The Year of the Puzzler - The 2010 Conundrums Championship

In April 2010 the Conundrums embarked upon their 13th year in the Lakewood Leisure Softball League.  But as the team entered training camp, questions remained unanswered. The team's crushing loss in the 2009 tournament left the players devastated.  And after yet another second place finish to arch rival Rusty Machine, the club's future remained uncertain.  Free agent Brandon Casey was expected to help bolster the infield, yet he was an unproven commodity.  The club was aging.  Would player/coach Bob Tomey's decrepit back hold up to the rigors of the new year.  Would the middle lineup of Aubin/Emmot/Ries/Wilcoxen provide clutch hitting at crucial moments?  What about the pitching?  Sean Butcher had been the workhorse (really?) for years but upstart Dale St. Aubin was knocking at the ace's door (or mound).  The Year of the Puzzler examines these issues as the film chronicles the Conundrums' 2010 season, the quest for the championship that has alluded them since 2004.  But the film is more than just a highlight reel - it's a critical documentary into the many nuances of the many players throughout that glorious season.  Paul Ries' amazing hit streak, Jason Emmot's scruffy beard in need of a serious shave, Bob Tomey's penny folly.  At times funny, occasionally incomprehensible, yet always informative, the film provides a window into the lives of the players and their fans.  There's even a surprise interview with former Conundrum Mark "Comrade" Satriano.  Two years behind schedule, The Year of the Puzzle was fraught with many post production problems - filmmaker Bob "Spongpants" Tomey nearly abandoned the project after falling asleep in his studio, awakening to find dried up saliva on his laptop keyboard.  But with many of life's endless challenges, Mrs. Tomey's Son found inner strength after receiving a vision he claimed was delivered from Martin Scorcese's key grip, prodding the troubled soul to press on, and on and...

Though no awards have been handed out for the film (nor are any expected), The Year of the Puzzler is must-see for any connoisseur of low budget amateurish beer league softball entertainment.  (This film has not been rated by the Motion Picture Association of America.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGx-zbRWj6A

Game 1

Dukes 6
Conundrums 16 (5 Innings)

Game 2
Conundrums 20
Dukes 8 (4 Innings)

Attendance: 4
Season Total: 33

A Tale of Trifecta!

Puzzlers Randomly Clinch 3rd Straight Title, End Season on Picture Perfect Night

 2012 Lakewood Leisure League Champions - Conundrums pose for 2012 team photo after clinching their 3rd straight league title.  Bottom Row:  Eric Swanson, Tim Doherty, Dave Brubaker, Gil Solano, Jason Emmot; Top Row - Paul Ries, Ryan Wilcoxen, Bob Tomey, Tom Hodorff, Dale St. Aubin, Sean Butcher (Not Pictured: Brandon Casey)



 LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - In a nod to Old Blue Eyes, the Conundrums did it their way Monday night, clinching their third consecutive Lakewood Leisure League championship in random fashion over a spirited yet clearly outmatched Dukes ball club.  In the last of 4 straight doubleheaders, the Posers smashed yet another opponent and finished the season with a spectacular 11 straight victories, including the pennant finale which featured the time-honored tradition of random batting orders and random fielding positioning.  It was also Team Photo Night and the team mug shot displayed a sea of smiles after the ?-Markers three-peated their way to the 2012 title.  Game 1 was played in conventional fashion with the game clearly in the team's back pocket after a 9 run opening inning burst.  In the randomizing game 2, the 'drums duplicated the 1st inning hitting attack with another 9 run barrage.  But the aging, yet crafty Duke hitters, who could have been mistaken for a cluster of Tomeys and Dohertys kept dinking soft liners between the randomly placed Conundrum fielders and clawed their way back, shaving the deficit to 9-8 after 3 innings.  But no matter how you scrambled them, this killer Puzzler offense came alive again in the final 2 innings scoring another 11 times to bury the Dukes for good and close the door on another great season.

A True Conundrum Patriot - Random Night might not have been possible if coach Bob Tomey had his way.  Tomey attempted to derail Random Night allegedly with the memory of last year's Random loss to the Ralphies still intact.  But Jason Emmot was not about to let his prized Random Night creation go by the wayside without a bully pulpit fight.  In what is now being romanticized as "The Emmot Doctrine", Emwa published his eloquent treatise, arguing passionately on chance merits and won player hearts, minds and other body organs to ensure the tradition of Random Night was kept alive.  Happily, even coach Tomey converted back to Random Religion and admitted that all things random in Game #2 was the driving force that propelled the team's victorious finish.  The Emmot Doctrine captures the team's spirit and identity insomuch as the Declaration of Independence and JFK's presidential inaugural speech defined the American Experience.  My fellow Conundrums, when in the course of softball events, ask not what your Puzzler can do for you, ask what you can do for your Puzzler.

 

Taking Chance With Hody Do -  Tom Hodorff accepts Random Crunchoclaty MVP selected from Random.org  Hodorff:  "It was an accident waiting to happen!"  Coach Tomey showcases Game 1 MVP award awarded moments later.... 

Brubey's Balancing Act - Showing he's not just another pretty face, Dave Brubaker (4-4, 3R, RBI) balances his Coors while accepting the Game #1 MVP TWIX Award

The Crunchoclaty Gods Were Kind to the Rook - Since Eric Swanson first cracked the Conundrums roster back in 2007 (it took him four tryouts), and followed up in 2008-10 by Tom Hody Do Hodorff, Paul "Web Gem" Ries, and Brandon "Hot Corner" Casey, no rookie has ever played an entire first year without winning at least one Crunchoclaty game MVP.  In 2012 highly touted rookie Gil Solano had failed to take the prized TWIX through the first 15 games.  It's fair to say Solano came into the Random Night finale with a sense of MVP urgency.  After an impressive finality Monday night, Solano (2-2, 2R, SF, Inside Park HR), 4RBI shared game 2 MVP honors with Ryan Wilcoxen (4-4, 2B, 2R, 2RBI) and kept the rookie game MVP streak alive.  Down the stretch, Solano was believed to be so traumatized, he nearly broke down. 

Tug-a-Twix - Ryan Wilcoxen (left) shares Game 2 MVP TWIX with rookie Gil Solano.  Gil/Ryan agreed the coach should have presented the mini TWIX - after one bite, they asked for doggy bags.  Wilky announced plans to freeze his leftovers, while Solano remained uncommitted

Tournament Watch - The #1 tourney seed Conundrums prepare for their first round match up Sunday at Addenbrooke Park.  The Puzzlers will attempt to win their second tourney in three years.  After making a splash with three come from behind victories to take it all in 2010, the Posers were bitten by the injury bug in last year's tourney, bowing out with less than a whimper in the first round.  The resurgent Conundrums hope for redemption and stay hot, keeping their momentum alive for 3 more games.  First pitch is lobbed at 11am, don't forget to bring your Puzzler Terrible Towels mailed to all season ticket holders last week.

Green Mountain Kings Doubleheader - 8/6/12

Game 1
Conundrums 6
Green Mountain Kings 0

Game 2
Green Mountain Kings 12
Conundrums 22 (5 Innings)

Attendance: 5
Season Total: 29

Open The Door And Let "Em In

Conundrums' Sweep, Coupled With Titan Loss Provides Clear Path to 3-Peat

MVP's:  Game 1 Coach's Award goes to J. Emmot (3-4, 2B (9)
R (21), RBI (25); Game 2 nod went to P. Ries (3-4, 3B(2), Inside
Park HR (3), 3R (26), 4RBI (21); Congratulations to both!   

 

 

 LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - Despite a nasty Green Mountain knuckleballer throwing a rubbish pitch that would make junk bonds fraudster Michael Milken wince, the Conundrums defense - behind Dale St. Aubin's first complete game shutout of the year - stymied the GMK's in the first game of yet another twin bill, then settled in for the nightcap with a typical Puzzler feast in Game 2 to sweep the hapless "Colorful Mountains Royals".  The Posers were treated to a bonus when they discovered that the seemingly invincible Titans were shocked by the Maptek T-Bones 19-18 upset in their DH finale, locking the 'drums and Titanics into a virtual tie in the Lakewood Leisure League Standings.  By reason of both insanity and tie-breaker rules, the Conundrums can clinch their third straight leisure league title with a season-ending doubleheader sweep of The Dukes next Monday.  It's simple (even for softball guys):  take care of business and be the proud recipients of yet another cheaply designed T-shirt and $85-off coupon, redeemable in 2013.

 

Call The Umpire Repair Man! - Unnamed game umpire had trouble turning the yap button off (even during play when player/coach Bob Tomey was fielding infield throws at 1B).  Case in point:  "Hey that's gonna cost him a case of beer (Out at First!).  On my softball team, we make 'em run the bases (Strike 2!), but we're a bit tougher than you guys (Foul Ball!)...

 

Banal Butchering - In game 2, Sean Butcher made a serious run at his second MVP of the year with two notable highlights:  Firstly, Butch knocked in a pair of runs in a single AB!  The historical record shows no evidence that this has ever happened - yet another milestone in a season fraught with team accomplishment.  Then, prior to the bottom of the 5th, Sean boomed out in commanding tones to his mates that he - and he alone - should knock in the game-ending RBI.  The Wheat Ridge resident's powerful vociferations are matched only by his equally magnanimous boiler, and the players took notice.  With two outs and the speedy Wilcoxen on 2B, Butcher dinked a Rhode Island Leaguer over second base, thus scoring Wilky and ending the game.  Unfortunately, all that and a 2 for 4 performance  wasn't enough to land Sean the TWIX - Bitter, Sean vowed never ever again to contribute so mightily to the Conundrum cause.

 

Please Listen Carefully as Our Menu Has Changed - The good news on Field #3's scoreboard:  it works just fine.  The bad news:  #3's scorekeeper has not been fully trained on how to light it up or to keep score.  Balls, strikes, outs were never recorded and the lady in the tower had trouble keeping track of all 6 runs the Conundrums scored in game #1.  The control panel with its complex scheme of "on/off" "stop/start" buttons finally led to an in-game call to the manufacturer's Help Desk.  Nobody is really sure what the problem was as she was still on hold after completion of game 2. 

 

That's A Croc - Minding his own business in the on-deck circle, TWICS beat writer Tomey was busy contriving the evening's TWICS headlines when a Tim Doherty SCUD missile was launched his way, theatening bodily harm.  Tomey averted serious injury when he was able to do some nifty tap dancing to avoid Doherty's errant foul ball.  When asked how he was able to move those flat feet so quickly, the 51 year old Bob responded, "I learned those moves when I was Chief Mine Sweeper in the alligator-infested Florida Everglades years ago."

 

Quote of The Night:  "My ass hurts" - Ryan Wilcoxen after driving 1400 miles from U-Per, Michigan to make the game.

 

To Randomize Or Not To Randomize - With two games left and the Mystery Boys needing to win both in order to secure the league title, the question of Random Night is now a serious dilemma.  Should the Conundrums go full throttle and bury the hapless 3-11 Dukes and forego traditon or risk the Random gods serving up Sean Butcher at shortstop, Paul Ries - with his cannon arm - underhanding 68 mph pitches to the backstop, and relying upon Bob "lame arm" Tomey to save the game by gunning down a runner at home from LC?  Ah, these are the age old questions.  Stay tuned....

 

Conundrum Olympiad I - The first ever Conundrum Olympics were held on a dark grassy knoll outside Field #3 Monday night and what a spectacle it was - event sponsor and visionary Eric "Barry Fay" Swanson pulled the event off without a hitch and fittingly won the gold medal in the only event, the 76 meter race by a hair over slightly favored Paul Ries.  Ries, who won the Iowa State Cornfield qualifing heat to represent the Hawkeye state, got a late start and finished with the silver.  Ryan Wilcoxen finished with the bronze while Jason "It's Hammy Time" Emmot came up lame and failed to finish.  Sean Butcher was a late addition to the field, but after the first step decided to angle off towards an exposed PBR waiting for him on the sidelines rather than risk Suds Theft.  The only downer was the poor video quality.  Bob Tomey creator of the critically acclaimed "Year of the Puzzler" award-winning film tarnished his reputation when his camera skimmed the tops of the heads of the runners as they crossed the finish line.  Apparently the term "photo finish" rang hollow to the frazzled Scorcesi wanna be.  Nevertheless nothing could dampen Swanson's beaming pride as he proclaimed:  "This is the best Olympics ever!"

Motorboaters Doubleheader - 7/30/12

Game 1
Motorboaters 3
Conundrums 15 (5 Innings)

Game 2
Conundrums 18
Motorboaters 2 (4 Innings)

Attendance:  2
Season Total:  24  

We Need More Brooms!

Puzzler Mojo Continues, Beleaguered Motorboaters Latest Victims in Double Blowout

                             Coach Tomey presents Game 1 (St. Aubin) and 2 (Casey) with post-game
                                       TWIX MVP's.  Future Conundrum star, Ryan St. Aubin looks on.

  LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - The Conundrums left the Motorboaters dead in the water Monday night with another double massacre.  It was the fourth straight game in which the Posers finished off an opponent in 5 or less innings as the 'drums continued to hit the snot out of the ball - which is good considering the sticky situation that would otherwise bear witness.  During this span, the Mysterians' team BA has surged from .542 to .581, a spike of approximately 39 points.  This hitting synchronization is nothing short of a harmonic blitzkrieg.  With four games left, the Conundrums are poised for another strong finish.

I've Got A Mouth and I'm Not Afraid To Use It - Ordaining himself the new leader of the Conundrums Swagger Movement, Dale St Aubin - from the safety of his perch on the mound -  went at it jaw to jaw, toe to toe with the Motorhead dugout.  There were no bench clearings to report, as there was little evidence of combativeness present on the Motor City Vessel.  Yet Aubbie seemed to enjoy his jibber-jabberwalk and talk.  And while the official team position on smack talking was outlawed during the franchise's Donnie Baker era (aka the "Viper Dark Ages"), St. Aubie's blustering tends to take his mischievous mind away from notions of pitching behind his back left-legged.

Brubey's Moving Violation -   When 3rd base coach Tim "Officer" Doherty ordered an out of control Dave "Brakeless" Brubaker to halt, he didn't simply ignore the bewildered senior Conundrum on his way to scoring; Brubey had the presence of mind to reply, "No, you can't make me!".  It was the first time ever that a base-runner verbally instructed his 3rd base coach to euphemistically "shove it".  David has been ordered to enroll in the club's Player Sensitivity Training program.  It's the 3rd time he's taken the course.

Where Did This TWIC Come From?? - One week removed from his rarefied cycle, Jason "Life Is a Cycle, Then You Start Over Again" Emmot nearly repeats the feat when he hits a 1B, 2B, 3B and then a HR-O.  Emmot first dubbed the anomaly the "Bizarro Cycle", but later amended the nomenclature to "Bandit Cycle" as a slam against arch Conundrum rival, Dale St. Aubin who refuses to stop hitting the game's 1st and only home run, before Em can release all that pent-up power.  Relations between the two slam artists remains amiable although Jason did cancel their annual golf 'n fishing weekend, citing a sudden commitment to see "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change" with his in-laws.

Swanny World Tour Cancelled - Visionary, founder, promoter, and self-proclaimed favorite to win the  Conundrums 1st Olympiad in the 41 meter sprint to be held on August 6, Eric "Uni-Athelon" Swanson shatters his make believe reputation when he dogs it running the bases.  Failing to score from 2B on a Jason Emmot double, Swanny claims that third brat consumed during a ribbon-cutting lunch ceremony did him in.   As of this writing, Swanson is listed as a Vegas 40-1 shot to make it past the qualifying round in the Olympics.  After tonight's games, sponsors from Coke, Gillette and Compound W all pulled Swanny ads.

He'll Go For the Gold - In a rarity only matched by the coming of Armageddon, veteran Poser, Sean Butcher was minding his own business, thinking whether he should send his bookie a funny or sentimental birthday card, when suddenly he was summoned to 1st base to run for Brandon Casey who came up lame after leaning over to scoop up a buffalo head nickel while running the bases.  Six singles later, "Loose Legs" Butcher scored, then promptly registered for the Conundrum Olympics.


Tomey to Wilk: "I Got Yer Back" - With Ryan "U-Per" Wilcoxen vacationing in beautiful Mackinaw Island, Michigan, many wondered who would keep the team's 12 game "Dropped Ball" streak alive?  Stepping up like he's never done before, 1st base sacker, Bob Tomey came through in the clutch, fumbling a soaring pop up.  Sadly, "Slippery Glove" Tomey avoided a charged error, when alert 2B sacker Doherty picked up the live ball and touched 1st base to record the putout.  Moments later, Ryan called to congratulate Tomey for keeping the dream alive.

Benchwarmers - Doubleheader

 Game 1
Benchwarmers 4
Conundrums 21

Game 2
Conundrums 15
Benchwarmers 2
Attendance: 9

Season Total: 22

Puzzler Sweep!

Conundrums Take First Step Towards Securing Post-Season Berth, Crush Warmers Twice

                   Double-Crossed MVP's - Coach Tomey awards Game 1 and 2 Crunchoclaty TWIX's to Dave Brubaker (4-4, 3RBI, 2R, Jason Emmot (4-4, Hits for cycle, 6 RBI's - Congratulations!  May the caramel be with you                                 

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - On a windy, occasionally moist Monday, the 'drums got-a-beatin' as the Puzzlers launched the first of four consecutive two-for-the-price-of-one shows.  It wasn't close - well maybe before the first game pitches were heaved - the demoralized Benchwarmers were thrashed in both contests as the Conundrums claimed 2nd place supremacy and are on a path towards securing a post-season invitation to the Lakewood Leisure tournament.  On this night, Poser after Poser from top to bottom showed why for the past two seasons this team has been the most feared in all of E-League ball in the lesser Lakewood metropolitan area.  In game 1, Dave "Construction Zone" Brubaker won the MVP, but there were plenty of suitors to choose from as the team pounded no less or more than 24 hits in a 4 inning rout. In game 2, led by Jason "Hit For The Cycle"  Emmot, the Conundrum bats were a bit less vociferous; nevertheless by the 5th inning, the Warmers cried auntie, and so everyone just shook hands and called it a night.

And then the Saint Said, 'It Shall Be Mine' - Believing that crunchoclaty awards is a family birthright, Dale St. Aubin unilaterally decrees the game's first game MVP award to be his, and his alone.  Coach Tomey condemned Dale's caramelly hubris and added insult to injury by informing the Conundrums' flustered hurler that his roaming 4 year old kid Ryan was attempting to pinch hit over on field #3.

I'm Not Worthy - With a perfect 4-4 performance in the first game, leadoff guy Dave Brubaker accomplished what no Brubaker has been able to do this season - earn a coach's MVP.  With an equally humdrum 1-4 in game 2, "Asphalt Engineer" Dave nearly neutralized his triumph.  In the end, Dave's selfless team record, his loyalty to the club and ceaseless whimpering was enough to say "OK, here you go".

Life's a Cycle - Jason "4-Tool" Emmot" becomes the first Conundrum in modern history to hit for the cycle while collecting 6 RBI's to boot.  On his final AB in game 2, needing a triple, Emmot hit a screamer that split the right-center outfielders, raced around the diamond and beat the throw to 3rd easily.  In an odd twist, 3B coach Paul Ries - who was denied his very own cycle two years earlier when the game ended prior to his last AB - was seen attempting to send Jason back to 2B.  Go figure.

Particle Softball Physics in Motion - In game 1, Brandon "Hot Corner" Casey nearly became the first Conundrum to hit for the "anti-cycle".  Casey notched an HR-O in his second AB and in between he was retired at 3B and 2B.  The only base the third year Conundrum didn't make an out at was 1B and was denied the glory only for the fact he had only three plate appearances.  It could have marked the first time in the history of organized slow-pitch leisure league softball in Lakewood CO that there was a classic and anti cycle recorded in the same doubleheader. 

The Battle For SF Supremacy Rages On - With his two sac-flies in game 2, Tom Hodorff took another step forward towards wrapping up the 2012 SF mark.  With 4 SF's through 10 games, Hody Do leap-frogged over fellow mate, Tim "Oldest Conundrum" Doherty who has 3.  The two are neck and neck and with 6 games still to play, it's too early to declare a winner in this hotly contested altruistic stat.  It reminds many of the Ruth vs. Maris HR race that embraced a nation back in 1961. 

Conundrum Sidebar - We (mercifully) end this TWICS edition with this little exchange overheard by a nosy coach during a brief interlude during Game 2:

Emmot:  Nothing destroys a softball swing like a golf swing.
Wilcoxen:  Humph
Emmot:  'Course, softball swings also hurt your golf swing.
Wicoxen:  Humph

Conundrums 16
High Society: 11

Attendance: 5
Season Total: 13

Butchered Society!

Long Relief Veteran Comes Out Of Bullpen, Stymies High Society

Sean Butcher gets coach kudos as this week's TWICS Crunchoclaty MVP recipient.  
Butch saved Puzzler bacon with his pedestrian pitching performance.  Though he failed to
 eclipse  any records, he didn't get mad at anybody except Dale St. Aubin, whom he vowed 
never to speak to again.

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - The last time he pitched a game, it ended with the Posers celebrating their second league title on July 26, 2010.  Almost two years later, Sean (the) Butcher rises from the Dale St. Aubin ashes, turns in his catcher's mitt for a pitcher's glove to rescue the Conundrums with a perfectly mediocre pitching performance and notch his first win of the year.  Sean's 2012 debut was nearly spoiled as the Puzzlers fell into a malaise for the first 5 innings.  In the 6th and final inning, however, those metal sticks arose from the grave as the team rallied, erasing an 11-9 deficit, scoring 7 times (5 of those runs were scored after two were out) and the Conundrums held off the disappointed High Societers to win their third straight victory.  Sean's pitching performance was made possible after starter, Dale St. Aubin dialed the coach up 72 minutes before game time to request a leave of his senses, errr, absence.  Mrs. St. Aubin allegedly left the starting hurler with kid-watching duties.  Meanwhile, coach Tomey was shocked when the phone rang.  Said Robert of Golden:  "The only question I had for Dale was what took him so long to call me?"

The Return of #32 - Old Glory himself, Eddie "Go Get 'Em, Boys" Layton returns as the Conundrums special guest.  Layton, who retired after 14 years as the Conundrums backstopper, appeared for the first time since shocking the softball world when he announced his retirement just prior to spring training.  Layton was hired on as team consultant in charge of scouting.  It should be clarified that his scouting duties were limited to finding fans, not players for the team.  Judging by the lackluster attendance to date, Mr. Layton may be forced into another retirement soon....very soon.

Someday kid, this is Gonna Be You - Returning to his first Conundrum ballgame in 5 weeks, Jason Emmot drags kid Brendan along to prep the youngster for when his day as daddy's replacement arrives.  Young Emmot was impressed with his big league surroundings, but it was apparent that he had a busy schedule lined up that night as he repeatedly asked, "when will the game be over?"

2 Car Pileup at Home and Plate - During the Conundrums' 6th inning rally, Tom Hodorff ran a red light and smashed into High Society's impeccably dressed catcher, triggering an unsavory chain of events.  Trailing Mr Handyman, Brandon "I Will Follow" Casey has to hit the breaks to avoid a second crash.  Hody Do gets credit for a run scored, but was issued a citation by Mr. "Corner" for an R.O.C. (Running Over the Catcher), which carries a $50 fine and 4 points off his base running license.  Check out the Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma'am! highlight reel:

Creative Gate Manipulation #101 - The Conundrums get ready for the home stretch run and will play 4 consecutive doubleheaders for the remainder of the season.  This is unwelcome news for team officials, already howling over the low attendance figures through the first 7 games.  The "two for the price of one" games will result in a further decline of 50% attendance for the last 8 games.  To mitigate such a disaster, the Puzzlers have announced that fans will be required to leave the park after the first game, get in their vehicles, drive around the block, re-park their vehicles, then return to their designated bleacher seats.  Ushers will be on hand to guide those patrons should they require assistance.  The Conundrums thank you for your patience and understanding.

July 9: GAME CANCELLED

Per the Lakewood Weather Line: The July 9th game vs High Society has been cancelled due to field conditions. 

Maptek T-Bones 11
Conundrums: 14


Attendance: 2
Season Total: 8

Puzzlers Nearly Give It Away, Give It Away, Give It Away Now

Early Lead Withers, 'drums Fend Off T-Bones As Time Expires

Tom Hodorff accepts Crunchoclaty MVP Award this week, 3-4, R, 2RBI, 2B. Hody later trades TWIX for a Red Ale, the first known MVP swap in team history.  Photo taken from low power phone camera purchased with 4 Kellogs Rice Crispies boxtops (courtesy R. Wilcoxen Photography, LLC)


LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - Getting a jump on their Christmas shopping, the Conundrums Softball Club was in a giving mood Monday night as they tried (in vain) to present their arch nemesis, Maptek "Give That Dog a" T-Bone a gift-wrapped  victory that had anything but the blessings of Coach Bob Tomey.  Despite many mis-tidings in the field, at the plate and on the base paths, the Puzzlers still managed to send the capacity late night crowd of 2 patrons home happy, relieved, and otherwise indifferent, as the Mystery Boys eeked out a 14-11, 6-inning time-expired win to improve their record to 5-2 in the Leisure League Standings.  The win somewhat avenges the drubbing the T-Bones bestowed upon the 'drums earlier this season and earns them a season split with their longtime pesky rivals. 

It's Late, We're Tired, We Know Not What We Do - With time winding down in the bottom of the 6th, the Posers kept the inning alive long enough to hold off the hard-charging T-Boners despite troubling developments on the diamond.  Ryan Wilcoxen, still smarting from last week's MVP snub, forgets to run to 1st after smacking one off the T-Bone hurler.  Regrettably, it ends up costing the Honda Accord owner his second TWIX Crunchoclaty of the year.  Asked about the incident, the resurgent-hitting Wilky explained  that he needed something to make observers  forget his dropped ball in the outfield 3 innings prior.  Not to be outdone, the next batter, Tom "Hody Ho", Hodorff singles, then nearly runs into Dale "Quick Pitch" St Aubin at 2B.  Overcome by his hatred of the Minnesota Vikings, Tom's devotion to the Green Bay Packers drove him to pursue "Purple People Eater" St. Aubin without abandon and inform him thusly that the Vikings suck (as if we didn't know that already, Tom!).  Finally with seconds to play, Brandon "Let's End This Now" Casey singles to end the game and the Conundrum coach's misery.

Take Me To The Other Side - With the game on the line against a perennially tough opponent, Dale "Both Sides of the Plate" St. Aubin decides during his second AB in the 2nd inning to suddenly begin a new career as a switch hitter.  Hitting from the left side and with runners on base, St. Aubin weakly pops out to Maptek's 2nd sacker, thus killing the rally.  Witnesses from behind the Puzzler bench reportedly heard Skipper Tomey's blood boiling. Undaunted, "If At First You Don't Succeed" Dale again hits from the wrong side in the 5th frame, this time ripping a single to RF.  Unimpressed, "Vein Popper" Tomey grumbles (playfully?) to those within earshot, "He's still a pri**!".  Confronted after the game, St. Aubin stoically explained to the coach he was simply bored with his profession as a right handed hitter and needed a fresh challenge.  Pressed further however, Aubbie admitted he devised the scheme after secretly meeting at a cold damp 'n dusty coffee brothel with former Conundrums Mark Satriano and Pat Sullivan.  We need not say no more.

Hey Everyone, It's Gil...Again! - In a failed attempt to impress the Puzzler Brass, Conundrum rook Gil Solano arrives to the park three hours early Monday night to prepare for the Maptek showdown.  Solano allegedly spent the free time performing a few calisthenics, reviewing the team's signs (there are two: "Swing", "Don't Swing") and thinking of creative ways to wriggle his name into this week's TWICS.   Did it help?  Despite a few good-intentioned hard hit balls, "Hitless in Lakewood" Gil went 0-3, so no, it didn't.  Indeed, nobody could actually confirm the native Texan's early arrival claim.  After all, as the old saying goes, "if a Conundrum arrives to the park 3 hours early and no one is around to see him,  does he make such an appearance?"

Where Have You Gone Jason Emmot? - For the second week in a row, Jason Emmot skips out on the team.  Last week it was due to a weak back (ba-da-boom), now this week Emwa claims he and the family are vacationing, but gives no details of where or how the clan will be spending time away from the ballclub.  TP hired the Pinkerton Investigative Agency to track down the Em clan.  Based on Emmot's travel interests profile, Pinkerton found no evidence at the Colorado Railroad Museum or Rwanda Safaris R Us of anyone named Jason or Carrie Emmot on their tourist dockets.  Emmot has been summoned into the coach's office for some "splaining" upon his return to the team. 

Poser Independence - Like Sean Butcher's dirty shirt, the Conundrums are off next week in observance of the 4th of July holiday, returning to Lakewood Park's proverbial "Diamond in the Rough" field of unmarked dreams July 9.  Players are encouraged to arrive early, but the team issues the following disclaimer:  "There is no guarantee that the 'Solano Theorem' will yield any positive on-field results.

Week 6 - @ Ralphies

Conundrums: 11
Ralphies 7

Attendance: 4
Season Total: 6

Ralphie to World:  "I Hate Everybody!"

After Cooler Heads Prevail, So Do Posers, 11-7

 

         Crafty Ries Takes Home Crunchoclaty this week after going 3-5, R, RBI

 LAKEWOOD PARK (TP) - Softballs weren't the only matter flying through the Lakewood Park air Monday night.  Unspeakable expletives were launched from the Ralphie bench during a remarkable player meltdown not seen since the Chernobyl disaster.  The player, known only as "Howitzer Ralphie", apparently forgot to take his anger management meds prior to the contest and took out his absent-mindedness on Eric Swanson, Dale St. Aubin, the home plate ump and even a few gnats brave enough to fly in his general direction.  Oh and by the way, the Conundrums prevailed 11-7 to up their record to a 4-2 mark behind a steady hitting attack by all except Coach Tomey.  But the real story began in approximately the 2nd inning after Ralphie Boy began his tirade.  After singling to left center, Ralphie swaggered hubrisly off 1st base daring the Conundrums to catch him off guard.  Later, while on 2B, he was doubled off the base but took offense when Puzzler 2-sacker Swanson tagged him with too much pressure ("ouch, you're hurting me, stop it!").  After he called Eric every name in the Book of Expletives, he gave the Wisconsin peace-nik a parting shove, then began ranting, raving to anyone within earshot.  Not satisfied, he continued to bench-razz the Puzzlers, incensed with the rapid fire release of "Quick Pitch" St. Aubin  and was finally given the heave ho and banned for the remainder of the season after he insulted the home plate ump more so than is typically customary.

Final Howitzer - One Ralphie player admitted to Coach Tomey that "Howitzer Howie" was an 11th hour waiver wire acquisition.  Tomey suggested that the Ralphies organization would be well advised to drop the troubled soul in the next 11 minutes.

And Now "Back" to Emwa - Notably MIA Monday night, Jason "Sciatica" Emmot succombed to the dreaded sore back virus in what is becoming a recurring event for "Broadband" Jason.   Anxiously awaiting lumbar updates from Emwa HQ, Puzzler players breathed easier upon learning "Metaxalone" Jason was pain-free after the family physician "Dr. "Feelgood" prescribed muscle relaxers to put the veteran Conundrum out of his misery.  Tweeting (or more likely 'twitching') from his 4 post bed in sleepy Littleton, CO, Emmot vowed never again to mock the "King of Spinal Spasms", Bob Tomey.  Given the short-term memory loss prone to humans, TWICS Pubs is skeptical, but takes the 39 year old father of 2, husband of 1 at his word.

Ghosts of Ruth/DiMaggio Taught Him Nothing - In his first game back after gracing the hallowed Baseball Hall of Fame at the Coop, Bob Tomey learns nada from the legends of the game and goes hitless in 4 plate trips, thus earning the 51 year old Golden resident the "Oxidized Tin Can" in deference to baseball's dunce-like "Golden Sombrero".

                    Tomey and Ruth chat about the '27 Yankees and 2010 Conundrums

You Take it, No You, I Insist - In the closest ever running for the Coach's Game MVP, Paul Ries wins out in a bloodless coup and is awarded the Crunchoclaty over fellow outfielder Ryan Wilcoxen.  Despite a player referendum clearly in favor of Wilky, Ries employs the old "I'm not worthy" selfless strategy, that appeals to Skip Tomey's softer side (not to be confused with his abs).  Wilky attempts a counter-measure ("Give it to Paul, he deserves it"), but it's viewed as a heartless ploy and Ries escapes with the TWIX gem in a clever coup d'etat.  Well played, Paul.

We'll Take 'Em Anyway We Can - After threatening to miss the game upon discovering a marathon running of the Bachelorette (2007-2011) during a routine channel surf, St. Aubin not only plays, but brings the whole family, thus boosting sagging attendance.  Arriving to the park, "Quick Pitch" drags wife Darcy and the kiddies to the leisure confines of 6th/Kipling.  As a bonus, a man sitting next to fabled Conundrum Dave Brubaker also admits to being a fan.  He is immediately tagged, "Dave's Sidekick" and is welcomed with the traditional Puzzler Fan Greeting Package consisting of a slap on the back and free access to the Conundrums blogosphere.

Week 5 vs Titans

Titans: 14
Conundrums: 11

Attendance: 0
Season Total: 2

Titans Rule the Pantheon

Conundrums lose battle against Zeus, Hades, and even Hera

Guest host Ryan Wilcoxen presents the coaches MVP award (Killians Red) to team MVP Tim Doherty (1-4, 0 R, 0 RBI) for couragous acts in the face of extreme adversity.  That's how we roll on this team. 

Lakewood, CO (TP) – The Conundrums put up a valiant effort on Monday night, yet dropped a close game 14-11 against newfound rivals the Titans. The Conundrums simply couldn’t muster the mustard while playing a man down (technically a “person down”) for the entire game.

The Conundrums trailed from the beginning, yet stayed within striking distance the entire way. Finding themselves down by a paltry 3 runs entering the bottom of the 9th inning, the Puzzlers shat the proverbial bed, scoring exactly zero (0) runs before retiring to the bleachers for the traditional banter, manly softball beverages, and stories we’ve all heard more than once. Gone are the days of topical political mockery spearheaded by the likes of Satriano and Sullivan. Lo how we miss listening to Duschinski, Ritchie and Layton address quality, beer-soaked topics such as v-strokes, belt drives, and soft-tails. Anyhow, I digress…

MIA Tomey: Coach Bob could not attend as he was touring the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY. At the same time the Puzzler’s leader was ironically being inspired by the greatest teammates to ever grace the diamond, his team was unsuccessfully, yet valiantly, battling the mighty Titans without him, quite literally leaving blood, sweat and beers on the field.

A statistical analysis performed after the game indicated that the Conundrums had a 86.932% chance of winning the game had Bob played. However, all was quickly forgiven as word spread that Bob planned to distribute gifts to the team consisting of trinkets acquired at the Cooperstown gift shop. Butcher couldn’t contain his excitement as he anticipated a HOF bottle opener. Wilcoxen practically hyperventilated as he imagined his lukewarm PBR wrapped in a Ryne Sandberg beer koozie.

MIA Casey: Celebrating the historical first anniversary of his wedding, Brandon skipped out on the team as well. Congratulations Brandon! We all knew you could make it a year. Well…everyone except for Dave, who now owes the rest of the team $1 each from the Casey wedding pool.

That’s Gonna Leave a Mark: Iron man, and interim Third Baseman, Timmy D took a screamer off his left forearm in the 5th inning resulting in a blood filled, bulbous lump, approximately the size of a medium sized hamster. All signs, except for Tim’s stiff lip, adequate finger mobility, and lack of screaming, pointed towards a broken Radius.

In a stoic show of Kirk Gibson(ish) proportions, Timmy took only one inning off (leaving the Conundrums two (2) persons down), returning the field to bat in the bottom of the 6th inning. As Tim limped into the batter’s box, he gingerly gripped the bat, stared down Dennis Eckersley (or some guy that looked nothing like Dennis in any shape or form) and dug his foot into the playground sand. The pitch was delivered, and Tim swung the bat with the might of a man twice his size. Alas, the storybook ending was not to be, as the stoke was grounded weakly to the 2nd baseman who threw him out by 15 steps.

Fun Fact of the Day: Despite the loss to the Titans, the Conundrums hold the tie-breaker against the newbies by virtue of run differential.

Hey Eric! Yeah, I’m talking to YOU: You’re welcome in advance. Now, bookmark this URL: http://conundrumsoftball.blogspot.com/



Week 3 vs. High Society

High Society 2
Conundrums 14 (5 Innings)

Attendance: 1
Season Total: 2

How Rude! 

Conundrums show High Society Poor Etiquette, Get Back on Track with 14-2 Non-Nail Biter

Coach Tomey awards Game Crunchoclaty to Ryan Wilcoxen, 3-3, 2RBI, 2R, no triples

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) - Contrary to popular belief, the death of the TWICS staff-writer(s) has been greatly if not somewhat exaggerated.  After a 5 week vow of silence, the TWICS are back in town (yahoo!) (oh sh*t!)  Two byes and one forgettable loss later, the Conundrums scored a decisive victory over High Society,  14-2.  Ironically, the Emily Post admirers violated a basic tenet of softball tradition when they smacked a couple of pitches back through the Puzzler box, thus nearly decapitating Conundrum hurler and newly ordained lame lower back sufferer, Dale St. Aubin.  Notwithstanding Society’s eyebrow-raising tactics, the Puzzlers  easily disposed of their new rival in the first ever matchup. 

A Most Unusual Rule - Things got a bit testy after the field ump called both the Society batter and runner out in the 3^rd inning resulting in a most unusual double play.  According to 2^nd sacker Swanson, he noticed the Society runner approaching the base, then attempt to distract the bewildered dad from Cheese Lake Wisconsin by wildly flapping his arms and performing the “Chicken Dance".  The ump pulled out his record book and read verbatim Chapter 14, Section 9, Paragraph 38, “Infractions Involving Chicken Dancing While Running the Bases”.  Nobody familiar with Lakewood softball history could ever recall that rule ever invoked, but then again who knew there would one day be a cure for teeth grinding? 

Wilky’s No Triple Threat - Even though he failed to hit a triple - his self-proclaimed cornerstone accomplishment - Ryan Wilcoxen “earned” his first TWIX MVP Crunchoclaty in who knows how long.  It was recorded with little fanfare.  There were no speeches.  No high fives, no promises to elevate his status higher than 6^th in the batting order.  In fact, if it weren’t for the photo op that proved he actually took possession of the luscious caramelly gem, it would remain unsubstantiated for years to come.     

Now Get Away From That Cradle and Make Your Son Proud -  Providing the only accredited excuse from the “Gang of 6” that snubbed the film premiere of the “Year of the Puzzler”, Eric “My Boys Did Swim and I Have the Cahonas to Prove It” Swanson returns to the team after giving birth to the next Gen Puzzler.  Mark your calendar – Baby Swan is expected to join the roster in the year 2042 give or take a few years after he inevitably gets cut from the Lakewood D Comp team and is relegated to E League Softball. 

She’s a Real Doll – We’re not sure who she was or where she came from, but this Mystery fan quietly cheered on the Mystery Boys Monday night.  Yeah, that’s right this plastic beauty was officially documented as a registered fan.  Details of her appearance at the park remain a blur (as does this pathetic photo).

When asked if she would become a regular at all games, the Lady in the purple pumps remained silent and smiled blankly.  This captured the hearts of a few players, you bet your bippy.

If You Film It, 50% Will Come – The long awaited and past due film production of the Conundrums 2010 championship season TWIXumentary premiered May 22 and was hailed for its pomp and lack of good taste.  Of the 50% of the players who were on hand, 32% gave the film a Thumbs Up, 53% thought the producers were full of themselves, 15% couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry and Dave “I Never Met a Beer Fest I Didn’t Like” Brubaker didn’t stay awake long enough to submit his review.  Due to slow sales, the film was abruptly pulled from the theatres and will be available on Blu-Ray, DVD, coming soon.  Comcast and Directv, politely declined to pick it up on for their On Demand audience citing inappropriate content for their viewers.  One cable exec admitted, “We don’t have a genre defined for this story.  We do not understand why this film was made.”

May 7th: GAME CANCELLED

Week 2 vs Ralphies

Ralphies 7
Conundrums 17

Attendance: 1
Season Total: 1

Conundrums Run Raphies

New grandma accepts chocolate trophy on behalf of new dad, and Week 2 MVP, Tom Hodorff (3-3, 2RBI, 2B)

Lakewood, CO (TP) – Overcoming multiple fielding/throwing/batting gaffs by team star, and black-shirted serial uniform rebel, Paul Ries, the 2-time champions raced by Ralpies 17-7 Monday night at Lakewood Park.

The 2-0 record to begin the season marks the best Puzzlers start since the team entered the internet age. Team historian, manager, owner, and amateur video director, editor, and producer, Bob Tomey, surmised that “the 2004 Conundrums might have started 2-0”, but indicated the team’s archives on microfiche would need to be consulted to confirm his suspicions.

Unexcused Absences:  After Tom Hodorff abandoned the team in the season opener due to “gestational conclusion syndrome”, third baseman Brandon Casey summarily excused himself in Week 2 (without permission mind you) due to a “multi-thousand dollar real estate negotiation”. Emboldened by Tom and Brandon’s brash attitudes against team spirit, Eric Swanson informed teammates that his wife is “due” next Tuesday, putting his Week 3 (or perhaps Week 4) attendance in doubt. Reports that Butcher will skip Week 5 due to toenail fungal complications remain unfounded, yet very, very convincing.

The fields are alive with the sound of music:  Due to overwhelming competition for the West Metro area Leisure League softball dollar, Lakewood Parks and Rec has added in-game entertainment to its menu. Although the music was delivered by way of a Mr. Mouth microphone amplifying dusty 45’s, fans and players alike seemed to be impressed. Post-game polling indicates Conundrum fans would like to hear more Sesame Street and/or Doris Day music.

Quote of the Week #1
“HEADS UP BOB!! WATCH OUT!!” – Conundrum pitcher Dale St. Aubin reacting to a ball harmlessly hit by mini-St. Aubin in the opposite direction of Bob.

Quote of the Week #2
“That’s not funny. The kid nearly took my head off last week” – Conundrum skipper Bob Tomey responding to Dale St. Aubin’s laughter immediately following #1.

Quote of the Week #3
(Something, something) “Wally Pipp” – Coach Bob’s maniacal ranting about Brandon’s unexcused absence. You really had to be there. No seriously, it was hilarious at the time. We ALL laughed.

Quote of the Week #4
“Oh, well I would have remembered eventually” – Shortstop Tom Hodorff after being reminded his wife’s birthday was this coming Sunday.

Fin: Gentlemen, the Conundrums are on the precipice of greatness. We are on the verge of accomplishing what the so-called “experts” said was impractical, nay “impossible”. Nobody believed in you (especially Bob), yet here we are. Together as a team. United under the banner of success and triumph. The enormity of the situation pales in significance to the fact that our next game is on Monday, May 7th at 7:15pm (MT).



Week 1 - @ Titans

Conundrums 12
Titans 8

Attendance: 0
Season Total: 0

Conundrums Go Ballistic, Shoot Down Titans in Opening Day Thriller

 Coach Tomey awards season's first MVP to Eric Swanson (3-4, R, 3B, 2RBI); Please do not adjust the resolution on your screen - your eyes do not deceive you.  This is a Spaten beer, not a TWIX bar; I repeat...

Lakewood, CO (TP) - The 2-time champion Conundrums began defense of the Leisure League title with their first opening day victory since 2009, intercepting the Titans 12-8.  Far from showing mid-season form, the Puzzlers – seeking an unprecedented third straight league title - started slow, but picked up the pace in the middle innings overcoming an early 3-0 deficit to triumph over a powerful Titan club that launched a barrage of rockets over the outfield fences.  Fortunately due to the stringent leisure league rules, only 1 accounted for any damage.  The game featured Brandon Casey playing SS for the first time in his magnificently ordinary Conundrum career.  Opening Day 2012 will also be remembered for the Puzzler debut of Gil Solano, 1^st cousin to longtime Curmudgeon, err Conundrum, Sean “Texas Hold ‘Em, 5’s Are Wild” Butcher, marking the first time since Mark/Tom Satriano (1998-2001) and only the second time in team history that cousin teammates played for the Q-Marker franchise.  

Introducing Gil “The Pill” Solano: The Pill’s debut began inauspiciously as the rookie showed a classic case of nerves, struggling in the early innings to make an impression on the Conundrums’ seasoned veterans.  Player whispers questioned Coach Tomey’s wisdom in throwing young Gil at 1B, while The Pill’s advocate, cousin Butcher, sat motionless in the dugout contemplating how he was going to explain to Solano’s God-fearing mother back in Austin, TX his son’s flat performance on the biggest stage of his softball life.  But midway through the game, the rook earned if not respect, then at least a nod from the Puzzler Crusties with a nice dig on an errant throw to first, then showing power with an HR-O bomb that raised eyebrows from fellow bash brothers Emmot/Ries.  Near the end of the game, Butcher’s countenance relaxed, asking if The Pill was a Conundrum Keeper.  Tomey gave the seal of approval, adding “we only give out 1 year deals to rookies, but Gil’s got a solid future as a mediocre Conundrum.  He’ll fit right in with our plans.”  (Want more of The Pill?  Catch the live interview recorded last night on Conundrum TV:

Hody #2 Comes To Life:  Tom “Hody Do” Hodorff’s unauthorized leave of absence was excusable due to “Handy Hody’s” tending to the birth of newly arrived boy, Elliot.  The Conundrum shortstop and wife, Cameron welcomed Elliot to the Hody clan Monday morning.  With 3 year old Jack Henry already in living existence, Hodorff is helping to build upon the next generation of Q-Markers, adding to the eight sons of Jason “Corporate Magnate” Emmot, Ryan “Hope I Don’t Get Tossed Tonight” Wilcoxen, Dale “St Elmo’s Fire” Aubin and Tim “Oldest Conundrum Alive” Doherty.  The expected baby boy arrival in early May of Eric “Swan Song" Swanson, will elevate the # of Gen2 Puzzlers to 11, thus preserving the Conundrum dynasty for decades.  Congratulations Tom and Cammy!

Oh No!  Who Will Write the TWICs? During pregame warm-ups, the team got a scare when newly ordained bench warmer and bat boy, Ryan St. Aubin’s errant throw beaned coach Tomey in the noggin.  The nerf softball’s impact thrust Tomey to the ground, writhing in pain.  Except for Jason “The Heathen”, players got down on hands/knees, praying for Bob’s recovery.  Moments later Tomey rose, gave the thumbs up signal all was well and the crisis passed just as quickly as it began.   

Nein, Wir Haben Nicht TWIX:  For the first time in the history of game MVP honors, no TWIX was awarded – Apparently the Crunchoclatys, which were rushed for overnight delivery to the TWIX vault at Conundrum Headquarters didn’t arrive as scheduled.  To make do, the year’s first MVP recipient, Eric Swanson was awarded a chilled Spaten brew, imported from the highlands of Bavaria.  Said a confused Eric, “does this mean I have to learn the chicken dance?”

“To The Back of The Dugout You Go!”  There’s a new look at Lakewood Park this year, and it has nothing to do with replacement light bulbs on the misbegotten scoreboard.  No, the dugouts were expanded to include two rows of new benches.  The coaches/players applauded the bench makeover.  The only question remaining is what will be the seating caste system?  Will coaches and senior players sit up front, relegating juniors to the back row?   Team brass are contemplating the social ramifications of “bench progress” and need to come up with an equitable seating plan to avoid a similar player bench revolt that nearly destroyed Rusty Machine in 1995.

Conundrum Impact On New Rule Changes For 2012:

1)Adding another 5 feet between the bases (70 feet total):    Speedsters like Ries, Swanson will see BA slide as a result of fewer infield hits; no impact expected for Butcher, who still must hit ball 136 feet in order to beat throw to first

2) HR’s hit over the fence, hitters no longer required to run bases:  Sluggers (i.e., St. Aubin, Ries, Emmot, Wilky) can now enjoy beef ‘n bean burritos while in the on-deck circle and not have to worry about digestive refunds rounding bases.

New Threads, New Swagger:  Sick and tired of being labeled a non-conformist by his elitist peers, Brandon “Rebel without a  Uniform” Casey heels to pressure, and appears in full Conundrum regalia for the first time since joining the club in 2010.  The spiffy looking Casey had an MVP-quality night going 3fer4 with 2 RBI’s, plus a nice job at the position next to the hot corner.  Downplaying the suggestion that his new uniform elevated his game, “Dedicated Follower of Fashion” Casey waived his copy of GQ at reporters insisting he’s still the loveable street-smart ruffian he’s always been.

Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!  We end this TWICs edition noting the absence of recent retiree Ed Layton with a level of somberness.  Fast Eddie’s tenaciousness as the A-1 back stopper, his commitment to hustle, and his ability to drive an outfield fence a few millimeters back was second to none.  Old Familiar #32 stood crouched behind the plate for 13 years as a loyal Conundrum.  Layton will be honored later this year, on a night when it is known that he will not be dozing off.  As a prelude, last night a moment of silence was observed for a full 2.3 seconds, the longest ever in-game tribute ascribed to a Conundrum player, past or present.

Opening Day 2012

QWIC TWICS


Opening Day Cancelled: Lakewood officials cancelled Opening Day due to “field conditions”. What’s your prediction on why Lakewood REALLY cancelled the game?

1. Broken scoreboard (still)
2. Tax cuts eating into league’s chalk budget
3. Date conflicted with National Blind Umpire convention
4. Day of Remembrance for Rusty Machine

Three-peat?: The Conundrums open the 2012 campaign on Monday April 16..errr...April 23 (maybe), with an eye on capturing their third consecutive Lakewood Leisure League title. The Softball Writers Association of America (Brian Richie) predicts a 4th Place finish for the Puzzlers saying, “the team could use a defensive upgrade at 1st base”.

Sell Out: Although no tickets remain available for the Opening Day game, fans can still watch for free in the standing-room only seats behind the outfield wall. The team requests that fans return any HR or (more likely) HR-O balls promptly to the field of play.

Down Goes Eddie: All time strikeout king Eddie Layton retired after a 9 year, run-of-the-mill, career which has been hailed by brass as “somewhere between mediocre and ordinary”. Eddie (a/k/a “Red Rover”) will forever be known for his highly publicized, unsuccessful, attempt to run through a chain link fence...face first. The team would like to thank their legendary catcher, insomniac, fence facial proponent, all around good guy, for his service to the team and the Lakewood community.

Free Agent Failure: The Conundrums got off to a slow start in the free agent market this year, choosing not to make any deals at the League’s winter meetings. Attempts to sign Ben Somethingoranother fell through at the last minute as Somethingoranother’s agent and the Conundrums bickered over contract terms.

Free Agent Success: Somethingoranother’s loss was certainly the Conundrum’s gain, as the Puzzler’s inked unheralded and unknown Gil Solano from…uhh…well, we’re not sure who he played for before. In fact, we’re not sure if he owns a softball glove. Anyhow, Solano writes humorous emails, and takes his fair share of digs at his supposed relation Sean, so the assumption is that he’ll fit in perfectly.