Maptek T-Bones 11
Conundrums: 14


Attendance: 2
Season Total: 8

Puzzlers Nearly Give It Away, Give It Away, Give It Away Now

Early Lead Withers, 'drums Fend Off T-Bones As Time Expires

Tom Hodorff accepts Crunchoclaty MVP Award this week, 3-4, R, 2RBI, 2B. Hody later trades TWIX for a Red Ale, the first known MVP swap in team history.  Photo taken from low power phone camera purchased with 4 Kellogs Rice Crispies boxtops (courtesy R. Wilcoxen Photography, LLC)


LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - Getting a jump on their Christmas shopping, the Conundrums Softball Club was in a giving mood Monday night as they tried (in vain) to present their arch nemesis, Maptek "Give That Dog a" T-Bone a gift-wrapped  victory that had anything but the blessings of Coach Bob Tomey.  Despite many mis-tidings in the field, at the plate and on the base paths, the Puzzlers still managed to send the capacity late night crowd of 2 patrons home happy, relieved, and otherwise indifferent, as the Mystery Boys eeked out a 14-11, 6-inning time-expired win to improve their record to 5-2 in the Leisure League Standings.  The win somewhat avenges the drubbing the T-Bones bestowed upon the 'drums earlier this season and earns them a season split with their longtime pesky rivals. 

It's Late, We're Tired, We Know Not What We Do - With time winding down in the bottom of the 6th, the Posers kept the inning alive long enough to hold off the hard-charging T-Boners despite troubling developments on the diamond.  Ryan Wilcoxen, still smarting from last week's MVP snub, forgets to run to 1st after smacking one off the T-Bone hurler.  Regrettably, it ends up costing the Honda Accord owner his second TWIX Crunchoclaty of the year.  Asked about the incident, the resurgent-hitting Wilky explained  that he needed something to make observers  forget his dropped ball in the outfield 3 innings prior.  Not to be outdone, the next batter, Tom "Hody Ho", Hodorff singles, then nearly runs into Dale "Quick Pitch" St Aubin at 2B.  Overcome by his hatred of the Minnesota Vikings, Tom's devotion to the Green Bay Packers drove him to pursue "Purple People Eater" St. Aubin without abandon and inform him thusly that the Vikings suck (as if we didn't know that already, Tom!).  Finally with seconds to play, Brandon "Let's End This Now" Casey singles to end the game and the Conundrum coach's misery.

Take Me To The Other Side - With the game on the line against a perennially tough opponent, Dale "Both Sides of the Plate" St. Aubin decides during his second AB in the 2nd inning to suddenly begin a new career as a switch hitter.  Hitting from the left side and with runners on base, St. Aubin weakly pops out to Maptek's 2nd sacker, thus killing the rally.  Witnesses from behind the Puzzler bench reportedly heard Skipper Tomey's blood boiling. Undaunted, "If At First You Don't Succeed" Dale again hits from the wrong side in the 5th frame, this time ripping a single to RF.  Unimpressed, "Vein Popper" Tomey grumbles (playfully?) to those within earshot, "He's still a pri**!".  Confronted after the game, St. Aubin stoically explained to the coach he was simply bored with his profession as a right handed hitter and needed a fresh challenge.  Pressed further however, Aubbie admitted he devised the scheme after secretly meeting at a cold damp 'n dusty coffee brothel with former Conundrums Mark Satriano and Pat Sullivan.  We need not say no more.

Hey Everyone, It's Gil...Again! - In a failed attempt to impress the Puzzler Brass, Conundrum rook Gil Solano arrives to the park three hours early Monday night to prepare for the Maptek showdown.  Solano allegedly spent the free time performing a few calisthenics, reviewing the team's signs (there are two: "Swing", "Don't Swing") and thinking of creative ways to wriggle his name into this week's TWICS.   Did it help?  Despite a few good-intentioned hard hit balls, "Hitless in Lakewood" Gil went 0-3, so no, it didn't.  Indeed, nobody could actually confirm the native Texan's early arrival claim.  After all, as the old saying goes, "if a Conundrum arrives to the park 3 hours early and no one is around to see him,  does he make such an appearance?"

Where Have You Gone Jason Emmot? - For the second week in a row, Jason Emmot skips out on the team.  Last week it was due to a weak back (ba-da-boom), now this week Emwa claims he and the family are vacationing, but gives no details of where or how the clan will be spending time away from the ballclub.  TP hired the Pinkerton Investigative Agency to track down the Em clan.  Based on Emmot's travel interests profile, Pinkerton found no evidence at the Colorado Railroad Museum or Rwanda Safaris R Us of anyone named Jason or Carrie Emmot on their tourist dockets.  Emmot has been summoned into the coach's office for some "splaining" upon his return to the team. 

Poser Independence - Like Sean Butcher's dirty shirt, the Conundrums are off next week in observance of the 4th of July holiday, returning to Lakewood Park's proverbial "Diamond in the Rough" field of unmarked dreams July 9.  Players are encouraged to arrive early, but the team issues the following disclaimer:  "There is no guarantee that the 'Solano Theorem' will yield any positive on-field results.

Week 6 - @ Ralphies

Conundrums: 11
Ralphies 7

Attendance: 4
Season Total: 6

Ralphie to World:  "I Hate Everybody!"

After Cooler Heads Prevail, So Do Posers, 11-7

 

         Crafty Ries Takes Home Crunchoclaty this week after going 3-5, R, RBI

 LAKEWOOD PARK (TP) - Softballs weren't the only matter flying through the Lakewood Park air Monday night.  Unspeakable expletives were launched from the Ralphie bench during a remarkable player meltdown not seen since the Chernobyl disaster.  The player, known only as "Howitzer Ralphie", apparently forgot to take his anger management meds prior to the contest and took out his absent-mindedness on Eric Swanson, Dale St. Aubin, the home plate ump and even a few gnats brave enough to fly in his general direction.  Oh and by the way, the Conundrums prevailed 11-7 to up their record to a 4-2 mark behind a steady hitting attack by all except Coach Tomey.  But the real story began in approximately the 2nd inning after Ralphie Boy began his tirade.  After singling to left center, Ralphie swaggered hubrisly off 1st base daring the Conundrums to catch him off guard.  Later, while on 2B, he was doubled off the base but took offense when Puzzler 2-sacker Swanson tagged him with too much pressure ("ouch, you're hurting me, stop it!").  After he called Eric every name in the Book of Expletives, he gave the Wisconsin peace-nik a parting shove, then began ranting, raving to anyone within earshot.  Not satisfied, he continued to bench-razz the Puzzlers, incensed with the rapid fire release of "Quick Pitch" St. Aubin  and was finally given the heave ho and banned for the remainder of the season after he insulted the home plate ump more so than is typically customary.

Final Howitzer - One Ralphie player admitted to Coach Tomey that "Howitzer Howie" was an 11th hour waiver wire acquisition.  Tomey suggested that the Ralphies organization would be well advised to drop the troubled soul in the next 11 minutes.

And Now "Back" to Emwa - Notably MIA Monday night, Jason "Sciatica" Emmot succombed to the dreaded sore back virus in what is becoming a recurring event for "Broadband" Jason.   Anxiously awaiting lumbar updates from Emwa HQ, Puzzler players breathed easier upon learning "Metaxalone" Jason was pain-free after the family physician "Dr. "Feelgood" prescribed muscle relaxers to put the veteran Conundrum out of his misery.  Tweeting (or more likely 'twitching') from his 4 post bed in sleepy Littleton, CO, Emmot vowed never again to mock the "King of Spinal Spasms", Bob Tomey.  Given the short-term memory loss prone to humans, TWICS Pubs is skeptical, but takes the 39 year old father of 2, husband of 1 at his word.

Ghosts of Ruth/DiMaggio Taught Him Nothing - In his first game back after gracing the hallowed Baseball Hall of Fame at the Coop, Bob Tomey learns nada from the legends of the game and goes hitless in 4 plate trips, thus earning the 51 year old Golden resident the "Oxidized Tin Can" in deference to baseball's dunce-like "Golden Sombrero".

                    Tomey and Ruth chat about the '27 Yankees and 2010 Conundrums

You Take it, No You, I Insist - In the closest ever running for the Coach's Game MVP, Paul Ries wins out in a bloodless coup and is awarded the Crunchoclaty over fellow outfielder Ryan Wilcoxen.  Despite a player referendum clearly in favor of Wilky, Ries employs the old "I'm not worthy" selfless strategy, that appeals to Skip Tomey's softer side (not to be confused with his abs).  Wilky attempts a counter-measure ("Give it to Paul, he deserves it"), but it's viewed as a heartless ploy and Ries escapes with the TWIX gem in a clever coup d'etat.  Well played, Paul.

We'll Take 'Em Anyway We Can - After threatening to miss the game upon discovering a marathon running of the Bachelorette (2007-2011) during a routine channel surf, St. Aubin not only plays, but brings the whole family, thus boosting sagging attendance.  Arriving to the park, "Quick Pitch" drags wife Darcy and the kiddies to the leisure confines of 6th/Kipling.  As a bonus, a man sitting next to fabled Conundrum Dave Brubaker also admits to being a fan.  He is immediately tagged, "Dave's Sidekick" and is welcomed with the traditional Puzzler Fan Greeting Package consisting of a slap on the back and free access to the Conundrums blogosphere.

Week 5 vs Titans

Titans: 14
Conundrums: 11

Attendance: 0
Season Total: 2

Titans Rule the Pantheon

Conundrums lose battle against Zeus, Hades, and even Hera

Guest host Ryan Wilcoxen presents the coaches MVP award (Killians Red) to team MVP Tim Doherty (1-4, 0 R, 0 RBI) for couragous acts in the face of extreme adversity.  That's how we roll on this team. 

Lakewood, CO (TP) – The Conundrums put up a valiant effort on Monday night, yet dropped a close game 14-11 against newfound rivals the Titans. The Conundrums simply couldn’t muster the mustard while playing a man down (technically a “person down”) for the entire game.

The Conundrums trailed from the beginning, yet stayed within striking distance the entire way. Finding themselves down by a paltry 3 runs entering the bottom of the 9th inning, the Puzzlers shat the proverbial bed, scoring exactly zero (0) runs before retiring to the bleachers for the traditional banter, manly softball beverages, and stories we’ve all heard more than once. Gone are the days of topical political mockery spearheaded by the likes of Satriano and Sullivan. Lo how we miss listening to Duschinski, Ritchie and Layton address quality, beer-soaked topics such as v-strokes, belt drives, and soft-tails. Anyhow, I digress…

MIA Tomey: Coach Bob could not attend as he was touring the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY. At the same time the Puzzler’s leader was ironically being inspired by the greatest teammates to ever grace the diamond, his team was unsuccessfully, yet valiantly, battling the mighty Titans without him, quite literally leaving blood, sweat and beers on the field.

A statistical analysis performed after the game indicated that the Conundrums had a 86.932% chance of winning the game had Bob played. However, all was quickly forgiven as word spread that Bob planned to distribute gifts to the team consisting of trinkets acquired at the Cooperstown gift shop. Butcher couldn’t contain his excitement as he anticipated a HOF bottle opener. Wilcoxen practically hyperventilated as he imagined his lukewarm PBR wrapped in a Ryne Sandberg beer koozie.

MIA Casey: Celebrating the historical first anniversary of his wedding, Brandon skipped out on the team as well. Congratulations Brandon! We all knew you could make it a year. Well…everyone except for Dave, who now owes the rest of the team $1 each from the Casey wedding pool.

That’s Gonna Leave a Mark: Iron man, and interim Third Baseman, Timmy D took a screamer off his left forearm in the 5th inning resulting in a blood filled, bulbous lump, approximately the size of a medium sized hamster. All signs, except for Tim’s stiff lip, adequate finger mobility, and lack of screaming, pointed towards a broken Radius.

In a stoic show of Kirk Gibson(ish) proportions, Timmy took only one inning off (leaving the Conundrums two (2) persons down), returning the field to bat in the bottom of the 6th inning. As Tim limped into the batter’s box, he gingerly gripped the bat, stared down Dennis Eckersley (or some guy that looked nothing like Dennis in any shape or form) and dug his foot into the playground sand. The pitch was delivered, and Tim swung the bat with the might of a man twice his size. Alas, the storybook ending was not to be, as the stoke was grounded weakly to the 2nd baseman who threw him out by 15 steps.

Fun Fact of the Day: Despite the loss to the Titans, the Conundrums hold the tie-breaker against the newbies by virtue of run differential.

Hey Eric! Yeah, I’m talking to YOU: You’re welcome in advance. Now, bookmark this URL: http://conundrumsoftball.blogspot.com/



Week 3 vs. High Society

High Society 2
Conundrums 14 (5 Innings)

Attendance: 1
Season Total: 2

How Rude! 

Conundrums show High Society Poor Etiquette, Get Back on Track with 14-2 Non-Nail Biter

Coach Tomey awards Game Crunchoclaty to Ryan Wilcoxen, 3-3, 2RBI, 2R, no triples

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - Contrary to popular belief, the death of the TWICS staff-writer(s) has been greatly if not somewhat exaggerated.  After a 5 week vow of silence, the TWICS are back in town (yahoo!) (oh sh*t!)  Two byes and one forgettable loss later, the Conundrums scored a decisive victory over High Society,  14-2.  Ironically, the Emily Post admirers violated a basic tenet of softball tradition when they smacked a couple of pitches back through the Puzzler box, thus nearly decapitating Conundrum hurler and newly ordained lame lower back sufferer, Dale St. Aubin.  Notwithstanding Society’s eyebrow-raising tactics, the Puzzlers  easily disposed of their new rival in the first ever matchup. 

A Most Unusual Rule - Things got a bit testy after the field ump called both the Society batter and runner out in the 3^rd inning resulting in a most unusual double play.  According to 2^nd sacker Swanson, he noticed the Society runner approaching the base, then attempt to distract the bewildered dad from Cheese Lake Wisconsin by wildly flapping his arms and performing the “Chicken Dance".  The ump pulled out his record book and read verbatim Chapter 14, Section 9, Paragraph 38, “Infractions Involving Chicken Dancing While Running the Bases”.  Nobody familiar with Lakewood softball history could ever recall that rule ever invoked, but then again who knew there would one day be a cure for teeth grinding? 

Wilky’s No Triple Threat - Even though he failed to hit a triple - his self-proclaimed cornerstone accomplishment - Ryan Wilcoxen “earned” his first TWIX MVP Crunchoclaty in who knows how long.  It was recorded with little fanfare.  There were no speeches.  No high fives, no promises to elevate his status higher than 6^th in the batting order.  In fact, if it weren’t for the photo op that proved he actually took possession of the luscious caramelly gem, it would remain unsubstantiated for years to come.     

Now Get Away From That Cradle and Make Your Son Proud -  Providing the only accredited excuse from the “Gang of 6” that snubbed the film premiere of the “Year of the Puzzler”, Eric “My Boys Did Swim and I Have the Cahonas to Prove It” Swanson returns to the team after giving birth to the next Gen Puzzler.  Mark your calendar – Baby Swan is expected to join the roster in the year 2042 give or take a few years after he inevitably gets cut from the Lakewood D Comp team and is relegated to E League Softball. 

She’s a Real Doll – We’re not sure who she was or where she came from, but this Mystery fan quietly cheered on the Mystery Boys Monday night.  Yeah, that’s right this plastic beauty was officially documented as a registered fan.  Details of her appearance at the park remain a blur (as does this pathetic photo).

When asked if she would become a regular at all games, the Lady in the purple pumps remained silent and smiled blankly.  This captured the hearts of a few players, you bet your bippy.

If You Film It, 50% Will Come – The long awaited and past due film production of the Conundrums 2010 championship season TWIXumentary premiered May 22 and was hailed for its pomp and lack of good taste.  Of the 50% of the players who were on hand, 32% gave the film a Thumbs Up, 53% thought the producers were full of themselves, 15% couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry and Dave “I Never Met a Beer Fest I Didn’t Like” Brubaker didn’t stay awake long enough to submit his review.  Due to slow sales, the film was abruptly pulled from the theatres and will be available on Blu-Ray, DVD, coming soon.  Comcast and Directv, politely declined to pick it up on for their On Demand audience citing inappropriate content for their viewers.  One cable exec admitted, “We don’t have a genre defined for this story.  We do not understand why this film was made.”