2010 Lakewood League Tournament - August 22, 2010

SAY WHAT?
TOURNAMENT CHAMPIONS!

Coronary Conundrums Complete Dream Year, Storm From Behind Thrice to Take First Ever Lakewood Tourney Crown

The Victors! Moments after winning their first Lakewood League Tournament, elated Conundrums hold onto a piece of team history

LAKEWOOD PARK (TP) If ever the Conundrums needed Dale "Hammer Time" St. Aubin back in the lineup, it was Sunday at the 2010 Lakewood Leisure League Tournament. Sore back and all, the Puzzler slugger returned after missing the final 3 regular season games to power the Conundrums to the final frontier in an already memorable season. Fueled by 4 Aubbie crushing home runs, the "Cardiac Kids" roared back from huge deficits not once, not twice but 3 times to claim their first tourney crown in the history of the franchise. Down early and often in the three tournament games, the #3 overall seed Conundrums didn't just have their backs to the wall, they were on life support throughout the long sweltering afternoon. But like a prize fighter on the ropes, the team that wouldn't die, didn't. The Conundrums erased 9, 7 and 9 run deficits in the three contests respectively on the road to the title.

In the first game they were down 9 runs before even picking up a stick after a shaky start by hurler Aubin. But Dale settled in, limiting the Ralphies to just one run over the last 6 innings and by the time they came to the plate in the bottom of the 7th inning, the Puzzlers had trimmed the deficit down to a single run, 10-9. Down to their final out, Jason Emmot delivered a life saving two-out, two run game winning knock and the boys of Lakewood Summer completed an improbable comeback.

If that wasn't enough, the best was yet to come. As afternoon temperatures soared into the the mid '90's, the Conundrums again found themselves sweating, not from the solar vapors but the heat of their opponents. In the semi-final, down by 7 runs 14-7 to the #2 seed Bushwackers heading into the top half of the 7th inning, the Conundrums - minus their star player, Paul "Triple Crownless" Ries, who dearly departed after the 2nd inning to join a hardball tourney - were given another dose of last rites by just about anyone witnessing the game. That is, everyone but the players themselves. Buoyed by the return of Eddie "Black Rebel Motorcycle Club" Layton in the top of the 7th, the Conundrums caught fire in a matter of seconds. Eddie's pinch hit single set the stage for more last inning heroics by "Banzai Aubin". With the bases jammed, St. Dale delivered his second shot of the tourney - a grand salami far off into the Lakewood ether giving the Conundrums a 15-14 lead that proved to be the game winner. With another unbelievable comeback, the Posers magical mystery tour continued full throttle all the way to the championship game.

Playing the notorious #1 seed Just Plain Bad dudes in the final, the team knew it wasn't going to get any easier. The Conundrums were all too familiar with the Bad Boys of Softball - two years earlier, they fell 9-3 in the tourney champtionship. What was most notable in that game were their unruly fans, hooting, hollering, cackling, chortling with every pitch. It was a bitter pill swallowed and the Conundrums were determined to wash away that salt water taste in the rematch. Unlike the previous two games on this Sunday, the 'drums managed to avoid a 1st inning breakdown and held the Bad hitters at bay for the first two innings. With a little help from St. Aubin's 2 run shot in the second inning, the Conundrums jumped out to a 4-2 lead going into the bottom of the second. But alas, adversity again reared her ugly head, attempting to crush the Poser psyche. In their half of the 2nd, Plain Bad pummeled the ball again and again, scoring 11 times before the flames were extinguished. By the time the carnage was complete Plain Bad had taken a commanding 13-4 lead and a familiar theme of tourney naysayers were preparing the Conundrums' tombstone epithet. While the filthy Plain Bad patrons were preparing for a 10-run game shortened celebration, the Posers had the Thugs of Plain Bad right where they wanted them. For the next 4 innings, the stammering Conundrums battled desparately, scoring an incredible 18 runs over that span, and by the time the foul-mouthed JPB players came to bat in the bottom of the 7th, the 'drums were ahead 21-15. JPB's attempted comeback fell well short despite scoring twice in the final frame to make it 21-17. And when Conundrum 3-sacker Brandon Casey turned out the lights, handling a tricky grounder and tagging the runner from second base, the unthinkable, near-impossible, most remarkable dream turned into a moment of reality and the players succumbed with a well deserved eruption of joy: the Conundrums of Comeback finally reached the tournament summit and the celebration began in earnest.

After winning the Monday Night Leisure League Title, the Conundrums tournament victory doubled up on what turned out to be an astonishing season of destiny - we don't know if/when such a mark will be matched by this team, and guess what? We don't care! The 2010 Conundrums championship season will be lauded as the greatest accomplishment in team history. As the 2010 softball curtain descends upon the stage, let us applaud the Conundrums: We laughed, we cried, we want to relive it, again and again! YEAH BABY!!

POST-TOURNAMENT IMAGES OF THE CHAMPS OF LAKEWOOD

BATTLESCAR GALACTICA

Hody glances through the championship looking glass

Player-Coach Tomey makes out with Victory, while Casey looks on with bemusement

Wilky: "Dude, we won...sooo coool"

Journey's end: A symbol of hope

Sean Butcher takes aim at a smiling "Fast Eddie"

Dave Brubaker flashes tourney threads to former softball team: "Nah-nah!"

Bartender! An x-tra large, please!

Eddie and Corey give a thumbs up to a great year!

Conundrums Random Night, Game 14 - August 2, 2010

Week 14 - at Crush

8/2/10

Conundrums 14
Wingmen 4

Attendance: 4
Year to date: 25

The End Of The Year As We Know It, Posers Feel Fine

Random Night Wraps Up Championship Season In 'Puzzling' Fashion


2 For The Price of One Ryan Wilcoxen shows off matching
TWIXeys, becoming the 1st Puzzler to haul away two of the
precious confectionaries in one night.

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) Even for a game dubbed "Random Night", Monday evening at Lakewood Park turned out to be surprisingly bizarro. The Conundrums dominated the hapless Lakewood Leisure League basement dwellers, The Crush 14-4, thus ending the season with an 11-3 record. But that became a secondary byline in a game that was rendered meaningless after the 'drums clinched the league title one week earlier. The season-ending finale, which featured the "2nd Annual Random Night", a disorderly evening whereby the Conundrum batting order and the player inning-by-inning fielding positions were selected totally at random, had more twists 'n turns than an episode of "The Edge of Wetness" soap opera. For starters, the game was pushed back to 6:30 when both players and umpires were stuck in traffic as a result of a Morrison brush fire that caused officials to close a stretch of Hwy C-470 during the evening commute. That proved a prelude to other ominously arbitrary events. Let's begin our random tales with "Wildfire Sean".

Sean to Wildfire: "BLEEP U!" - Nobody was more impacted by the wild fire than our very own Sean Butcher. The Wheat Ridge resident, who ironically lives closest to the park, was the last to arrive. "I live 5 miles from the (bleeping) park", said a clearly perturbed Butchy moments after finally arriving to the game. "Every (bleeping) street I took turned out to be mother (bleeping) worse than the previous route. I hate these (bleeping) Colorado wildfires! They ruined my whole (bleeping) evening!!" Later in the evening, Sean's mood took a turn for the worse. But that's another story for another time.

Down Goes Emwa! Down Goes Aubbie (Again): This TWICS segment is dedicated to "seconds" - For the second time this season, Jason "Beckham" Emmot is sidelined with an achy/breaky back injury. He also complained of a broken toe, his first of the season. Allegedly the injuries were suffered when the former USC (that is, University of Southern "Colorado") grad was kicking it around last Saturday in a Littleton, CO soccer charity tournament benefiting the "Cure For Turf Toe Foundation". Not to be outdone, for the second week in a row, Dale "Mr. Softball" St. Aubin called coach to excuse himself from the game Monday night. coincidentally, Mr. Softball was also afflicted by the old spinal contusion bug. According to transcripts obtained from Coach Tomey's voice messaging system, Mr. Softball injured his back while dreaming he was the mythical Atlas. Apparently while holding up the world, Mr. Softball felt a twinge in his lower back, woke up and voila! - the dream became a reality. Clearly shaken, Mr. Softball reportedly donated his highly cherished Rand McNally globe to Goodwill.

Random Notes - It's odd enough to see Paul Ries playing 3B, Ryan Wilcoxen chasing down errant Sean Butcher pitches to the backstop or Tom "Hody Highty Highty Ho" Hodorff kicking balls from the other side of 2B. But the only thing weirder than watching an inning featuring Eddie "Catching is My Life" Layton at SS is...well two innings of Eddie at the QB of all QB infield positions. But those are the cards Random.org dealt us on this chancy night. Sadly, Fast Eddie didn't get an opportunity to showcase his buried talents as the Crush failed to cooperate and nothing was hit his way. Nevertheless, Eddie demonstrated he was the commander in chief of the infield when he barked out, "ok now, let's turn two!" This impressed the coaching staff even though there was nobody on base and there were already two outs...later, in the bottom of the 6th inning, leading by 10 runs, with the Conundrums needing to shut the Crush down in order to end the game early, hurler Butcher shocks the Poser world when he inexplicably hands the ball to a bewildered Bob Tomey. With the pressure on, a 10-run save situation looming, the Mystery Boys' field manager bent, but didn't break. After giving up a rocket launched from the leadoff Crush hitter that landed no less than 40 feet beyond the center field fence (alas, it was recorded as a HR-out), Tomey settled in and frustrated the Crush hitters with his own version of the "Lebanese Slurve" (because he's Lebanese, y'know). Despite serving up a cheap single and a harmless walk, Tomey held the Crush scoreless and when Hody literally kicked a grounder over to 1st sacker Wilky, Tomey recorded his first ever save in his first ever pitching appearance as a Conundrum. The save preserved Butcher's 4th win of the year. Butcher called Tomey "still very dangerous" but added "Bob, you can be my wingman anytime", to which Tomey retorted, "Bull****! You can be MY wingman! (PBR's for everyone!)


Getting His Kicks Tom "Hody Do" Hodorff prefers feet over
glove after ending game kicking ball from 2B to 1st.

Say It Ain't So, Eric! - Coming into the game, Paul "Wiz Kid" Ries led in all three Triple Crown categories (HR's/RBI's/BA). Ries appeared to be on his way to become the first Puzzler to win the trifecta of softball since 2004 when St. Aubin was the last to pull it off. But a funny thing happened on the way to the Crown - somebody forgot to tell Eric "The Spoiler" Swanson that history was beckoning. Ries' 3-4 performance improved his BA to .660. But Swanny's 4-5 raised his average to a heartbreaking .661, edging Ries by a nano point, thus denying the sophomore Conundrum the coveted Triple Crown. Neither player was available for comment, but it's safe to say Swanson won't be getting a fruit cake from the kid this Christmas.

How Can I Get Swanny Kicked Off The Team? Ries, moments
after hearing disappointing Triple Crownless news

When 2=3 In the 4th inning Tim "Line Painter" Doherty hit into an unconventional double play that ended with "Crazy Legs" Ries getting called out at the dish. As a result, the Crush believed the inning over and came to the dugout. The Conundrums believed the inning over and began to take the field. Only problem was the inning wasn't over. In a case of misguided arithmetic, only two Conundrums came to bat, so by the laws of modern mathematics it was virtually impossible for 3 outs to be issued. After much confusion, somebody produced an abacus and it was finally agreed upon that indeed only two outs were recorded and order restored. Later, it was learned that a group of former members of the Flat Earth Society (FES) attempted sabotage. They were promptly ejected from Lakewood Park, which according to FES folklore, is the edge of the earth, so we can only speculate as to their current whereabouts.


This Is An Outrage! Brandon Casey learns he did not win
the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes

What Chewy Choclaty Caramel Does To A Man: In a year where records went down faster than a 2-bit hooker, Ryan Wilcoxen becomes the first Conundrum to bag two Crunchoclatys in a single game. Wilky took down the coach's traditional game MVP, then by the good grace of Random.org, the man who calls himself Ryan completed an improbable TWIX coup d' etat and was awarded the Random Crunchoclaty award. In an uncharacteristic moment of glee, the normally composed Wilcoxen exclaimed, "what a beautiful night for a crunchoclaty, let's eat two". The ceremony was not without controversy. Both Swanson and Ries - with arguably better game numbers - filed formal grievances with the "American Association of Softball Festivus". We'll stay on top of this, and update this story should any new reports emerge from this "festivus for the rest of us" development.

What Was He Thinking? "Ahhh, what if I had THREE
Crunchoclatys? Oh baby"

Final Attendance Tally - While averaging a respectable 1.8 fans per game, 2010's total attendance of 25 fell well short of 2009's record 36 patrons. TP analysts ruled out many factors for the decline in attendance including the stagnant economy, the lack of modern facilities at the ballpark, etc. The 119 page document, released yesterday concluded "the decline can be directly attributed to dumb luck. The science is irrefutable."

Farewell to 2010 Puzzles: It's been a memorable season, climaxing with the Conundrums claiming their 2nd league title and solidifying yet another berth to the post-season tourney on August 22. Don't miss the victory parade Saturday August 7. Players will begin their march in a gully under the 6th Avenue aqua duct adjacent to an alley by an unnamed road next to the Lakewood landfill. Facial masks will be supplied.

Congratulations to the Conundrum players, the fans and to the entire organization. Kudos on a job....done. See you next year for another rendition of This Week In Conundrumball (TWIC) Notes.

Epilogue: The writers of TWICS Publications would like to issue a public apology to our subscribers for the often lengthy writing on these blog pages. Some people like to hear themselves talk, we enjoy watching ourselves write. We regret any inconvenience and/or constipation, er consternation to our readers.

Conundrums Clinch 2010 Title - Player Reactions

Week 12 - Doubleheader: Popo's Bloopers and Wingmen

7/26/10

1st Game
Popo's Bloopers 16
Conundrums 20

2nd Game
Conundrums 6
Wingmen 11

Attendance: 2
Year to date: 21

CHAMPS!
No Aubbie, No Problem, Puzzlers Pass "Test", Clinch 1st League Crown Since '04

The 2010 Conundrums - Lakewood Leisure League Champions
Left to Right: (Front Row) Tim Doherty, Paul Ries, Ryan Wilcoxen,
Jason Emmot, Ed Layton, Dale "Sweeper" St. Aubin (Back Row) Dan Batt,
Eric Swanson, Sean Butcher, Brandon Casey, Bob Tomey, Tom Hodorff,

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) Kaboom! That was the sound of Conundrum bats exploding for 11 runs in the 4th inning Monday night that turned around a game that through the first 3 innings didn't go according to the script. But when the dust literally settled on Field #2 and the clock ran out on Popo's Bloopers in the 5th inning - a game that was rescheduled from a previous rainout - winning pitcher Sean Butcher leaped into a gleefully horrified Ed Layton's arms and the celebration began in earnest. With the Mysterians' victory, coupled with 2 earlier Fat Old Men losses, the Puzzlers wrapped up their first Lakewood Leisure League title since 2004. But the pesky Popo didn't make it easy for the Posers. Through 3 innings, the Conundrum offense couldn't keep pace with the Bloopys, who had built up a 13-9 lead. All that changed when Paul "Double Crunchoclaty" Ries led off the last of the 4th. One after another the 'drums kept coming and coming. The Conundrums sent up an amazing 18 batters and by the time the stunned Bloops ended their nightmare 4th, the Conundrums took a commanding 20-13 lead. Although Popo made a galliant push in their half of the 5th, scoring 3 times to narrow the gap to 20-16, time was not on their side and with the Conundrums again making noise in the bottom of the stanza, the clock whittled away, and with it, a 6 year drought was finally over and the bubbly diet Sprite flowed like nobody's business.

In the nightcap, with all the emotion drained from the pennant celebration, the Conundrums fell 11-6 in a disappointingly flat performance against the Wingmen, a team that had lost their previous 7 games. The loss reminded all of an eerily similar experience only two years earlier when after clinching 2nd place in 2008, thus qualifying for the post-season tournament, the Conundrums experienced another miserable letdown in an otherwise meaningless game against the dearly departed Maptek T-Bones. Monday night against the Wingers, errors were committed, mistakes made, gaffes were plentiful. Adding injury to insult, Jason Emmot limped out of the game with an undisclosed injury. Skipper Tomey described the injury as "gimpish" and was confident Jason would be available next week for the random finale. Despite the disappointing nightcap performance, the Conundrums were upbeat and can go into the finale against the Crush with random expectations.

Team Photo Night - In between games, Team Photo Night was hastily assembled. Tomey's favorite tripod was mysteriously damaged and at the last moment, Dan Batt's lifetime partner Debbie stepped up figuratively to the plate, grabbed the camera, snapped a couple of keepers, thus saving the time-honored tradition. In appreciation of Deb's service to the team, the Conundrums presented her with free game passes for life. Congratulations Deb! (Dan, don't let this one get away!)

The lighter side of Team Photo Night: Of particular interest,
Dan Batt showing best side

PLAYER REACTIONS

Coach Bob Tomey: Relieved, said he was happy to thrust the monkey off the team's back.

Asst. Coach Jason Emmot: Overheard saying "Rusty Who?", in obvious reference to longtime Rusty Machine, the arch nemesis of the 'drums for several years, who mysteriously disappeared off the face of the Lakewood League map this year.

Sean Butcher: One of only two original players still around from that first team in 1998 (Tomey, the other) said simply this is the "team's proudest hour". Then he cried and had to be removed from the dugout until composing himself 16 minutes later.

Ryan Wilcoxen: buried his can 'o corn swing during a season of resurgence, said after 6 years he can finally look his 4 year old son, Connor, in the eye again.

Gentle Tim Doherty: Yelled "yippy!", but nobody heard, so was asked to express his merriment again.

Eddie Layton: said the 5 year Softball Hall of Fame waiting period should be waived and coach Tomey should be "immediately inducted for the way he constantly prepares us each game". Naturally Layton was paid off, but nobody seemed to mind in all the hoopla.

Rookie Brandon Casey: was ecstatic saying he's never been a part of any team championship of any kind unless you count a beanbag race during the Casey family reunion in 2005 with his cousin, Alvin.

Dan Batt: Not available, proved too elusive, what with him flying in front of the camera disrupting the weekly Crunchoclaty MVP photo.

Eric Swanson: dedicated the win to the MLB Brewers, claiming that this is the closest anybody from the greater Milwaukee area will ever be to a pennant of any kind.
Tom "Hody Do" Hodorff: didn't arrive to the ballpark until the 3rd inning (Pat Sullivan, are you reading this?), was still "puzzled" as to why coach told the other 11 players of the doubleheader and not he.

David "Dead Man Walking" Brubaker: fresh from his 24 hour night shift on the highway of construction, wasn't awake long enough to solicit a reaction but judging from the smile on his slumbering face, was either dreaming of the victory parade down Kipling Avenue or having his way with Lady Gaga backstage at the Pepsi Center.

Kid Paul Ries: swept the game MVP Crunchoclatys on this memorable evening, he wasn't around when the franchise won their first title (Well duh! He was only 4 years old. Sheesh!) but father read the TWICS "all the time" from the wire services back in Shucksville, Iowa. Pauly hopes to be a part of the next team pennant "in another six years".

Dale St. Aubin: absent from big game; the Puzzler slugger/Jefferson County Schoolbus Chauffer, informed coach earlier in day that Monday night was his 4th and last training session at the Jeffco Academy of Gifted Bus Drivers. Said the last training day was reserved for learning how to down-shift from 4th to 3rd gear, while simultaneously flipping on the vehicle's red flashing lights. The final test was "super early Tuesday morning" and Dale said he and the other trainees were getting together at Bus Depot #4 for an "intense evening of cramming". Wished the team well, sounded really, really stressed out with big test.

.

Sportscenter with Bob Tomey and Jason Emmot For the Sportscenter version of This Week In Conundrumball (TWICS), chronicling this historic evening, click on the link to the far right, "Video Week 10 and 11". Sportscenter was produced and created by Jason "Xtra Abnormal" Emmot and is not endorsed nor associated with or by TWICS Publications. The characters portraying Bob Tomey and Jason Emmot are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual Bob Tomeys or Jason Emmots, living or dead is purely coincidental.

Ries Sweeps the Crunchoclaty: Paul Ries being presented
with two TWIX Crunchoclaty Awards for his two HR's and
collecting 8 RBI's for the two games. (This was the only photo
where Dan Batt didn't fly in front of the camera. Tim Doherty
is pictured as collateral damage)

Random Lineup Night: With the league title in the bag, next Monday's 6:15 rain makeup game against the Crush will feature what amounts to the 2nd Annual Random Lineup Night. Last year's debut was a smash, so an encore performance seems only appropriate. Watch the Puzzler players play random positions, hitters will hit in a random batting order, all selected by chance. We'll hand out a random TWIX Crunchoclaty to the lucky Conundrum selected totally at...altogether now...random! Join us for this fun-filled night. You won't want to miss it! Don't be afraid to randomly ask a stranger of your choice to accompany you to this once in a year event!

Video Week 10 & 11

Week 11 - vs. Fismits

7/19/10
Conundrums 12
Fismits 5
Attendance: 2
Year to date: 19

Puzzler "D" Shuts Down Fizzy Mits - Magic Number 2

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – On a sizzling night where temps climbed near 90 at 6:15 game time, the Conundrum bats hovered just above freezing. But thanks to some stellar defense, solid pitching and some "sacrifices" from all around, the Mystery Boys of Lakewood Summer cruised to a 12-5 win over the pesky Fismits. The contest featured a Conundrum record four sac flies, including two by Dale "Sacrificial Lamb" St. Aubin. While the Puzzler offense staggered - three nameless players (Tomey/Butcher/Hody Do) went hitless - the defense more than picked up the slack. Highlighted by Eric "Air Jordan" Swanson's well timed jump at 2B to snag a would-be line drive hit, the entire field of 10 played a solid 7 innings. St. Aubin, who improved his record to 8-0 once again kept the opposition at bay, had his backspin cutter dancing around the Fismits, forcing more can 'o corn pop ups than Ryan Wilcoxen can shake a stick at. With 3 games left to go, the Conundrums (9-2) magic number to clinch the league title is 2. Any combination of 2 losses by the Fat Old Men or 2 wins by the Posers will secure the team's 2nd Lakewood Leisure League Crown and first since 2004.

Running Down A 'drum - For the second straight week, a Conundrum player was hung out to dry in a rundown of epic proportions between 2nd and 3rd. Last week rookie Brandon "Houdini" Casey got caught in a self-induced pickle, but miraculously escaped, while living to tell about it. Eric "Tennis Ball" Swansong, on the other hand, was not so fortunate this Monday, and after several back and forth lobs between bases (we stopped counting after 14), the Modest Mouse groupie was apprehended by the swarm of Fismit pursuers. When the chagrined Swanny returned to the dugout, he was greeted by hoots, catcalls and other jeers of mockery. One unnamed source muttered rather indignantly: "he's no Brandon Casey, and I know Brandon Casey."

Just An Ordinary, Average Guy - Since making a seamless move from starting pitcher to first base, Sean Butcher has proven he's no Pat Sullivan or Brian Richie. For those of you too young to remember, during their playing days, former Conundrums Sully/Richie provided more drama catching routine infield throws than a Shakespearean actor playing Hamlet, Othello or Ren and Stimpy. Since sharing the 1B duties with Coach/Player/Statistician/Photographer/Videographer/GM/Finance Director/Team Psychiatrist Bob Tomey, Butchy has made easy plays look hard, hard plays look impossible, and impossible plays look reprehensive. Monday night, Butcher illustrated one of these points (which one?) in the fourth inning when he caught an unproblematic toss from one of the Puzzler infielders that a six year old paraplegic would likely have made. Yet Sean staunchly defended his average play: "My catch was the turning point of the game." That's debatable. Tim Doherty's dazzling crotch scratch in the 2nd inning helped snuff out a Fismit rally...or how about outfielder Paul Ries getting the ball into the infield after a base hit in the 3rd? And let's not forget Jason Emmot wiping the sweat off his forehead in the 5th, moments before hurler St Aubbie throwing a strike that may have reduced # of runs the Fizzles scored 2 innings later? Were Sean's 1B actions the single most pivotally unremarkable event of the game? TP will let our subscribers decide.

Hopes of Immortality Dashed - Sometime between the 1st and 7th inning, backstopper "Fast Eddie" Layton's failed attempt to chase down a foul pop up was an apparent case of mistaken identity. Just as the ball appears to be within his grasp, he suddenly pulls back, and it falls harmlessly to the earth. Later, Eddie swore that he heard a frightening roar and was about to be squashed by a powerful freight train. It wasn't a locomotive, but rather the imposing figure of Sean "Train Kept a Rollin All Night Long" Butcher, rushing in from 1B to assist. While Layton was relieved that his life was spared, he was bitter nonetheless: "Sean cost me not just a chance to make a catch, but clinch my election into the Lakewood City Softball Hall of Fame. Damn. I'll never become immoral now". TP is pretty sure he meant "immortal", but who really knows.

Quote of the Day: "We didn't hit a home run tonight...Come to think of it, we didn't hit a HR-Out either. Huh" - Eric "Aristotle" Swanson reflecting on the finer points of E League softball.

For Members Only - In a rarity, three Conundrums failed to hit safely in the same game. While it has been a common theme to look up at the box score and see "Oh for this, oh for that" next to Butcher and Tomey's name, it was rather shocking to see Tom Hodorff join such dubious company. Hody was welcomed into Bob and Sean's exclusive "Swing and a Wiff Club" Monday night when he joined the hapless hitting duo with his own 0-3 performance. Tomey - heading for his first subpar .500 season in franchise history - and Butcher presented Tom with an honorary Wiffy award as depicted below (printed with permission by Tomey-Butcher Make a Wiff Foundation)


Tom was apparently very touched and asked if he could come by the club next week. Said Bob: "Anytime, Tom, anytime"

Roger Maris Would Understand - After flirting with the Crunchoclaty for weeks, only to be denied time and again, Brandon Casey finally achieves chewy confectionary glory Monday Night, when Coach mercifully awarded the game MVP to the rook from Anytown USA. Casey avoided the unsavory distinction of being the only Conundrum rookie not to win at least one game MVP in a season, by taking home the prestigious award after 11 games. It is the longest streak any rookie has gone without biting into TWIX Treasure. Brandon was obviously relieved the ordeal was finally over and accepted the award without comment. In the weeks leading up to Monday night, the pressure was enormous. Reports of Casey's body hair and fingernails falling out were widespread. Never has one man, suffered so much for so long - unless you count the fielders forced to play alongside Pat Sullivan over the course of 10 seasons.

Team Photo Night Update - Team officials were still working out the final details as we went to print, but it appears a safe bet that Team Photo Night will finally happen next week before/during/after the Puzzler twin bill. The announcement has been delayed as plans to gather all 13 roster players are being finalized. The holdouts, Dan "Granby Pamby" Batt and Dave "Night Shift" Brubaker have given Coach Tomey positive feedback of their plans to attend the two games. The team's equipment manager, however, is not leaving anything to chance and intends to secure enough brooms for player effigies should one or both players renege on promises, promises. The magnitude of this decision has sweeping proportions.

Week 10 - at Fat Old Men

7/12/10
Conundrums 21
Fat Old Men 16

Attendance: 3
Year to date: 17

"Old Men" Can't Figure Out Puzzle, Conundrums Alone At The Top, Control Own Destiny

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – Billed as the "Battle of The Leisure Behemoths - Part Deux", the Fat Old Men Monday Night at Lakewood Park sought to exact revenge from the earlier 23-8 lopsided Conundrums massacre and reclaim sole possession of 1st place in the hotly contested Leisure League Standings. Instead, while it was not exactly deja vu, the streaking Puzzlers held the frustrated Old Guys at arm's length for most of the game, maintaining the lead for the entire 7 innings. The showdown lived up to the pre-game hype, with the Puzzlers ultimately pulling away in the late innings, taking a commanding 21-10 lead into the last of the 7th. But the FOM mounted a furious rally scoring 6 times before the 'drums finally extinguished the flames, thus walking away with their 8th straight win and more importantly, sole possession of 1st place. By virtue of sweeping the season series against the "Old Men", the Posers now hold a crucial tie-breaking advantage should the two teams end the grueling 14 game schedule in deadlock. To coin a softball phrase that was borrowed (with permission) from the International Ping-Pong Federation, the Conundrums now control their own destiny.

She's not Nutty, She's Confused - The game was marred by some "puzzling" umpiring calls affecting both teams. Home plate chief umpire (let's call her 'Millie') left both teams bewildered. For starters, Millie called a grounder "foul" that was authored by Tom "Hody Doe" Hodorff that clearly hit the 3rd base bag - to any student of the game, the ball should have been ruled fair. Later, 1st base ump, Jerry (apologies to all, his birthright name escapes TP) admitted to coach/first baseman Tomey that Millie's call implies a "new set of softball rules have been created" and why wasn't Jerry informed? Second, Millie allowed a Fat Old Man to stand 12 feet behind home plate, declaring that "there are no boundary limits where a batter may stand". Thirdly, the Millster called a FOM runner out at 3rd base, that was clearly to the contrary, even to 1st base sacker Tomey with his 20/400 vision. In general, Millie's strike zone was all over the map, calling balls hitting the plate strikes pitches landing just beyond the plate balls while redefining the pitching arc limit to an arbitrary 5 feet one inning, 20 feet the next. It was later learned that Millie is an avid fan of the random.org website, thus explaining her erratic adjudication behavior. TWICS Pubs, in a Freedom of Information filing, obtained Millie's Lakewood pre-employment background screenings revealing she's been in and out of dementia institutions for the last 30+ years. The Conundrums and Fat Old Men ball clubs issued a joint statement indicating no hard feelings against Millie, and just hope she can finally get the help she deserves.

May I Offer You a Complimentary Shave With That TWIX Bar? While receiving the weekly Coach's Choice Cruncholaty TWIX bar for game MVP, Jason Emmot got more than he bargained for when he was unceremoniously ambushed with a generous portion of Barbarsol Pie from fellow teammate Ryan "The Barber" Wilcoxen. With a little help from accomplice Paul "Partner In Crime" Ries, Wilky completed the fait accompli just as the cameras rolled to witness the weekly TWIX presentation. More shocking than a game where Tomey/Butcher reach base safely, the helpless Emwa was mercilessly attacked by the stealthy Wilcoxen with a Barbasol-saturated towel of foamy creme. So efficiently executed was this brutality, presidential secret service agents could not have intervened in time to save Emwa and his foam-soaked kisser. There was so much lathery foam at the crime scene, collateral damage was widespread. Some of the foam reportedly ricocheted off Em and struck innocent bystanders including TWIX Crunchoclaty Presenter and Conundrums Coach Bob Tomey, who screamed "I'm hit!" Team Safety Director, Sean Butcher responded immediately, calling 911 and bellowing "Man Down! Man Down!". Meanwhile Emmot looked in vain for a Gillette Fusion ProGuide Triple Action Power Razor. Making a hasty beeline for his Littleton home bathroom, he reportedly shaved for two hours before finally removing all foamy traces of the incident from his scrubbed mug. The attack puts all Conundrums on a heightened state of alert. No player is safe from Ryan's Foam of Terror. The current shaving creme threat level is now Orange.

Watch the complete video of Jason's creamation on YouTube. Copy/paste the following link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9MpXFhf8uI

Catching Up With Dan - Dan "Water Is My Life" Batt makes a Prodigal Son return, fresh from the Granby, Colorado highlands. The Denver Water employee, sometimes Conundrum, looked fresh at the plate, going a solid 3-5 and even managed to scoop a wobbly throw from rookie 3 sacker, Brandon "I can't buy a TWIX Bar" Casey. Contrary to popular opinion, Batt's rare appearances at Lakewood Park in 2010 are not necessarily the consequence of working on assignment in the mountain town of Granby; actually he's working on his first book, "Water is Wet, But It Doesn't Have To Be" (H2O Paperback), due out in Indie bookstores this Fall.

Fast Eddie Road Diaries, First Entry: Diary Notes from Easy Rider Layton's "Black Rebel Motorcycle Club" Great Southwest travels: July 10 - While leading the Club through the Four Corners region, I remember I didn't turn off the bedroom nightlight. I didn't panic. With a steady hand, I gave my fellow Rebels the signal to turn back. 14 hours later, we're back on track. Tired...must sleep now.

He's Smart, I Know That Much: Dave "Robert Redford's My Favorite Actor" Brubaker continues his on-again, off-again relationship with the Conundrums. The latest setback from the Puzzler leadoff man occurred when Dave was forced to work the night shift somewhere on the lonesome Interstate 70 mountain corridor, working who knows what with God knows who. When Sean Butcher was asked repeatedly what his longtime friend does to sustain a living outside of Conundrum softball, the Butchster explained rather emphatically, "I have no idea. He's an engineer of some sort - I think he works with calculators, rulers and tractors. No wait, it's protractors. Yeah, that's it."

Certified Scorekeepers Wanted! Tired of consulting with Rosetta Stone experts to crack the cryptic Conundrums game score card, team skipper Tomey has decided to hold a Conundrums seminar, "Idiot's Guide To Scorekeeping". "We've got scorekeepers circling this, crossing out that, adding footnotes here, filling in diamonds there, it's frustrating", said the clearly frustrated coach/team statistician. Upon completion of the course, players must be certified just to touch the book. A typical Conundrums scorebook is illustrated below (courtesy of the Conundrums). (Oooh, he's right, that is tough to read)


Team Photo Night Rescheduled Finally, TWICS Pubs would like to correct a story appearing in the June 21 edition of the TWICS reporting that Team Photo Night would occur on June 28. Team Photo Night was unexpectedly postponed when only 10 of the 13 roster players showed up. The team has yet to reschedule the celebrated event, but did issue this statement explaining the decision: "We simply didn't have enough broom effigies on hand to represent the missing players". The team asks that fans and interested parties "bear with us" during these trying times.

Conundrums Shaving Cream Pie Video - 7/12/10

Week 9 @ Swingers

Conundrums 10
Swingers 7 (8 innings)

Attendance: 2
Year to date: 14

Conundrums Take 8 Innings to Win 7th Straight, and Season Series Against the Swingers

Lakewood, CO (TP) – The Conundrums once again lived up to their name Monday night at Lakewood Park. After jumping out to a less than impressive 6-0 lead, the Puzzlemen watched the Swingers make an incredible comeback to tie the game at 7’s in the bottom of the 7th.

But those lucky 7’s eventually proved fortuitous for the Conundrums. With the rally caps on their opponents heads, and the momentum going against them, the Puzzlers (unlike the US Men’s Soccer team against Ghana) mustered enough mustard in the extra stanza to take a 10-7 lead that they refused to relinquish.

Golden Gloves: The Conundrums once again proved that Championships are won with defense, flashing their gloves amongst the 12” tall grass, and knotty infield. Tom, Paul and Bob (yeah even Bob) each made incredible running, over-the-shoulder catches to rob the Swinger's swingers. Bob admitted after the game that his catch was sheer luck. “I was terrified,” said Bob. “All I could think of was Eddie running headlong into the right field fence, and picturing multiple butterfly bandages on my beautiful face. To be honest, I closed my eyes and fate take over.”

Eddie The Ham: Coach Tomey rewards Fast Eddie’s hot bat with a move up in the batting order. Eddie rewards coach by pulling his hamstring. To Eddie's credit, he apologized for the hammy pull, promising a more disciplined stretching regimen in future contests. Will the great experiment continue? Only the shadow knows.

Manny Corpas: In the bottom of the last inning with a comfortable two run lead, and a man on first, Starting/Closing pitcher Dale St. Aubin did his best Manny Corpas impression, serving up an ill advised “fast” ball which subsequently left the park to tie the game at 7’s. Said Dale, “Eddie called for a hanging slider. In hindsight, I should have taken his advice.”

Chocolateversy: The TWIX Crunchchocolaty Award was subject to debate this week, as Tom (4-5, RBI) snuck off with his second coach’s MVP nod of the season over weekly runner-up Brandon (3-4, RBI, SF). Tom justified his nomination by saying, “Let’s fact it, Sacrifice Flies are for sissies.”

MIA: Brubaker and Batt (a/k/a “the 2Bs) wandering the high country on secret highway and water theft expeditions. Wilcoxen takes mysterious leave of absence, leaving team hoping that Butcher’s aliens didn’t abduct Ryan too.

Tomey to High Country: Singing a John Denver tune in his head, and thinking about growing a “Mountain Vacation Beard”, Bob shirks off his weekly TWICS duties to an unprepared Emwa. Said the skipper, “To be fair, I won’t have time for the TWICS this week. Criticizing Atlas Shrugged on the banks of a high mountain lake, is at least a 7 day effort.”

Race for the Title: With their 7th win in a row, the Conundrums maintained their share of 1st place with the next opponent, and recipient of an early season 23-8 drubbing by the ‘Drums, the Fat Old Men. Not to stir up any controversy or anything, but the team should be aware that the F.O.M. are advertising the matchup as “Get Revenge on Those Beatches Night”.