Week 8 @ Ten Right Fielders

6/22/09

Ten Right Fielders Leave Rest of Diamond Vacant, ‘drums Roll, Crucial Cop Showdown Next

Conundrums 20
(at) Ten Right Fielders 9
Attendance = 2
Year to Date = 9

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – They’re not called 10 Right Fielders for nothing, Puzzlers pound one of worst fielding teams in E League history (we looked it up), thanks to fumbled pops, juggled grounders, throwing miscues - blah, blah, blah – RF gaffes help team cruise to 6th straight “V”, setting stage for next week’s rematch with “Woof, Woof” F.O.P’s

Broadway Never Had So Many Hits: With a little help from RF friends, Conundrum hitting attack continues assault on opposition, hammering home 15 runs in first two stanzas, then easing up on recommendation from part-time employee Satriano with collaboration from sidekick Butcher

Quick, Somebody Call Elias!: Even “Flatfoot” Tomey makes contribution, taking team’s first BB of season, ending 294 consecutive AB’s without a free pass, a record to this date – previous mark unknown, so this ranks as record by intuition – coach’s attempts to halt game for brief ceremony rebuked by players, umps, and Lakewood Park Concessions Manager, who just wants to sell top rated “mystery meat” (pending FDA investigation of course)

Now Barney, Cut That Out! Making first appearance at 3B since playing on 4th grade kickball team, “Hot Corner” Emmot experiences stage fright on first grounder, imitates father’s cartoon idol, Fred Flintstone by tippy-toeing towards 2B, feigns throw to bewildered Swanson, regroups, fires to 1B, nearly gunning down opposition’s “Tortoise” McGillicuddy – asked to comment later on game’s 1 out of 4 putout percentage, unflappable Em remarks “.250 eh? Not bad, not bad at all.” Upon further review, Vinny Castilla wanna-be announces plans to buy smaller glove, thereby ensuring great plays for decades to come…stay tuned

A Legend In His Own Mind With game safely in bag, Butcher On The Hill takes well-deserved early exit, ices arm, gives ground to relievers badly in need of work - St. Aubin/Satriano’s bullpen card game temporarily halted, Rolaids relievers impressive, yield combined 5 runs in 3 innings, securing Sean’s 71st career E League win in hallowed career already filled with dubious achievements

Pop Quiz: Q: How many Conundrums does it take to chase down ball thrown from outfield? A: If you said 4, give yourself a hand and credit for watching bizarre play in 3rd inning of game this week – coach Tomey hopes to have it down to 2 players by season finale, curtly adding “I’m not promising anything”

Had It All The Way – “Baskin Robins” Wilcoxen tracks down line drive during 4th inning with snow cone grab, helps snuff out potential rally - after mates let out sigh of relief, only question from former Dairy Queen employee #A3972-14C is “will that be one scoop or two?”

The Walrus Was Mark – Long/winding road with club nearing end, Satriano resorts to begging, pleading, groveling, desperate for team to void contract, part-timer threatens to sabotage on-field efforts for team he helped launch, observers note strained relationship with Tomey, reminding some of Lennon-McCartney fallout - peacekeepers wonder can’t we all just “Come Together”?

Fan-O-Meter Watch – Attendance soars to 2 patrons, matching previous single game high, season to date total now at 9; officials projecting final numbers to reach double digits, causing panic, mayhem, possibly anarchy at box office; team execs meet late into night on strategy to meet unprecedented demand

Week 7 @ Rusty Machine

6/15/09
Conundrums 23
(at) Rusty Machine 20
Attendance = 0
Year to Date = 7

Throw-Back Night Thrilla! 8 Not Enough For Rusty, Wilky-Led Puzzlers Fend Off Short Handed Machine in Game for the Ages

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – Rainy Days on Mondays never bring ‘drums down, epic battle of softball behomoths goes down to soggy wire, Mystery Boys hold off short-handed Rusty siege in yet another clash of Titans between storied rivals, Machine’s last desperate gasp to storm Puzzler castle finally repelled after Wilky chases down soaring liner to put last nail in Rusty coffin, win moves Puzzlers into 2nd place.

What’s All The Buzz About?: Despite massive offensive in first 2 innings, Conundrums see leads of 5-0 in 1st, 12-3 in 2nd evaporate as Rustys counter with hornet-like stinging time and again - 7 run burst in 4th finally catapults RM to 19-16 lead, seemingly taking control of contest over frustrated Hum-drummers, but behold! Mysterians somehow, someway corral one last assault with 6-run rally in game-shortened 5th inning, thus delivering final KO blow, silencing Machine’s furious buzz once and for all

1st Down and Ryan To Go: Rising from ashes, “Phoenix” Wilcoxen breaks out of batting funk, resuscitating badly needed hitting, racks up 4-4 plate perfection, smacks 1st round tripper since fall of Berlin Wall, earns 1st ever Crunchoclaty, 1st Coach’s MVP since (gulp!) game 2 2007, mates send Wilky out for game ending curtain call, tearful Ryan tips cap to empty bleachers, thanks invisible fans for support through difficult times, hoisting cookie crunch prize in air, proclaiming emotionally, “this one’s for you!”

Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Time for Nervous Breakdown Normally cool as a Kirby cucumber, resilient in manner, “Rock of Gilbraltar” Butcher, unaccustomed to being manhandled mercilessly by opposition, finally cracks before final frame, refuses to take hill, quick thinking coach recalls child psychology courses while studying at Ziegmund U., coaxes Butch out of fetal position, implores Sean with oxymoron “win one for the Gripper”, son of a Spartan Hater finally snaps out of it when coach threatens to take away Hooters VIP card

Got Throwback? Nearly buried amid evening’s chaotic bedlam, first ever Throwback Uniform Night pulled off, officals declare promotional event wild success with no less than 3 former flavors on display including traditional 2003-08 crimson/gray, ACS Viper 2000-02 blue/white threads, and former ZZZ affiliate Goodfellas, sponsored in part by NRA

Oh and By the Way, What’s a “Throwback”? Dan Batt-less sheepishly concedes never heard of “throwback” vernacular, discovers true meaning only after numerous consultations with family friend who dabbles in lexicography, thus avoiding humiliation, ridicule, mockery, contempt, scorn, embarrassment and other derisive lashings from past, current, future cohorts

Basepath Blunders, Part I – Uncharacteristic base running gaffes undermine team’s well-disciplined fabric, coaches blame runners, runners blame coaches, TWICS Pubs can’t help but wonder somewhere out there in Vitamin Cottage Land Brian Richie is smiling

Murder’s Row in 21st Century – “Card Shark” Tomey shuffles deck, deals out new 1-6 lineup, Doherty settling in nicely in leadoff role, meanwhile 4,5,6 combo anchored by Messrs. Ries, St. Aubin, Swanson producing timely middle lineup punch, coach hopeful luck be a lady rest of season

Mark Who??- Second year Puzzler, Tom, “Handy Hody” quietly having solid ’09 SS season, scooping up this, gobbling up that, making anybody who’s anyone forget legendary, semi-retired Mark “Scooter” Satriano – Hody Doe’s more moderate fielding positioning is a welcome change to Sats’ defiant left wing practices, thus providing a more balanced Conundrum infield of dreams

Scribal Scream – Substituting for traveling Tomey and due to Jason “Weed Whacker” Emmot’s landscaping assignment, Tim “Scoop” Doherty becomes latest guest TWICS writer to dip pen in company ink - staff’s Office of Recruitment impressed with Tim’s shallow prose, immediately tenders offer to join the fabled slanderous workforce – Doherty joins staff already loaded with yellow journalists, adding to toothless tradition readers have grown to loathe – Tim’s previous experience includes editor in chief for Parking Lot Weekly’s Arvada Bureau, please welcome Tim in his new unrewarding endeavor

Fan-O-Meter Watch –Nary a fan to be seen, Puzzler patrons becoming so rare, Ticket Dept. considers lobbying Congress to have Conundrum rooters put on Endangered Species List

Week 6 @ Fismits

DRUMS SWEEP SERIES FROM FIZZLERS !

Conundrums - 15
@ Fismits - 7
Paid Attendance = 1
Season Attendance = 7

Lakewood, CO (TP) - With the support of a near record crowd (1.25 patrons) armed with their brooms, the Conundrums once again take a season series from the fumbling Misfits. After tossing another gem, staff ace Butchy commented that taking this series is always a highlight of the year now we just need to “take a bone away from those d@#$&* Dawgs”. Key to the victory was the emergence of prodigal son Sully. Sully’s immense presence helped lessen the blow of the absence of key utility ballers Batt, Satsmo, and Swany. D. Batt was last seen hawking used soccer balls in front of Dicks Sporting Goods Park. Semi-retired Satsmo was applying his HD makeup in hopes of 15.525 seconds of fame in St Louie as the Rocks swept the Cards. Wiscony Swany was off trying to defend his 2008 title of Cheese Curd Tossing Champion of Manitowish Waters, Wisc.

Rare batting order miscue by Tomey almost derails Drumtrain when Lineup Guru Tomey leapfrogs ahead of Sully. A dazed Sully proceeds to K-out providing a catalyst to three more Ks, setting a new team single game record. While getting hazed by teammates, Tomey barks back “ I always bat after Eddie, he’s got quite a magnetic effect on me” Inside sources reveal that Tomey plotted this well in advance of game time in hopes of creating a new stat category that would allow him an entry in to the highly prized Conundrums Hall of Team Records. Team officials expect the Boo Birds to make a strong showing at the next home outing in response to this outrage.

Fast Eddie also affected by Lineup Gate, comes though in the later stages of the contest with a key 2 RBI single. Eddie quipped that he finally got so mad he “just had to hit something!”

Injury Report: Tom “Strawberry Fields Forever” Hodorff , juicy red thigh (probable for Week 7); Paul “Raspberry Tarts” Ries, Elbow and knee scrapes (probable for Week 7),; “Lineup Gate” Tomey bruises left hand popping beer caps (day to day depending on the type of beer); Wilky, burn lesions suffered while ironing tighty whiteys (hour to hour), Doherty, finger failure from writing this d@#!$ thing! (minute by minute).

Tomey forced to call up third stringer Doherty for an appearance a guest writer. Tomey tosses MVP TWIX bar to Doherty as an enticement stating that he gets paid a heck of a lot less for a whole lot better effort. Normal backup Emwa has committed the entire week to mowing “back 40” at his abode with a vintage 1890’s era weed wacker. Emwa claims that The-Son-Of-Emwa left the damn back gate open and let all the sheep out that were taking care of the lawn mowing and fertilizing. Emwa may call in later this week with a request to be added to the 15 day DL.

Week 5 @ Tigers

6/1/09

‘Drums Outlast Clawing Tigers, Weather in 12-9 Moisture-Laden Eeker – Hodorff Blast Sets Stage For Record Combined HR-O’s

Conundrums 12
(at) Tigers 9
Attendance = 0
Season Attendance To Date = 6

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – On rain-soaked evening, Kitty Kats nearly dampen ‘drum spirits, take Mystery Boys to hilt, come close to upsetting heavily favored Conundrums, solid “D” down stretch saves team from humiliation, disappointment, coach’s ire, reminding all these aren’t your father’s Tigers.

Vitamin C Softballs: Unknown Tiger hitter in 1st stanza begins long ball journey with 2 run shot, answered in 2nd frame by Tom “I have nothing to prove, but geez I better hit better soon” Hodorff with 3-run bomb, each team then wastes 4 more HR-O’s in record fashion, causing conspiracy pundits to resurrect juicy, er juiced ball charges. If proven, will Minute Maid attempt to package? Don’t laugh, stranger occurrences happen. Retract that – intent of story is to invoke laughter, our apologies.

Handy Over Butch By Hair: Despite Seanster’s 3fer4, 2 ribbie plate production, handcuffing Tiger swatters with 6-seam slowball, coach gives photo finish MVP nod to Tom Hody Doe, thanks to Handyman’s first career 4-bagger as Conundrum, catapults Wizz Con Sinner to coveted Crunchoclaty, breaking early season funk, prompts GM Butchy to rescind trade offer to Maptek for spyware to be named later

Wrong Club?: Staying hot at plate, Fast Eddie Layton quietly records another MVP worthy night, proving to all naysayers who say nay, that ’08 season no flukey – asked how it feels to be bona fide member of .600 Club, “Evangelical” Eddie quips, “Fantastic! I got to meet Pat Robertson, it was quite a hymnal experience.”

Goo Goo Ga K’Choob:14 month old St. Aubin Jr., becomes team’s youngest ever bench coach, barking words of encouragement to ‘drum fielders from comfort of state of art Strap ‘n Go stroller, things get testy when normally composed Butcher takes exception to “waa, aahhhh, googoo” remarks apparently directed towards mound, goes toe to toe with Little Aubbie, finally separated after Junior’s drool too much for Sean to absorb.

Nepotistics 101: 5th inning drama unfolds when LF’er Emwa throws perfect letter high strike to 3Ber Ries, apparently nullifying Tiger base advance, but ump blows call resulting in futile protests from Conundrummers, foul play suspected when after game Tiger Captain overheard saying to adjudicator, “gee Dad, you called a great game tonight”

Caught Between Rock and 1st Base: Timmy Doherty keeps 7th inning rally alive, cleverly sets Meow Trap, decoys beastlies into mucked up rundown, allows speedster Ries to race home safely, Tiger comedy of errors matched only by Conundrum’s own diamond jocularities, too numerous to document herein.

Estranged Conundrum Report: Mark/Tony Satriano breaches part-time contract, takes proverbial “my lawyer will call your lawyer” posture; Patrick Sullivan continues to decline offer for full employment, citing poor hygiene (can’t find razor), declining health (let me count the eye bags); Dave Brubaker still on assignment in Albuquerque, sends regards, coach turns down requests to feed goldfish, forward mail

Riding The Storm Out: Waiting for downpour to subside, Noah’s Ark to arrive, long after Lakewood lights extinguished, Messrs. Butcher, Emmot, Tomey, Wilky take refuge in visitor’s dugout, Butcher reminisces days as ‘80s stagehand, alleges footage of U2’s 1987 “Rattle ‘n Hum” film at McNichols shows young Sean rockin' in front row, blurred footage of Irish Groupie inconclusive - ‘drums’ pitcher remains steadfast, claims bootleg version of “Sean’s Zagruder Film” shows Bono slow-dancing with Butch to “With Or Without You”

Fan-O-Meter Watch: Team records smallest crowd to date, ticket turnstile fails to move, officials blame zero turnout on inclement weather, unappealing game matchup, and Jonas Bros. concert going on at nearby Lakewood Cultural Center.*

* Jonas crack, used by permission, courtesy of Holly Tomey Gaffes, Ltd.