Week 14 - vs Ten Right Fielders

8/3/09

2nd Place in Bag, Conundrums’ End Season with Random Win

(vs) Ten Rightfielders 9
Conundrums 17
Attendance = 2
Year to Date = 36

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – With nothing left to play for but foolish random pride, with not an ounce of arbitrary meaning on a meaningless night, Conundrums indiscriminately throttle band of 10 Rightfielders after the deliberate Rusty Crash, thus, by chance ending the 2009 season quietly victorious, under accidental conditions.

Up was Down, Black Went White: With 2nd place secure, and their 7th consecutive berth in the prestigious Lakewood Softball Tourney sewn up, Conundrums’ “brain trust” - itself an oxymoron by definition - capriciously shuffle lineup in what is now infamously known as “Random Puzzler Night” using accidental technology powered by team unofficial partner, “random.org” – fans, unaware of the spoof, arrive to park unpredictably, astonished to see Sean Butcher/Eddie Layton 1-2 in the order, while former ‘roids juicer, Dale St. Aubin and Eric “Cheese Wiz” Swansong, normally on top half of batting bill, anchored towards the bottom of the card. Adding to the chaotic madness, players located randomly at arbitrary fielding positions, inning by inning. Imagine the varied shockwaves caused to one’s ticker to see perennial 5th string RFer, Pat Sully trying to dodge sharply hit grounders at SS, Sean “Slower Than Molasses” Butcher patrolling the LC speed gaps, or the paradox of left handed Batt playing a right-handed 2B position; asked whether the team will repeat this random act of playing next year, erratic skipper whimsically replied “we can’t predict an event we have no control over”.

When Do I Get My Ice-Cream? Just 5 days after successful appendix removal surgery, Ryan “Cuts Life a Knife” Wilcoxen returns to a welcoming team as rooter/scorebook keeper. Wilky described the unbearable pain as wife rushed him to nearby Swedish Hospital not knowing if ailment was allergic reaction to foul pepperonis or nausea after reviewing latest personal stats; when told by Doctor Switchblade that ruptured appendage needed removal, LCer Wilky instinctively asked if he’ll ever play softball again; Wilkster relaxes when doc assures him he’ll be on field driving that BA further south again in no time.

It’s Good To Have You Back: In effort to revive a batting average on verge of extinction, Eddie Layton, just back from assignment to Batting Cage Instructional League, rebounds with 4fer4 plate performance, including a 2-sacker and 3 runs scored. With aid of personal hitting trainer, Tim “Splendid Splinter” Doherty, Layton’s recently anemic swing looked lively, smooth, fluent and full of smacking zest again; while it’s not likely that coffee shop talk will mention Tony Gwynn and Eddie Layton in same sentence anytime this decade, team coaching staff relieved that rehabilitated Fast Eddie has assimilated into Conundrum Hitting Society once again;

Crunchoclaty Cell Reproduction 101: In an odd precedent on a peculiar night, weekly Crunchoclaty prize split between Sean Butcher and Eddie Layton. Eddie awarded the left half selected by coach, while Sean in keeping with theme of the night, receives the right half, chosen completely at random. Please congratulate Dr. Butchy as the first recipient of the “At Random Crunchoclaty MVP Award”. Nice work, you’ve earned it boys. That is, Eddie has.

On This Day In Conundrum History: July 26, 2004 – Despite a season ending defeat 11-7 at hands of who else, Rusty Machine, thus spoiling a season of perfection, Conundrums win league title with a 13-1 season record. Dom “Where Have You Gone” Morelli named coach’s game MVP, hitting team’s last inside park dinger; the swift-footed Morelli, after crossing the plate, headed straight for restroom, thus answering any questions as to what motivated his speedy resolve around bases;

A Farewell to Markie, We Hardly Knew Ye: In final act of a controversial brilliant career, Mark Satriano delivers his farewell address to the team, retiring as a member of the franchise he helped nearly destroy in 1998. The speech, chock full of humorous anecdotes, while mostly incoherent, was truly inspirational, if not for its bluster than its heartfelt insincerity. The beloved SS, who owns a plethora of team records is still the only player in history of recorded beer league softball to show up drunk as a happy skunk and be ousted during a 1998 game as team chieftain in what was infamously dubbed the “Monday Night Massacre”; Sats recalled fondly how he played the game “the right way”, always taking a dive when he felt the other team was too far behind, or mentoring young players, explaining there’s no shame in making multiple errors in a game/inning that might lose your team a game; Tony/Mark talked about his ill-fated efforts to organize a player’s union, remembering with some bitterness that if it weren’t for the “double-crossing, two-timing scabs” in their ranks, “we woulda busted the “scumbag Robber Barons” of softball capital; Looking squarely at coach Tomey, Sats reminded all to be wary of “softball elitists” threatening to take down the game he grew up with on the playgrounds of Arvada; he was retiring he said because the game had passed him by, he no longer could put himself through the team’s excruciating spring training rituals consisting of one 30 minute practice, and that he wanted to devote more time focusing on gardening activism, to speak out on behalf of the endangered beefsteak tomato in hopes of preserving their juicy survival. In his parting words, he warned against the looming softball industrial complex and said unless all anarchy-loving softball minds banded together, an iron fist of authority will “descend upon every which one of you”. The “Wizard of Conundria” concluded with these words: “old softball players never die, they just become 6-4-3’s.” As he walked off, the remaining 2 players still listening gave the “old pro” a rousing ovation. There goes the master. There goes Mark/Tony/Phlish/27 Echos/Squib/Sea Urchin Satriano.

Fan-O-Meter Watch – After setting yet another single game record during long-anticipated Rusty match up with 10 fans, game finale a real fan deflator, with just 2 faithful on hand to see “Random Classic”. Team ticket gurus hail season as most successful since ticket counting first recorded; On behalf of the players and coaches, Conundrums Softball Club thanks fans for unflinching support.

At The Tourney We Shall Meet Again: While the season has come to its natural conclusion, stay with us, cheer your favorite Conundrums on as the team takes to the field in the Lakewood Post-Summer Season Tourney, scheduled Sunday August 23, time and place TBA.

Week 13 - vs. Rusty Machine

8/2/09

Down Go Puzzlers! Down Go Puzzlers! Sunday Matinee Turns into Rusty Horror Picture Show

(vs) Rusty Machine 28
Conundrums 14
Attendance = 10
Year to Date = 34

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – In “Game of The Century”, last Monday’s washout/rescheduled for 8/2/09 with Rusty causes weeklong domino effect of injuries, surgeries, family matters that seal fate of already underdog Posers - in the end, game eventually played at neighboring Addenbrooke Park on hot Sunday afternoon melts away Puzzler title shots. Minus big guns St. Aubin, Doherty, Ries, Wilcoxen, tattered Conundrums battle Rusty valiantly, scratch way back, manage to pull within 2 runs after 4 frames, but fatigue/heat eventually lead to 5th inning collapse as RM sharks sense blood, begin final massacre with 13 merciless single inning runs - with time ticking down, paramedics arrive too late to resuscitate Mystery Boys. Despite disappointing outcome, team spirits up knowing effort worthy of bravado. Moreover, if one listens very closely, a soft, familiar chant can still be heard rustling in the Addenbrooke wind: “We’re Number 2! We’re Number 2!”.
Again.

When It Rains, It Hurricanes: Our bizarre tale begins when bad news travels in twos: Tuesday, coach learns hitting giants, Doherty and St. Aubin announce intent to miss big game due to family matters – Doherty has audacity to conclude son’s very 1st wedding more important than beer league softball – Thursday, more double trouble when Wilky phones bewildered skip from cozy hospital ward with news of unintentional appendectomy night before – knowing the answer, desperate field manager asks anyway: “Can you still play Sunday?” Less than 1 hour later, opens email to learn that Jason Emmot, while daydreaming of competing in Tour de France 2010, takes unfortunate spill on cycle while reaching for water bottle – despite multiple shoulder lig rips, decides to play through pain – finally a player with priorities straight! If that wasn’t enough (and it wasn’t), on Sunday minutes before taking Addenbrooke field, Rookie Ries messenger arrives with stunning news that Pauly just broke ankle while sliding for other less important baseball team…even after reserves called up - Mark “What Part of Retirement Don’t You Understand?” Satriano, Dave, aka “Warden Henry” Brubaker, Pat “Tennis Anyone?” Sullivan, these competent veterans of the game not enough to save team from another bridesmaid finish.

Dimensionally Challenged Conundrums: Like Lakewood Park’s Field #1, once again another monstrous field causes spatial problems for Conundrums – “Big Daddy Addy”’s roomy real estate too much for ‘drums to play on, outfielders complain bigger field dimensions distort flight of flyballs projected their way – this phenomenon known as “Projectile Dimensia” (pronounced dimen-shee-ya) is now the study of researchers at the University of Blicktenschtrugel to determine long term effects of outfield “warpage”. As always, TWICS Pubs will be on this story as it unwraps, er unfolds.

MVP Dan Sheds Nepotistic Roots: Going 4fer4, including a triple, scoring a run, and knocking in whopping 5 runs, Dan “Crunchoclaty” Batt, earns 2nd MVP of season, this time without help from mom and dad – Proud Dan glad that after 40 something years he’s finally able to pull own weight – “what an uplifting feeling” says “MLK” Batt, “to be free at last, free at last!” Thank God Almighty, I am free at last.”

Son, Don’t Let The Man Getcha, Do What He Done To Me: Speaking of dads, Sean Butcher, son of a Texas Longhorn, finally fulfills 13 year old dream, convinces papa to see sonny pitch a big league leisure game for first time, but oddly, pop watches game from nearby Field #1; when asked why he didn’t seat the elder Butcher in the Conundrums Field #2 Luxury Box, a clearly perturbed Sean had no comment, but family sources say that ever since little Sean played T-Ball in the Lone Star Pee Wee League, daddy-o claimed it more enjoyable watching Junior play from “as far away as the eye could see”.

Gunned Down Twice, But Lives To Tell His Tale: In continuing saga of love-hate relationship with base coaches dating back to 2004 when former Conundrum 3B coach Brian Richie nearly caused 3 player pile up at home plate, coach Tomey in bizarre 3rd inning base sequence, gets hung out to dry at 2B thanks to 1B coach Sats advice, “you might possibly be able to make it to 2nd, boy will it be close!”, luckily gets fortunate umpy call; later while resting at 3B, opposite diamond coach Batt delivers Tomey to waiting Rusty catcher - if not for backstopper’s inability to hang on to throw, poor coach would be latest casualty in coaching calamities; Batt, in self-defense, claims experience digesting plays developing before his eyes told him result would be positive; when asked why he sent Tomey to 2nd, Satriano dismissed question simply by saying, “I’m retired, leave me alone”.

Never Been To Alcatraz: After holding out and racking up record 12 unexcused absences, Dave “On the Road Again” Brubaker agrees to undisclosed terms with club, makes first appearance as a Conundrum. The former prison warden, turned softball player’s bio includes long hikes near nuclear waste sites, digging for radioactive isotopes at Colorado ski resorts and collecting retro Geiger counters at abandoned plutonium sites. Please welcome our newest Conundrum, David “Glow by Night” Brubaker.

Week 12 vs. Tigers

7/20/09

Em’s Blast Catches Tigers By Tail, Butch Shuts Down Feeble Kitty Kat Attack

(vs) Tigers 4
Conundrums 10
Attendance = 2
Year to Date = 24

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – Expecting a beastly Tiger ambush, a roaring hitting attack, Conundrums ready to execute plan to repel a deathly mauling, but instead welcomed by a few harmless meows, some playful scratching, a ball of yarn, and a request from a few kitty junkies for some Columbian Cat Nip –Shut-down pitching by “Doctor Deception”, aka Sean The Butcher, combined with 6 RBI’s by Jason “Blast From The Past” Emmot lifts Conundrums to next week’s Rusty Summit.

It’s Not How You Play The Game Going into Week 13 showdown, 10-2 underdog Puzzlers look to wrangle Lakewood Crown from “Machine Goliaths” (10-1), hoist first league banner since 2004; recognizing daunting task before them, team officials vow to throw every trick in book at RM, including but not limited to: slipping Rustys pre-game mickeys in their Ovaltines, releasing false venue changes that game switched to Field #3, instructing hurler Butcher on the benefits of a yo-yo softball, bribing key Rustys with crunchoclaty TWIX bars in return for unspeakable “favors” – Conundrum players ordered to watch “8 Men Out” flick, study the life and times of Shoeless Joe Jackson, clearly this is serious biz.

Still Crafty After All These Years: He may be past his prime, rainbow arcs may not be as pretty as they used to be, he may even stalk off mound whenever opposition’s #14 hitter takes him deep, but every 4 years or so, Sean “Money” Butcher, holder of every Conundrums pitching record imaginable, turns in a gem, such as on this night when frustrated Tiger hitters kept off balance with southpaw’s classic sky balls, fidgety flatliners, plate knocking nibbles, and most deadly pitch in his arsenal, the old “6-finger Trapezoid Knuckler”, which to this day continues to stifle softball sluggers, not to mention attracting Euclidean Geometry teachers everywhere.

Aw, shucks it weren’t nothing, folks: Handy Hody puts on fielding clinic for the ages with not one but two sweet-as-saltwater rain backhand snags far, far to his right. Later, Hody Do pulls off statistical impossibility with not 1, but 2 unassisted double plays…in the same inning! With sparkling plays like these, coach later affirms that despite Hody’s unsightly BA, team will keep AAA option clause on back burner.

Professor Crunchoclaty At Your Service: Game knotted at 4 apiece and all 2 fans on edge of their seats, ‘drums break it open in 4^th with Jason Emmot bases clearing jack, grand slammy 2^nd in son of a "Lineman for the County’s career" - shot all but seals deal, after game MVP Emwa reveals secret to success is dining on nutritious TWIX bar every lunch prior to game – smelling a pennant, coach immediately mandates every roster and non-roster player to consume one standard-size bar for lunch every Monday – Emmot agrees to hold seminar on proper TWIX etiquette, including do’s and don’ts for mates to chew on.

Old Satrianos Don’t Die, They Just Get Thrown Out at 1^st: After watching Mark “Face of the Franchise” Satriano lumber down 1^st base line only to be “punched out” by a hair, reflective coach remarks that a “younger Mark would have easily beat that out”, adding non-poetically, “he reminds me of me, and that cannot be”. Upon return to the dugout, Tomey puts arm around Tony/Mark’s shoulder, saying only “it’s time”, then tearfully accepts Sats’ letter of resignation – afterwards, skip remarks to hot dog vendor Hector, “there goes a legend in his own mind, what a great – Hey! I said no mustard!”

Your mama so ugly: From the dugout, Sean “The Heckler” playfully jeers 1^st base ump for call that goes Tiger way. Although Sean said he meant no harm when he said “we know you’re blind, we’ve seen your wife”, ump surprisingly takes offense - tempers flare, and only by the good grace of 1B Tomey’s ambassadorial intervention, did the near rhubarb chill out – said Robert: “I knew my training as an international arbitrator would one day pay off.”

Wilky’s In The Immaterial World: In honor of MIA Wilcoxen, team sets record for most pop ups in 7-inning game. Although not physically present, with each lifeless ball floating harmlessly into a waiting Tiger glove, Lakewood Park was filled with the spirit of the Pop-Up Messiah – players report of strange, uncontrollable urges to upper cut or swing early, thus propelling ball into an all too familiar flight pattern. It was if Ryan was with us all along.

Stay Focused, Eric: What started out as a textbook-perfect rundown execution, ends in a botched disaster of epic proportions – Tomey has Tiger runner hung out to dry between 2^nd and 3^rd, freezes him, tosses to 3B Doherty who then corners trapped runner back to 2^nd, fires ball to 2^nd for inevitable tag – but a funny thing happened on the way to the tag out, when ball mysteriously pops out of glove of normally sure-handed Swanson, thus allowing lucky Kitty to escape – said chagrined Eric: “at that moment when the ball impacts the glove, I wondered whether I remembered to pay my water bill, you know, since I work for the water company and all.”

Near This Date in Conundrum History: July 23, 2007 – Lowly Wolverines shock Conundrums with 16-12 upset - anger, grief, only way to describe varying emotions when 'drums leading in 6th, seemingly with game in bag as clock ticks down, make 3^rd out with 0.0000000298313991234 seconds on clock allowing new life to hungry Wolves, who show gratitude by finishing off dumbfounded Puzzlers in 7^th with 5- run game ending rally – many remember game not for remarkably poor clock management but for coach’s expletive-filled rant that included all of George Carlin’s 7 words that you can never say at a softball game. It was truly a spectacle.

Fan-O-Meter Watch: 2 fans on hand, arrive at ballpark with tickets purchased online, complain bitterly about website problems - team director of ticket sales issues following statement – “This is puzzling - we purchased enough bandwidth to handle 4-6 users at a single time – I can assure all of our fans the ISP rep will get an earful.”

Week 11 vs. Maptek T-Bones

7/13/09

Scabula! Posers Can’t Map Comeback This Time – T-Bone 7th Inning Surge Drops Puzzlers in Season Rematch




(vs) Maptek 16
Conundrums 13
Attendance = 0
Year to Date = 22


LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – With an unfamiliar scene playing out in familiar territory, on this mildly turbulent July evening, Puzzlers spot Teks 8 runs early, but like a cat clamoring to gain entry into a house of litter, Mystery Boys scratch ‘n claw way back to eventual deadlock with late flurry, only to surrender 3 in top of 7th, no story book ending to tell grandkids this time as Conundrums suffer 2nd loss of season, hopes dashed for run at Rusty’s closely guarded league title.

I’m Sick of this guy Team comes out of gate flatter than Twiggy, sluggish fielding woes, sleepy bats dig Humdrums into hole unable to climb out from; but no excuses - bottom line at end of day when all was said and done, when push came to shove, when last man out turned out the lights, when there were no more prepositional phrases to lunge for, simple truth is on this date, on that field, from those guys, them T-Boners outperformed our Conundrumly Posers and neither this, that nor the other thing can change all that is what should never be.

Did Mr. Cheney Authorize This? Despite disappointing loss, Conundrums still on pace for perennial 2nd place finish and automatic berth to 145th annual Lakewood Leisure Tourney; FOP Dawg meltdown continues, losing 3rd straight contest – word from CIA (Conundrum Intelligence Agency) is that Copper collapse at hands of Conundrums 2 weeks earlier, triggered irreparable damage to team morale leading to chaos, anarchy; unconfirmed sources from FOP Central report of players being pistol whipped, cuffed to one another and denied basic Miranda rights - other atrocities cannot be confirmed at this time.

I Said No Means No! - Loss taken particularly hard from veteran of Conundrum Wars, Sean Butcher, who abruptly departs through park’s secret back passageway presumably to avoid media circus; despondent hurler declines teammates’ invitation to share post-game libation saying only, “not tonight, I have a headache”.

Blog Beauties Eric “Swansong’s” diving 2B stop cuts down runner at 1st, Bob “Flat Foot” Tomey’s bases jammed 1B line drive snag kills Tekkie rally, Paul “Cheetah” Ries outruns, reels in LF drive heading for gap, Jason Emwa/Eddie “Catcher in the Rye” Layton team up to nail sneaky T-Boney heading home…WOW!

Anyone Up for a Round of Russian Brewlette? Wilky preps for big game by indulging in pre-game Coors Light Delight, but still unsigned LFer accidently opens bottle of brew left over from Beerhunter tournament, resulting in unplanned shower to nearby passersby – Given that TWICS Lakewood Park correspondent witnesses entire debacle, Ryan correctly surmises story will end up in TWICS print.

Tune Of The Day: (Sing it With Us) We can’t believe the news today – Danny Batt has slid and torn his knee away – how long, how long must we watch him bleed? How long? How long…Dan-Batt, Bloody Dan-Batt…Dan-Batt, Bloody Dan-Batt…

Cheesehead Rivalry Puzzler 3 year vet, Eric Swanson files formal protest to Board of Crunchoclaty Arbitrators, disputes coveted TWIX award when cross-town Outagamie County rival Tom Handy Hody prevails in coach’s game MVP – things get heated when Swanny suddenly strikes bewildered Hodorff with used hanky, then demands “satisfaction” – bemused Hody claims he doesn’t own any Mick Jagger tunes and matter quickly blows over as fast as it began.

Near This Date In Team History – July 16, 2001 – Team formerly known as ACS Vipers hold on, nip nemesis Machine, 15-12 in 'rusty' nail biter; Sully's 7th inning gaffes remind observers of 1919 Black Sox Scandal, teammates refer to him as "Shoeless Pat"; in era before candy bars were in vogue, Doug Fabrizio/Tom Satriano share co-MVP just for the honor of it; in memory of dearly departed Conundrum, we recall Chris Pisciotta anecdote when Chris lobbied (unsuccessfully) for MVP despite going 0-fer, adding that if hitless night were primary criteria for MVP’s, coach would be unanimous vote-getter.

Fan-O-Meter Watch – After setting record attendance in back to back previous games, good times end, Conundrums’ ticket turnstile bubble bursts; team’s lobbyists on way to DC in case any TARP greenbacks still available.

Week 10 - Vs. Crush

7/6/09

Crush Nearly Drive Conundrums To Limits, Squeezers Finally Snuffed In 6th With Final ?-Marker Push, Team All Smiles this “Photo Night”

Conundrums 18
(vs) Crush 8
Attendance = 8 (New All-time, Single Game Record!)
Year to Date = 22

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – With nothing to lose, everything to gain, desperate, winless Crushers give ‘drums all they can handle, matters stay interesting until Puzzlers finally extinguish Mashers with 6th inning rally – Conundrums (9-1) stay half step in front of Rusty/Dawg rivals, more importantly win ensures happy, happy, joy, joy 8th Annual Team Photo Night.

Keep Him On 24 Hour Watch! Despite coach’s pre-game admonitions, (“don’t let up, boys, keep the pressure on!”), Conundrums do ease up on throttle ever so slightly against lowly Crush, one week removed from biggest comeback over Dawgs – as players drown selves in celebratory post-game suds, skip takes perceived letdown personally, last seen moping near hot dog stand, muttering incoherently, “Where did I fail them?”, “How Can I regain their respect?”, annoyed vendor finally has enough, says, “Listen mac, are you gonna buy a brat or what?”

Ries Be Cursed? Ignoring club’s golden rule, “thou shalt not take leave of absence until all hazing activities successfully completed”, rookie sensation Pauly Ries declares self “no-show” for Crushing contest, citing “more important matters to attend to” at Coors Field. Outraged Jason Emmot, “Minister of Conundrum Traditions” denounces rook as “blasphemous”, calling “Team Photo Night” shun “slap in the face” to all photogenic worshippers everywhere, alleges embattled Ries “afraid camera will steal his soul”, ends with climactic, “put that in your TWICS and smoke it” overture.

Every Picture Tells a Story, Donut: Club officials express shallow, er deep gratitude to Messrs. Satriano and Sullivan for participating in official team photos. While no longer fully-fledged club servants, team appreciates Sully for taking time off from Evergreen “Little Bear” Door Greeter position, Satriano for temporarily putting away hoes, spades and other gardening paraphernalia, special thanks to free lance photographer who correctly informed Tony/Mark that best side is looking away from, not into camera.

They Bear A Striking Resemblance: Not pictured, but ably representing their human spirits, “Broomstick Ries” and sidekick “Dust Pan Brubaker” steal photo show with dazzling attire, one impressed observer claimed effigies “swept us off our feet”.

Dan Didn’t Get Memo Confusing “Team Photo Night” with not yet invented “Team Parents Night”, chagrined Dan Batt invites ma and pa to park, makes unpleasant scene when informed team not handing out discounted coupons to Perkins Restaurant “Early Bird Special” Buffet…TWICS Board of MVP Awards appeases Lefty Dann with 1st Crunchoclaty of season, but senior Batts complain of faulty candy packaging, team issues public apology to family, officially sanctions 15th game of every season, now and forever “Dan Batt Parents Night”.

It’s Too Soon To Call Him 2nd Coming of E.Y. Declaring Steve Sax and Chuck Knobloch mortal enemies to all respectable 2nd sackers, Eric Swanson’s flawless “D” sheds “Mold Glove” image, proving once again, a man can rise up from his cheesy beginnings in a sleepy corn hole town along the Wausau River bank and be something to somebody, someday, soon.

Around The Bases in 80 Minutes Sean “Touch ‘Em All” Butcher goes yard for first time since ’06, revealing little known penchant for power few knew existed – unfortunately, Mysterians’ slugger, hardly known for rapid leg movement, takes full 8 minutes to complete HR trot, whence Butch finally crosses plate, umps come back from coffee break, resume game.

Nowhere to Go But Up Fast Eddie Layton hitting woes continue, frustrated back stabber, er back stopper struggles to recapture early season magic that earned him catchy title of “Eddie Layton, Hot Hitter of Conundrums Softball Club” – source of sinking BA attributed to errant golf swings, Eddie admits too many late nights at local Kiwanis Putt-Putt Course causing mayhem with mechanics, will have to lay off murderous 17th hole with killer dog leg – mates remain supportive as a jock strap, confident that veteran Q-Marker will turn fortunes around, although lucrative career on Sr. Putt-Putt Circuit always an option. On positive note, Eddie still has yet to make error tossing ball back to battery mate, Butchy – 208 games and counting!!!

He Said What? Years of spinal pain-killers taking its toll, Tomey suffers occasional hallucinations, latest episode occurs when player/coach attempts to score from 2nd on Wilcoxen foul ball, “Zonker Bob” realizing wobble home not challenged by bemused Crush, plays it cool, says he knew ball foul all along, adding he’s “just testing old turbo chargers”

Welcome home, Tim Doherty! Nephew to a parking lot czar returns from SoCal family outing, says Dodger Stadium cool place, reminds him of Lakewood Park, when asked of Disney Land experience, ‘drums leadoff hitter briefly describes shouting match with Mickey, being bitch-slapped by Cinderella, and “kindly” escorted out of Magic Kingdom, officials asking that he never ever return again…EVER! Other than that, Timmy said he had a blast.

Near This Date In Team History – July 7, 2003 – Make-up Twin Bill sees team celebrating 10-4 win over SSBC on Field #2 in 1st game without controversial Gary Smith, after estranged Conundrum abruptly quits team, apparently fed up with “Bad Boy” antics of Mark Satriano and Sean “The Butcher” – fittingly Sats ‘n Butch share game MVP though arguably Sean’s paltry .359 average nothing to write home to Gary’s mother about. Game 2 sees ‘drums go down at infamous Field #1 to FOP Dawgs, 18-12, lackluster performance blamed on back-to-back games, apparently long 32 foot walk from one field to other too much for road-weary Puzzlers, one bright spot is Mark Dushinske’s 4-4 performance; after 3rd sacker’s 4th hit, game halted temporarily when “Dushy’s Wooshies”, a group of biker chick fans toss filter-less Camels and empty Busch Lights onto field as tribute.

Fan-O-Meter Watch Dispute settled in favor of counting former/current players, Sats/Sully as actual fans, thus leading to single game attendance record – warm congratulatory remarks go out to Puzzler Director of Ticket Sales - He/she/it hereby commended for tireless efforts. Sr. club officials considering multiple “Team Photo-Night” promotions next season. Unnamed source tells TP “we should give them [fans] what they want…mediocre softball and photographic entertainment”*

* - Last bit courtesy of Jason Emmot, a frequent contributing TWICS writer, whose works include “Weed Wackers and Me”, “Breaking and Entering – An Idiot’s Guide to Softening New Gloves” – Emmot also shares prestigious title of Emeritus-Among-Us status at Society of Unprofessional Journalists.

Week 9 @ F.O.P. Dawgs

6/29/09

Alone At The Top! Gloom ‘n Doom Ends in Triumph ‘n Jubilation, Posers Tame Growling Dawgs in Heart-Pounding Comeback

Conundrums 21
(at) F.O.P. Dawgs 15
Attendance = 5 (Season Record)
Year to Date = 14

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – Before packed house of 5 reticent supporters, Conundrums send hearts soaring again, roar back from depths of despair, erase 10 run F.O.P. Dawg deficit, 19 run outburst in 3-inning eruption stuns previously undefeated “Woof-Woofs”, victory avenges earlier loss against Dawgies, catapults Puzzlers atop Leisure Standings, team takes pivotal step towards first league crown since 2004

Against All Odds - Just when Dawgs thought it safe to bury Puzzler bones, lightning strikes, sending FOPers yelping - Dan’s Conundrum Batts catch fire with 4 plate crossings in 3rd, another 6 in 4th, climaxing with orgiastic 9 in 5th against dominant F.O.P. team many thought would oust Rusty Machines as masters of Leisure League universe - bewildered Dawgsters, ambushed, never recover, thus completing one of dramatic human competitive comebacks since Jimmy Ping defeated Albert Pong in 1964 World Cup Table Tennis Championship - WHOOOIE!

Conundrums’ Bad Boy After smacking team-leading 3rd round tripper of season, Dale St. Aubin, widely recognized as John McEnroe of softball, charges field ump, goes on tongue-lashing tirade, reminiscent of “You Cannot Be Serious!” episode, chastising ump for 1st base blown calls, spewing out expletives Andrew Dice Clay would find distasteful - to his credit, severely myopic umpy does not give “Boiling Dale” proverbial heave ho, but admonishes fiery Aubbie that “5 more outbursts like that, and you’re gone, pal” – “Dale’s Rant Heard ‘Round The World” thought to be spark to ‘drums’ hitting awakening.

Tequila! Somber Conundrum rooters all but give up fight, prior to St. Aubin outburst they appear ready to head for exits, beat brutal Lakewood traffic, but when Mystery Boys finally break out big sticks, Margarita-infested fans come alive, electrified by resurgent comeback

All Is Forgiven - Despite having generally rough evening handling ball in fields of play, "Dynamic Sausage Duo" of Swanson/Hodorff make key plays in 2 critical sit-u-a-she-owns: 2nd inning, Hody Doe’s alert recovery of miscued ball from 2B partner retires F.O.P. runner, quelling unruly rally, while Swanny’s late inning chat with “The Butcher" of Wheat Ridge on pitching Dawg hitters inside helps calm frazzled veteran’s nerves at game’s critical juncture.

Quote of The Night: “It doesn’t matter, give me the damn ball” – Sean Butcher, when asked prior to mowing down FOP in final inning if Dawgs have 15 or 16 runs

Sully Legacy Arriving just moments before game time, coach refrains from reprimanding Tardy Dale, citing paragraph 3 of slugger’s contract, known simply as “Superstar Clause”, exempting team’s elite player from adhering to club rules – key excerpts of provision, thought to have originated from “Pat Sullivan Principle” apparently mock any reference to player standards of conduct

Secret Weapon? Poised to make everyone forget Mark Dushinske, Gary Stout and other legendary franchise ghosts of the hot corner past, newly self-appointed 3Ber, Jason Emmot unveils brand spankin’ new leather glove, thus dawning in Conundrums’ new age of third base mediocrity – not leaving anything to chance, son of a Telephone Company Operator announces new socks will leave opposition shaking in collective spikes

This Date In Club History: April 25, 2005 – Dom Morelli discovers his telephone really does work, calls GM Butchy, announces end to club holdout, returns to team with 2 for 3 performance, including scoring 2 runs, all for not as Speeco edges ‘drums 13-12, spoiling return of “Sparkplug Morelli”

Nothing Like a Fresh Havana - Reflecting serenely after historic classic over, Emmot keenly observes “no lead is safe in hallowed Lakewood Park", noting that in order to level playing field with nearby Addenbrook Park, team should consider purchasing “The Winston”, long hailed as the premium humidor of its time

He’d Look Good in Fishnets – Swansong conveniently forgets wallet, announces that in order to make drive back to suburban Goodland, KS cushy home, will have to take temporary job hooking on Kipling St., Dan Batt intercedes, lends “Red Light” Eric $20, hopes never to see him in back of vice squad wagon

Talking Down to Americana - Latest "Institute of American Softball Writers Guild" poll shows that 68% of all TWIC Note readers consider writing snobbish, highbrowing, condescending, 53% say it is incoherent dribble, often drifting off beaten path, 32% of respondents insist writers are talent-lacking TWICless twits, when asked if they plan to boycott long-time Conundrums’ publication, 98% said they’ll begrudgingly continue subscriptions, one poll recipient with rather bad skin compared it to an itchy rash, summarizing wryly: “you can’t live with it, you can’t live without it”

Fan-O-Meter Watch – Attendance reaches zenith when 5 people admitted into park, marking largest crowd to watch a club softball game since long, long ago before such records were discussed

Team Photo Night – It’s that strange, wonderful time of year again! Notch 7/6/09 on yer calendar – you won’t want to miss team in spiffy new uniforms; many of them plan to wash new threads just for this event!

Week 8 @ Ten Right Fielders

6/22/09

Ten Right Fielders Leave Rest of Diamond Vacant, ‘drums Roll, Crucial Cop Showdown Next

Conundrums 20
(at) Ten Right Fielders 9
Attendance = 2
Year to Date = 9

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – They’re not called 10 Right Fielders for nothing, Puzzlers pound one of worst fielding teams in E League history (we looked it up), thanks to fumbled pops, juggled grounders, throwing miscues - blah, blah, blah – RF gaffes help team cruise to 6th straight “V”, setting stage for next week’s rematch with “Woof, Woof” F.O.P’s

Broadway Never Had So Many Hits: With a little help from RF friends, Conundrum hitting attack continues assault on opposition, hammering home 15 runs in first two stanzas, then easing up on recommendation from part-time employee Satriano with collaboration from sidekick Butcher

Quick, Somebody Call Elias!: Even “Flatfoot” Tomey makes contribution, taking team’s first BB of season, ending 294 consecutive AB’s without a free pass, a record to this date – previous mark unknown, so this ranks as record by intuition – coach’s attempts to halt game for brief ceremony rebuked by players, umps, and Lakewood Park Concessions Manager, who just wants to sell top rated “mystery meat” (pending FDA investigation of course)

Now Barney, Cut That Out! Making first appearance at 3B since playing on 4th grade kickball team, “Hot Corner” Emmot experiences stage fright on first grounder, imitates father’s cartoon idol, Fred Flintstone by tippy-toeing towards 2B, feigns throw to bewildered Swanson, regroups, fires to 1B, nearly gunning down opposition’s “Tortoise” McGillicuddy – asked to comment later on game’s 1 out of 4 putout percentage, unflappable Em remarks “.250 eh? Not bad, not bad at all.” Upon further review, Vinny Castilla wanna-be announces plans to buy smaller glove, thereby ensuring great plays for decades to come…stay tuned

A Legend In His Own Mind With game safely in bag, Butcher On The Hill takes well-deserved early exit, ices arm, gives ground to relievers badly in need of work - St. Aubin/Satriano’s bullpen card game temporarily halted, Rolaids relievers impressive, yield combined 5 runs in 3 innings, securing Sean’s 71st career E League win in hallowed career already filled with dubious achievements

Pop Quiz: Q: How many Conundrums does it take to chase down ball thrown from outfield? A: If you said 4, give yourself a hand and credit for watching bizarre play in 3rd inning of game this week – coach Tomey hopes to have it down to 2 players by season finale, curtly adding “I’m not promising anything”

Had It All The Way – “Baskin Robins” Wilcoxen tracks down line drive during 4th inning with snow cone grab, helps snuff out potential rally - after mates let out sigh of relief, only question from former Dairy Queen employee #A3972-14C is “will that be one scoop or two?”

The Walrus Was Mark – Long/winding road with club nearing end, Satriano resorts to begging, pleading, groveling, desperate for team to void contract, part-timer threatens to sabotage on-field efforts for team he helped launch, observers note strained relationship with Tomey, reminding some of Lennon-McCartney fallout - peacekeepers wonder can’t we all just “Come Together”?

Fan-O-Meter Watch – Attendance soars to 2 patrons, matching previous single game high, season to date total now at 9; officials projecting final numbers to reach double digits, causing panic, mayhem, possibly anarchy at box office; team execs meet late into night on strategy to meet unprecedented demand

Week 7 @ Rusty Machine

6/15/09
Conundrums 23
(at) Rusty Machine 20
Attendance = 0
Year to Date = 7

Throw-Back Night Thrilla! 8 Not Enough For Rusty, Wilky-Led Puzzlers Fend Off Short Handed Machine in Game for the Ages

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – Rainy Days on Mondays never bring ‘drums down, epic battle of softball behomoths goes down to soggy wire, Mystery Boys hold off short-handed Rusty siege in yet another clash of Titans between storied rivals, Machine’s last desperate gasp to storm Puzzler castle finally repelled after Wilky chases down soaring liner to put last nail in Rusty coffin, win moves Puzzlers into 2nd place.

What’s All The Buzz About?: Despite massive offensive in first 2 innings, Conundrums see leads of 5-0 in 1st, 12-3 in 2nd evaporate as Rustys counter with hornet-like stinging time and again - 7 run burst in 4th finally catapults RM to 19-16 lead, seemingly taking control of contest over frustrated Hum-drummers, but behold! Mysterians somehow, someway corral one last assault with 6-run rally in game-shortened 5th inning, thus delivering final KO blow, silencing Machine’s furious buzz once and for all

1st Down and Ryan To Go: Rising from ashes, “Phoenix” Wilcoxen breaks out of batting funk, resuscitating badly needed hitting, racks up 4-4 plate perfection, smacks 1st round tripper since fall of Berlin Wall, earns 1st ever Crunchoclaty, 1st Coach’s MVP since (gulp!) game 2 2007, mates send Wilky out for game ending curtain call, tearful Ryan tips cap to empty bleachers, thanks invisible fans for support through difficult times, hoisting cookie crunch prize in air, proclaiming emotionally, “this one’s for you!”

Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Time for Nervous Breakdown Normally cool as a Kirby cucumber, resilient in manner, “Rock of Gilbraltar” Butcher, unaccustomed to being manhandled mercilessly by opposition, finally cracks before final frame, refuses to take hill, quick thinking coach recalls child psychology courses while studying at Ziegmund U., coaxes Butch out of fetal position, implores Sean with oxymoron “win one for the Gripper”, son of a Spartan Hater finally snaps out of it when coach threatens to take away Hooters VIP card

Got Throwback? Nearly buried amid evening’s chaotic bedlam, first ever Throwback Uniform Night pulled off, officals declare promotional event wild success with no less than 3 former flavors on display including traditional 2003-08 crimson/gray, ACS Viper 2000-02 blue/white threads, and former ZZZ affiliate Goodfellas, sponsored in part by NRA

Oh and By the Way, What’s a “Throwback”? Dan Batt-less sheepishly concedes never heard of “throwback” vernacular, discovers true meaning only after numerous consultations with family friend who dabbles in lexicography, thus avoiding humiliation, ridicule, mockery, contempt, scorn, embarrassment and other derisive lashings from past, current, future cohorts

Basepath Blunders, Part I – Uncharacteristic base running gaffes undermine team’s well-disciplined fabric, coaches blame runners, runners blame coaches, TWICS Pubs can’t help but wonder somewhere out there in Vitamin Cottage Land Brian Richie is smiling

Murder’s Row in 21st Century – “Card Shark” Tomey shuffles deck, deals out new 1-6 lineup, Doherty settling in nicely in leadoff role, meanwhile 4,5,6 combo anchored by Messrs. Ries, St. Aubin, Swanson producing timely middle lineup punch, coach hopeful luck be a lady rest of season

Mark Who??- Second year Puzzler, Tom, “Handy Hody” quietly having solid ’09 SS season, scooping up this, gobbling up that, making anybody who’s anyone forget legendary, semi-retired Mark “Scooter” Satriano – Hody Doe’s more moderate fielding positioning is a welcome change to Sats’ defiant left wing practices, thus providing a more balanced Conundrum infield of dreams

Scribal Scream – Substituting for traveling Tomey and due to Jason “Weed Whacker” Emmot’s landscaping assignment, Tim “Scoop” Doherty becomes latest guest TWICS writer to dip pen in company ink - staff’s Office of Recruitment impressed with Tim’s shallow prose, immediately tenders offer to join the fabled slanderous workforce – Doherty joins staff already loaded with yellow journalists, adding to toothless tradition readers have grown to loathe – Tim’s previous experience includes editor in chief for Parking Lot Weekly’s Arvada Bureau, please welcome Tim in his new unrewarding endeavor

Fan-O-Meter Watch –Nary a fan to be seen, Puzzler patrons becoming so rare, Ticket Dept. considers lobbying Congress to have Conundrum rooters put on Endangered Species List

Week 6 @ Fismits

DRUMS SWEEP SERIES FROM FIZZLERS !

Conundrums - 15
@ Fismits - 7
Paid Attendance = 1
Season Attendance = 7

Lakewood, CO (TP) - With the support of a near record crowd (1.25 patrons) armed with their brooms, the Conundrums once again take a season series from the fumbling Misfits. After tossing another gem, staff ace Butchy commented that taking this series is always a highlight of the year now we just need to “take a bone away from those d@#$&* Dawgs”. Key to the victory was the emergence of prodigal son Sully. Sully’s immense presence helped lessen the blow of the absence of key utility ballers Batt, Satsmo, and Swany. D. Batt was last seen hawking used soccer balls in front of Dicks Sporting Goods Park. Semi-retired Satsmo was applying his HD makeup in hopes of 15.525 seconds of fame in St Louie as the Rocks swept the Cards. Wiscony Swany was off trying to defend his 2008 title of Cheese Curd Tossing Champion of Manitowish Waters, Wisc.

Rare batting order miscue by Tomey almost derails Drumtrain when Lineup Guru Tomey leapfrogs ahead of Sully. A dazed Sully proceeds to K-out providing a catalyst to three more Ks, setting a new team single game record. While getting hazed by teammates, Tomey barks back “ I always bat after Eddie, he’s got quite a magnetic effect on me” Inside sources reveal that Tomey plotted this well in advance of game time in hopes of creating a new stat category that would allow him an entry in to the highly prized Conundrums Hall of Team Records. Team officials expect the Boo Birds to make a strong showing at the next home outing in response to this outrage.

Fast Eddie also affected by Lineup Gate, comes though in the later stages of the contest with a key 2 RBI single. Eddie quipped that he finally got so mad he “just had to hit something!”

Injury Report: Tom “Strawberry Fields Forever” Hodorff , juicy red thigh (probable for Week 7); Paul “Raspberry Tarts” Ries, Elbow and knee scrapes (probable for Week 7),; “Lineup Gate” Tomey bruises left hand popping beer caps (day to day depending on the type of beer); Wilky, burn lesions suffered while ironing tighty whiteys (hour to hour), Doherty, finger failure from writing this d@#!$ thing! (minute by minute).

Tomey forced to call up third stringer Doherty for an appearance a guest writer. Tomey tosses MVP TWIX bar to Doherty as an enticement stating that he gets paid a heck of a lot less for a whole lot better effort. Normal backup Emwa has committed the entire week to mowing “back 40” at his abode with a vintage 1890’s era weed wacker. Emwa claims that The-Son-Of-Emwa left the damn back gate open and let all the sheep out that were taking care of the lawn mowing and fertilizing. Emwa may call in later this week with a request to be added to the 15 day DL.

Week 5 @ Tigers

6/1/09

‘Drums Outlast Clawing Tigers, Weather in 12-9 Moisture-Laden Eeker – Hodorff Blast Sets Stage For Record Combined HR-O’s

Conundrums 12
(at) Tigers 9
Attendance = 0
Season Attendance To Date = 6

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – On rain-soaked evening, Kitty Kats nearly dampen ‘drum spirits, take Mystery Boys to hilt, come close to upsetting heavily favored Conundrums, solid “D” down stretch saves team from humiliation, disappointment, coach’s ire, reminding all these aren’t your father’s Tigers.

Vitamin C Softballs: Unknown Tiger hitter in 1st stanza begins long ball journey with 2 run shot, answered in 2nd frame by Tom “I have nothing to prove, but geez I better hit better soon” Hodorff with 3-run bomb, each team then wastes 4 more HR-O’s in record fashion, causing conspiracy pundits to resurrect juicy, er juiced ball charges. If proven, will Minute Maid attempt to package? Don’t laugh, stranger occurrences happen. Retract that – intent of story is to invoke laughter, our apologies.

Handy Over Butch By Hair: Despite Seanster’s 3fer4, 2 ribbie plate production, handcuffing Tiger swatters with 6-seam slowball, coach gives photo finish MVP nod to Tom Hody Doe, thanks to Handyman’s first career 4-bagger as Conundrum, catapults Wizz Con Sinner to coveted Crunchoclaty, breaking early season funk, prompts GM Butchy to rescind trade offer to Maptek for spyware to be named later

Wrong Club?: Staying hot at plate, Fast Eddie Layton quietly records another MVP worthy night, proving to all naysayers who say nay, that ’08 season no flukey – asked how it feels to be bona fide member of .600 Club, “Evangelical” Eddie quips, “Fantastic! I got to meet Pat Robertson, it was quite a hymnal experience.”

Goo Goo Ga K’Choob:14 month old St. Aubin Jr., becomes team’s youngest ever bench coach, barking words of encouragement to ‘drum fielders from comfort of state of art Strap ‘n Go stroller, things get testy when normally composed Butcher takes exception to “waa, aahhhh, googoo” remarks apparently directed towards mound, goes toe to toe with Little Aubbie, finally separated after Junior’s drool too much for Sean to absorb.

Nepotistics 101: 5th inning drama unfolds when LF’er Emwa throws perfect letter high strike to 3Ber Ries, apparently nullifying Tiger base advance, but ump blows call resulting in futile protests from Conundrummers, foul play suspected when after game Tiger Captain overheard saying to adjudicator, “gee Dad, you called a great game tonight”

Caught Between Rock and 1st Base: Timmy Doherty keeps 7th inning rally alive, cleverly sets Meow Trap, decoys beastlies into mucked up rundown, allows speedster Ries to race home safely, Tiger comedy of errors matched only by Conundrum’s own diamond jocularities, too numerous to document herein.

Estranged Conundrum Report: Mark/Tony Satriano breaches part-time contract, takes proverbial “my lawyer will call your lawyer” posture; Patrick Sullivan continues to decline offer for full employment, citing poor hygiene (can’t find razor), declining health (let me count the eye bags); Dave Brubaker still on assignment in Albuquerque, sends regards, coach turns down requests to feed goldfish, forward mail

Riding The Storm Out: Waiting for downpour to subside, Noah’s Ark to arrive, long after Lakewood lights extinguished, Messrs. Butcher, Emmot, Tomey, Wilky take refuge in visitor’s dugout, Butcher reminisces days as ‘80s stagehand, alleges footage of U2’s 1987 “Rattle ‘n Hum” film at McNichols shows young Sean rockin' in front row, blurred footage of Irish Groupie inconclusive - ‘drums’ pitcher remains steadfast, claims bootleg version of “Sean’s Zagruder Film” shows Bono slow-dancing with Butch to “With Or Without You”

Fan-O-Meter Watch: Team records smallest crowd to date, ticket turnstile fails to move, officials blame zero turnout on inclement weather, unappealing game matchup, and Jonas Bros. concert going on at nearby Lakewood Cultural Center.*

* Jonas crack, used by permission, courtesy of Holly Tomey Gaffes, Ltd.

Week 4 @ Maptek

5/18/09

‘Drums Win Seven Inning Game in One Inning; Solidify Hold on 3rd Place

Conundrums 21
(at) Maptek T-Bones 4
Attendance = 1

LAKEWOOD, CO (TP) – The Conundrums batted around, blasting 13 runs before surrendering their first out Monday night, eventually beating mining software conglomerate Maptek 21-4 in a mercy-ruled softball “contest” at Lakewood Park. Despite their apparent economic, educational, and hygienic advantages, the software boys dug their own Bingham Canyon, as the Puzzler’s massive 1st stanza proved to be more than enough to secure their 3rd victory of the season.

Scab: Emmot assumes coaching & TWICS duties on behalf of vacationing Tomey, as “highly unusual” line-up results in offensive fire-power not witnessed since the onset of Operation Desert Storm; defense only bested by the last gal Butcher tried to pick up at the local Olive Garden. Emmot runs his record to 5-0 as interim manager, and 0-5 as interim TWICS writer.

MIA: Manager/Statistician/TWICSter Tomey and Speedster/Outfielder Wilcoxen both absent due to “work-related” travel obligations. Team finds mutual travel schedule suspicious, hires Dick Tracy wannabe “Caliber P.I.” (Magnum’s little brother) to check up on traveling duo. Caliber reports: “Subjects last seen boarding Apple Fun Jet en route to Caribbean island of Curacao, rubbing tanning oil on shirtless backs and sipping strawberry daiquiris in airport lounge. All passengers in good spirits…smiles and pearl necklaces all around.”

MIA Too: TWICS’s favorite son, Pat Sullivan, remains on voluntary unpaid administrative leave due to pressure received by the Internal Revenue Service. IRS Commish Douglas Shulman has vowed to garnish all softball-related earnings as retribution for Sullivan’s failure to timely file client’s taxes. Said Sully, “It not my fault. I’m 99% certain the tax filings were stolen by the same person that nicked my Conundrum’s jersey”.

Shoegate 2009: A frantic Tom arrives to field with only one shoe. Missing shoe later found on the foot of team clepto Tim Doherty. Doherty cracks under extensive interrogation by FOP Dawgs. Claims size 11, left-footed Nike looked and felt exactly like a size 9, right-footed Mizuno. Authorities not convinced, still mulling charges ranging from 1st Degree Burglary to 2nd Degree Bungledry.

Salami: Trying to impress team’s only fan (which he brought to the game), new guy Paul smacks first grand-slam of the year. Game winning hit, Game winning RBI, Wilcoxen-like defense, ticket selling acumen, and yellow socks enough to secure big-hitter his first ever Crunchchocolaty Award. Paul requests TWIX bar is presented in private ceremony, says award not safe in the presence of Doherty.

Pitching Dual: 1B/P/Clean-up Hitter Dale St.Aubin lays claim to pitching supremacy, throws a no-hit last inning in relief of Butcher, matching his no-hit game at the plate. Said Eric, “If Batting Average is directly proportional to Earned Run Average, I bet Tom would be our best pitcher.”

Accolades: In recognition of last night’s Maptek mauling, the Federal Government has proclaimed next Monday to be Memorial Day, and has awarded the Conundrum’s with a much-needed mid-season bye. In support of our long-standing Manners Policy, please send your Congressman a personalized thank you note.

Where Are They Now - Brian Richie (2003-2007)

6 Questions With a Conundrum Alum

Although it’s been said many times, many ways, it bears repeating: Brian Richie’s unorthodox style at 1B was oftentimes entertaining, mostly exciting, and in some cases he actually held onto the ball. From 2003 through 2007, Richie paraded around 1B, daring anyone to challenge his career .422 fielding percentage, dug his heels in at the batter’s box with that menacing glare toward the mound, touting that .424 BA without an ounce of self-consciousness. Although Brian never did master the art of the backhand catch (the team sent him to multiple catching clinics, even spent the off-season with the Foster Elementary 5th grade gym class), there was nobody who was more confident about his average abilities. Nary had a game gone by when the Hooperville, OK native didn’t chew on the coach’s ear about another coat of baby oil in his precious mitt, or the countless hours spent in the cages perfecting that dismissive batting stance. “Hey skip, want to see my new swing?” (He had so many), “I think I’m gonna go 4fer 4 tonight”. But after four years of giving the team the best years of his life, Richie realized he was not a visionary. Literally. One clear, cool, yet sweltering evening, late in the 2007 season, after failing his routine eye exam, Mr. Richie alarmed his teammates, arriving at the park with a Guide Dog! Suddenly those 3.1 drops per game – 5 in one inning, a record to this day – made a lot more sense. When the season came to an end, sadly so too did the lackluster career of Brian Richie. Many of us at TWICS Publications and the team look forward to honoring the one-time Conundrum on “Brian Richie Day” slated for May 9, 2023.

In the meantime, we caught up with Richie for our next “Where Are They Now” segment, outside the Grand Opening of the Vitamin Cottage store in southeast Westminster and played 20 questions minus 14 with the former Conundrum. Almost two years removed from his playing days with the ?-Markers, Richie reveals his self-delusional heroics on the diamond, a previously unknown man-crush on legendary Mark Satriano, and shares workout tips with his primary love as a fitness pro/amateur. The same trademark ego-centrism that underscored his career on the diamond is still prevalent and confirms to any doubters Brian Richie is alive and well.

TWICS Staff: So Brian, what do you think of the new web site?
Brian: It's different from the old web site? I guess I never noticed, good pics of Satriano's legs though. Yowsie!! I always had a thing for wiry bus drivers. I’m just kidding, Mark! Seriously. I’m a happily married man, for crying out loud! (Is Mark going to be reading this?)
T: What have you been up to since leaving the Conundrums?
B: Well I'm trying to make a comeback, I’ve been working out with the Foster kids, coach says I should crack the starting lineup anytime now. if I could just see out of my left eye and play better than I did when I actually played (although c’mon, it’s tough to improve a quality product, am I right? Heh, heh). But right now I’m just waiting until a roster spot opens up at designated bench warmer and assistant to Bob. Butcher fills that need currently, so who knows when I’ll get my shot.
T: What is your best memory of the team?
B: Well I would have to say the heroics of myself. [Pauses 5 minutes, appears to be taking in the moment]. I always felt like I was unstoppable. I figured the only thing that would get in my way was that fence when Eddie did his face plant. That was gruesome, but you know Eddie and me, we carried the bottom of the lineup, I finally figured out why we were called the Rockbottom twins. Mostly, I remember the good times seeing you goofballs on a weekly basis. Priceless.
T: What’s your favorite workout tip?
B: Don't do whatever Satriano or Tomey do as they always seem to be whining about some phantom injury to their backs or legs or something. It seemed like every week we had to listen to the same thing over and over with those knuckleheads. Seriously, I’ve never met anybody as self-absorbed as those dudes. They’re not like Eddie – that guy runs through fences, people bats or whatever and comes back ready the next week without ever complaining or missing time. Yep, Eddie’s a cool guy (will he be reading this?)
T: Jay Cutler 2009: Stud or Dud?
B: Tough question for me as I traded away my entire season last year during fantasy football for the doofus. Now I have to choose from Orton or Simms as my starting QB. Shouldn’t stop me from running the table, you know I’m the king of fantasy football. Hey, is it too late to get back Brees?
T: Wild Hogs or Easy Rider?
B: Are you kidding me? Wild Hogs has borderline gay adventures and bird in the face while Easy Rider was considered an all time classic, so my pick would be Wild Hogs of course.


Well if gay adventures suit your fancy, who are we to judge? Not that there's anything wrong with that! Thanks Brian for taking time from your new lifestyle to chat with us. Oh, and don’t call the Conundrums, we’ll…uh, well you know…

Week 3 @ Crush

5/11/09
?-Markers Deliver Crushing Blow, Handyman, Bachelor Lead Charge in 18-3 Laugher

Conundrums 18
(at) Crush 3
Attendance = 2

TWICS Publications - LAKEWOOD, CO

• Should winless Crush change name to “Crushed”?, Conundrums 18-run attack lends credence to notion as game finally ends in 6 inning abbreviated mercy killing.
• Handyman ends early season drought, breaks on through to other side, 3fer4 performance climaxed by 6th inning bases-clearing twiple (used by permission from Elmer Fudd), game halted in 1st to allow Hody curtain call, tip of the cap to standing ovation from Mysterians’ bench, brief scuffle ensues after Tom attempts to keep game ball as keepsake
• Rested St. Aubbie takes home 1st ever Crunchoclaty, smacks record four 2-baggers, Couch Potato shrugs off appeals for post game celebration, vows to fraternize more after end of TV season finales, although new “Million Dollar Password” supposed to be top notch (“Regis is super-cool!”)
• “Whooping Cough” Satriano calls in sick, St. Aubie reportedly outraged, claims Satriano plagiarizing “Call-In Sick Excuse” #22, the old scratchy throat/stuffy nose alibi, Sats offers truce, says he’ll share patented gardening secrets, how to grow basil & radishes side by side in peaceful coexistence
• In yet another shameful tale of Wall Street vs. Main Street, beer snobs, Doherty/Layton flash high class Heinekens at rest of team, forced by hard economic times into drinking PBR’s, Coors Lights; Dan Batt, Working Class Bud Light Poster Child, goes so far to insinuate Timmy/Eddie next Ponzi schemers
• Quote of the Week: “I have a small brain”, Cerebral Layton to Sean Butcher, context of conversation unknown but TWICS Pubs rules out statement in reference to Eddie thinking with Mr. Happy (we’re pretty sure)
• Talks with the Conundrum formerly known as Sully continue, Conundrums’ Special Envoy “Ambassador Butcher” reportedly close to signing deal that brings Sullen One back to team, primary roadblock is club’s refusal to cease shaming Sully in weekly notes, TWICS spokesperson for Dept. of Humiliation, citing 1st Amendment protection says “no deal, we debase whom we want, when we want”, adding “besides he’s our best customer!”
• Feels Like He’s Already Back – Emmot smacks long single off fence, instead of sprinting around bases, takes leisurely saunter to 1B, later reveals that the Spirit of Sully was within him, “I felt like I had no control over my legs, I felt this uncontrollable hatred for the government, but mostly I just wanted to get down to Texas as fast as possible”; Leading Sully Exorcists immediately summoned, pray for Jason
• Smashing 2nd HR in as many weeks, Babe Swanson poised to join ranks of slugging behemoths Emmot/Aubin, team’s traditional round-tripping monopolists, Swanny points to offseason training regimen as secret to success, decides against entering 2009 Iron Man FitExpo after mom reminds him of allergy to tanning/posing oil
  
• Final Swan: Turning cheers to jeers, Swanny displays questionable judgment by devouring post-game juicy brat in front of famished/hostile mates, declines to share, explaining he needs all the schlonger he can mustard, er muster
  
• Fan-O-Meter – Paid Attendance = 2, Season total to date = 5. This time last year, minus 2.