Conundrums 14 (5 Innings)
Attendance: 1
Season Total: 2
How Rude!
Conundrums show High Society Poor Etiquette, Get Back on Track with 14-2 Non-Nail Biter
Coach Tomey awards Game Crunchoclaty to Ryan Wilcoxen, 3-3, 2RBI, 2R, no triples
LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - Contrary to popular belief, the death of the TWICS staff-writer(s) has been greatly if not somewhat exaggerated. After a 5 week vow of silence, the TWICS are back in town (yahoo!) (oh sh*t!) Two byes and one forgettable loss later, the Conundrums scored a decisive victory over High Society, 14-2. Ironically, the Emily Post admirers violated a basic tenet of softball tradition when they smacked a couple of pitches back through the Puzzler box, thus nearly decapitating Conundrum hurler and newly ordained lame lower back sufferer, Dale St. Aubin. Notwithstanding Society’s eyebrow-raising tactics, the Puzzlers easily disposed of their new rival in the first ever matchup.
A Most Unusual Rule - Things got a bit testy after the field ump called both the Society batter and runner out in the 3rd inning resulting in a most unusual double play. According to 2nd sacker Swanson, he noticed the Society runner approaching the base, then attempt to distract the bewildered dad from Cheese Lake Wisconsin by wildly flapping his arms and performing the “Chicken Dance". The ump pulled out his record book and read verbatim Chapter 14, Section 9, Paragraph 38, “Infractions Involving Chicken Dancing While Running the Bases”. Nobody familiar with Lakewood softball history could ever recall that rule ever invoked, but then again who knew there would one day be a cure for teeth grinding?
Wilky’s No Triple Threat - Even though he failed to hit a triple - his self-proclaimed cornerstone accomplishment - Ryan Wilcoxen “earned” his first TWIX MVP Crunchoclaty in who knows how long. It was recorded with little fanfare. There were no speeches. No high fives, no promises to elevate his status higher than 6th in the batting order. In fact, if it weren’t for the photo op that proved he actually took possession of the luscious caramelly gem, it would remain unsubstantiated for years to come.
Now Get Away From That Cradle and Make Your Son Proud - Providing the only accredited excuse from the “Gang of 6” that snubbed the film premiere of the “Year of the Puzzler”, Eric “My Boys Did Swim and I Have the Cahonas to Prove It” Swanson returns to the team after giving birth to the next Gen Puzzler. Mark your calendar – Baby Swan is expected to join the roster in the year 2042 give or take a few years after he inevitably gets cut from the Lakewood D Comp team and is relegated to E League Softball.
She’s a Real Doll – We’re not sure who she was or where she came from, but this Mystery fan quietly cheered on the Mystery Boys Monday night. Yeah, that’s right this plastic beauty was officially documented as a registered fan. Details of her appearance at the park remain a blur (as does this pathetic photo).When asked if she would become a regular at all games, the Lady in the purple pumps remained silent and smiled blankly. This captured the hearts of a few players, you bet your bippy.
If You Film It, 50% Will Come – The long awaited and past due film production of the Conundrums 2010 championship season TWIXumentary premiered May 22 and was hailed for its pomp and lack of good taste. Of the 50% of the players who were on hand, 32% gave the film a Thumbs Up, 53% thought the producers were full of themselves, 15% couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry and Dave “I Never Met a Beer Fest I Didn’t Like” Brubaker didn’t stay awake long enough to submit his review. Due to slow sales, the film was abruptly pulled from the theatres and will be available on Blu-Ray, DVD, coming soon. Comcast and Directv, politely declined to pick it up on for their On Demand audience citing inappropriate content for their viewers. One cable exec admitted, “We don’t have a genre defined for this story. We do not understand why this film was made.”
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