influenced by the grossly misshapen toe in the J. Emmot-authored article in the 7/11 TWICS (TP will never show it again on these pages), Dan Batt worries that the self-diagnosed turf toe is actually a form of gout and hurries over to his Granby physician, Wendell Tu Boot. Dr. Tu Boot, who also acts as the town’s Court Bailiff, City Planner and Bingo Coordinator examined Dan and proclaimed the monstrous toe was indeed turf toe, not gout as feared. The good doctor did however caution Batt to lay off the bleached tripe and fried liver and stop reading the TWICS for 2-3 weeks minimum.

Layton’s Awakening: In his second straight appearance since conquering his sleeping sickness affliction, Eddie “Toss ‘n Turn” Layton puts on a masterful backstop show, chasing down not one, but two behind the plate popup snags. And if that wasn’t enough (it never seems to be), “Fast Eddie" added a 2-4 plate performance. To top it off, the man who resides in Lafayette also managed to stay awake long enough to witness the last out recorded. Yes, as we head down the stretch towards the final 5 games, “Fast Eddie” is in mid-season form. Tuck that under yer pillow!

I Don’t Always Play Ball, But When I Do…This week’s MVP crunchoclaty award goes out to Tim “Sporty” Doherty who shocks the free world with his 5-5 performance. But the clincher was Timmy’s artful leadership of the Conundrum outfield, directing players like a symphony director his orchestra, carefully barking out “Back! Back!”, “In! In!” then “Back!, no In!, I mean Ba-in!” to his mates. He so captivated his fellow outfielders that after one routine catch with nobody on, Ryan Wilcoxen asked him what base to throw to. On another sky-high fly to left, he once instructed Paul Ries to take 4 steps back, 3 steps in, do the Icky shuffle, perform 5 backward flips all while reciting the star spangled banner in the King’s English before finally catching the ball. Tim Doherty – he is the most interesting man in the outfield.

Week 9: At The Rebels

Conundrums 13
FOP Dawgs 2

Attendance: 4
Season Attendance To Date: 10

Riddlers Sack Rebs, Showdown With Ralphies Loom

MVP recipient Bob Tomey proudly accepts this week's Cruncholclaty after going 2fer2, including double, 2 runs scored and 2 RBI's to boot. After Tomey accepted the award from Bob Tomey, he broke down and cried. It was very uncomfortable.

LAKEWOOD, CO - Ray Ross Park (TP) In their first ever game away from the friendly confines of Lakewood Park Monday night, the Conundrums bats were as sizzling as the 95 degree game-time temps. Since 1998, the Conundrums/Vipers/Bombers have called the park at 6^th/Kipling “home sweet home”, but Monday night they journeyed to Ray Ross Park just a zip, zig and a zag away down yonder over and about Alameda/Harlan to decisively crush the Rebels 13-2. Named after the legendary pioneer of Lakewood stand up comedy (‘what’s the deal with harvest tomatoes anyway…”), Ray Ross Park was no laughing matter for the struggling Rebs. As has been customary during their current nine game winning streak, the Puzzler offense peppered the hapless Insurgents inning by inning until the 5^th stanza when the Radicals finally displayed their white flag thus ending the euthanasia affair. Dale “Stinky Finger” St. Aubin hurled another gem, blanking the Rebs for 4 and 2/3 innings until an errant throw from 2^nd string SS Paul “I’ve got a Gun and I’m Not Afraid To Use It” Ries sailed a mere 30 feet over 1-sacker Bob Tomey’s outstretched Wilson. The extra out allowed the Rebs to break through with 2 meaningless runs before they were extinguished. The win kept the ‘drums (9-1) a half game ahead of the Ralphies (8-1) and set up their anticipated showdown next Monday, again at RRP.

Thank you, Bob! You’re welcome, Bob! - Coach Tomey ignores pleas from loyal Tom Hody Do Hodorf supporters, and accepts recommendations from the Crunchoclaty Board of Electors (Tomey’s the only member) to award this week’s Crunchoclaty Award to….Bob Tomey. In scandalous fashion, coach Bob takes home his first MVP since June 2008 despite Hody’s 2fer2 and one Sac Fly, two dazzling 5^th inning catches in unfamiliar left field territory and promise to all Conundrums and their families for a 90% discount on all Handy-Hody in-home services. With caramel cookie crumbs dripping childishly from his chin, Tomey responded defiantly to criticism that the decision was self-serving: “Possession is 9/10ths of the Conundrum bylaws…now will somebody please bring me a napkin!” No statement was forthcoming from the Hody camp except to say he’s being forced out of the handyman business.

Aunt Swanny, is that you? Eric “Rubber Arm” Swanson’s 2nd base throw to 1B in the 2^nd frame literally floats over to an out-stretched Tomey, and beats Rebels’ slowest runner by a photo-finish hair. The feeble toss by Wisconsin’s favorite gouda incited several catcalls from the Conundrum outfield, including Ryan Wilcoxen who demanded to know why Swanson’s aunt Hester was allowed on the team. Tomey, pushing 51 and as brittle as petrified wood nearly pulled a hammy in the process. To reassure his detractors, Swanny vowed to start pumping 2 ounce weights going forward.

Pity For The Rebels? With the Conundrums clearly in control, St Aubin pulls a Mark Satriano and hints at letting up on the inept Rebels. To prove the point, the Riddler mound ace lobbies hard for former #1 pitcher Sean “Head Janitor” Butcher to relieve him on the hill. Butcher, who hasn’t pitched a game since 2010, declines, growling he’s not performing “mop-up work”, but adds hopefully: “if you need someone to underhand the ball, who better than Swanny?”. Editors Note: TWICS Pubs regrets the slanderous venom flung Swan Song’s way in this week’s edition, and will do everything to discourage such taunts in the future.

Score Me Some Barbs, Bro: Looking refreshed, Eddie “No-Doze” Layton fights off Sunday night sleep demons, making just his 3^rd appearance of the season. Asked how he was able to overcome his infamous sleep apnea, the son of a German chocolate cake baker responded cheerily: “one word: prescription drugs”. TWICS Pubs goes on record as stating that while the pills appear to hamper right brain activity associated with mathematical skills, there’s no denying he’s back in full force. The Conundrum catcher’s catlike scampers to the backstop were vigorous, the throws back to St Aubbie were purposeful and to top it off, “Medicated” Eddie notched his first hit of the season, thus raising his BA an astounding 200 points. Keep it up, Eddie! A special TWICS cudos to Eddie’s pharmacist, who we also congratulate for successfully fighting off 3 illegal drug laundering suits in the last 10 years!

Funny Guy, Brubey: Monday’s game produced a desperately needed shot in the arm to the Conundrum’s pitiful season attendance totals. The game’s virtual turnstile was busy this steamy evening as 4 patrons were on hand to witness the game, the second largest crowd this year. Attendance could have been larger but Conundrum leadoff hitter Dave “Sundance” Brubaker’s promise to recruit an additional 3.25 fans proved as shallow as it was empty. Brubey, admirer in his own right of Robert Redford films, arrived to the park empty handed. He later admitted there was no crew, no entourage, nothing. He fabricated the whole sick, twisted sham for his own personal glee. When nobody laughed at the prank, Diamond Dave was taken aback. “Sheesh, you’d think that I committed crimes against humanity.” Don’t mess with attendance, Dave. Don’t mess with attendance.
Injury Report: Turf Toe Dan Batt – out indefinitely – Breaking News from Batt’s Granby retreat: Dan’s turf toe recovery has been complicated by the gangrene infection taking center stage in the Water Treatment guru’s battle back to health (see TWICS, posted 7/11/11). The infection allegedly developed when Batt treated the turf toe wound with a can of WD-40. “I panicked”, said Dan from his bedroom compound. “I thought it was a bottle of bactine. Oh well, next time I’ll know.”

Week 8: Double-Header

Game 1:
Classic Metals 3
Conundrums 13

Game 2:
Conundrums 13
FOP Dawgs 11

Attendance: 0 (again)
Season Attendance To Date: 6

Puzzlers Claim a Pair

Run Win Streak to 8; Remain in 1st Place

Butcher winning his first Crunchchocolaty of the night. Nothing goes better with a TWIX than a PBR.


Sean claims TWIX number 2 on the night. Like a shark on blood, once Butcher tasted that sweet, sweet chocolate (with carmel and cookie center) nothing could stop him from winning another.

Lakewood, CO (TP) – All four games were played at Lakewood Park on Monday night, in what has been hailed as the first sound decision made by the Lakewood Parks and Rec department in over 27 years. Citing a carve out of the Force Majure clause in the team’s registration agreement, League Coordinator Chris “We have Nice Toilets” Lucas, insisted that the show must go on despite the danger of severe weather, lest the city be held liable for intentional contractual breach.

Nothing could budge the steely Lucas from achieving his objective. Not the threatening rainclouds hovering over the foothills like a leviathan ready to devour (or at least spit upon) its prey. Not the heavy precipitation that clearly rolled through the park earlier in the day. The waterlogged outfield complete with 12 inches of unmowed turf, and the muddy infield best suited for a swine sty, were summarily dismissed as inconsequential. Thus, the games were commenced, completed, and decided in spectacular fashion.

Game 1 vs Classic Metals: Had you told the team in advance that Sean Butcher would be the “MVP” of the game, it would have been assumed that the Conundrums lost in astonishing style. However, the Puzzlers effortlessly dismissed the last place metal workers 13-3 in a 5 inning contest. Aside from Butcher’s exploits at the plate, and Eric “Water Board” Swanson’s Holy (errr…holey) glove, nothing occurred during the contest to justify this author taking the time to document.

Game 2 @ FOP Dawgs: Had you told the team in advance that Sean Butcher would be the “MVP” of BOTH games, it would have been assumed that the remainder of the team was killed in a disastrous airplane crash, or had been inflicted with Layton Disease (Acute Alternating Narcoleptic Insomniatic Disorder). Nevertheless, the Puzzlers rallied late at the plate, and held tough defensively in the bottom of the 7th inning, to claim the nightcap 13-11. Thanks to his 3-3 performance (2 singles and a double?!?...are you kidding me?) the team has labeled Sean “Mr. July 11”. The team looks forward to the 2016 season to see if Sean can live up to his moniker.

The Motorvator: Citing a long held distrust for the men in blue, roving outfielder and #6 hitter Ryan goes on a near-criminal rampage during the nightcap against the Fraternal Order of Police Dawgs. Accusations of assault, slander, disorderly conduct, public exposure, pubic exposure, failure to wash hands, utilization of teammate as beer screen, ineffective chatter, deficient pronunciation, utilization of a glass container at a public park, wearing of nonstandard head coverings, possession of an unlicensed jet pack, and defamation (thankfully not defecation) were leveled by one, or more, onlookers. Ryan made amends by sheepishly apologizing to FOP Dawgs players, Conundrum teammates, and Chris “Our Restrooms also have Nice Sinks” Lucas before departing the complex.

Thankfully, Ryan also has a long running hatred for Rebels (next week’s opponent), which team brass expects will result in angelic-like attitude from Mr. Wilky during the July 18 contest.

Injury Report:
“Fast” Eddie Layton: Zzzzzzzzzzz mmmph zzzzzzzzzzzzz (snort)

Dan Batt: Turf Toe or some other made-up ailment.

* - May, or may not, be Dan's actual toe

Next Game:
Monday July 18 (6:15pm)
Ray Ross Park Field 1 (they have nice toilets with sinks)


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Week 7 Vs. Fat Old Men

Fat Old Men 20
Conundrums 23

Attendance: 1 (See Notes)
Season Attendance To Date: 6

Posers Hang On, Run Streak to 6

Team overcomes sloppy play in Late, Late Show Nail Biter

Doherty's 4-4 performance with 2 2B's overshadowed his fielding
debacle. Since nobody could recall when Tim last tasted crunchoclaty
caramel, his nomination for Week 7 MVP was not challenged and so
it shall be.

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, the Conundrums paid the highest compliment to the Fat Old Men Monday night. Just which dugout housed out of shape washed up players, anyhow? The Puzzlers fielding was defenseless, the pitching “flat-lined”, the base-running dumbfounding. Yet in spite of all the madness, those Mystery Kids on the Block managed to escape with a 23-20 thriller that kept the club tied with The Ralphies atop the Leisure League standings. Leading 22-11 in the 4^th inning, the ‘drums had an opportunity to put the Old men to bed early. But with two outs, Paul Ries couldn’t track down a tailing line drive and the hit scored a run that kept the FOM within 10 runs. They made the most of it, scoring eight times to pull within 3. The Conundrums held on and secured their sixth straight win. The game was delayed an hour past the scheduled 9:15 mark due to an unscheduled Kiwanis Club Picnic at the Park which cut into the Monday softball schedule. We kid because we love. But in fact, after Ryan “Shirt-Stain” Wilcoxen recorded the final out sometime around the 10:30 mark, the Lakewood Director of Park Lighting switched off the juice a nanosecond later leaving both teams figuratively and literally in the dark. The win, improved the Conundrums to 6-1 and a season sweep of the FOM Squad.

Poser Follies – In an uncharacteristically sloppy game, Conundrum errors, misplayed balls, poor base-running choices all played a key role in allowing FOM to nearly steal one from ‘drummers on this late evening. Even ace pitcher, Dale St. Aubin was off his game, flat-lining his pitches, allowing FOM to tee off with crushing blows which caused mayhem among the terrified Poser fielders. Aubin blamed his battery mate, Bob Tomey for his “poor pitch” management behind the dish. Tomey, himself accountable for his “questionable” base-running was gunned down by the FOM 1^st baseman attempting to score from 3B on a groundball. Out by no fewer than 12 steps, the Conundrum player/skipper will likely not be mentioned in the “name the fastest Conundrums of all time” trivia quiz. Somewhere in Sean “The Alien” Butcher’s twisted mind, a smile emanates from within.

Re-programming Eric - The team welcomes back Eric “Till Cheddar Do Us Part” Swanson fresh from his Hawaiian island-hopping honeymoon. It appears that marriage is already having a positive influence on the Conundrum 2-sacker. When told to shade a bit to his left at 2B, or when asked to please don’t pop up, the young newlywed automatically replied, “yes dear”, “I understand, dear”.

Dewey Would Be Proud: Because of the late starting game, coach Tomey, in an unorthodox move, proposed that the MVP TWIX award be presented before, not after the game. In a gamble that would forever call into question his credibility at any level, coach picked Dan Batt, a Vegas long shot at 500-1 to take home the cruncholcaty. When the inevitable became a reality, Batt was forced to relinquish his trophy, albeit not without a fight.

Tomey's sham pre-game MVP to Dan Batt was reminiscent of the famous Chicago Tribune declaration that Gov. Dewey defeats Truman for the 1948 presidency. Note Tomey's phony straight pose...disgraceful

And Now for the Post Game Winner: Despite going 0-4 in the field, Timmy “Jekyll and Hyde” Doherty’s 4-4 plate appearances were good enough to earn him his first Crunchoclaty of the season. Sure his softball glove wasn’t worth the cowhide it was tanned with. So what if he couldn’t throw out a base runner if his life depended on it. Who cares if his play in the field made a monkey out of the skip……………….yeah, actually, Tim, we’re gonna need that candy bar back. A terrible mistake has been made.

One Puzzling Fan: The Conundrums officially claimed attendance figures of 1 Monday night but it was not without some hullabaloo. An unidentified man with a peculiar handkerchief in his shirt pocket and a Sudoku puzzle in his left hand was seen loitering near the Conundrum dugout during the game. Team officials asked him if he was a Conundrum rooter. The man happily replied, “yeah, sure, why not?” After asking where he could buy a team program, team officials told him to enjoy the game and quickly excused themselves.