Ralphies 7
Attendance: 4
Season Total: 6
Ralphie to World: "I Hate Everybody!"
After Cooler Heads Prevail, So Do Posers, 11-7
LAKEWOOD PARK (TP) - Softballs weren't the only matter flying through the Lakewood Park air Monday night. Unspeakable expletives were launched from the Ralphie bench during a remarkable player meltdown not seen since the Chernobyl disaster. The player, known only as "Howitzer Ralphie", apparently forgot to take his anger management meds prior to the contest and took out his absent-mindedness on Eric Swanson, Dale St. Aubin, the home plate ump and even a few gnats brave enough to fly in his general direction. Oh and by the way, the Conundrums prevailed 11-7 to up their record to a 4-2 mark behind a steady hitting attack by all except Coach Tomey. But the real story began in approximately the 2nd inning after Ralphie Boy began his tirade. After singling to left center, Ralphie swaggered hubrisly off 1st base daring the Conundrums to catch him off guard. Later, while on 2B, he was doubled off the base but took offense when Puzzler 2-sacker Swanson tagged him with too much pressure ("ouch, you're hurting me, stop it!"). After he called Eric every name in the Book of Expletives, he gave the Wisconsin peace-nik a parting shove, then began ranting, raving to anyone within earshot. Not satisfied, he continued to bench-razz the Puzzlers, incensed with the rapid fire release of "Quick Pitch" St. Aubin and was finally given the heave ho and banned for the remainder of the season after he insulted the home plate ump more so than is typically customary.
Final Howitzer - One Ralphie player admitted to Coach Tomey that "Howitzer Howie" was an 11th hour waiver wire acquisition. Tomey suggested that the Ralphies organization would be well advised to drop the troubled soul in the next 11 minutes.
And Now "Back" to Emwa - Notably MIA Monday night, Jason "Sciatica" Emmot succombed to the dreaded sore back virus in what is becoming a recurring event for "Broadband" Jason. Anxiously awaiting lumbar updates from Emwa HQ, Puzzler players breathed easier upon learning "Metaxalone" Jason was pain-free after the family physician "Dr. "Feelgood" prescribed muscle relaxers to put the veteran Conundrum out of his misery. Tweeting (or more likely 'twitching') from his 4 post bed in sleepy Littleton, CO, Emmot vowed never again to mock the "King of Spinal Spasms", Bob Tomey. Given the short-term memory loss prone to humans, TWICS Pubs is skeptical, but takes the 39 year old father of 2, husband of 1 at his word.
Ghosts of Ruth/DiMaggio Taught Him Nothing - In his first game back after gracing the hallowed Baseball Hall of Fame at the Coop, Bob Tomey learns nada from the legends of the game and goes hitless in 4 plate trips, thus earning the 51 year old Golden resident the "Oxidized Tin Can" in deference to baseball's dunce-like "Golden Sombrero".
You Take it, No You, I Insist - In the closest ever running for the Coach's Game MVP, Paul Ries wins out in a bloodless coup and is awarded the Crunchoclaty over fellow outfielder Ryan Wilcoxen. Despite a player referendum clearly in favor of Wilky, Ries employs the old "I'm not worthy" selfless strategy, that appeals to Skip Tomey's softer side (not to be confused with his abs). Wilky attempts a counter-measure ("Give it to Paul, he deserves it"), but it's viewed as a heartless ploy and Ries escapes with the TWIX gem in a clever coup d'etat. Well played, Paul.
We'll Take 'Em Anyway We Can - After threatening to miss the game upon discovering a marathon running of the Bachelorette (2007-2011) during a routine channel surf, St. Aubin not only plays, but brings the whole family, thus boosting sagging attendance. Arriving to the park, "Quick Pitch" drags wife Darcy and the kiddies to the leisure confines of 6th/Kipling. As a bonus, a man sitting next to fabled Conundrum Dave Brubaker also admits to being a fan. He is immediately tagged, "Dave's Sidekick" and is welcomed with the traditional Puzzler Fan Greeting Package consisting of a slap on the back and free access to the Conundrums blogosphere.
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