Week 12 - at Classic Metals

Conundrums 25
Classic Metals 1 (3 Innings)
Attendance: 2
Season Attendance To Date: 16

Heavy Metal Thunder!
Conundrums Smash Metals in Classic Fashion – Magic Number at 2

Ryan Wilcoxen Lends Coach Tomey his ear after winning this week's
MVP Crunchoclaty Award: 4-4, 3 RBI's, 2B (2)...He found the missing
pen, dang it!

LAKEWOOD PARK (TP) A monsoon blew across Lakewood Park’s rickety Field #2 Monday night and it had nothing to do with the weather. After a quiet 1st inning, the Conundrum bats stormed the hapless Classless Metals with a barrage of ceaseless hail, producing 25 runs in 2 innings, by far the most productive span of offense ever produced in the club’s fairy tale history. After the corroded Metals miraculously managed to eek out one run in the bottom 3rd stanza, the game was mercifully called in a 25-1 massacre that would make a Chicago slaughterhouse shudder. With the game in hand, Conundrum starting hurler, Dale St Aubin was texting the stars of “American Idol”, “The Bachelor”, and “Keep Your Poodle Off My Schnauzer, Or Else!” in between pitches. It was nolo contendere from the get-go. The Ralphies suffered their 3rd straight loss and they now trail the Conundrums by 3 games with 4 to play bringing the magic number to repeat down to 2 games.

I’m Afraid I’m Going To Have To Ask You To Leave – Sensing his calling to lead the team in a category other than career strikeouts, Sean “The Chosen One” Butcher gets the heave ho from the home plate ump for consuming a cold brew during the game. The toss out was the second in Butcher’s stormy softball career, thus bestowing the Wheat Ridge inhabitant as the undisputed all-time team leader in game ejections. Sean, never one to hold a grudge, offered the home plate ump a post-game PBR to show no hard feelings. They killed off the remainder of the 12-pack amid a new kinship then stumbled over to nearby Hooters where they were asked to leave after inciting a wing-ding fight. Two ejections in one night? All in all, it was a pretty good evening.

Clean It Up, Buddy Once Butcher was expelled, St. Aubin became the next target. The feisty father of two boys lost his composure after a questionable pitch went the hitter’s way. Aubbie glared in at the umpire, exclaiming “dang it!” but luckily was only given a warning. Any further use of profanity such as “darn”, “shoot”, “gosh”, “blasted”, “doggone” and “shucks” and Aubbie would suffer the same fate as Butchy. When “Filthy Mouth” Dale responded with “oh for crying out loud”, the puritanical officiator told him he was skating on thin ice. Team officials vowed to “talk” to Dale, advising him to refrain from hanging out with truck drivers going forward.

You Can’t Put a Price On a Bic: Coach Tomey loses the official Team pen, causing panic and mayhem. Eddie Layton offers up a cheap knock-off used exclusively for his personal grocery lists. Initially Tomey scoffs. Sure it works for documenting foodstuff items, but how can it stand up to the scribbling rigors of a softball scorebook? Hastily, the skip puts aside his hubris and accepts Eddie’s offer. Ah but the second-hand pen fails to inspire Puzzler hitters and the team racks up blanks in the first inning. Fortunately, Ryan “Sherlock Holmes” Wilcoxen discovers the official pen, and once re-commissioned, the Poser offensive siege begins in earnest in the 2nd/3rd frames. Contrary to popular belief, it was not Wilky’s 4-4 performance that secured his rise to Crunchoclaty glory. Rather it was his heroic rescue of the little ink-filled receptacle that sealed the deal.

The Write Pen: Official Conundrum Pen - Don't Score Games without it.

Judge Judy’s a Whore! Jason “Litigious” Emmot is presented the five M & M’s from Coach Tomey in the out of court settlement that nearly rocked the blissful Puzzler family. While they agreed to disagree over the meaning of dandies and gems, Tomey and Emmot agreed to allow slumbering canines to remain still. The five M&M award was the largest legal payout from the Posers since 2002 when the club agreed to compensate Donnie Baker with a case of pork rinds after he was unceremoniously given a team pink slip. To this day, Baker is unwavering that he got the better of the deal.

He Never Side Steps An Issue Tom “Oopsie” Hodorff single-handedly revives the Batting Error (BE) stat after being called out in the 3rd inning for stepping out of the batter’s box prematurely. As a result of Tom’s accomplishment, the Conundrums will rename the BE in his dishonor. TWICS Pubs is proud to be the first to announce the renaming of the “BE” to the “Double H” (Hody-Ho). Some people like to think outside the box, Hody chooses to step outside one. Bravo Tom!

Are You Flipping Kidding Me? In a nod to Random Night, the lopsided score allowed outfielders to switch roles with the regular infield crew. The boys didn’t disappoint as the game ended with a Wilky to Ries to Brubaker twin killing DP. Aubbie was relieved by Brandon “Rolaids” Casey who came into the game to protect a 24 run lead. Brandon shut down the Metals and was pleased with his overall performance despite a few butterflies. “I was a little nervous” said the 2nd year Puzzler. “I wasn’t used to coming into a game with such a short lead”.